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Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:26 am
myintensity says...



Deeper into the dark corners of head I wandered and Athena’s face popped into my mind. What was it that made her so irresistible it was as if she could do anything to me and yet I would always be there slowly following. That could be a good thing but it somehow got extremely dangerous. She had me entranced in her and I had to find a way to let go of this beautiful being that was haunting my every movement. She had me under her control and I had fallen so fast I hadn’t paid attention to where I was headed.
Now I faced the task of figuring out how to get rid of this disease that ate away my heart. It’s true I was in love but I didn’t know if I could survive in her world. Athena wasn’t normal and I knew that, and I think I always did. The special feature whatever it was drew me closer and closer, and I had to solve the mystery behind her eyes. Supernatural and unexplainable was what I saw when I looked upon Athena, and I couldn’t forget about that. Somewhere in my tense body I felt the danger that approached me when I was next to her. The most important question now was whatever she was is she evil, and this question dwindled in the corners of my head for hours at a time. She seemed so good but right now I had seen so much and I didn’t know what to believe.
The heart wants strange things and she had chosen me, and I being somewhat of a loner and a misfit didn’t make sense. She was beautiful, and so perfect, but there was more than her outrageously amazing outside there was a quiet and secretive inside. Athena’s inner self was a puzzle that I was boggled about. I needed to figure it out before she faded away, and was lost forever. I had to save her regardless what became of me and I knew that now.
My name is Seth and I live in Frasier a small town. Things in Frasier are never exciting or special. We have normal stores, scenery, people, and schools. The people are generally kind, and we pretty much walk wherever we want. Since things are close together fancy transportation isn’t needed but most own cars. My school is close to my house so I walk everyday to school, and it doesn’t bother me because I love nature. Even though Frasier isn’t a big looker for beautiful things the atmosphere can be magical at moments.
I awoke to the nagging sound of my alarm clock buzzing, and quickly slammed the snooze button. My eyes slowly opened and I wiped them with my rough hands. I sat up in my bed and the darkness still fell upon Frasier. Looking around I thought about how my day was going to end up going and got up and walked into my bathroom.
The bathroom was rather small like my room and had been mine for as long as I could remember. My family and I had never really moved so people in Frasier knew me very well. Sometimes I wished for the sight of new people and new surroundings but life was average and I dealt with it. At my house it was me and my mom. My mom worked in medicine and I barley saw her at home. My dad had passed when I was very young and I didn’t remember him, and maybe that was for the best. I was an only child but even though I was alone at the house constantly I enjoyed the peace and quiet. At home I could think, paint, and write with no distractions.
Once I was out of my bathroom I went to my drawers and picked out a graphic T and a pair of pants draped over my bed post. My room smelt of old laundry, and solitude. I glanced over at my window again I noticed something out by a tree some kind of movement. I walked over to my blinds and moved them so I got a better view and saw nothing. I shrugged and the moment was forgotten. I finished getting ready for school grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.
As I closed the screen door behind me I heard a yell from inside my house. “Seth!” said my mom. I swiftly went back inside “what?” I asked. “I just wanted to let you know I will be gone for a week on business is that ok with you,” she asked. “Yea sure mom I am fine.” “Alright have a good day at school honey love you,” she said with a smile. “Bye,” I answered and resumed my walk to school.
I continued walking and got to the corner, and once I passed it my house disappeared from view. As I walked I stared at the nearby trees and the dimly lit sky. Hoping to arrive soon I looked up ahead at the front of my school a little bit away. 10 minutes later I reached the stairs up to my school and entered. I looked about the crowd and started for my first class it was on the third floor.
My school was called Frasier high and it had three floors. It was made up of lots of hallways and classrooms. I was an eleventh grader and that made most of my classes on the third floor so I got the great privilege of running of three flights of steps to get to my classes in the morning.
The main hallway was full of different stereotypes, and I never fitted in with any. I had one friend and his name was Jack, and although we hadn’t spent much time together this year we had been friends since third grade. There were many girls in the school but I had never really tried to have a real relationship with one. I had dated few girls but I didn’t really take notice in it. After all I was there for an education not a girlfriend.
