Young Writers Society

Before …


I was in my bed. Not quite asleep anymore, but I felt that familiar peacefulness that makes you want to lay like that forever. Saturday mornings were always my favorite day – they’re quiet; I don’t have to do a lot of work. It’s a day of complete relaxation for me. I can turn on the computer and write for hours, or switch on the TV and dose off on the couch while watching CSI. No phone calls from any stupid company can disturb me. The sun was bouncing off the protective cover of my eyelids, and I could feel it’s warmth on my face. Everything is quiet, only the birds were chit-chatting their gleeful songs. I was having a beautiful dream when…
BAM! A loud bang tore me away from my half-conscious state.
“What?” I sighed.
Somebody was (obviously.) knocking on the door. Mumble.
“Andy, open up!”
Yes, that’s definitely Mike (my best friend). I slid out of bed, still half asleep. I had only three hours of sleep the night before, for Pete’s sake! What on earth is he thinking? I hope he brought me some Tylenol – I have a headache. I tweezed around in the lock with my key and the door flew open as Michael rushed into my apartment.
“You won’t believe it, Andy!” he said excitedly. “You won’t believe what we found!”
Seeing his always-joyful, bright face cheered me up a little. I always had trouble acting mad around someone who’s so happy that they can’t speak (they sing instead). I usually wasn’t running around bouncing from joy, but it pleased me to see him in a good mood. Don’t get me wrong – he was always in a good mood. But it was just me – happy when others are. I handed him a cup.
“Speak up,” I inquired, still tolerant of his ruthless, totally inappropriate happiness. “Do you want something to drink? Beer, or maybe some Coke?”
He shook his head. “No thanks. Professor D just found…”
“A gold mine?” I enjoyed annoying him like that sometimes. Not with cruelty – with humor. And he had nothing against it. Okay – I guess it’s a little immature for a person my age. But sometimes I found it hard to help it.
Mike gave me a sour smile. “No. He found…”
“A new specie of dinosaur?” I crossed my arms on my chest. “If not, don’t even start bothering me.”
Mike ran his hand through his red hair impatiently. “No, care to listen up, will you? He…”
“Let me guess. He just found a thousand ancient drawings in some hideous cavern where the walls are made of bat dung and crawl with roaches?” I got up and walked across to the kitchen. “Cookies? I made them yesterday,” I asked, showing him a box of shapeless pieces of dough. Not my fault. I’m a doctor, not a baker.
Mike didn’t want cookies. He wanted me to listen. “No, Andy! He found a map! And stop acting like a three-year-old.”
“A map to what?” I squinted. Was this a joke he was playing on me? I grabbed a can of Red Bull from the fridge and opened it.
Michael hesitated. He rubbed his thin moustache with the fingers of his left hand and said slowly:
“There’s two parts to the discovery. The first was a map to the building basement but…”
“Oh, stop it, Mike,” I said, flopping back down on my (soft, warm, delicious, inviting, comfy) bed and cradling my head inside the pillow. I did not share my friend’s amateur archeologist enthusiasm. “I’m tired.”
“We found a lot of interesting stuff in the basement,” Mike said lightly. “Like at least twenty jars of ancient pickles with mold growing on the lids, as well as a mountain of rotten apples.”
“Ha, ha, ha, very funny, Mike,” I replied with some sarcasm.
“No, we really found that.” My friend smiled slightly, almost contemptuously. “But we also found another map, folded carefully away with a pile of books, papers, documents, letters… It’s getting very interesting this time, Andy. This time I think we discovered something important.”
“Really?” I flinched. “Why do I not believe this?”
“Andy, this is really serious this time,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “We found an almost-ancient map to…”
“Hold on, air bud,” I interrupted him for the millionth time. “How can you find ancient maps in a modern building?”
Mike breathed heavily. He was clearly not pleased with me reasoning like that. “That’s the point, Andy!” he said through gritted teeth. “We figured that the building is really much older than it seems.” My friend got up and put his hands on his hips. “The basement floors and the first level are near-ancient. They were renovated a couple times, and then a couple of additional levels were built. That was renovated a couple of times as well. Modern furniture is put in, walls painted with paint instead of whitewash, and poof! We’ve got a beautiful archeologist meeting building. We couldn’t get it better, Andy. The base and first floor belonged to an explorer a couple centuries ago. His papers and notes were never cleaned out. That is what we found. The base floor was hidden pretty well. The door was hidden. There must be a reason for that, Andy…” He stood up and looked down at me.
I sighed. “There’s always a reason for something, Mike. Like last time, when we nearly got our heads chopped off. There was a reason for us to go into the damn death-trap cave. But I want to stick with my life, thank you very much. My head is not in a hurry to get detached from the rest.”
“Listen Andy!” Mike was starting to get irritated with my pessimism by now. But he knows better than to fling a hammer at my head and duct tape me. “The map we found lead us to the Orchard, near Brooks Avenue. You know that place, don’t you?”
I nodded carefully, feeling around for jokes with my mental antennae.
“There, we found a fairly large clay pot filled with this.” Michael pulled a large, shiny piece of metal out of his pocket. That piece of metal was a golden coin. A head of some ancient emperor was engraved in it, and tiny rubies and sapphires decorated the edge.
I gasped, and my heart started racing considerably faster. Hm… Maybe not such a bad idea after all… What is there to loose? (well, not counting my head)
“In the jar there was a note, saying that it is a small sample what he found,” Michael continued. “What he found in the Yoir Arrayo Mines, Andy! If we find it, we’re going to be world famous! Famous for turning a legend into truth. It’s even better than El Dorado.”
My heart skipped a beat as I heard the words “Yoir Arrayo.” The Yoir Arrayo Treasure was the legend of my times – the topic of the century. Was the legendary cursed treasure real, or was it another fable? Was the curse true…? Were the Yoir Arrayo mines actual places on Earth…? NO! You are NOT going to do this again, Andy! Each time you go on one of those crazy expeditions, they turn out to be a disaster, I thought.
Mike saw my hesitation.
“The trip’s on us, Andy. And the government insured us well. If you break your neck, they pay for the funeral. You won’t have to pay a penny.” I scowled at him as he said that. “I mean… if you break your arm, then they’ll pay for the x-rays and cast,” he corrected himself quickly, seeing that the joke did not strike me as funny. I glared at him again, sipping my Red Bull.
“We’re going to need a crew. I don’t know if the rest is going to approve this idea as I am. For now…” I added, trying to sound very hesitant.
Mike winked at me. “Professor D is taking care of it.”
I sighed. “You’ve thought of everything.”
“As always. Now, do you have an extra bottle of Coke? I’m thirsty.”

