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Molly



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53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1734
Reviews: 53
Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:33 pm
defendthelegend says...



Sky said hello to Sophie this morning it was the first time they had spoken in ages. They were best friends last year now look at them. They had, had a fight about who was whose best friend so I was told. I managed to stay best friends with both of them I can’t speak to one without the other one saying something. “Molly”, they had both said “why do you talk to her have you seen what she has done to me?” I would laugh they would tell me off. It’s not my fault they say exactly the same things as each other! They are born friends but they just don’t realize it.

It all happened yesterday when I was talking very nicely to Sky when Sophie comes along (she’s nice but a bit bold and big headed) and groans at me and Sky and walks off in a strop. It was the first time she had seen me with Sky since the argument. She wasn’t happy. But Sky was kind and said that she will get over soon and we will all be friends again. I sure hope Sky is right. I am really unhappy at the moment. It’s my birthday in two weeks I don’t know who to invite to my party. If I invite Sky and Sophie then Sophie will defiantly not go. If only what I am thinking will come true.

At break I started to think why Sophie hates Sky so much they have been best friends for a whole year. Sophie is now totally ignoring Sky and me so I sat next to Sky in maths. “What’s got into her?” Sky was saying to me. I was so deep in thought I wasn’t listening. Sky hadn’t been ignoring Sophie but just hadn’t been talking to her. I asked Sky if she could excuse me for a moment. I went up to Sophie who was talking to Charlotte and said “you know Sky is really worried about you.” She ignored that and said that I should get a life and stop hanging with Sky and that Sky could never be a good friend after what she had done. I was puzzled I asked Sophie “What had she done?” but all Sophie said was “its best that you don’t know but I warn you Molly that girl means trouble”. After that I was even more troubled I had to get to the bottom of this before it was too late. I thought to myself you know what Sophie’s like.

So after school, when Mum got home I told her all about my day as I normally do. I asked what I should do about my birthday. Mum told me to invite everyone I want to invite and if Sophie doesn’t want to go then maybe she’s not a true friend. I thought for a moment about Mum’s suggestion. It was Okay but I knew for certain that Sophie wouldn’t go. But just before I went ahead and agreed with Mum’s idea, I thought of my own one. I knew Mum would say no but it was worth a try.

So the next day at school I gave people their invitations. I was so pleased that Mum had agreed to my idea. But when Sophie entered the room she was in a grumpy mood but I still gave her, her invite. She took one look at me then Sky and threw it in the bin. I knew that would happen. So I confronted Sophie “Why did you chuck the invitation into the bin after all I am having two separate parties because of you.” Sophie stared at me for one minute before retrieving it. She smiled at me and walked off. It’s hard to tell what Sophie’s thinking when she’s like that. But she smiled at me and to me that was a start.

At break time Sophie came up to Sky and me and asked to speak to me in private. I was surprised and asked Sky if she minded she said that she didn’t. But I could tell by her face she really did. I was starting to feel a bit nervous because I hadn’t spoken to Sophie since this morning with the incident of the invitation. But I was relieved when Sophie told me that she didn’t want to discuss it now. But I was even more surprised when she invited me to her house tomorrow. I said that I couldn’t possibly go, but knowing what Sophie’s like she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

When I got home I started worrying about going to Sophie’s tomorrow, because I had made other plans, other plans that seemed more important to me now. Mum wasn’t sure that I should go tomorrow but I insisted but later regretted it. Later that night Sophie rung. She broke the news to me the news that would change my mind. By the end of the night I wanted to go to Sophie’s more than ever.

At school the next day I told Sky that I couldn’t go on the best friend’s tour with her because my mother had other plans. But for a change Sky was upset. She asked me if we were best friends. I replied “of course”. I didn’t dare tell her about seeing Sophie because she might muck it up and I might never know.

That afternoon I walked home with Sophie. She asked me what I was meant to be doing that night. She obviously heard me speaking to Sky. I didn’t reply and just kept walking on. She asked me again but mentioning Sky’s name. I knew she would find out one way or another so I told her about the best friends tour and how we were going to meet Take That and Rhianna. She was surprised and said that she was sorry that I couldn’t go but next time it was on I should take her instead. I told her that there would be no next time and after that we both walked on in silence. Then we arrived at her house. It was a small pretty cottage just on the outskirts of town. When we entered she took me to her bedroom and told me to wait there. I started to think about how pretty Sophie was it was so not fair. Although I preferred her with long hair she looked just as good with short hair.

She started to tell me about the evening of her birthday last year when Sky and I went to her house for a sleepover. She started telling me about the stuff that she and Sky did without me. I started to feel a little uneasy. She told me that she and Sky had played a game of hairdressers, and that Sky was the hairdresser. I was feeling upset now because she never let me do her hair. But I soon realised why.

She continued about her day telling me that later she went to Sky’s house. They had lots of fun. She said she couldn’t remember much more after that apart from telling Sky that she wanted to know what she looked like with short hair. Then what she said next made me really surprised. She told me that Sky disappeared a minute and the next thing she new was that her hair was short and a complete disgrace. She told me that’s why she never trusted people with her hair. I didn’t blame her but still it is so unlike Sky to do that I told Sophie. But Sophie said to me “ you don’t believe me do you anyway I knew you wouldn’t your just as stuck up as she is” and one minute later before I realised I was stranded outside on the street. I started to think could Sky had really done that if so why there must have been a reason she wouldn’t do it just like that. Anyway Sophie told me that it was a lat e Birthday present from her mum.