As I scanned the groups for jack I couldn’t see him so I easily gave up and went straight to my classroom. It was room 312 and it was an English class. I loved English because I was able to express myself through writing, but my teacher ms. Roger never seemed to give enough assignments. She was so mellow and didn’t know how to take control over kids. She slumped over her desk and seemed to wear a frown always. I grabbed the handle to the door and entered. Of course I was the first one in and I sat in the sit and neatly took out my needed materials. Time passed and students started filling in the seats.
The bell finally rung and class was about to start. Ms roger took attendance, and wrote our work for the class period. My seat was in the corner at the far right and I had two empty seats next to me and 3 seats around me that were occupied. The kids seated by me were James, Rebecca, and Jane.
James was a real ladies man and was hot in “girls” terms. He had brown hair and dark brown eyes. He was muscular and tall, and every girls dream. He played almost all the sports in the school and always dressed well. He was very popular and people always seemed to care what he thought. What I wondered was if he thought at all, he was always to me the dumb jock in all those movies who broke all the girls hearts.
Rebecca was one of the prettiest girls in the school. She was known for her filled out body and her long locks of blonde hair. She was the cheerleader everyone dreamed about being but secretly hated. She had dated James but was to wild to be tamed and tied to one guy. This made her appeal even more to guys that wanted only one thing, and Rebecca mostly would give in to there wish.
Jane was like Rebecca’s slave, and I took pity on the girl many times. I would watch how she looked up to Rebecca’s perfect ways and dangerously attractive voice when she spoke. She was pretty but not more than Rebecca and that scared her. She had brown hair and chocolaty brown eyes. She was slender but didn’t have curves as big as Rebecca and the crowd they chased after noticed that.
I sat in class and tried to tune out the noisy chatter and flirting of James and Rebecca. Jane watched and studied as she tried to stay as much in the conversation as possible. Not once did they look at me or talk to me and frankly I preferred it that way. I had no desire to have useless conversation and try and score points of popularity.
15 minutes passed and I accomplished my work fast and without difficulty. I was proud of my paper and handed it in with ease. I wasn’t cocky but it was if the teacher wanted us to do nothing all class and it annoyed me. During the rest of class I usually read or drew, and I took out my book and sat down.
I had read 3 pages when I heard the door open and I glanced up without intensity. Standing by the door was the most ravishing and alluring creature I had ever seen. It was as if the gateway of hell had opened and in walked a gleaming angel. My stomach filled with butterflies and my throat burned like when you try to swallow all your tears. Her figure was slender but was balanced with great curves. Her body was fantastic but I could only stare into her soul searching eyes. They were blue and seemed to go on forever. Her long black hair glistened and fell on her back like the first snow of the season. I was unaware if my dumb founded expression on my face and quickly adjusted it.
The classroom fell silent and everyone’s eyes seemed to burn into her, and yet her confident and peaceful look remained. Ms. Roger stood up, and walked over to meet her. “You must be the new transfer student,” she said with a welcoming smile. The girl simply nodded. “Well you can have a seat right next to Seth,” she said pointing toward me. When I heard her name leave her lips my heart exploded. How could I stay cool and not act like a total fool sitting next to her. The girl glided to the seat next to me and seemed to not even move her feet. The other students whispered but I didn’t pay attention because she had me paralyzed. She sat down and looked ahead as if she had been there the whole time. “What is you name,” the teacher asked. “Athena,” she replied with a delicate yet sharp voice.
My eyes studied her features more and more. Her cheek bones more stunning and the rest of her face were perfectly symmetrical. Her hands were small and seemed to move as if they were moving to a tune. Her lips were glossy and pink and her legs seemed to go on and on.
She moved her arm and touched her hair making sure it was in place and as she did a smell of fresh flowers filled my nose, and made me close my eyes. She was like nothing I had ever seen, and it wasn’t just her beauty that drew me she was different and I could feel it.
I wasn’t the only one who had noticed her stunning outside though. Almost all the boys had turned there heads and stared at her since she arrived. I knew she wouldn’t notice me, and she would probably just add to the stupid group of preppy sluts in the school. Her life would construct of gossip, shopping, and cheerleader. I know I shouldn’t judge but I had seen it happen to so many innocent people change there ways to fit in and I was tired of it.
