Young Writers Society

When Firecrow, arrived at the Taku Island meeting with Eve, Bulls Eye and Myakka, a sense of uneasiness was upon them. People stared at them as though they were devilish fiends and foes of the good. “Father, why are these people staring at us?” young Eve asked. “I do not know daughter yet these wandering eyes are a feeling if uncertainty.” Her father responded wanting to know the same thing. Myakka was the first to figure it out. Eve had in her hairpiece with three gems on it. A sign that war would surely follow to the Helion tribe yet to the Ankh this was a sign of royalty. “People know so little about there neighbors culture.” She said to her husband. Firecrow had understood his wife and had his daughter take off her hairpiece. Yet the seeming increasing eyes continued to give the family the same feeling. As they made their way up the palace stairway, a young girl fell to her knees in front of them begging her to forgive her. “Senor, Senora, tu hija femenino sustantivo suicidarse!” Which translated meant “sir, ma’am, your daughter will kill oneself!” Firecrow understood it, even though Myakka and Eve didn’t. “¿a quién te refieres? - ¿a mí?” Firecrow addressed to the little girl while smiling at his wife. “si” was the little girls response. “El tiempo lo dirá ha surgido algo” “adios!” “coloquial ¿y eso?;” Then the conversation between the Spaniard and firecrow ended when two guards brought the family inside the palace to their quarters. They unpacked and went down to eat a nice warm meal of hare, and corn. At dinner Myakka asked Firecrow what the girl said. Firecrow knew he couldn’t tell her the truth knowing that it would break her heart. “she wished us a good time inside the palace and to forgive her if the beds were not perfect. I asked her why she said this and she said that she was the one who made our beds and if they were not made perfectly she would be severely punished.” Myakka could tell he was lying but said nothing. She knew whatever the little girl had said it was going to harm her or hurt her feelings severely. She let the subject slip. ‘was her husband hiding something from her? was this message some sort of love message from the girl to him. Did something go wrong? Or was he telling the truth? Only time will tell, el tiempo lo dirá.



PS: I dont speak spanish, dont make any comments about it or in it

Hey, I'm going to critique your piece which is like the perfect length. Ha-ha. Anyways, yupp I'll find your mistakes
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When Firecrow, arrived at the Taku Island meeting with Eve, Bulls Eye and Myakka, a sense of uneasiness was upon them.

Absolutely no comma after Firecrow. But there is supposed to be a comma after Bulls Eye.

A sign that war would surely follow to the Helion tribe yet to the Ankh this was a sign of royalty.

Comma after tribe.

“People know so little about there neighbors culture.”

The there that you have signals a place, but if you use their it shows ownership. Neighbors owns something. What do they own? Culture. I can see the realization cross you face now [;

...Spaniard and firecrow ended when two guards brought the family inside the palace to their quarters.

I notice fro the beginning Firecrow is capitalized, it isn't in this sentence.

“she wished us a good time inside the palace and to forgive her if the beds were not perfect...

Capitalize she in this sentence!

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I recommend that you separate your dialogue from the rest of the story. That is, after all, how you're supposed to format it. Also, check online about punctuation of Spanish language and such. It'll help your piece if you researched.

Hi Blackwings. Firstly, paragraphs. It's so much easier to read when everything's set out nicely.

Great title. I saw it and straight away thought, now that sounds interesting.

What I think is the main problem with this piece, is you overload the reader's memory. You introduce four characters in the first sentence. Then you introduce two more names for the tribes; Helion and Ankh. Then there's the young girl. Put the Spanish on top of that, and it's pretty hard to process it all. To make matters worse, there is no character development or description, so the reader is left drowning in a sea of names without faces.

To remedy this, you really need to start from somewhere else where there are only a few main characters, and make sure you omit any unnecessary names. It's pointless giving the names of the tribes when we don't have an image or idea of the tribes to attach the names to.

Once you've fixed that up, you might also want to consider choosing a point of view and sticking to it. Take for example:

Firecrow knew he couldn’t tell her the truth knowing that it would break her heart.

Myakka could tell he was lying but said nothing.

As you can see, you've switched point of view from Firecrow to Myakka. The general rule with fiction is stick with one POV for a whole scene. Then you can change if you wish. If you float from person to person mid scene, it gets confusing and messy.

If you have any questions, I'd love to hear from you via PM.

I'm really sorry, but I couldn't finish reading your piece. The lack of proper paragraphs and the constant new names to keep track on made it impossible for me, and I'm still a pretty patient reader. You can't expect someone to not comment your spanish, what if it's the reader's native language? It would be only fair if you made sure your grammar in spanish is as good, if not better than that in english. After you've revised this piece, I'd be happy to review it more properly. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but this wasn't readable to me.

sounds like a really great beginning for a story, book, novel, or whatever you want to turn this work into. it needs a little work in the communications department. some of the parts were random and didn't fit in with the overall paragraph, but other than that it has a great amount of potential. keep writing!

I liked it. Well, it was okay. Good start but i think you need to add more. Describe the place they are. Show the reader more emotion. I connected a tiny bit with Myakka but not at all with firecrow. And, i am going to comment on the spanish, for those people reading your story that have no idea how to speak spanish(Ahem!) dont use it or explain what the girl and man say or something.
Good work but try to make it better.

I liked your story.I think you did very well,and i do speak Spanish and you did do very good. I think next time you should put a little more detail, but other than that you did very good.