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Fallen



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Sat May 03, 2008 2:26 pm
deleted2 says...



The word I chose is: Alive
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Gradually slipping into consciousness I moaned, feeling dizzy. My limbs were heavy, as though weighed down by a slab of concrete, a disturbingly odd and unfamiliar sensation. I had never experienced anything that was within miles of this feeling, the occasional cuts and bruises shrinking away in comparison to the anguish that currently held me in a chokehold.

I took rapid, shallow breaths, determining that I was lying on some kind of hard floor. What happened? When I tried to remember why I was lying here my head pounded in protest, perfectly sinchronized with my quick heartbeat, sending waves of pain down my neck. I couldn't imagine how much worse that feeling would get if I opened my eyes. Parting my lips slightly I drew air deep into my lungs, attempting to verify whether there was any part of me that didn’t hurt.

The dull, and occasionally sharp, throbbing sensation seemed to originate from multiple places along my legs and back. Mainly, at least. It felt as though none of me was left completely intact. I swallowed with some difficulty, my mouth dry, and moved my fingers.

Wham!

Pain flashed up my arm. I gasped, clenching my teeth together.

Oh my god.

As I lay perfectly still, recovering from the sudden wall of pain I'd ran into, a warm tear tickled down my cheek, sliding slowly past my ear into my neck. I had never felt anything like this before. The pain was so real, so inescapable, that it scared me. My previous injuries had never been beyond superficial, varying from bruises to scratches and bumps, but this was something far, far more serious. And it was too much for me to handle.

What happened? Why does everything hurt? The memory rushed back into my mind, and I couldn't help but flinch, opening my eyes wide. The dim light stepping the agony up a notch, and I blinked. I moaned, fearful of seeing him anywhere, scanning my surroundings as well as I could while refraining from turning my head.

My neck… I couldn’t figure out whether or not I was able to move, dreading the anticipation of another wave of white-hot anguish. I wanted to try, but somehow lacked the willpower to move the muscles that would commit that action.

The window, his strong hands on my shoulders, pushing me backwards with tremendous force; it all came back to me now, and I stared up at the darkening, cloudy sky. My gaze traveled down the tall building, searching.

There it was: the broken fifth floor window, its soft blue curtains flapping wildly in the wind, for the first time free from their glass barrier. It was the apartment of Mischa’s nineteen-year-old boyfriend, Jordy. Where is she? Did he hurt her too?

Pain of mind-numbing proportions hit me, and I whimpered. Closing my eyes I focused on the pain, determining that it originated from someplace on the right side of my forehead, where a sticky, warm sensation lingered. Blood was trickling down the side of my face, tickling as it made its way down my neck.. Something dawned on me, and I returned my gaze to the clouds above. The light was dimming, it was nearly nightfall. What had happened to the past hours?

As the broken window caught my gaze I could barely believe I was alive. Who would have deemed it possible that one could live to tell the tale of plummeting down five stories and crashing into the pavement below? No wonder I had been out cold for what occurred to be many hours.

God, I thought, I wonder how many bones I haven't broken.

What time was it? How long had I been out here?

I moaned in pain as I tried to lift my arm again, then, having made it to a mere several centimeters above the pavement, I settled it back down. I wished for it to go away, for it to end, and shut my eyes, hoping to drift back into unconsciousness. Judging by the warm flow of blood from my head wound it wouldn’t take too long to faint due to excessive loss of blood, anyway.

Think positively, Cath, you're alive, someone will come help you. Jordi tried to kill me... I need to find a way to get Mischa out of harm's way. What the hell has he done to her if I'm worthy of tossing out a window?

“Cathy?”

I didn't reply, wondering whether the voice was real.

"Cath?" I was certain I'd heard it this time, and looked up at a scared and wide-eyed face that hung above mine. I blinked several times, trying to adjust the blurry image.

“M-Mischa…” I whimpered, failing to continue my sentence, unable to verbalize the many questions tumbling around in my mind.

“Oh my god, Cathy! You’re alive!” She covered her mouth with her hands, crying, then brushed a strand of hair off my face. "I thought I’d lost you." She sobbed, her tears dripping down, mixing with my own on my damp cheek. I was relieved to see that she was okay; I wouldn’t put it past Jordy to have a go at taking her life.

“A-Ambu… Ambulance…” My throat was raw, and I could barely even understand my own croaking. Mischa nodded, exasperated, then turned away. The sound of jingling keys and the dull thudding of plastic hitting plastic reached my brain sluggishly, as though the signals were slowed on the way. I assumed she was rummaging through her bag. I could easily imagine her pushing aside the many lip-gloss tubes and eye shadow containers that always filled her bag during a frantic search for her phone.

Mischa’s familiar face appeared in my line of sight again, and I winced as she touched my cheek. "Don’t move, sweetie… Stay down." I almost had to smile at her comment, wondering if I looked as though I could move.

I breathed rapidly, feeling my chest heave, and then tried to shift my right foot. The feeling wasn’t all too bad, though it sent pain waves through my lower back. At least that leg appeared to be somewhat undamaged.

As I listened to Mischa’s panicked chattering over the phone, telling the 911 dispatcher to send an ambulance as soon as possible, my distraught mind noted something. She didn’t mention that I had been pushed. She didn't tell them that it was attempted murder rather than an accident.

“Mischa… Tell them… Jordy…” I tried, surprised at how weak I sounded. She closed her phone, sliding it into the pocket of her jeans, then glanced down at me fleetingly and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Cathy, I… I can’t. I’ll tell them it was an accident, he doesn’t… he’s… he’s not a bad person.”

She was under his thumb. I felt my frustration rise, even more so because I was in no position to argue. Not only could I not physically speak properly or move, the words of protest failed to even form in my head, drifting around like incoherent sentence fragments.

I looked up at her, the normally perfect beach blond hair that encircled her face a knotted mess. It was only then that I noticed the beginning of a new bruise around her left eye, and the swelling of her lower lip.

“He… hit… he hit you?” I managed. With an increasingly pitiful feeling I watched her expression twist. She frowned deeply, more tears running down her cheeks, and gave a short nod. “I can’t tell the cops, Cathy, he’ll kill me.”

“Wh-Why?” I whispered, not sure of what I was asking her, nearing the end of my ability to communicate. Nausea rushed through my body, and I whined sickly.

Mischa lifted her eyes, then froze, her frightened gaze on something that was positioned on the other side of me. I didn’t have the willpower, nor energy, to once again turn my head, and whispered with the last of my powers. “What… Misha? What…?”

She didn’t reply.

Footsteps echoed through the narrow alley between the two tall buildings, and I felt the pavement vibrate slightly. Judging by the look on my friends’ face it was her boyfriend who came to admire his handiwork. I couldn't help but wonder whether he was proud of himself.

“She alive, Mish?” His low voice sounded calm and free of guilt, as though he was asking her to pass the salt across the dinner table. I shut my eyes, hoping she’d not tell him that I was conscious. If he knew I was awake he'd most likely get rid of the evidence of his crime. Dead people, after all, don't tell tales. I slowed my breathing, hoping it would go unnoticed. I would literally die of pain if he even so much as touched me.

I peeked through near-closed eyelids, and to my relief saw that Mischa began to shake her head, tears flowing freely. "You killed her, Jordy!" She sobbed. "She was one of my best friends! And you killed her!"
A shoe made contact with my side. Though it was not quite a kick I only just suppressed a moan.

Ignore the pain, don’t stir, don’t scream.

Please let him believe her.

Please, God.


“Be thankful you’re still alive, bitch, now get over here and listen closely to what I tell you.”

I felt her leave my side with a soft, caring touch to my forehead, and then heard two pairs of footsteps walk away.

“She fell through the window; it was an accident. The clumsy bitch tripped over the fucking coffee table and we couldn’t save her anymore. Got it?” Even from a distance the venom in his words and the hatred in his tone were omnipresent. I imagined his contorted expression, and his blue eyes that could switch between kind and cruel. It was almost as though he was able to change the color at will, making it lighter or darker as he pleased.

Their voices were audible, but drifted slowly to the background of my mind while memories played in the foreground.

They used to be so adorable as a couple, Mischa being one of those near-perfect girls, with extremely good looks that gained her popularity among the older boys. Jordy was the kind, gorgeous, funny and caring prince charming every girl dreamed of. If I could I would have grinned at my unintentional cliché, but my strength was draining quickly, not to mention the fact that Jordy was only meters away. Grinning wasn't what I was to spend my energy on. I needed it to survive.

Exactly a month ago today Mischa had arrived at my doorstep, hysterical, bruises covering her body and face. He’d turned on her, and neither of us could figure out what had brought about the 180 degree personality change. It only took Jordy an hour to track her down, and he came knocking on my family’s front door, acting worried and loving. My parents bought his every word, and let him in, leaving him with us in my room.

They still had no idea of the threats he hissed in my ear, the rough way in which he’d pulled Misha to her feet, nor the foul, angered words that had left his beautifully-shaped lips. After all, he said he’d kill her if I were to tell anyone. As he left my room he changed once again, becoming the man everyone thought he was, helping his battered girlfriend down the stairs, swearing he’d make the attacker pay for what he did.

A stinging smack echoed between the buildings, and Mischa wailed, interrupting my thoughts violently. I clenched my teeth together, hearing her pain.

She mumbled something I couldn’t understand, but despite being out of earshot I knew she was agreeing with him. No one in their right mind argues with a man after witnessing him throw someone out of a fifth story window. I had pointed out that he needed to stop abusing her, triggering his enraged attack. Sirens approached, and relief flooded my entire system. The horrid situation would come to an end soon.

I heard him raise his voice, and the sound of another sharp slap filled my ears. I closed my eyes even more tightly, not able to stand the fact that she was being abused while I lay here, incapable of helping her. Incapable of helping anyone, including myself.

“Go inside, now!” He hollered, and once again she let out a sound of fear and pain. What was he doing now? Grabbing her arm roughly enough to leave a mark?

The sirens came closer and closer, and I prayed they'd get here before he hurt her bad. They would be able to see the bruises, wouldn’t they? They'd notice, they'd help her, and they'd stop him, I was sure of it.

“She better be dead, bitch.” Were the last of a series of menacing words I heard before the door of the apartment block was slammed shut. I breathed deeply, glancing at the door from the corner of my eye, the image unclear.

I gasped when the emergency exit was tossed open, flinching, then felt my muscles stiffen up as pain surged through my entire body. Damn it Cathy! Don't move!

For a moment I couldn’t see anything, black dots filling my vision. I wasn't able to outrun them, as they followed when I set my gaze on another blurry object. When the feeling passed I noted the enraged shouting and ear-piercing thuds. I took a fleeting look. It was Jordy, his back towards me, his white knuckled fist pounding the iron door. Thank God he wasn't beating her like that, for I doubted her frail body would withstand an attack that was so filled with rage that it left an iron door dented.

He moved to the right, dropping his fists, and towered over Mischa. She was sitting on the concrete stairs, cowering, her cheeks glistening with tears. He was leaning against the wall now, one arm above his head, panting.

"Jordy…" Her tone was pleading, and frightened. Jordy straitened up, stepping towards her and blocking my view, then snapped. "What? I know the fucking cops are coming, I can hear them! Who the fuck called it in anyway?" The door began to swing shut, and I watched it go, powerless, until the soft click separated me from Mischa for the second time.

Please let them get here in time to save her, don’t let him hurt her, please.

Flashing blue lights filled the alley, and I allowed myself to smile, using up my last bit of strength. Jordy wouldn’t be around to see the paramedics determine that I wasn’t gone, and by then there would be nothing more he could do to me. When I wake up, I thought, slipping into a comforting darkness. I’ll tell then what you did, Jordy, I’ll tell them everything; I swear. You will never touch either one of us again.
Last edited by deleted2 on Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:19 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Sat May 03, 2008 3:48 pm
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Angel of Death says...



This was really good. You captured the emotion of a battered woman very well and the MC was believable as well. I hope Mischa gets a happy ending. Keep writing!!
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Sat May 03, 2008 5:17 pm
JFW1415 says...



I'm baaack! :wink:

Here to claim the few points for ages of work as always. (Feel the guilt! haha)

Yeah...that's pretty much it.

Long critique in the attachment.

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415
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Sat May 03, 2008 5:23 pm
Ross says...



Oh my goodness! This was one of the most heart-wrenching stories I've ever read. I could relate to the MC, feel her frustration and anger. Jordy is just one of those characters I love to hate. ;) I really hope Misha is happy at the end and Jordy to prison! :)
And we'll be a dream...

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Sat May 03, 2008 7:48 pm
xhalcyonx128 says...



First of all let me say that I was drawn in by this story, but I found it to be distant at times. It's very good though. Also, I'm partial to present tense for this type of story, but past is fine as well. I used wonderful Word to document my critiques :-)

Feel free to PM me with any questions.

Happy writing!


