Young Writers Society

The night comes back to me like it had just happened yesterday. I was laying on my bed, reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It was near the stroke of midnight, My contacts Drying up from reading so much, the night sky getting darker by the second. When all of the sudden, I hear a wail of despair. I think to myself "Am I hearing things.....or is someone crying?". I put my book down and run to my mom's room because in her condition you never know what is going on with her. As I'm running down the hall things are rushing through my head... the fear of losing my mother to the horrible disease that she is accursed with. With the thought of death rushing through my head I finally reach my Mother's room at the end of the hall.

My godmother and godfather was there. Sitting right there in front of me, I see my mother weeping in sorrow. I hear her scream "It's all my fault, if only I would have kept him for a little longer. I shouldn't have let him go!". As I stand there in awe wondering - what is going on?- what could have happened that would affect my mother so? I walk over to my Godmother and she tells me "Sit down Chance, something horrible has happened that you should know about". So I take a seat next to her. Little did I know that there- in that little red office chair would I hear news that would alter my life dramatically. She looks at me with pure contempt in her eyes, its then that she tells me "Chance. There's been an accident, Your little brother died 2 hours ago". I sat there in pure- shock. There is no way to put into words what I felt that night, It's an emotion that is impossible to describe with words.

I feel this monster of a furious rage raise within my stomach. Little to my Knowledge of how it happened. In shock, at the age of 12 years old, the face of death had already stared me straight in the eyes. But not the death of a distant relative but the death of my little brother. Someone I had just been playing N64 with the past weekend. He died at the age of 4, Life stripped away from him at such a young age. He had barely even knew what it was to live, never to interact with other human beings at a place of education. Never to learn to drive or be in love. More even never to even know what true love is. I sit and ponder how could this of happened. If there was a god, How could he take life from something so innocent? Something of his own creation stripped from the earthly troubles and taken away from his family. When I come back to reality, and find the ability to speak, To feel my lips and shape them to words- I say "how did this happen? What happened to him?". My Godmother tells me "There was an accident, Your stepmom ran over your little brother when she was cleaning the car.". This news was maybe the worst for me to hear in my entire life.

Later that night, My father showed up in his blue Suburban. When I had packed my bag and found the strength to walk- I got up and got in the car to go visit with my dad. The car smelled of oil and work. My dad works on a boat, he is a boat captain and the news got to him then a helicopter was sent to get him. As I sit in the car, staring into the sky, I see something. But what was it? What could have been shooting through the night sky on the night my little brother died? As we kept driving I see a couple more things go across the night sky. I look to my dad and say "Dad what are those? Are they shooting stars?" And my dad looked at me and said "Yes chance, its an unpredicted meteor shower". He pauses for a second, tears running down his cheeks. Out of my entire life I can only recall my dad crying once before that night. Then he looks at me and says "Its god crying because he had to take such an innocent being from the earth, But he needs Tyler". At this point I realize that my dad saw things the same way I do. I had never thought my dad and I thought so much alike until that night.

That entire night I didn't cry. Not only did it make me wonder if I was cold-hearted, or if I just didn't care. I know it wasn't that I didn't care, it couldn't have been. But earlier that night, My godmother had informed me that people handle emotions differently. Not everybody cries when something as tragic as that night happened to me. One of the reasons this altered my life so much is it made me realize, Nobody is immortal, No one will live forever and life isn't like a video game where when someone dies they can come back to live simply with the click of a button or the wishful thinking. But that when you die, There is no coming back. It changed my way of thought, I told myself never again, Never again will I let someone die without them knowing how I really feel about them. Never again would I say something mean to someone and not let them know I said it out of anger before I leave there presence. Because every time I think of my little brother, I think of the last thing I said to him. I was leaving my dad's to go back to my mom's house for school the next day. My little brother had run up to me and hugged my leg and said "I love you brother, Don't leave" and I looked down at his little Blonde haired, Blue-eyed self and said "Whatever tyler ill see you next weekend". Little to my knowledge.... I wouldn't see him next weekend because he would die before I even got to see him again.

Never will I not realize what I have till its gone and I can no longer touch it or see it.

When I got to my dads house that night. My step mom Was so upset. The whole time she tried blaming it on me. She tried to take her emotions out on me saying "You didn't love him why are you upset?!" This actually made me upset even more. This altered the way I thought about humans also. When push comes to shove people will only do what makes them feel better about themselves and when things get bad they will back stab as much as they can to get through life. After this night, I would never think the same again. I went into a state of depression for a while. I didn't know what to do with what was left of my time here on this earth. Not knowing when my time would come or when I would be the next on death's never ending list.

