Young Writers Society

Ok, here's the beginning of a story I wrote. If you can find some time to review, please do. I need all the help I can get. Thanks!

Hi, my name is Mart2378. I am a product that lives on the Planet Menotah, as well as everyone else who lives here. I don’t really know if I believe it, but supposedly, the Criners (the angels that live on Jupiter), created us. They supposedly have a big corporation that manufactures and creates… us.

Whenever I question this, all my teachers tell me is that “it says it in The Great Book.” The Great Book is a book that tells everything about us, our planet, and everything else you want to know. But how do we know that The Great Book is real? It says in The Great Book, “Anyone who dares to doubt the word of the Criners shall be immediately turned off power.” Basically, this line means that if anyone doubts what The Great Book says will be killed. It says “turned off power” because we are machines.

But we are not your average machine. We can do extraordinary things. I mean, I’m thankful, but I don’t really know if I believe that The Great Book is real. It says in The Great Book, “The Criner’s word shall be passed down to each and every machine that is created.” I do doubt The Great Book but I would never dare to say it out loud. If I did, I would be turned off power.

The Criner’s are always watching. They supposedly have huge factories in Jupiter where they watch us through hidden cameras on our planet. They have controls for every machine ever created. So if I said that I doubt them, they could immediately press the “off” button and I would no longer be here. But that is what is said in The Great Book also, so how do I know to believe it?

Maybe if I did say I doubt it, nothing would happen. Maybe my whole life and everyone on this planet’s whole life has been a big scam. Maybe there are no such things as Criners. Maybe we aren’t machines. Maybe we are some other type of creature. But I will never know. The Criners never appear to us.

Well actually, The Great Book does say, “On the day every machine does not question the Criners actions that will be the day that the Criners will reveal themselves to you. That will be the day you will get all your answers.” So if The Great Book is true, then that will be a day to remember.

So, getting more to the point, I am going to tell you a little more about my planet. My mother works at the Earth- Menotah Communications Building. Earth is a planet that we know for a fact is real, unlike Jupiter. We know because we have direct communication with Earth. On Earth, there is an Earth- Menotah Communications Building too.

My mother tells me that they are trying to figure out how to make it available to travel to and from Earth back to Menotah. I’ve never been to Earth. No one in the history of our planet has ever been to Earth because it says in The Great Book, “Machines will be turned off if they even attempt to leave Planet Menotah.” So really, don’t tell anyone, but my mothers work is very secret.

My mother, along with her other co-workers, created a building that is hidden from the Criners cameras, if they are real. She won’t tell me how because she says, “It is confidential information, sweetie.” I really love my mom because when I think of her, I think of her as a “rebel”. Ha. Someone who goes against what everyone believes. She is a big inspiration for me.


Ok, so that's the beginning. Please take the time to review, if you have the chance.

Thanks,
Adam

I like it because most fantasy/science fiction type books' plots have already been taken, but there are few settings like this. I'm interested to see how it will start to form.

I would start to give some more information about the robot thingys before you continue story because I'm still interesed in knowing more about them.

okay. i like the setting and what you are trying to do with it. however, i feel as though too much focus is being placed upon the great book and also the details. what genre is this? but yeah. i like what you're trying to do and all i would basically say, is that maybe you could cut back on the technical stuff.

powerofwords2008 wrote:okay. i like the setting and what you are trying to do with it. however, i feel as though too much focus is being placed upon the great book and also the details. what genre is this? but yeah. i like what you're trying to do and all i would basically say, is that maybe you could cut back on the technical stuff.

The reason I'm quoting the Great Book a lot is because that is what tells about the planet. It's sort of, a subconcious way to get the info about the planet out to the reader... if you know what I mean.

Anyways, thanks for reviewing!



Adam

Gabe wrote:I like it because most fantasy/science fiction type books' plots have already been taken, but there are few settings like this. I'm interested to see how it will start to form.

I would start to give some more information about the robot thingys before you continue story because I'm still interesed in knowing more about them.

Hey, thanks for reviewing! I have already continued to write it, and I can guarantee you that there is more info about the robots coming.

Thanks!



Adam