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Young Writers Society


Cruel Hoax



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Points: 1957
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Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:21 am
a_kittens_claws says...



Hello! I'm Sydney and I'm young and new here, only thirteen, but I'm not so new to writing, because i've been doing it since I was five! But, I'm probably terrible anyway. But, please critique! I love constuctive critisicm, I need it! :wink:

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Tanya opened her eyes to black. Pitch black, to be exact. She didn’t get unnerved, at first, thinking that maybe it was still nighttime, but soon, she noticed that the bed that was underneath her when she fell asleep, was no longer in attendance. Underneath the silk of her pajamas, all she felt was a solid, hard, and slightly sloping ground. Ice frosted in the core of her abdomen, as she feared where she could possibly be, and why she was there.
She slowly, and vigilantly got up, one part of her spine bending forward after the next.
Soon enough, her skull hit something hard and sharp, like the end of a rectangular table, and she silently suffered the pain it caused her, not wanting to gasp in pain, scared of what might happen if she did.
Tanya progressively made her way to a ninety degree angle with her feet stretched out in front of her, when she heard it. That dreadful ticking noise. Tick, tick, tick……is what she heard, if she did hear it correctly.
It wasn’t the sound of a clock. Much more sickening than a clock, that it made her woozy just listening to it.
She bit deep into her pink lips as she tried to undergo the sudden wave of nausea that had struck her. She’d heard of something like this happening before. Just, she thought she was too noble to ever that something, anything at all, like it happen to her.
Well, here’s too being lofty…..she thought to herself, and waiting for whatever occurred next to come, shutting her eyes securely.
One minute she waited, two minutes she waited, three, four, five minutes, sitting tensed waiting for something appalling to take place, which she was sure would take place.
By the seventh minute, she grew weary, drained from sitting there on edge of what would have been her bed if there were one under her. If something was going to happen, she was sure it would’ve happened by now, and anyways, her bottom couldn’t take the pressure from the hard ground any longer and her head was still throbbing from its unfortunate meet with whatever table was behind her.
She sighed, and got to her feet slowly, when she heard two little giggles from underneath the atrocious ticking sound. Her eyes darted around the room, but she saw of no one or anything truly. It was too dark. The two sniggers were replaced by a noise of hushing a bothersome child. Even though Tanya couldn’t see, two faces came into her lucid mind, one of a dark skinned, dark eyed boy, the other of a fair juvenile girl with luminous sapphire eyes. Two names that their parents didn’t give them also came into Tanya’s mind, but it’d be best not to repeat those words. The ice in her stomach swiftly melted.
Tanya crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently, as she heard another hushed voice speak, infuriated, “Look what you’ve done now, you little twerp!” the voice said huskily and Tanya figured it was meant to be inaudibly, but in silent room, other than that ticking noise, the speaker was quite thunderous.
“Claire, David, get out here.” Tanya said clearly with little tolerance of their ‘minor’ prank.
A light flipped on and Tanya shut her eyes from the sudden surge of pain due to the rapidity of the brightness.
When her vision cleared, she saw the two faces in her mind. Attempting to look intimidating to the two standing haughtily in front of her, Tanya loomed forward and narrowed her eyes.
Claire, an adolescent girl, barely eight, gave a sweet smile that usually Tanya gave in to, “Oh please, Tawny, it was just a joke!” she spoke in a saccharine voice, but Tanya’s eyes only narrowed into even slighter slits.
“First, Claire, I told you to stop calling me ‘Tawny’ because it means orange, and next what were you two thinking?” Tanya snapped, and Claire and David recoiled.
“See, I told you she’d get angry.” David feverishly muttered under his breath to Claire, and Claire shot him a sideways glance with her dazzling sapphire eyes.
“Yes, David, because you’re so sensible.” Tanya glared at him, “And where am I, anyway?” she asked, looking around the room as if she just noticed she was in it.
The room was filled of several bicycles, one of them very large with a colossal wagon behind it. There was also something looking like a work desk, used for woodwork, maybe, and a sharp-edged work bench that Tanya could see she hit her head on.
She rubbed her aching head, as if that bench reminded her of her soreness.
David gave a supercilious smile that didn’t exactly fit right on his face, and spoke as if it were a humorous story, “My garage.”
Tanya gaped. “How is that even possible?” she whispered to herself, “you live all the way down the street, for Pete’s sake!”
David glanced quickly over Tanya’s smile to where the mammoth bike and wagon were, and his arrogant smile didn’t wane.
“You’re a heavy sleeper.” He said as if he were choking back laughter. Tanya glared.
“Next query, what is that ticking sound!?” she shook her head, looking around for its whereabouts.
Claire giggled, pulling a tape recorder out of her pocket, “We heard you were paranoid about the kidnapper loose in this vicinity, so we thought you might want to hear his ‘signature’ sound.” She spoke as if it were something very generous of her to do, “I got the sound off of YouTube.” Tanya had to restrain herself from bonking them both on the head with the nearest baseball bat around, so she settled for sarcasm, “Oh, aren’t you two such marvelous friends?” she said in a wry tone of voice.
They nodded pompously, and Tanya couldn’t stifle the urge to hit them any longer, and she hit them both equally as hard on top of the head for playing such a cruel joke on her.
“That’s what you deserve.”