The rest of the class went on and people seemed to forget about the new kid in class, and she never seemed to look up. I casually glanced and tried to stay unnoticed by her. Minutes passed and I took out my notebook and began to sketch out my thoughts. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw her glance at my paper but I shook the thought at once. When it happened the second time I was sure she was staring at me, and I looked over to her. In that moment we stared into each others eyes and as we did her lips slowly spread into a small smile. “Hi,” she said with an angelic voice. Shaken by her voice I answered “hey.” “Nice picture,” she said with a mesmerizing tone. “Thank you, by the way my name is Seth and yours is Athena right?” “Yea, I just moved here from out of town,” she replied. “Oh, that must be tough adjusting to a new school.” “Well I guess but I am used to moving around a lot.” “So are”… Just as I spoke the bell interrupted our conversation.
Everyone bolted for the door but my attention stayed focus on Athena. She grabbed her bag and turned to leave. “See you later,” I yelled. She faced me for a heartbeat and smiled but then walked out the door. Desperate for one last look at her I ran out the door pushing and shoving as I went. Once in the hallway I looked at faces and noticed her slowly fading away in the busy crowd of people. Her long hair bouncing as she walked, and all I could do was stand in awe of her.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped around to the face of Jack. “Hey buddy what happened to you I thought you were in a trance.” “Oh sorry didn’t get much sleep last night,” I lied. “Oh well me and Kathy are going to the movies Saturday, are you up to it? Here comes Kathy I will talk to you later.” Before I could make a sound he disappeared. “Bye,” I answered frustrated. It was like as we grew older jack and I fell apart. Our interests had changed and nothing was really the same.
Running through the halls I tried frantically to reach my class, and in minutes I became successful. I stepped in and looked at the surroundings wondering if there was I chance I would see Athena in any more of my classes. My hopes were high but fell flat because I did not see for 6 more periods, and now it was 7th period and I was happy the day was almost over.
My mind ticked like a bomb how long would I have to drag myself through the day. I hated the feeling I got when at was at school it was as if I was in prison locked up for everyone’s amusements and pleasure. They would all look down on me like a criminal and judge me in seconds. I would cry out but no one would hear and if they did they simply ignored. I was a lost soul no one wanted to find and my depression and outlook on life only grew worse as I became older and gained more knowledge of its treachery.
Finally lunch arrived and I walked into the cafeteria glancing at familiar faces and empty shells of people. I walked to the far back of the room and made sure that I was alone. Jack and Kathy occasionally sat next to me but hadn’t in almost a week. I pretty much forgot about them and gave up on them sitting by me. Maybe it was because I was unpleasant but I felt so shut out, and I felt so under standards of people expectations of others. Who was I to change myself for others though, and I knew I couldn’t stop being different and being my self.
As I sat by myself I heard someone sit across from me, and I looked up anxiously. There sat Athena sparkling as if she came from inside the sun. She was so intimidating and I couldn’t figure out why.
“Hey stranger,” she said with a smile. “Can I sit here?” “Oh yea of course,” I answered. “Thanks,” she replied. “So how’s the rest of your day been going you like the school so far?” “Yea people have been pretty nice to me and I like my classes,” she said as she took a bite of her lunch. I smiled “that’s good.
The conversation went on and we discussed our interests in life, our hope, and goals. We also talked about the ugly color of the cafeteria and how the food tasted of rubber and plastic. Soon the bell rang and Athena and I went for the door. As we turned our separate ways we waved at each other.
It was then in my next class that I thought about how her name seemed so familiar. Athena, Athena, Athena; I said over and over trying to remember. Then it hit me Athena the Greek goddess. I knew I heard it before we had just started talking about Greece and its gods in history and I had been so fascinated by it all.
Quickly I tried to remember everything I had learned about the Greek goddess Athena. Her name Athena stood for the Greek goddess of Wisdom or War. She had many names and was also known for her ability to sew, and her compassion on mortals was great. She didn’t like war but if she had to fight she always gave it her all and tried to do the right thing in every circumstance. During a battle she would use her wisdom to strategize about what to do. She was Zeus favorite daughter and the only child that knew where he kept his lightning bolts, and other secrets he had never revealed. Before Athena was born he had eaten her mother so that she could not have her baby because he feared that she would have a son that would be more powerful than him and take over. Although he tried Athena found her way out and came out of his head, and she came out as not a baby but a young women probably 18 or 20. She was beautiful and powerful, and had a mind of a genius. Athena was known for being loving but was very independent and didn’t need a man in her life.
I pondered about Athena and her similarities to the Greek goddess. Soon I gave up on thinking and listened to the boring lecture my teacher was giving.
The end of the day soon came and I was finally free. I walked outside and headed for the bus. I looked at the ground and watched different colored shoes pass me by. As I looked I saw a pair of feet stop next to me and I turned to look up.
