Young Writers Society

This is somthing I just started. I have a rough idea where I going with this, but I need it to be error-free first! Please help

The explosion happened at mid-day.
At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out. It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding, that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. Do you hear it too?
The teacher’s expression became distracted. As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching. Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me. We didn’t feel fear, or even panic. Just confusion. What was that noise, and why was it bringing such silence with it?
At that moment, everyone in the class was one person. The enemies, bullies, nerds, book worms. At that moment, our thoughts were together. We were one.

A sudden force threw me off my chair. My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering crack on the floor. And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping. Their owners were either knocked to the ground or gripping onto unsteady objects, trying to dig their feet into the floor.
But there were no screams.
The only sound was the grinding, now a series of deafening bangs. They were so loud that the sound was almost muted to our ears. Like how scorching sand feels cold on bare feet. Something that physics just can’t cope with.
Something that we can’t cope with.

I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs, but my hand was trapped under something, and it wouldn’t move. Not feeling the pain I should have been feeling was even worse. It made me feel dead, senseless.

My eyes began to sting. All I could see was a bright red sparks, flying everywhere. Towards the whiteboard, the fallen desks. Towards me.
I suddenly became aware of how hot it was. My back, pressed against the floor, felt like it was on fire. My legs, curled up close to my body, were suddenly unbearable to live with. I would have done anything for them to be cut off, separated from me. Anything for the pain to stop.

The ashes flying around made it had to breathe. My mouth felt choked, my throat dry. I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out. The most horrible, burning pain soared up my throat. I couldn’t live like this. The pain was killing me. And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils. Making me heave in disgust.

And slowly, wails filled my ears. Wails for it to stop. Wails for the pain to go away.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the destruction any more.

Not wanting to hear my screams.

Hey Lilicia,
So I'll just start out with a few nitpicks:

What was that noise

The sentence would flow more easily if you said "the" noise.

Something that we can’t cope with.

"couldn't"?

I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs

Comma after ears.

not wanting to see the destruction any more.

Anymore is one word.

Ok, that was all I could find just skimming through. Your prologue was very intriguing and a great hook. Though the sentences were slightly choppy, that might have been how you wanted the feeling of the story to be, breathless and confusing, and full of pain; was what I kind of got out of it.
So I applaud you on your awesome hook, I'll definitely keep reading.

~Dakota

I need it to be error-free first!

You don't have to make it perfect the first time around. Just write all your ideas down and then go back and fix it when it's done.
This is a good opening for a story. It's very descriptive. Yet it leaves out just enough to make the reader more curious.
I am very curious to see what caused the explosion.
Good luck with your writing!

Ah, nitpicking. A great hobby to have.

[quote]The explosion happened at mid-day. [/quote]

Get rid of "at". Its just an extra word, and makes the sentance longer than it should be.

[quote]Even the whispering stopped.[/quote]

Maybe, "Even the whispers halted."
Overall, It seems like you have a great idea. if you have any questions, feel free to PM me, which you should also do when you write the next chapter!

Thanks everyone! I'm writing the next part, and should put it up somtime in the next week!

Hi! I saw this a couple of days ago when it had one review and I liked the look of it, so I bookmarked it and now I've got around to reviewing it! So here I am!
First of all, I really like your writing style. It has something inexplicable about it that is so easy to read. You have a very nice way with words, I think that's the best way of putting it, and your varied sentence structure works really well.

Therefore I have very little to say except for this was excellent as I didn't spot any typos, but I do have a couple extremely minor things to suggest to you.

Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me.

I read this and thought that maybe, "Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening - even me." might look/sound/work more smoothly. What do you think?

Something that physics just can’t cope with.
Something that we can’t cope with.

This was written in the past tense, and the "physics just can't cope with" bit works, but I thought that maybe the following sentence should be "Something the we couldn't cope with." Maybe not, if you liked the way it was the same word in the two sentences - and I can see that - but maybe "couldn't" would sound better, as it's in the past tense? Something to think about anyway.

So, that's all I have to say! PM me if you want when you post the next part - either way, I'll be eager to read it!
~*cottonrulz*~

Lilicia wrote: Towards the whiteboard, the fallen desks. Towards me.

I think it should be Towards the whiteboard. Towards the fallen desks. Towards me.
But just how I write. Ending it pressing your point more. It could also start on new lines to keep pressing.
Otherwise, great story! keep writing!

This is somthing I just started. I have a rough idea where I going with this, but I need it to be error-free first! Please help

I'll help you best I can!

The explosion happened at mid-day.

I would feel more curious and immersed in the story if this part was left out, especially since the next part:

At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out. It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding, that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. Do you hear it too?

The question pulled me in completely. But since I already knew it was an explosion, I nearly stopped reading all together. However, I decided to continue.

As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching.

