Young Writers Society

As we stepped into the bright, cobbled street from the alleyway, it was like old times. My feet felt lighter, and I could almost see the younger, more vulnerable me; walking along the streets that I had known like the back of my hand. It was a strange feeling, and gave me the sense I had very much matured since childhood. Mr Patterson’s Emporium of Reading Delights stood exposed on the surprisingly average street – Bookshops always dared to be different. It was exactly the same, after all those years.

We edged our way towards the doorstep, almost afraid that now we had completed our journey, toils and troubles along the way, we would succumb to a huge wave of doubt and fear to meet our treasure. Betsy looked overwhelmingly nervous, just as I felt. However casting all fears aside, I swung open the door revealing warmth and recognisable aromas which sucked me into the place. The strangely familiar creaking of the chipped wooden floorboards accompanied our entrance, and although it was no fanfare, it felt good to be there. The closest thing to home.

“Good morrow to you bonny ladies! Are you looking for anything in particular? We have some moving romantic novels that you two would love.” Sensing the awkward silence between us, he paused. “You two aren’t from ‘round here, are you?”

I found my voice. “Yes, well no, not really. It’s been a long while.”
“Undoubtedly.” Betsy mimicked my accent with a cheeky grin. It had certainly improved since the last time I had heard it.
“Well I never! Betsy and Cecelia Butcher, back from goodness knows where!” he chuckled. “And you, cheeky sod, haven’t changed since I saw you last.” Mr Patterson grinned, giving Betsy a pat on the shoulder.
We had talked and laughed and drank tea with him for a while. Then I thought it was time to leave. She obviously wasn’t there. “We should be going.” I said hurriedly. I felt we had quite overstayed our welcome.
“Oh, no! You are not quite ready! You have not met my wonderful shop assistant. Mary, bring her through.”
His wife appeared in the doorway behind the counter. She was certainly older, but as cheery as ever. Following after her came Maggie. She was pretty and jolly and completely as I had imagined she would be when she grew, but a dozen times better. Betsy and I had finally found her. Maggie was back with us.

Hey Kat, Good to see you on here!

cobbled street from the alleyway, it was like old times.

It was like old time, just seems slightly out of place, rephrasing it a little could help, if you would prefer not to I could tell you the same thing an English teacher you might know would say, "semi-colon!"

Mr Patterson’s Emporium of Reading Delights stood exposed on the surprisingly average street – Bookshops always dared to be different.

OK i can see what you're attempting but I think you went a bit too far away by saying 'bookshops dared to be different'. it's unnecessary.

We edged our way towards the doorstep, almost afraid that now we had completed our journey, toils and troubles along the way, we would succumb to a huge wave of doubt and fear to meet our treasure.

Nice sentence!!! 'Succumb' i didn't know you had that vocab in you!

Betsy looked overwhelmingly nervous, just as I felt.

I think overwhelming is best used in first person, its like 'i feel overwhelmed' you wouldn't know how Betsy was feeling as the other character, just change it to 'visibly' well not the best example but something like that.

“Good morrow to you bonny ladies! Are you looking for anything in particular? We have some moving romantic novels that you two would love.” Sensing the awkward silence between us, he paused. “You two aren’t from ‘round here, are you?”

Insert description here seriously just add in 'he cocked a brown trilby over one eye' or anything to add a bit of character onto the newly found character in your piece, even if you never see him again (or plan to kill him off) as a man in a bookshop, they end to have character, show it through his clothes.

We had talked and laughed and drank tea with him for a while. Then I thought it was time to leave.

OK the change in tense here is quite jumpy, I would expand on your meeting with him a little and find a more smooth transition.

OK nice, this could go somewhere if you make a few tweaks. The one thing that confused me is that you never explained your MC (main character) I didn't know how many people were in the group, took me quite a while to work out gender, simple things that could be corrected by the brush of a hand against long flowing hair, just explain a little better the group size and both you and Betsy's appearance because your writing style lends itself to being descriptive and it isn't. Plus bookstore, perfect place for a long passage of description. Dusty shelves, old tattered books, anything in that store, go right ahead and describe it!!!

Keep typing work up!!!


Miriam

As we stepped into the bright, cobbled street from the alleyway, it was like old times.

Ok, i know this is picky. Change the the "it was like" to "it felt just like" or something. I just notice that you put "it was like" a lot into the first draft (when it was in Besty's point of view- i cant remember the first draft in cecelia's) so if your using that content later then try to cut down on "it was like".

Wow that sounds confusing when you read it back.

Ella X

Hi Kat, just giving you a review.

Firstly I would just like to say that Mr Patterson's Emporium of Reading Delights, I know what you based this around but I think you should call it by its real name, Mrs Bs Emporium of Reading Delights. Mr Patterson sounds stale, like and old man rather than the magic and character that is Mr B's. This should also be in historic fiction as it is set in the past, not in the adventure forum.

As we stepped into the bright, cobbled street from the alleyway, it was like old times. My feet felt lighter, and I could almost see the younger, more vulnerable me; walking along the streets that I had known like the back of my hand.

As Ella has said before me change "it was like old times", that is in a literal context so change it to "it was JUST like old times"

It was a strange feeling, and gave me the sense I had very much matured since childhood.

Nice begining, but the olde style lauguage you use throughout the text is not present in this sentence. Try changing "it was a strange feeling" to "it was the strangest feeling" which is more commonly used in historical stories.

Mr Patterson’s Emporium of Reading Delights stood exposed on the surprisingly average street – Bookshops always dared to be different.

Bookshops always dare to be different? You seem to be talking in general but the sentence contradicts this. Bookshops always, suggests that all bookshops dared to be different but different from what? It is a contradiction in itself. I would put "The bookshop that dared to be different" instead, which suggests that Mr Patterson's is orginal and different, rather than all bookshops.

It was exactly the same, after all those years.

Again you need to be consitent with your style of writing. With this piece don't be afraid to be to posh because the story your writing needs that style. Just make the sentence above a little more elegant. For example "The bookshops appearence has seldom changed, all all those years"

We edged our way towards the doorstep, almost afraid that now we had completed our journey, toils and troubles along the way, we would succumb to a huge wave of doubt and fear to meet our treasure.

You need to seperate this sentence with a full stop or semi collon. Its so long and changes subject half way through. Maybe even rewrite this.

The strangely familiar creaking of the chipped wooden floorboards accompanied our entrance, and although it was no fanfare, it felt good to be there. The closest thing to home.

Firstly I LOVE this sentence, it is just what you need to portray throughout the whole piece. Well done! I know what I said about complaiments but this is perfect.

Good morrow to you bonny ladies! Are you looking for anything in particular? We have some moving romantic novels that you two would love.” Sensing the awkward silence between us, he paused. “You two aren’t from ‘round here, are you?”

This confused me because you didn't describe the mans apperance, location or voice you just leapt straight in and you change his style of dialogue halfway through.

"Good morrow to you bonny ladies!" this sentence is elequet, spoken by someone of fine literary skills and class, which is perfect for a bookshop but then...

"You two aren't fromg 'round her,are you?" we have gone from educated libarian to street vagragant.

I'm not going to anatate the rest as all the rules from above apply there. Just work on your sense if timing. You need to be consistent in that area (i do love that word, consistent) and your grammar needs a bit of work but otherwise this is a charming peice that could go somewhere. The biggest problem I have though is that I have no idea what they look like, describe their appearences and voices. The ending is a little rushed and non conclusive, tell us a little bit about Molly first, have a flash back. At the moment it just seems random.

Sorry for being so nit picky.

izzy

[quote="Katty_Wat"]As we stepped into the bright, cobbled street from the alleyway, it was like old times. quote]

Sorry to keep quoting but I do agree with the other guys....it should be changed to

'As we stepped into the bright, cobbled street from the alleyway, it was just like old times'

Other than that, I feel that this is a gripping piece and I will be looking forward to hearing more from you x

Hey its ella!

Ok, so this is my second review of this...but its not really a review.

I know your stuck with cw etc etc but you need to post some other stuff!!!

Also, i see a flaw in Betsey's story here.

Maggie goes with her sisters to America, where they meet Elijah and stuff, so how can she be back in Mr B's now? Maybe you should make Maggie not be on the ship, when Betsey and Cecilia are looking for her.

On a positive side, i think this is a lot cleaner and easier to read than the rest of Betsey's Story ( remember the pink highlighter? ) and so maybe you should try and incorperate this style within the rest of the book.

I think your leavcing the fanatsical side of the story out as well, correct me if wrong, and i think this will help clear the potline up.

Swimming AFTER school on wednesday

ella

x

One thing that struck me was how the shopkeeper started trying to sell them romance novels the moment they walked in. Usually shopkeepers don't do that. If someone's in a bookstore, they're going to buy books, so there's no need to try and sell them. A shopkeeper who does this would come across as pushy, and even insulting for making assumptions about what someone might like to read.

Just something to consider. Otherwise it was good.