There was Athena staring at me like I had two heads. “What the heck are you doing,” she asked as she started to laugh. I blushed and answered ‘You know just staring at people’s feet.” “Oh that’s cool,” she replied. We laughed and as we did I noticed a brown bag she was carrying. It had brown leather and had but one picture on the front it was a white owl and looked as if it had been sewed on to the bag. “Nice bag,” I commented. “Thanks I made it myself,” she said triumphantly.
“Well I got to go to my bus so bye,” I said. “Bye,” she replied and smiled. We both went to our buses and soon couldn’t see each other. Randomly a memory popped into my mind and it was a memory from my history class.
“Listen up class pay attention this will be on your test this Friday on the Greek gods and goddesses,” Mrs. Peters yelled. “The Greek goddess Athena in an old picture holds a white owl and stands with robes and a shield. Often times they would make limestone statues of the gods to praise them or make temples named after them.”
I snapped out of the memory and thought about the information I had just obtained. Athena said she made the bag herself and it had the symbol of the owl just as the Greek goddess did. They both were beautiful and had this tough independent yet graceful feel to them. Then I remembered one more thing Athena was said to not fall in love because she didn’t need a man nor did she want one. At this I sank but then I released how crazy I really sounded. I was comparing a normal girl to being a methodical Greek goddess in my small high school. “Impossible,” I murmured.
The roar of the bus came to a stop and I got up and out of my ripped leathery seat. The door of the bus creaked and screeched and I walked down the tall steps into a cold rush of wind.
I continued walked and got a sudden urge to run and without another step I did. I ran towards my house and reached it out of breath and thirsty. I went through my pockets eagerly and tried to find my key. Suddenly my hand touched the coldness of the key and I fiddled it in the lock. My door swung open and I went inside forcing the door shut with my firm grasp on it.
Immediately I went to the fridge remembering that I had forgotten to eat at lunch today due to the new guest. I found a snack and walked to my room. I laid myself out on my bed and stared at the ceiling and I wondered what Athena was doing and if she was a Greek goddess.
Athena walked down the bus steps and outside into the cold. She looked up at the bus and watched it slowly move farther and farther away. Finally it was no longer in eye sight and she swiftly looked around searching for any sight of living beings. Seeing no one was around she jumped into the air and soon vanished.
Up in the sky she reached the huge yellow gates and wondered if her dad Zeus was angry with her. She knocked on the gate and the doors opened with a loud boom. She flew over to mount Olympus seeking out her father and finally found him checking up on his hidden stash of lightening bolts and other warrior tools.
“Hey daddy I wasn’t gone to long was I?” she asked. “No, but don’t forget Athena they are mortals and I don’t want you spending too much time they are nasty little creatures. If I had my way you wouldn’t be in contact but I only want to make you happy,” he answered. “I know thank you for giving me a chance to see what its like to live there and not all of them are bad you just need to give them a chance.” Athena said with a smile. “I met this boy his name is Seth he seems really nice.” “Don’t forget your independence no falling for boys don’t let these mortals change your rules about falling in love. The last thing I want to deal with is you getting your heart broken,” Zeus replied. “Don’t worry I wont I have promised myself after all I am a virgin goddess it’s in the rules I have no choice,” she said with a frown. “Listen Athena you always have a choice you can do anything you set your mind to. Have you not seen all the wars you won or all the heroes you helped? You are great warrior and an amazingly perfect daughter and I love you,” he said as he walked over and hugged Athena. “I love you to daddy,” She said.
Hours passed and Athena and Zeus talked more about her travel to earth and how different people acted down there. Athena had decided to stay a full year and just see the normal mortal high school experience. Athena had always been so drawn and captivated by there strange ways, and that night when she drifted off to sleep Seth’s face entered her mind.
Night lingered on and as it did I dreamed and dreamed. In my dream it was Athena and I side by side but we were not alone. We were in the sky and looking frantically around, and as we searched everywhere someone sneaked behind us. I heard a shuffle of feet and as I turned I saw Medusa standing there. As I looked up into her eyes I immediately turned to stone, and medusa looked at me and smiled. Athena screamed, and knew it was too late.
Medusa was once an alluring woman and she was going to be married but she was found worshipping in the temple of Athena. She was punished by Athena for violating her sacred temple and medusa had wanted revenge for as long as she could remember.
I woke up and sat upright in my bed I was sweating and jumpy. That dream was extremely vivid and it scared me. I didn’t know what the future held but as long as I faced it with Athena I realized I wasn’t scared.