Alright so I apologize beforehand if I sound harsh or anything, I have your best intentions at heart

I was in my bed. Not quite asleep anymore, but I felt that familiar blissfulness that makes you want to lay like that forever. Saturday mornings were always my favorite day your MC says 'saturday mornings' were your favorite day, but the subject here is 'saturday mornings' therefore they are his favorite /part/ of the day. – they’re peaceful; I don’t have to do a lot of work. It’s a day of complete relaxation for me. I can turn on the computer and write for hours, or switch on the TV and dose off on the couch while watching CSI. The sun was bouncing off the protective cover of my eyelids, what? protective cover of your eyelids? That is just an awkward phrase, right there. and I could feel it’s warmth on my face. Everything is quiet, only the birds were chit-chatting Do you mean chirping? Out of all the verbs, chit-chatting just doesn't quite work their gleeful songs. I was having a beautiful dream when…

So far not bad. I kind of like your narration, that is to say, your MC's "voice". He/she seems to me like a pretty laid-back kinda person, which is cool. I also like to point out--the CSI reference? This character is instantly relate-able to me

BAM! A loud bang tore me away from my heavenly state of [s]tranquillization[/s] tranquility.
“What?” I [s]sighed[/s] said.
Somebody was (obviously) knocking on the door. [s]Mumble[/s].
“Andy, open up!”
Yes, that’s definitely Mike (my best friend). I slid out of bed, still half asleep. I had only three hours of sleep the night before, for Pete’s sake! What on earth is he thinking? I [s]tweezed[/s] ? around in the lock with my key and the door flew open as Michael rushed in.
“You won’t believe it, Andy!” he said [s]excitedly[/s]. “You won’t believe what we found!”

Don't be afraid of said. I don't like the 'sighing'