Hmm....I'm having technical difficulties, so I'll PM you the word doc with my critique. :-)
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Sat May 03, 2008 8:15 pm
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xhalcyonx128 says...



ahhhhh noo!!!!!! i'm having extreme difficulties attaching this file, so i'll post it on here...but that means i'll have to go through and do the crossouts and italics again....oh well here we go...btw, just because something isnt bolded or crossed out doesn't mean i didn't make changes. sorry for the confusion! i wish this attachment was working.


My limbs were heavy, as though weighed down by a slab of concrete, which was a disturbingly odd and unfamiliar sensation. [s]Never had I experienced anything that was within miles of this feeling. [/s]I understand the premise of these statements, but they seem too distant. Try something like “the searing pain was a thousand times worse than my daily rug burns and toe stubbings”. Especially the “disturbingly odd and unfamiliar sensation” bit, how odd and unfamiliar is it exactly?

I would never whine about a papercut again. This is humorous, but detracts from the seriousness of the piece, so you might want to think about eliminating this.

I breathed in, shallow, determining that I was lying on a some kind of cold, hard floor. I kept my eyes closed, my head pounding agonizingly along with my heartbeat. I couldn't imagine worried how much worse that feeling would get if I opened my eyes.

Oh my god, I thought, as I opened my mouth slightly and drew air deep into my lungs, attempting to verify whether there was any part of me that didn’t hurt.

The dull throbbing sensation seemed to originate from multiple places along my legs and back, mainly, as though nothing appeared to be completely intact. I swallowed with difficulty, my mouth dry, and moved my hand.

[s]Wham! [/s]You really don’t need this, “pain flashed up my arm" will take care of the intensity of the pain

Pain flashed up my arm, and I gasped, clenching my teeth together.

Oh my god.

Lying perfectly still I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek. I had never felt anything like this before. The pain was so real, so inescapable, that it scared me. [s]I had never broken any bones, my injuries always superficial.[/s] I would say: before now – before this – the injuries had been purely superficial.

This is just too much.

What had happened?

Why did everything hurt?


The memory rushed back into my mind, and I opened my eyes wide, light stepping the agony up a notch. I moaned, fearful of seeing him anywhere, scanning my surroundings as well as I could while refraining from without turning my head. (sometimes a simple word will do the job better than an overly verbose statement)

My neck… I couldn’t figure out whether or not I was able to move, dreading the anticipation of another wave of white-hot agony. can you use another word instead of agony? you just used it a little while ago, and repetition in this way isn't prefered.

The window, his strong brusque hands on my shoulders, pushing me thrusting me backwards with tremendous force. It all came back to me, and I stared up at the cloudy sky, then moved my gaze down the tall building. [s]until I found what I was seeking. [/s]

There it was: Tthe broken 5th floor window, its soft blue curtains flapping wildly in the wind, for the first time free from their glass barrier. The apartment of Mischa’s nineteen-year-old boyfriend.

Where is she?

A wall of mind-numbing agony hit me, and I wimpered, noting the sticky feeling on my forehead. Was I bleeding? How much am I bleeding? I thought, I could bleed to death right here, without knowing if he hurt her too.

I couldn’t believe I was alive. I had deemed it impossible that one could live to tell the tale of plummeting down five stories and crashing into the pavement below a sea of concrete.

God, I thought, I wonder how many bones I haven't broken.

What time is it? How long had I been out here? (try to keep your thoughts in present tense, and italicized, and the action in past)

I moaned in pain as I tried to lift my arm again, then, having made it to a mere several centimeters above the pavement, I settled let it crash back down.

‘Cathy?’ a scared and wide-eyed face appeared above mine, and I blinked several times, trying to adjust the blurry image.

‘M-Mischa…’ I whimpered, failing to continue my sentence, unable to verbalize the many questions tumbling around in my damaged mind.

‘Oh my god Cathy! You’re alive!’ she covered her mouth with her hands, crying, then brushed a strand of hair off my face ‘I thought I’d lost you’ she sobbed, her tears dripping down, mixing with my own on my damp cheek.

‘A-…Ambul.. Ambulance,’ my throat was raw, and I could barely even understand my own croaking. Mischa nodded, exasperated, then turned away and, by the sound of it, rummaged through her bag.

I breathed rapidly, feeling my chest heave, and began to turn my head. The feeling wasn’t all too bad, though it sent pain waves through my lower back. At least my neck appeared to be somewhat undamaged.

I listened to Mischas’s panicked chattering over the phone, telling the 911 dispatcher to send an ambulance as soon as possible. As I listened, my distraught mind noted she didn’t mention bringing contacting the police.

‘Mischa…. Cops,’ I exhaled ‘Call… Call cops’

She glanced down at me fleetingly, then shook her head, ‘I’m sorry, Cathy, I… I can’t. I’ll tell them it was an accident, he doesn’t… he’s… he’s not a bad person’ (conversation really should have quotation marks: “ not ‘)

I could tell she was under his thumb, doing as he told. I felt frustration rise, but I was in no position to argue. Not only could I not physically speak in any proper way, the words of protest failed to even form in my head, drifting around like incoherent sentence fragments. This paragraph is particularly detached, as if you are telling the story to a friend 10 years after the fact.

I looked up at her, the normally perfect beach blond hair that encircled her face a knotted mess. It was only then that I noticed the beginnings of a bruise around her left eye, her lower lip was quickly swelling up.

‘He… hit… he hit you?’ I managed, and watched her expression twist. She frowned deeply, more tears running down her cheeks, and gave a short nod, ‘I can’t tell the cops, Cathy, he’ll kill me’

‘Wh-Why?’ I whispered, nearing the end of my ability to communicate, nausea and vertigo rushing through my body.

Mischa lifted her eyes, then froze, her frightened gaze focused on the side alley. I didn’t have the willpower to turn my head, and whimpered quietly, ‘What… Misha? What…?’

She didn’t reply, her stillness reminding me of the motionless and terrified rabbit I'd once seen in the brightness of our SUV's headlights. To my horror my father had been unable to swerve in time.

Footsteps echoed through the narrow alley between the two tall buildings, and I felt the pavement vibrate slightly. Judging by the look on my friends’ face it was her boyfriend, Jordy, the one who had tried to kill me.

‘She alive, Mish?’, his low voice sounded cold and uncaring, and I shut my eyes, hoping she’d not tell him that I was conscious. I wouldn’t put it past him to get rid of the evidence of his crime.

Meaning, me.

Gradually Mischa began to shake her head, tears flowing freely, ‘You killed her, Jordy!’ she sobbed. I felt a foot make contact with my side, and only barely suppressed a cry of pain.

Ignore the pain, don't stir, don't scream.

Please let him believe her.

Please, God.

‘Be thankful you’re still alive, bitch, now come over here and listen closely to what I tell you’

I felt her leave my side with a soft, caring touch to my forehead, and then heard two pairs of footsteps distanciate. (I’m pretty sure that distanciate isn’t a word.)

‘She fell through the window, it was an accident. She tripped over the coffee table, you get me? If it wasn’t for her own clumsiness she’d be alive right now! DO YOU GET ME?’

Even from a distance I could clearly hear the venom in his words, the hatred in his tone, and imagined his contorted expression, and [s]most likely[/s] his threateningly raised fist.

They used to be so adorable as a couple, Mischa being one of those near-perfect girls, with good looks that gained her popularity among the older boys, and Jordy being the kind, gorgeous, funny and caring prince charming every girl dreamed of. (ahhhhhhhhh clichés!!!!!! I loved how original the story had been, up until this cliché. I suggest you rework this, there are plenty of ways you can talk about a cute couple.)

Until one day Mischa arrived at my doorstep, hysterical, bruises covering her body and face. That was exactly a month ago, today. (Why did he turn into a monster? Did he get into drugs or alcohol? Bad family life? Something had to cause him to do a 180)

It only took him an hour to track her down, and he came banging on my family’s front door, acting worried and loving. My parents bought his every word, and left him with us in my room. They still had no idea of the threats he hissed in my ear, like violent sweet-nothings, the rough way in which he’d pulled Misha to her feet, nor the foul, angered words that left his beautifully-shaped lips.

As he left my room he changed again, becoming the man everyone thought he was, helping his battered girlfriend down the stairs, swearing he’d make the attacker pay for what he did.

A stinging smack echoed around, and Mischa wailed, interrupting my thoughts violently. I assumed that he’d struck her. Badly.

She mumbled something I couldn’t understand, but despite being inaudible I knew she was agreeing with him.

After witnessing your boyfriend throw someone out a 5th story window for no [s]ucid[/s] clear reason (why wasn’t there a clear reason?), you’d have to be edging on suicidal to argue with him. Sirens approached, and relief flooded my entire system. (again, a very distant paragraph. Also, if you aren’t using advanced vocabulary regularly in your piece it sounds very odd when you suddenly throw it in.)

I heard him raise his voice, and the sound of another sharp slap filled my ears. I closed my eyes more tightly, unable to stand the fact that she was being abused while I lay here, incapable of helping her, incapable of helping myself.

'Go upstairs, NOW!' he hollered, and once again she let out a sound shriek of fear and pain.

The sirens came closer and closer, and I prayed they'd get here before he hurt her badly. They would be able to see the bruises? Right? They'd notice, they'd help her, they'd stop him.

'She better be dead, bitch', were the last menacing words I heard before the door of the apartment block slammed shut.

The paramedics would determine I wasn’t gone, but by then there would be nothing more Jordy could do to me. When I wake up, I thought, slipping into the darkness of unconsiousness, I'll tell them what you did, Jordy, i’ll tell them everything. You’ll never touch either of us again; I swear it.
[/i]
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Sat May 03, 2008 8:24 pm
xhalcyonx128 says...



I noticed you had a problem with forming conversations, gramatically speaking.

"When a character speaks to another, they have to speak in a certain manner," says the professor, "They must have quotation marks around their words, and if the author makes an interjection," as the author does here, "then a comma must be placed before the end quotation mark. If the character picks up in mid-sentence then continue as usual, if they start a new sentence then captialized the new sentence." The author notes that the capitalization was not a noticed problem in the alive story. "But, when the charater uses a question mark or an exclaimation mark a comma is not necessary!" The author hopes this has helped you in some way, and is not in any way assuming your grammatical knowlege is inept.

:-)
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Sat May 03, 2008 10:00 pm
deleted2 says...



Haha ! Thanks :D That last comment was funy !
Made me crack up :P

Thanks for the comments guys!

XxxDo
  





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Tue May 06, 2008 9:22 pm
cheerleaderforthechoir22 says...



that was amazing!
i loved the whole plot line, and that you gave some background information, and I loved how you ordered everything (if you get what i mean)
GREAT!
  





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Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:19 am
Spiffygirl says...



This was a beautifully written story. I can tell that you put plenty of thought into describing this battered woman story. The part I had a problem with was the part about the cliche perfect boyfriend. Give examples about how he was perfect and wonderful, but don't use a cliche. I especially loved the last part:
I’ll tell then what you did, Jordy, I’ll tell them everything; I swear. You will never touch either one of us again.

Great job! Keep writing.
  





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Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:52 pm
Scorpia says...



It was very good, I liked it. I felt really bad for Cathy, I REALLY want to hurt Jordy. Torture him, poor Mischa. How did she get in a relationship like that anyway? Get a bat and beat his brains out!

(takes deep breath) As you can see, your story grabbed me. I feel really violent now. Must. Not. Kill. My. Character. Off.

Good job, thanks for awnseruing the challenge. It was a good response!
Scorpia
Feel the urge to give some constructive criticism? Why not give it to these stories?

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Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:08 am
RoryLegend says...



*is speechless*

Very well done, superb. I really liked this. Ah! So great! This was a really great story, it all it is a good subject to write about, well at least I think it is; because you can twist it so many ways. I think you captured the emotions very well.

I am not a grammar person, and I didn't catch anything. So yeah, other people can update you on the grammar front.

I just became a little confused at the part where Jordy is beating Mischa before the ambulance comes. I'm not so sure what confused me it is late so it might just be that..but I had to read it a few times.

I liked the ending I thought it was strong. At first I didn't know what to expect from the story so you really captured me and drew me in. It was awesome! I demand that you keep writing and pm any time you want a review!

-Rory =]
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:23 pm
Sela Locke says...



As I read this, my mouth slowly began to edge open, and my hands sort of - fell asleep on the key-board. I was so wrapped up in the story, I didn't notice anything else! I've gotta say, that is an achievement for the writer. Most of the time I'm moving back and forth, leaning into the screen, then away, and so on. It's a special story that clutches my attention the whole way through, and this is it. 'Grats! I hope you win the contest, 'cause this was awesome! =D

Just two nit-picks... x-x

'Jordy straitened up'

Just add the 'gh' in there. =D

'I'll tell then what you did'

Them*

Not that those take away from the fantasticity! :D
I wish you'd write more to this, though. xD

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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145 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 145
Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:27 pm
deleted2 says...



:) Thanks for the comments :)

Xxx
  








Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
— Pablo Picasso