To be continued


this is kinda a twisted gods and high school story. punctuations probably suck as always. :) enjoy

~myintensity~
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1813
Reviews: 15
Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:16 am
Amaryllis says...



I shall review this in blue.

Deeper into the dark corners of head I wandered, and Athena’s face popped into my mind. What was it that made her so irresistible Split into two separate sentences. it was as if she could do anything to me and yet I would always be there slowly following. That could be a good thing, but it somehow got extremely dangerous. Do you mean sometimes? She had me entranced with her and I had to find a way to let go of this beautiful being that was haunting my every movement. She had me under her control and I had fallen so fast I hadn’t paid attention to where I was headed.

Now I faced the task of figuring out how to get rid of this disease that ate away my heart. It’s true I was in love, but I didn’t know if I could survive in her world. Athena wasn’t normal and I knew that, and I think I always had. The special feature, whatever it was, drew me closer and closer, and I had to solve the mystery behind her eyes. Supernatural and unexplainable was what I saw when I looked upon Athena, and I couldn’t forget about that. Somewhere in my "tense" Is it necessary? body, I felt the danger that approached me whenever I was next to her. The most important question now was- What was she, and was she evil? This question dwindled in the corners of my head Do you mean mind? Heads don't have corners. for hours at a time. She seemed so good, but right now I had seen so much and I didn’t know what to believe. Hmm...I'm curious. What has the MC seen, and what has happened? :)

The heart wants strange things Split into two sentences here. she had chosen me, and I being somewhat of a loner and a misfit didn’t make sense. You don't make sense? I think you mean the reason she has chosen you doesn't make sense. She was beautiful, and so perfect, but there was more than her outrageously amazing outside there was a quiet and secretive inside. This sounds like Athena's a Mary Sue...my alarm bells are going off. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Athena’s inner self was a puzzle that I was boggled about. I needed to figure it out before she faded away, and was lost forever. I had to save her regardless what became of me and I knew that now.