When I got home that evening I told mum everything. I was worried. I needed to speak to Sky urgently before school tomorrow. So I rang Sky that evening and questioned her about that day on march 5th last year. She had a slight worry in her voice, but spoke very passionately. I knew then instantly I had done something wrong. I realised that if I hadn’t have been with Sophie I would have been with Sky. I started to worry as Sky for the first time in my life shouted at me “it’s none of your business” and slamed down the phone.

After the phone call I couldn’t stop crying. What had I done? Sky will never speak to me again. I decided that I had gone so far so I needed to find out what changed Sky.

The next day at school I hung round with Sophie, and Sky hung round with Sarah. They both seemed happy. It seemed like it was only me that was upset. Then I remembered that Sky was meant to be coming round my house I was seriously dreading it.

At lunch Sky came up to me and Sophie and sat down on our table. I was pleased hoping everything would be alright. She started asking me what we should do when she comes round to my house. I shrugged. I knew it she was only sitting their to get at Sophie. She was hoping that Sophie would go off me. But Sophie butted in saying that she was going round my house today. I nodded in agreement and said that she was and that we were going to make clothes and play on the Sims. After I had said that Sky went of in a strop. Sophie told me that she could guess that Sky was going to do that. I thought that was odd because before Sophie used to get Sky’s emotions wrong all the time. I knew something was going on and I had to find out why.

That night I walked home with Sophie we were discussing our favourite soap. She liked corrie I liked Eastenders. Then when she got to my house we did exactly as I said we would do to Sky. When we had finished we were talking about boys. We both thought all the boys in our class were disgusting. After we had finished all that Sophie said that she had to go home. So she left me on my own.

About 5 minutes after she had left I heard a phone ring. I knew for a fact that the phone wasn’t mine because the ring tone was different. Then I realised that it was Sophie’s phone. I thought for a moment whether I should go round to her house and give it back to her. But I decided not to because after all I had primary evidence in my hand. I looked around to make sure there was no one around, which was a bit silly really because no one apart from me was home. So I carefully flicked up my phone and looked at her text message. It was from Sky. It read

Kep plyin ze gam cause we nearly won.
Molly such a baby gt rid ov hr quik.
Frm Sky xxxxxxxxxxxx
After reading that message 3 times I was horrified. So horrified that I didn’t think twice and texted her back. I wrote

It is Molly
I am not a baby why are you doing
this to me?
You’re horrible

After sending the message I was horrified with what I wrote. I shouldn’t have let her know I have Sophie’s phone. I can’t believe Sky did that to me. What’s got into her lately.

That night I cried a lot. I didn’t know what to do Mum said that it would sort itself out tomorrow. I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t.
  





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Thu Jul 16, 2009 5:09 pm
Lilicia says...



Hello!
This is a good start but I suggest you read over it. For now, it's very hard to read - the sentences are long and missing commas. This makes it quite difficult to stick to the general idea of the story, and once I'd read a few paragraphs my mind started to drift a bit... To catch your reader, try to make more suspense, more emotion. For example:
At break I started to think why Sophie hates Sky so much they have been best friends for a whole year

Maybe it would sound better like this:
At break I started to think why Sophie hated Sky so much - they've been best friends for a whole year.

Just by fixing minor things, your story could be very good!
Just one more thing:
If I invite Sky and Sophie then Sophie will defiantly not go.

Do you mean 'definitely'? :D
Apart from all that, this story's got potential and I want to know what happens next!!!
Keep writing :)
  





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Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:43 pm
BondGirl007 says...



Well, to start off I had a hard time reading this; the plot was not well defined, the characters were flat, and I didn't really like the main character.I also didn't feel like the way molly talked was very realistic, as with this line.
defendthelegend wrote:They had, had a fight about who was whose best friend so I was told.
That is not how many modern teenagers talk. (Granted I talk like that, but I am in no way "Normal") You do (as pointed out before me) need to use commas in many places in your story. Without commas, it makes it hard to read, and if it's hard to read- the person reading it will just get fed up. No matter how good the plot is, if it's hard to read, it's going to make people not want to read it. Try reading it outloud, it helps to find small things that you miss while just reading it to yourself. Like if the speech of one of your characters sounds a little off, or if you made a small mistake that was overlooked.




Kep plyin ze gam cause we nearly won.
Molly such a baby gt rid ov hr quik.
Frm Sky xxxxxxxxxxxx
After reading that message 3 times I was horrified. So horrified that I didn’t think twice and texted her back.
Now this texting is fine for the most part, although I would change the "Ze game" to "Da game" or just plain "The game", because "Ze" doesn't seem to fit. Also the "Ov" can be changed to "Of" it's easier.



After reading that message 3 times I was horrified. So horrified that I didn't think twice and texted her back. I wrote

It is Molly
I am not a baby why are you doing
this to me?
You’re horrible

After sending the message I was horrified with what I wrote.
You use "Horrified three times, very close together, and change the 3 to three.

I shouldn't have let her know I have Sky's phone.
Here you go from past to present tense.

Over all I would say try to add to the plot a little more, because it has potential to be a great story, with only a little tweaking. This (In my opinion) is the kind of story that is better, longer, as opposed to trying to fit all the information into only a few pages. And if you make it longer, you can go more in depth into the characters. Like What is Molly's situation? How old is she? Does she live with only her mom? If so, what happened to her dad?

Oh, I was also confused about how long ago the fight between Sky, and Sophie had been. At first I though it had been a few months, then as I read on, I got the impression that it had been only a few weeks, or even days.

That's about everything, you're a very good writer, and this is a good story, I do think it would do great, just a little longer though. I hope I helped! Keep writing!!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
  








Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
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