First of all, I'd just like to say: Wow! This is a great piece of writing! It was amazingly descriptive and visual. Not only that, but the philosophies you portray here are very interesting! With some polishing, I could see this being published! And yes, it does need to be polished. Here and there were some minor things; for example, "My contacts Drying up" should be "my contacts drying up" so just some unnecessary capitals in places. Some areas were the opposite, where letters should have been capitalized! Some sentences could be revised to make them more interesting or just more grammatically correct. Other than that, I think you should be very proud of what you've written! There is a simplicity to this story, and yet the writing is so descriptive and moving! I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Keep up the good work!

lsilvernail wrote:First of all, I'd just like to say: Wow! This is a great piece of writing! It was amazingly descriptive and visual. Not only that, but the philosophies you portray here are very interesting! With some polishing, I could see this being published! And yes, it does need to be polished. Here and there were some minor things; for example, "My contacts Drying up" should be "my contacts drying up" so just some unnecessary capitals in places. Some areas were the opposite, where letters should have been capitalized! Some sentences could be revised to make them more interesting or just more grammatically correct. Other than that, I think you should be very proud of what you've written! There is a simplicity to this story, and yet the writing is so descriptive and moving! I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Keep up the good work!

Thank you for pointing out my mistakes and reviewing my work.
Im very glad you like it.

This was a very deep and sorrowful story. It was so detailed and described well I can see it in my mind, completely clear. You let nothing out. Putting so much emotion and in-depth feeling. You wrote it very passionately and purely. Bravo! Very grand story!

Jadeite wrote:This was a very deep and sorrowful story. It was so detailed and described well I can see it in my mind, completely clear. You let nothing out. Putting so much emotion and in-depth feeling. You wrote it very passionately and purely. Bravo! Very grand story!

I'm glad you enjoyed my story.

I'm afraid I'm going to pick holes in it.

As someone already said, a lot of unecessary capital letters (capital letters only need to be on proper nouns and at the beginning of a sentence), and also, a bigger thing to look at is that your tenses are all over the place.

You change rather indiscriminately from present tense to past tense. You need to choose one and stick to it.

Take this sentence for example:

My godmother and godfather was there. Sitting right there in front of me, I see my mother weeping in sorrow.

Not only should it be 'were' and not 'was', the first sentence is in past tense, the second in present.

Your punctuation is also a bit muddled up, and your grammar and sentence structure need some work. Try reading it out loud; if it doesn't sound right when you do this, it needs changing.

I'd say it was also a little rambling. I'll just take the first paragraph and go over the things that need changing so you can see how to go over the rest of it.

I was laying on my bed, reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

I was lying on my bed.

Do we really need to know what book they were reading? It just seems unecessary and rather dull to detail exactly what book they were reading. Or could you begin with them hearing the screaming right away? Without being lying there on their bed first? It wasn't very exciting.

It was near the stroke of midnight, My contacts Drying up from reading so much, the night sky getting darker by the second.

'drying', no capital letter. And I don't understand how the night sky was getting darker by the second if it was already nearly midnight. Was it going to rain? Could you elaborate or make this make more sense?

When all of the sudden, I hear a wail of despair. I think to myself "Am I hearing things.....or is someone crying?".

I'm never a big fan of 'all of a sudden' Perhaps this isn't really needed? After all, is it likely to occur gradually?

Also, if you hear wailing, are you likely to think so casually about it?

I put my book down and run to my mom's room because in her condition you never know what is going on with her.

Again, the bit about the book...sorry, but very dull; we don't need to know what they do with their book. I'd split it into two sentences after 'room', rather than having 'because',

As I'm running down the hall things are rushing through my head... the fear of losing my mother to the horrible disease that she is accursed with.

Accursed? Can you find a different word that doesn't sound so...well, pretentious? And try not to say things like 'things' because it sounds clumsy. 'Thoughts' perhaps?, and you don't need the '...' instead put a comma.

With the thought of death rushing through my head I finally reach my Mother's room at the end of the hall.

You're repeating yourself; you already said they feared losing their mother so you don't really need to say 'With the thought of death rushing through my head'. And 'finally' reaching the room. How long is this hallway?

Also, don't forget to begin a new paragraph for each new speaker (take a look at the post that's somewhere on dialogue grammar as well).

Personally I don't think there was enough emotion. It was difficult to get an idea of how emotional it was when a lot of it is wrapped up in uninteresting and unecessary pieces of information like how their dad got there.

Keep working hard at it and it could turn out as a really nice piece of writing!

Loved it. I could imagine everything. Very sad. You could polish it but that's easily done.

I loved it. It sort of reminded me of when I learned my uncle had died two weeks after I had last seen him.

Like others have pointed out, you need to fix some of your capitalization and grammar. Some things that aren't supposed to be capitalized are and there are examples of the opposite too.

All in all, I think it was a very good piece.
Just wondering, is this a true story for you or a friend??

I will fix my errors in the future. But I am enjoying the comments. Keep em coming

Wow, if that's a true story, then I'm really sorry. I think that other then what the other people pointed out, this story was excellent. I disagree slightly with Heidigirl666 where she said that it wasn't emotionally enough. I think that it is, because it shows how different people handle their emotions differently and how crying isn't the only way to express sadness. There is the one sentence which is just a little awkwardly worded.

"Never will I not realize what I have till its gone and I can no longer touch it or see it"

It's a good idea and it's the right place to put it, but the double negative of the 'never will I not' confused me the first time I read it. Overall, it was a great, emotional story and I can't wait to read more of your posts.