My name is Seth, and I live in Frasier, a small town. Things in Frasier are never exciting or special. We have normal stores, scenery, people, and schools. The people are generally kind, and we pretty much walk wherever we want. Since things are close together fancy transportation What would fancy transportation entail? isn’t needed but most own cars. My school is close to my house so I walk everyday to school, and it doesn’t bother me because I love nature. Show, don't tell. Even though Frasier isn’t a big looker for beautiful things the atmosphere can be magical at moments.

I awoke to the nagging sound of my alarm clock buzzing, and quickly slammed With a verb like "slammed" the modifier "quickly" isn't needed. the snooze button. My eyes slowly opened and I wiped them with my rough hands. I sat up in my bed and the darkness still fell upon Frasier. When someone says "darkness falls", it is darkness happening to a place. If the darkness is already there, you should use different words. Looking around I thought about how my day was going to end up going and got up and walked into my bathroom.

The bathroom was rather small like my room and had been mine for as long as I could remember. My family and I had never really moved so people in Frasier knew me very well. Sometimes I wished for the sight of new people and new surroundings but life was average and I dealt with it. At my house it was me and my mom. My mom worked in medicine and I barley saw her at home. My dad had passed when I was very young and I didn’t remember him, and maybe that was for the best. I was an only child but even though I was alone at the house constantly I enjoyed the peace and quiet. At home I could think, paint, and write with no distractions.

Once I was out of my bathroom I went to my drawers and picked out a graphic T and a pair of pants draped over my bed post. My room smelt of old laundry, and solitude. ...What does solitude smell like...? I glanced over at my window again I noticed something out by a tree some kind of movement. I walked over to my blinds and moved them so I got a better view and saw nothing. I shrugged and the moment was forgotten. I finished getting ready for school grabbed my backpack and headed out the door. The last few paragraphs were infodumps, and had too much mundane info. If you want to keep your reader hooked, don't describe every mundane detail of your character's life.

As I closed the screen door behind me I heard a yell from inside my house. “Seth!” "said my mom." is not necessary. I swiftly went back inside “what?” I asked. “I just wanted to let you know I will be gone for a week on business Split sentence here. is that ok with you?” she asked. “Yea sure mom I am fine.” “Alright have a good day at school honey love you,” she said with a smile. “Bye,” I answered and resumed my walk to school.

I continued walking and got to the corner, and once I passed it my house disappeared from view. As I walked I stared at the nearby trees and the dimly lit sky. Hoping to arrive soon I looked up ahead at the front of my school a little bit away. 10 minutes later I reached the stairs up to my school and entered. I looked about the crowd and started for my first class it was on the third floor.

My school was called Frasier high and it had three floors. It was made up of lots of hallways and classrooms. I was an eleventh grader and that made most of my classes on the third floor so I got the great privilege of running of three flights of steps to get to my classes in the morning. More mundaneness...Just say Seth arrived at school. Don't decribe how he got there unless something interesting happened.


The main hallway was full of different stereotypes, and I never fitted in with any. I had one friend and his name was Jack, and although we hadn’t spent much time together this year we had been friends since third grade. There were many girls in the school but I had never really tried to have a real relationship with one. I had dated few girls but I didn’t really take notice in it. After all I was there for an education, not a girlfriend.

As I scanned the groups for jack, I couldn’t see him. so I easily gave up and went straight to my classroom. It was room 312 and it was an English class. I loved English because I was able to express myself through writing, but my teacher ms. Roger never seemed to give enough assignments. She was so mellow and didn’t know how to take control over kids. She slumped over her desk and seemed to wear a frown always. I grabbed the handle to the door and entered. