Young Writers Society

I looked up in wonder like an astrologist gazing at the night sky. The feeling that had overcome me was indescribable; I could hear my heart rate monitor beeping uncontrollably, my breathing becoming staggered as though I had been running for miles. The tension building up inside, my hands gripping on to the bed so tightly you could almost see the flowing of blood through my veins. My eyes dilated, my head spinning, I was out of control. I had to get out.
I wrapped the hospital gown tightly around me I pulled out my UV drip and oxygen supply. I felt the effect almost immediately the air around me became stuffy and almost unbearable. But I had no other option, either die alone in a hospital bed or die fighting, die trying. I wasn’t weak I wasn’t one to give in but even I knew that with the extent of my injuries I wouldn’t get far. I needed help I had to let them know. I just needed to stay alive that long till I could find one of them.
I swung my legs off of the bed, I held my side I could hear the cracking in my ribs with each movement, I grimaced. My feet slowly lowered their way to the floor a jolt of shock went through me when they hit the cold hard surface. But just as I was preparing myself to stand the door began to push open. There was no way I could get back in bed in time I was too late, I had played my part, I had failed.

Hi there! First of all, welcome to YWS! I know that it was quite daunting when I first started, so if you have any questions please do PM me, or else head over to the Community area and post your question. If you haven't, do head on over to the Welcome Area to introduce yourself, and the greeter-people will help you out!
Second off, there's a 4:1 ratio - which means for every story you post you should review 4 pieces of work. It's OK for now, but make sure you review before you post anything else.

Generally, you need to look at your sentence structure. They can get a bit bland at times, so consider interspersing some commas and semi-colons to break up the longer ones a bit, like these ones:

I wrapped the hospital gown tightly around me I pulled out my UV drip and oxygen supply.

My suggestion: I wrapped the hospital gown tightly around me; I pulled out my UV drip, as well as the oxygen supply.

I felt the effect almost immediately the air around me became stuffy and almost unbearable.

I felt the effect almost immediately. The air around me became stuffy and virtually unbearable.

See? Well, welcome to YWS and keep working on this! It has some good potential, and as a possible prologue to something a bit longer I think this could really go somewhere.
~*cottonrulz*~

Hey! I like the way your story leaves us wondering what happened, and what is going to happen. you did a really good job with that. My suggestion would be to work on little things, like commas, periods, and transitions like 'and' or whatever. Here's my nit-picky review:

I looked up in wonder (Add a comma) like an astrologist gazing at the night sky. The feeling that had overcome me was indescribable; I could hear my heart rate monitor beeping uncontrollably, my breathing becoming staggered as though I had been running for miles. The tension (was) building up inside, (and) my hands (were) gripping on to the bed so tightly you could almost see the flowing of blood through my veins. My eyes dilated, my head spinning (You change from past to present tense. Stick to one), I was out of control. I had to get out.
I wrapped the hospital gown tightly around me (and then) I (You can delete the I) pulled out my UV drip and oxygen supply. I felt the effect almost immediately the air around me became stuffy and almost unbearable. But I had no other option, either die alone in a hospital bed or die fighting, die trying. I wasn’t weak (comma) I wasn’t one to give in (another comma) but even I knew that with the extent of my injuries I wouldn’t get far. I needed help (Comma) I had to let them know. I just needed to stay alive that long till I could find one of them.
I swung my legs off of the bed, I held my side I could hear the cracking in my ribs with each movement, I grimaced. My feet slowly lowered their way to the floor a jolt of shock went through me when they hit the cold hard surface. But just as I was preparing myself to stand the door began to push open. There was no way I could get back in bed in time I was too late, I had played my part, I had failed.

so basically, I really like where this is headed, so i'll keep my eye on it. I'm a complete newbie, so it's nice to see another newbie's work.