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That was most likely the worst story you've heard on here, but please review! :D
Did you steal my mayonaise? Oh well. I don't care. Mayo sucks anyway.

-Sydney:)
  





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Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:21 am
airbear320 says...



Hi Sydney! I'll be offering you just a few quick tips on your story.

First of all, I really liked the actual plot. I think it has a lot of potential to make a very scary, thriller type story. I kind of felt like you should have dragged the suspense out longer. She wakes in this dark room, no clue where she is, hears the ticking and yet she doesn't seem that scared by it. Make me feel the fear that she has to be feeling.

Also, there were a lot of sentences that just didn't make any sense.

Ice frosted in the core of her abdomen, as she feared where she could possibly be, and why she was there.


When I read this part I didn't understand it. I thought she was outside for a minute in the snow or something.

Just, she thought she was too noble to ever that something, anything at all, like it happen to her.


This sentence, I had to read it about five times to understand what you were trying to say. There are some words missing that would help it make more sense.

One thing I would suggest is printing your story off and reading it aloud. Reading it out loud can help you to catch things that you don't see when you're reading it on the computer screen, like missing words, sentences that don't make sense. Also it will help you find those sentences that don't make sense.

And then, I don't know if you just have a really great vocabulary or what, but you use quite a few big words in this piece. Saccharine, supercilious. . . They just don't seem like words that most adults use in real life, let alone eight year olds. Sometimes the thesarus is a tempting thing, but make sure the words you use to replace simpler ones are words that fit the story.

Well, that's about all. Just keep working at it and you'll have a great story on your hands. :)
"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."
-Gordon B. Hinckley
  





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Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:38 pm
Blackleaf. says...



Hi - im new to this
I really liked the beginning of this, it has great suspense.
I like the ticking sound idea, its good.
I think you could have dragged the ticking on for longer, make it more dramatic.
Apart from that, great! I cant wait to read the rest! :)
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Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:25 pm
emmylou1995 says...



I liked the plot line alot. I had the same problem that airbear320 did. I totally did not understand this sentance: Just, she thought she was too noble to ever that something, anything at all, like it happen to her.

it took me a few times to figure it out. If you change a couple words it will be great. Nice story.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.
  





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Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 am
asxz says...



I liked it; it was very good for a thirteen year old! I'm only 14, but I've already learn so much off of this site in less than a year!
Anyways: critcism. I don't really ge the relationship between the characters. I got the impression that she was older then them, but her mother knew them well. I think it would uncomplicate things a bit of you made them her age. Or else they are annoying younger cousins, but they are different races... very confusing. Maybe you could develop that aspect of the story a bit better?
One more thing; how on earth did they manage to drag her out of the house in the middle of the night without her parents noticing? that might take a little explaining...
But I ddi like it! Good work for a newby here on YWS!
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Tue Sep 29, 2009 9:31 am
Alec Laine says...



