Young Writers Society

Prologue! I want to see if maybe you would be interested ina story like this! It's terrible, this prolouge, but review! I need somehelp!
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What happens when you’re too young to fight, but to old to cower…….?

Willa sat bolt upright in her bed, breathing heavily as if she just finished running a marathon, pools of her own sweat staining the bed underneath her.
Oh, it was just a dream……Willa sighed in relief.
But that dream…..That nightmare…..seemed so real! She shook her head, sending her ginger curls flying around her. All that blood…..the masked man…..her mother and father seemed so helpless, in no way was it a nightmare that you could laugh at after you awakened! But Willa would’ve fought that reckless masked man if she knew it was just a dream! But, of course, it was too real.
Willa groaned and positioned herself back to sleep. When her auburn curls touched the fabric of her pillow, she felt something damp and wet move against her exposed neck. Her panting halted at once. She slowly lifted her head and chewed on her lips in anxiety.
Her hand moved around to touch the back of her abruptly wet neck, and she moved her hand slowly in front of her face to see what the outlandish and heavy fluid was……and she shrieked. In the dim light of her room, Willa could see the brightness of the red blood that covered the palm of her hand. She gasped for air and she grew cross-eyed, a huge wave a nausea overtaking her small body.

Maybe it wasn’t just a dream………..

Right i did just write a review for this but my laptop crashed. Im sorry so im basically gonna give you the jist of it.
I believe this has potential but it needs a lot of sprucing and tidying up.
I would like to see this masked man detailed a little more in the prologue. So i believe you should try and build him up straight from the start to be a feared entity if you get me.
Also maybe describe a little of the dream just before she wakes up. Catch the reader straight from the get go with a gripping detailed dream scene filled with blah blah i could go on.
Basically, look back over this! Take out what doesn't fit! Add in what fits and will make impact!

Well it is just a small teaser for a story isn't it. I'm sorry to say that you didn't captivate me at all. It need more originality. Actually, It needs more of everything. There just needs to be more material there.

My suggestion is to find some other way to start this story. Starting a story with a dream has just been done too many times.

Hi, I'm OxfordandOnyx and I'll just be dropping in my little review (:

First off, why say your own work is 'terrible', say that and other won't bother reading it!

You have a thought provoking first line here which I like. However, as I read on I realised where you were going with this even before I had finished. The whole 'It's just a dream... Oh no it isn't' thing has been done too many times before and it's so over-used and unexciting! Try something else!

However, I do like you style of writing but you could with a little more description on the masked man. What kind of mask is it? Is the The Mask? Phantom of the Opera? Zorro's mask? Describe this and I think you will achieve a strong element of fear in you work!

Good luck and keep on writing!
OxfordandOnyx

I agree a little with GregPugn, but not to such a large degree. You went overboard on the ..... That is not needed... Try a few more descriptive words, and show us, instead of tell us. It has potential. I also think maybe you should start somewhere in the dream, as this lacks a little to much information.

First off good job grabbing the attention right away. Makes me wonder what's next, like is the masked man in her room or how is there blood everywhere?

Next, in the following sentence the to before old needs to be too.

What happens when you’re too young to fight, but to old to cower…….?

Instead of using ... maybe use hyphens because otherwise it seems to trail off instead of just a break in the sentence. Also I would suggest describing her dream better. Agreeing with the others tell us what he wore, who he was, what her parents were doing exactly and maybe a general description of the setting in the dream.

Oh, it was just a dream……Willa sighed in relief.

If this sentence is Willa's thoughts you could put it in italics instead of having it trail off to what she's doing.

All in all good start. Keep up the writing and the idea and give the reader a more emotional reason to care for the character.

-Narniafreak.

I liked this, how she thought it was a dream but it wasnt. I like that idea. But i almost did not read it. I cannot stand when people say their own work is terrible. If you think is terrible, make it better! But yeah, add more detail. Maybe describe the room more of give her more emotions. Other than that, great work!

It's terrible, this prolouge, but review! I need somehelp!

I'll say it again: Don't underestimate yourself.

What happens when you’re too young to fight, but to old to cower…….?

Interesting first line, and a good question.

Oh, it was just a dream……Willa sighed in relief.

Too many dots.

But that dream…..That nightmare…..seemed so real!

too many dots again, and it gets repetitive.

She slowly lifted her head and chewed on her lips in anxiety.

This gives me an idea of her actually trying to eat her own lips. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. I would change "chewed on" to "bit"

Her hand moved around to touch the back of her abruptly wet neck, and she moved her hand

Repetitive.

Maybe it wasn’t just a dream………..

Very good, but again, too many dots.

The only problem was the repetition and over usage of dots. I liked the way you portrayed her fear and insecurity. Keep on writing.