I'm a bit confused about how exactly he managed to stop teaching slowly. Maybe it would be more fitting if his teaching faded in the noise?

Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me.

"Even" twice in the same line didn't sound too good to me. You can leave the first one out all together.

My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering crack on the floor.

I would change this to something like:
"My desk fell on the floor, making a splintering crack in it."

And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping.

You could leave this part out.

Like how scorching sand feels cold on bare feet. Something that physics just can’t cope with.

Loved this part, absolutely marvelous. Turning sound into touch was pure genius in my opinion.

My legs, curled up close to my body, were suddenly unbearable to live with. I would have done anything for them to be cut off, separated from me. Anything for the pain to stop.

This was a very strong way of describing the pain. The thought of something being "unbearable" is very striking. Your use of the word "anything" is perfectly in sync.

The ashes flying around made it had to breathe.

I'm pretty sure you meant hard. No biggie.

I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out.

And then you huffed and you puffed until the house blew down? The repetition is unnecessary. I would lose one of the coughs.

And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils.

I think you mean "bringing".

Not wanting to hear my screams.

Perfection in a line, Period. With a capital "P" on both "Perfection" and Period.

Your way of describing the surroundings gives me the impression that you might have experienced something like this. If not, you've managed to give a realistic glimpse into the feeling of pure horror and pain through your own creativity, and if that is the case... I SALUTE YOU. I will definitely keep reading, and I'm curious to what else your creative mind might come up with. This deserves a star.

It's Amon here to do your first review. It has quite a lot of previous reviews so I'll do my best.

The explosion happened at mid-day.
At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out. It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding, that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. Do you hear it too?
The teacher’s expression became distracted. As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching. Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me. We didn’t feel fear, or even panic. Just confusion. What was that noise, and why was it bringing such silence with it?
At that moment, everyone in the class was one person. The enemies, bullies, nerds, book worms. At that moment, our thoughts were together. We were one.

A good intro but you seem to change point of view a alot. In this short passage you switch from first to third. You see when you're talking in first person your character couldn't possibly know all these things and wouldn't be aware of it all, so it comes off as third person omniscient. Say something like. "I looked around to see if everyone was hearing what I was hearing." Then go to the characters observations.


A sudden force threw me off my chair. My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering crack on the floor. And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping. Their owners were either knocked to the ground or gripping onto unsteady objects, trying to dig their feet into the floor.

But there were no screams.

"Despite the chaos no one screamed, in fact it was eerily quite except the grinding and a series of bangs." Or something like that.

The only sound was the grinding, now a series of deafening bangs. They were so loud that the sound was almost muted to our ears.

my ears your character doesn't know how the others perceive the sound.


I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs, but my hand was trapped under something, and it wouldn’t move. Not feeling the pain I should have been feeling was even worse. It made me feel dead, senseless.

The ashes flying around made it had to breathe. My mouth felt choked, my throat dry.

Other way around. Throat chocked mouth dry

I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out. The most horrible, burning pain soared up my throat.

Find a better then soared

I couldn’t live like this. The pain was killing me. And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils. Making me heave in disgust.

awkward sounding reword

And slowly, wails filled my ears. Wails for it to stop. Wails for the pain to go away.

This is the second time something happened slowly.

Ok overall I think it's interesting but I don't think you gave enough information. Yes you should have the reader guessing, but not this much. You know nothing about the character. I don't even know if it's a boy or girl. Anyway really good.

I can't wait to see where your going with this. It's kinda good but you need to work on being more descriptive. Pretend your in your characters shoes. What would you do?

Okay here is a review for you....I think that you should add some more description. More detail you know. And another thing, try adding some of your personality into the characters alright? Other than that, it's all good. It's all good!!!!! I hope that you continue writing. Enjoy writing if it is what you like. all you have to do is add yourself into the story. Your own personality. Don't tire yourself out from thinking about personality. I only said that so i could add thud guy!!! thud byee and good luck

Thank you for all the helpful comments
I've put the next chapter up, and, if you're interested, reviews would be useful!

I don’t critique nicely. I show out every flaw possible. Think I’m being unreasonable? I’m letters on a screen, remember that, before you insult or plead against me. I have nothing against you, and in that sense, we’re both neutral on the topic and quite cordial. Understand? No? Well, let’s pretend you do.
Besides, this is me playing nice. So let’s improve that ... creation.

The explosion Oh no! Explosions! That’s not cliché and never seen at the start of pieces at all! Seriously, find something much more immense than “explosion”. happened So bland. I don’t like “happened” it adds no real tension or scene that I can place in my mind. This doesn’t mean you smatter it with purple prose-y lavender either, just smash the sentence out of it. Only use it in the dire of the situation. This isn’t dire, before you ask. at mid-day.I prefer it when midday is married, not separated by a period -- choice of opinion on that one though.