Here's a few things I noticed:

That dreadful ticking noise. Tick, tick, tick……is what she heard, if she did hear it correctly.

I don't like the last part, you could remove it.

Well, here’s too being lofty…..she thought to herself, and waiting for whatever occurred next to come, shutting her eyes securely.

I think you mean "to"

One minute she waited, two minutes she waited, three, four, five minutes, sitting tensed waiting for something appalling to take place, which she was sure would take place.

I like how you began the sentence, but it grows too long. You could remove the last part here, as well.

By the seventh minute, she grew weary, drained from sitting there on edge of what would have been her bed if there were one under her.

How does she know how many minutes have passed?

That was most likely the worst story you've heard on here, but please review! :D

Don't underestimate yourself like that, I would say that this is a very good prologue to what will most definitely become a very good story. I'm looking forward to reading more!
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.
  





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Tue Sep 29, 2009 10:56 am
Genevieve :P says...



Hey, I'm Gen, and I will be very happily reviewing your work for the next few minutes.

Now for some nit-picking...

Tanya opened her eyes to black.
I don't really like this opening line. I myself would prefer something like 'Tanya opened her eyes to see only black.' That's just me though, as I feel you can't really open your eyes to black, but open your eyes to see black. Not much of a difference, but do you catch my drift?

She slowly, and vigilantly got up, one part of her spine bending forward after the next.
I feel it should be something like; 'parts of her spine bent forward one at a time'. But that's just me.

Soon enough, her skull hit something hard and sharp, like the end of a rectangular table, and she silently suffered the pain it caused her, not wanting to gasp in pain, scared of what might happen if she did.
You repeated pain in one sentence. Get a thesaurus and try to substitute the word, by the way, great descriptive writing.

Tanya progressively made her way to a ninety degree angle with her feet stretched out in front of her, when she heard it. That dreadful ticking noise. Tick, tick, tick……is what she heard, if she did hear it correctly.
First of all; you've said 'heard' three times in two sentences, try to expand your vocabulary. Also I don't like the last part of the sentence; 'if she did hear it correctly', it just doesn't flow.

Much more sickening than a clock, that it made her woozy just listening to it.
I think 'that it' should be replaced by 'and it'.

One minute she waited, two minutes she waited, three, four, five minutes, sitting tensed waiting for something appalling to take place, which she was sure would take place.
It should be 'sitting tensed, waiting for something appalling to take place'. You have also repeated yourself again, with 'take place'. I think you could substitute 'which she was sure would take place' with 'which she was sure would', you don't have to add on 'to take place'.

Her eyes darted around the room, but she saw of no one or anything truly.
This just didn't fit properly in the sentence.

She rubbed her aching head, as if that bench reminded her of her soreness.
I don't like the word soreness, you should try something simple, like pain.

Tanya had to restrain herself from bonking them both on the head with the nearest baseball bat around, so she settled for sarcasm, “Oh, aren’t you two such marvelous friends?” she said in a wry tone of voice.
Just wondering, what kind of word is bonking?

Now for my comment...

Overall I liked your story, it had suspense and cliffhangers etc. But your very descriptive writing style took a little of the suspense away, I want to guess what she's feeling, not know everything. I love your vocabulary, but I feel a lot of your words are repeated in the same or next sentence. You could put more hints in and less clear description. It's a good story, but I'm still kind of wondering who David is? If you expanded more on the thoughts whizzing through her brain, rather than the noises she's hearing I think that would add a little more to the suspense. Nice horror story. :smt003

And if your still wondering, no, it wasn't the worst piece of writing I've ever read. That award goes to my writing. :wink:
Thanks to Kamas who drew my avvie


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