Young Writers Society

Okay so, this is just the start. and please don't spare me anything! Critt the hell out of it! please.
thanks Ringettegirl.


[u]The Legacy, the Chase, My Life[/u]

This whole thing started before I was born. In a way it sucks, because I have to step up and fill someone else’s shoes. But there are some perks to the legacy that I was born into. For example the law is always on my side, and I get to go to very sweet places. It might not be under the best circumstances, but I always get to have some fun! Andy, Matt, Dean, dad and me have always been together. My mum died when I was, two or three maybe? To tell you the truth I can’t remember. It seems as if that was a lifetime ago! It still hurts to think about her though. My brothers are all older than me, by a lot. Andy he’s turning 22. Matt and Dean are both turning 20. See, their both twins, and with them being identical it helps out with some of the assignments that we have to do. Me, I’m 15 and because my brothers are all doing what they chose to do with their lives that leaves me Melanie Hodson to fill the legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I’m a girl. And this is one of the most common arguments in the family. Dad thinks that I can’t do the job. Matt thinks that because I’m a girl I’ll conk out at the sight of blood. And to top it off Andy and Dean think I’m not strong enough to do the job. But at the best of times I can kick their sorry asses in only 10 minutes. That’s with all three of them ganging up on me! Boys! Who needs ‘em?

TOO MUCH MYSTERIES I CAN'T TAKE IT ARGHHHH[heart attack]


Like I just emphasised, I personally don't like this kind of mysterious stuff, tell me what she does, tell part of the legacy so that you get the reader to want to read on and see the rest of the legacy.

But there are some perks to the legacy that I was born into. For example the law is always on my side, and I get to go to very sweet places.

like what does she mean I want to know. Or then tell us the whole legacy so you can tell us the chase.

Now I think the start was essentially good, Is this the prelude or the 1 chapter?


The book seems interesting but the start is a bit short in a way.
To me there are two kind of preludes in the world of books = short and long.
Long are always more than one page and short are like 3 to 4 sentences. I have never seen one like this. It will/would be acceptable in short novels and as a single paragraph in the first chapter.

anywayz I think it's a very good start and that you should continue it.

P.S is she in the Mafia????

This whole thing started before I was born. In a way it sucks, because I have to step up and fill someone else’s shoes. But there are some perks to the legacy that I was born into. For example the law is always on my side, and I get to go to very sweet places. very sweet? use a different more adult description It might not be under the best circumstances, but I always get to have some fun! Andy, Matt, Dean, dad and me and I you say me if it comes after the verb have always been together. My mum died when I was, two or three maybe? To tell you the truth I just can’t remember. It seems as if that was a lifetime ago! It still hurts to think about her though. My brothers are all older than me, by a lot. REWRITE: My brother are alot older then me. (short and simple) Andy he’s turning what, 22. I know what you trying to do but dont say what cause it seems like you questioning yourself which makes the readers confused. Make it straight forward like: Andy's turning 22 while Matt and Dean are turning 20 Matt and Dean are both turning 20. See, their they're no their both twins covers the both part twins, and with them being identical it helps out with some of the assignments that we have to do. what assignments? explain Me, I’m 15 and because my brothers are all doing what they chose to do with their lives that leaves me Melanie Hodson to fill the legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I’m a girl. And this is one of the most common arguments in the family. Dad thinks that I can’t do the job. Matt thinks that because I’m a girl I’ll conk out at the sight of blood. And to top it off Andy and Dean think I’m not strong enough to do the job. But at the best of times I can kick their sorry asses in only 10 minutes. That’s with all three of them ganging up on me! Boys! Who needs ‘em?Boy, who needs 'em

Ok good idea. and this is a prelude? prologue? first chapter? what? I saw in the forum there is a part two which means this is longer. If you are going to make it longer cut this huge paragraph into smaller ones. Because a gigantic paragraph just doesn't look good. Plus it makes it easier for readers to loose their spots. A few typos, but everyone gets those. Try to combine some sentences so they aren't all short or super long. Also some things explain themselves while others dont.

Definitly make this longer with more description. Before you do that though take the key 'ingredients' of the story and describe them (like in a bullet list) on paper then turn those descriptions into senteces and paragraphs, this way you taking what you have already written an expanding it while only giving away as much as you want to. But readers will loose interest if they are clueless to what is going on.

Remember you know what your story is, but readers don't. Explain and describe everything like you are writing to somebody who is dumb. This way you'll get everything in there although it just may take longer. Also to map ahead create an outline!

Hope I helped