What would I do, you ask? I’d re-write the sentence altogether. I know this is the opening to your prose, and surely it doesn’t need that much fuss. Well, turns out it does. All great prose was written with a good opening. This doesn’t, ironically, explode into me. You tried, you failed. You’re bruised, you’re scarred, but you know not to step on that landmine again. Anyway, now to do the part I like; disagreeing with other reviewers!

The explosion happened at mid-day.

Get rid of "at". Its just an extra word, and makes the sentance longer than it should be.
Read this, and tell me if your advice is right. “The explosion happened midday”.

Anyway, back to you.

At first it was a lowLow, music wise is good. Low, writing wise is bad. Find something more ... intriguing. hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one Praise be for you know how “no one” is put together! And for once, I’m not being sarcastic. pointed out Now, I can assure you, that at some point, a child would have said “what’s that noise?” whether it was a child or a teen or a college student. There’s always one. And a low hum doesn’t go unnoticed. Rule 1 of Plots: Everything you input must make sense, and be as realistic as possible. This doesn’t mean write a documentary, it means write sense as well as interest. . It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding Hums don’t become grinding. Grinding is a twisted noise, while humming is a flat one. Perhaps drone, is more of something that you’re looking for. Or even turn it into short, loud bursts, if you want to., that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. DoI like “can”, rather than do. You are then using an easier question motive, rather than imperative implication. Which is downright irritating. you hear it too?

Hm. Odd. It’s not terrible, but it’s not what I’d call “bad” either. You’re running a rather tight shift with your limitations of vocabulary and description. From what I’m getting you are: “In a blank space, with a teacher who looks like nothing, and a weird noise. Now, this doesn’t mean describe every-single-thing-that-you-can-imagine. This means letting your mind flow a little more, and seeing beyond the white. So, the odd bit of description can’t help. You could even use a couple of comparative descriptions between the classroom and the noise. Which adds at least one dimension to your writing. Senses are important, but aren’t THAT important. Nice to see and smell things, but it can be at your disadvantage. If you have more interest on that subject, PM me about it.

The teacher’s expression became distracted Should’ve happened earlier. Judging safety records these days, they would’ve been out of the building by now ordered into lines. This is more of a general point and opinion than actually improving your story, so ignore this if you want. Oh, and distracted is more of a lightly perturbed phrase, at that stage, the average human would be experiencing either a) Curiosity and fear b) Fear c) Panic d) Annoyance or anger within ignorance. Think about PEOPLE, and think about SITUATIONS, and then think about REACTIONS. Importance about characters.. As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching. Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me. We didn’t feel fear, or even panic. Just confusion. No. You. Wouldn’t. You have some diabolical problems with emotions and reactions. Something you may want to investigate.What was that noise, Going for the short question effect? Then put a question mark there and not a comma. More air, more floatation. I don’t like being boxed in. and why was it bringing such silence with it?Paradoxical aura? Unfortunately, you just imploded that. You don’t use the paradox trick unless in a mixed metaphor, otherwise, it bogs you down. You use simple language, stick to simple tricks. This could include the comparative – a great and quick voice that can make your writing improve dramatically – or perhaps the obvious simile twist, which is where you can twist a metaphor into a simile. So, a short sentence becomes a longer one. Want more tricks, or confused by what I just said? Again, PM me.

[b]Unfortunately, I despised that paragraph. It needs to be rewritten in terms of description and realism. People don’t go “What’s that loud scraping noise?” when presented with – you guessed it – a loud scraping noise in an ordinary place like a classroom. Your grammar and punctuation are fine, but your language is too preteen. It’s the sort of thing I would expect in a teen fiction book, which is great if you’re aiming for that area. But not so great if you’re aiming to be a good writer. I suggest you read some real fiction, judging on this piece. I recommend The Girl on the Landing by Paul Torgay (may be Torday, can’t remember). It brings some psychological issues into the world of writing, without being too complex for the first time venture.

At that moment, everyone in the class was one person. My “this-I’ve-seen-before” senses are tingling! The enemies, bullies, nerds, book worms. You just fill the conformist in yourself there, unfortunately, in the real word, nobody is a bully, a nerd, or a bookworm. Which, might I add, is one word. Cut it out entirely, you could just use “my friends, my enemies, my colleagues” if you need to go for that listing. At that moment, our thoughts were together. We were one. You were a cliché.

Ick. I hate this paragraph, feels nasty and soppy. Again with the teen fiction, and this time I’m not going to bore you by ranting again (although great sense and great nonsense come out of ranting) but just say you’re doing the same thing. It’s not really nice unless you’re talking to a twelve year old. Aim for the tougher audiences, and you’ll get more credit.