Seeing his always-joyful, bright face cheered me up a little. I always had trouble acting mad around someone who’s so happy that they can’t speak (they sing instead). I usually wasn’t running around bouncing from joy, but it pleased me to see him in a good mood. Don’t get me wrong – he was always in a good mood. But it was just me – happy when others are.
“Speak up,” I inquired, still tolerant of his ruthless, totally inappropriate happiness.
“Professor D just found…”
“A gold mine?” I enjoyed fiddling with his nerves like that. Not with cruelty – with humor. And he had nothing against it.
“No. he found…”
“A new specie of dinosaur?”
“No, care to listen up, will you? He…”
“Let me guess. He just found a thousand ancient drawings in some hideous cavern where the walls are made of bat dung and crawl with roaches?”
“No, Andy! He found a map!”
“A map? A map to what?”
“ Looks like it was a map to the building basement, but…”
“Oh, stop it, Mike,” I said, flopping back down on my (soft, warm, delicious, inviting, comfy) bed and cradling my head inside the pillow. I did not share my friend’s amateur archeologist enthusiasm. “I’m tired.”
“But we found a lot of cool stuff in the basement,” Mike protested. “Like at least twenty jars of ancient pickles with mold growing on the lids, as well as a mountain of rotten apples.”
“Ha, ha, ha, very funny, Mike,” I replied with some sarcasm.
“No, we really found that.” Michael squinted slightly, almost contemptuously. “But we also found another map, folded carefully away with a pile of books, papers, documents, letters… It’s getting very interesting this time, Andy. This time I think we discovered something important.”
“Really?” I flinched. “Why do I not believe this?”
“Andy, this is really serious this time,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “We found an almost-ancient map to…”
“Hold on, air bud,” I interrupted him for the millionth time. “How can you find ancient maps in a modern building?”
“That’s the point, Andy! We figured that the building is really much older than it seems. The basement floors and the first level are near-ancient. They were renovated a couple times, and then a couple of additional levels were built. That was renovated a couple of times as well. Modern furniture is put in, walls painted with paint instead of whitewash, and poof! We’ve got a beautiful amateur archeologist meeting building. We couldn’t get it better, Andy. The base and first floor belonged to an explorer a couple centuries ago. His papers and notes were never cleaned out. That is what we found. The base floor was hidden pretty well. The door was hidden. There must be a reason for that, Andy…”
I sighed. “There’s always a reason for something, Mike.”
“Listen Andy!” Mike was starting to get irritated with my pessimism by now. But he knows better than to fling a hammer at my head and duct tape me. “The map we found lead us to the Orchard, near Brooks Avenue. You know that place, don’t you?”
I nodded carefully, feeling around for jokes with my mental antennae.
“There, we found a fairly large clay pot filled with this.” Michael pulled a large, shiny piece of metal out of his pocket. That piece of metal was a golden coin.
My heart started racing considerably faster. Hm… Maybe not such a bad idea after all… What is there to loose?
“In the jar there was a note, saying that it is a small sample what he found,” Michael continued. “What he found in the Yoir Arrayo Mines, Andy! If we find it, we’re rich!”
My heart skipped a beat as I heard the words “Yoir Arrayo.” The Yoir Arrayo Treasure was the legend of my times – the topic of the century. Was the legendary cursed treasure real, or was it another fable? Was the curse true…? Were the Yoir Arrayo mines actual places on Earth…? NO! You are NOT going to do this again, Andy! Each time you go on one of those crazy expeditions, they turn out to be a disaster, I thought.
Mike saw my hesitation.
“The trip’s on me Andy. And the government insured us well.”
I nodded my head. “We’re going to need a crew. I don’t know if the rest is going to approve this idea as I am.”
Mike winked at me. “Professor D is taking care of it.”
“You’ve thought of everything.”
“As always.”[/quote]

Hey, welcome to YWS! Always nice to see some new faces on the boards

Your story sounds very interesting so far. I love tales of lost mines and buried treasure (I've always been a fan of Indiana Jones, lol) so this is right up my alley. That said, I did notice a few things I thought you could improve on.

1. You have fairly good grammar, punctuation and spelling, but there are a couple of places where the words you've used seem inappropriate for the context. For example "blissfulness", "tranquillization" and "fiddling with his nerves" seem somehow awkward to me. I understand what you mean, but somehow the phrasing seems wrong. You might want to smooth that out.

2. You have a tendency to repeat yourself a bit - or perhaps what I mean is, you linger too long on unimportant scenes. The dialogue about the map was funny, but it seemed too drawn out and insubstantial. Similarly, in your haste to get the idea of Mike's buoyant personality across, you spent the best part of a paragraph going on about it. You might want to bulk it up with a bit of description, have you characters moving around or interacting physically with their surroundings as they talk, and showing things through action rather than telling the reader directly. Perhaps you could also sneak in a bit of exposition about why Andy is so hesitant to accept his friend's word, etc.

3. One major problem I had was these guys really didn't seem like adults to me until the very end there. They seem more like bouncy 13-year-old kids, I'm afraid. I love how Mike's so bubbly and enthusiastic and Andy's such a pessimist, but perhaps you could scale back their personalities a little, and describe their appearances and surroundings a bit more so that we get a better idea of their age and maturity. Throwing in details like stuff about the insurance is good, but it really needs to happen earlier - otherwise, we're left thinking "Why is a kid talking about insurance?" Unless of course they *are* meant to be kids and I'm reading it wrong, in which case, ignore me XD

4. This feels a bit rushed to me. Maybe that's the effect of Mike's personality, but there seems to be little substance to this intro. Perhaps you could work on fleshing it out a bit more.

Overall, sounds like an intriguing piece. I'll look forward to reading more

Cheers,
~bubbles

Thanks, bubblewrapped for the very helpful review! I will edit this intro soon, and also post the 1st chapter. Thank you bunches - this really helps.
Oh, and yes, Andy and Mike are supposed to be adults.

I edited it... Hope its better than v1!