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Falling Darkness



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Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:34 pm
smurfXD says...



Falling Darkness

When Benji climbed on the boat Josie said, "Are we going to come back to watch out for more abalone hunters?" Benji replied, "We'll come back in four hours. I heard on the radio they're coming back at 9:00pm." Benji and Josie are twin siblings that live off the shore of Marinduque in the Philippines. "Josie, come here, I hear something or someone talking on the radio, or we've just crossed lines with someone else's telecommunication line." They picked up a whir sound on the radio and then some feedback and it sounded like someone was clicking on the radio speaker with a series of murmurs and groans. “That doesn't sound like abalone hunters." Josie said. “That sounds like...aliens" "Come on Josie…aliens?? That's rubbish. Come on, start up the boat, we've had our break, let's get back to watching for those abalone hunters."

They drove out near to the Philippine trench, stopped and waited for the hunters. Their navy blue boat camouflaged with the colour of the sea. "You think they're dealing with other foreign fishermen?" Josie asked. "I don't know. If they are, we're going to persecute them and they'll head to prison with a nice fine of $30,000." Josie asked, "Wow, what is that Benji?" She was pointing to a mysterious asteroid falling to the sea floor. It crashed with a loud muffled bang and the sea's temperature rose. "I'm going to take a closer look." said Benji, he took off his clothes and revealed a silver wet suit. He jumped in the water and swam with haste toward the fallen asteroid. "Oh my goodness, it's like nothing I've ever seen before." Benji said through his scuba helmet. He dived down, getting closer to it with each kick; he touched it with his two fingertips and yelled. "Benji, are you OK?" Josie asked whilst worrying. "Yeah I'm OK. The rock is just boiling hot that's all. I've seen enough. I'm coming back." replied Benji. He came up to the surface and swam towards the boat. He saw something in the water following him, so he swam faster, it still followed him, he swam even faster, but he knew it was going to keep on following him, so he power swam. "Benji, watch out!! It's gaining on you!!" Josie yelled. "Swim faster Benji!! Quickly get on the boat! Reach out and grab my hand!" Benji began reaching out while he was power-swimming. "Come on Benji! Reach out!" He was close to the boat already, but the dark blue figure in the water gained on him and opened its mouth, sharp teeth were almost biting his hand off, but he grabbed Josie's hand and climbed on the boat. Benji panted heavily while Josie held him in her arms.

They drove back to the house without a scratch and they stayed there for the rest of the night. The next morning while Josie was drinking coffee, looked over Benji's shoulder and was watching what he was writing on a piece of paper: 'On the deepest dive, at my limit, I was almost at the end of my breath when I felt a big rush in the water behind me. It felt like something big, like a person passing. But out in the corner of my eye I saw a blue shadow that blocked out the sun. I whirled around to see a huge mouth and an eye the size of a golf ball at me. The mouth opened. I saw massive pegs of teeth as it came towards me at a speed.' Then Josie interrupted, “Who are you telling this story to?”Benji replied, “What? I can't tell someone of my near-death experience?” Josie said sharply, “No! You can't! We didn't even know what that creature was!” Benji shouted, “I'm two minutes older than you, don't tell me how to run my life!” “I'm just saying we don't know what that creature was and we shouldn't be saying that there was alien creature that almost ate you to everyone we know!” Benji pointed at the TV.

A reporter was in the city reporting what is happening there, “Hello I'm Kamay Kamayakan, and I'm reporting to you from the city of Manila where asteroids from space are damaging the city--oh my goodness!! What is that? There appears to be a dark blue liquid with sharp teeth emerging from the inside of the asteroids and they are terrorizing the whole city, what the authorities have asked citizens to do is to get to safety and hide from these creatures, reinforces will deal with these extraterrestrials.” Benji turned the TV off. “Why can I tell people Josie? The whole of the Philippines knows about this invasion.” “I guess you could tell other people Benji.” Josie replied.

They drove to the Defense HQ of The Philippines. Benji introduced himself to the security guards and they gave both him and Josie access. “Hello, I'm Benjamin Abas, doctor of astronomy and I'm a marine biologist and this is my twin sister, Josie Abas, she's a doctor of Astronomy and Space. We are here to fix the problem of the asteroids and darkness’s.” The receptionist replied, “You may go in, they've been waiting for someone to come forward in suggesting plans for our salvation.”

“Hello ladies and gentlemen, you already know who I am. I am one of the people on Earth who have experienced a near-death by these darknesses. What Josie and I have found out is that the asteroid cannot touch the ozone layer; we believe that they are extraterrestrials' eggs; they want to take over Earth to build a new planet. They are getting through by going through holes of the ozone layer, we can stop this because we have both invented this mirror, point it directly to the sky for at least 10 minutes tops and it repairs the ozone layer by reflecting UVA ray particles to the ozone layer thus repairing it, I cannot explain more information furthermore because we are running out of time, but we both have experimented and it is successful and will work. The remaining darknesses die because they cannot escape and turn into good darknesses, in other words, night.” The audience applauded and they agreed to Josie and Benji that this plan will work, they built thousands of copies of the ozone repairer and they repaired the holes in the ozone layer of Earth and no more asteroids came through to Earth from space and the remaining darknesses wore off, died and turned into night.

The whole world thanked Josie and Benji for their plan and salvation by building a monument of both of them in every country. There were made the heroes of the Earth.
We can only hold so much pain inside of us that one day; it just all comes out in tears.
  





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Thu Oct 15, 2009 1:22 pm
lumpy_joe108 says...



Hey Smurf

I thought your story was quite engaging right from the start. I also liked its light-hearted feel, eg. ripping off clothes to reveal silver wetsuits and power swimming.

Perhaps the introduction of aliens in the first paragraph was a bit of an abrupt assumption. Some other parts also required my suspense of belief to be overstretched.

You also need to separate your work into more paragraphs, especially for every time a new person speaks.

Keep up the good work :)
  





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Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:42 pm
Earthfire713 says...



Hi Smurf!

lumpy_joe is right, you need to expand it into paragraphs every time someone new speaks.

Spoiler! :
“Hello I'm Kamay Kamayakan, and I'm reporting to you from the city of Manila where asteroids from space are damaging the city--oh my goodness!! What is that? There appears to be a dark blue liquid with sharp teeth emerging from the inside of the asteroids and they are terrorizing the whole city, what the authorities have asked citizens to do is to get to safety and hide from these creatures, reinforces will deal with these extraterrestrials.”


Could you please make it sound a lot more urgent, like the reporter was terrified for her life?

This story sounds interesting. Keep it up!
  








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