A sudden Never use suddenly or smaller segments of the word itself! Never! Don’t do it! You’ll kill my literary side! It’s a horrid word, for horrid sentences. And it shows how little thought you have, like the phrase “at the end of the day”. force threw me off my chair. My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering To take it literally, it’s making a “splitting” mark in the floor? Well, if something has just burst outwards, surely the floor would already be ruptured enough. That, and I doubt a desk could make a crevice like that. Dents, maybe. Scars, no. crack on the floor. And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping. Their owners were either knocked to the ground or gripping onto unsteady objects, trying to dig their feet into the floor. If a sudden blast just shook the room, I doubt they would be hanging onto things, more likely that they would’ve been thrown against walls and so on.
Bit boring and predictable following the story.
But there were no screams. Deafened by the shock and in that sense of stasis? Ta-da! You’ve become a cliché!

The only sound was the grinding, now a series of deafening bangs. They were so loud that the sound was almost muted to our ears. Like how scorching sand feels cold on bare feet. Something that physics just can’t cope with.
Something that we can’t cope with.
I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs, but my hand was trapped under something, and it wouldn’t move. Not feeling the pain I should have been feeling was even worse. It made me feel dead, senseless.
My eyes began to sting. All I could see was a bright red sparks, flying everywhere. Towards the whiteboard, the fallen desks. Towards me.
I suddenly became aware of how hot it was. My back, pressed against the floor, felt like it was on fire. My legs, curled up close to my body, were suddenly unbearable to live with. I would have done anything for them to be cut off, separated from me. Anything for the pain to stop.
The ashes flying around made it had to breathe. My mouth felt choked, my throat dry. I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out. The most horrible, burning pain soared up my throat. I couldn’t live like this. The pain was killing me. And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils. Making me heave in disgust.
And slowly, wails filled my ears. Wails for it to stop. Wails for the pain to go away.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the destruction any more.
Not wanting to hear my screams.

This whole aftermath sequence feels very brittle, and I fear I’d just be repeating myself if I went on. This doesn’t mean that the entire section was terrible, it just means that you wouldn’t really be learning. I can just point out specific parts where it’s worst if you want me to.
You have three major problems in writing;
Viewpoint shift – may have been mentioned by another critic. There are three views of writing;
First Person: This is where you write through the eyes of the protagonist, which is what you’re trying to write here. In first person, you are in a CLOSED environment. You only know what the character knows, this means you cannot examine every single point of the environment or those around you. Nor can you hear or see through the others, which is what you were doing when “describing” (that’s in tags for a reason) the whispers between members of the class.
Third Person Closed: You’re writing in third person, but you again only know what the protagonist sees, and knows. This is more difficult than writing in the other two, as most people tend to stray from it and go into detail about everyone else thoughts, which is ...
Third Person Open: This is where you can tell every inch of the prose, from other characters thoughts to their views. Although, you still follow the general rule of all prose which is protagonists, if you don’t (which, truth be told I have seen) you sort of descend into a decadence of random sprawling of different people’s imagination. Which is good if you want to display your negligence, bad if you want to look halfway decent.
You tend to write in First Person Open, which doesn’t exist. Since it’s practically impossible to know everything that’s going on while human. – unless you fancy making their head implode? Because a person who could note that much in so little time, might just have too many senses.
Your next problem is that you like to warp me into a sense of nothing. You have very little imagery, and you don’t particularly swerve me in any direction. Imagery isn’t needed all the time, but you need more than

There was a teacher, and he looked distracted. And there was some ashes, and they fell around me.

. See where I’m coming from? While yours wasn’t written in such simple language as that, that’s all you’re saying. Imagery can be handicapped though, so don’t use it overly, as you’ll fall into your own little oblivion of lavender prose.
Finally, this entire piece as a whole was very fragile. Poke it and it’d shatter. This means you have no real depth and you don’t make me curious, if I tried to dive into it I’d break my arms. So, I suggest you need to look at using more advanced techniques. A good one is symbolism, often in relevance to a simple nursery rhyme or fairy tale can help you along. Which is, really where you should watch a film rather than a book; oddly. Hard Candy is the Little Red Riding Hood modern equivalent, but with the feminism implanted and the roles reversed. Watch it, even though it is a little adult theme.
I also thought the piece was too short, to be called a chapter. More of a prologue, if anything. Two pages isn’t even classed as a novella chapter, unfortunately.
On the plus side, you have potential. And I intend on helping you in any way, if you’re up for the suggestive comments. If you’re confused or are misunderstanding parts of this crit, then feel free to hit up my inbox or guestbook. Sometimes I confuse myself with my own criticism.

Its not bad at all, but I feel that your trying to describe something very dramatic, powerful and fast very slowly. For example, "A sudden force threw me off my chair". I feel this should really be sudden. However, I think the beginning and ending are excellent.