Young Writers Society

this snipit has been incorperated into my larger story,
its in fantasy fiction called luannas story so far,
go cheek it out, im looking for reviews!!!
x

It's some nice description, but you need more. There really isn't enough to give a proper critique. I mean, how are we supposed to know what's happening from a snipit?

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

yh ur right it does need more.
but it was kinda a spur of the moment thing, and it doesnt really go anywhere at the moment, perhaps i can create sumut around it or incorperate it in another peices of work.
thanks for my first review tho

yes Arekkusu i like that line very much as well

First of all, welcome to YWS! As you probably guessed, browsing through the forums and checking out our rules and guides, we really really like proper English. So make sure all your posts are neat and work out on your spellchecker! It's a hassle at first, but it's worth it in the end.

Anyway, on to your story! This seems like only a small section of something larger. As I read this, I am wondering what she is running from and why she is so badly hurt. Right now, I am actually working on something like this in my novel, so I can sympathize with how hard it is to write such a piece, but I urge you to add more onto it. Some things that you can help expand it:

Who is she running from?

Why is she beaten?

Did she come into the chase accidentally or was she aware that she would be a chase? Did somebody set her up?

So answer those questions and you'll be able to develop a story that is awesome. Conclusions, which is what you have right now, are nice, but without a story to hook on, they are essentially meaningless.

Good luck and welcome again to YWS!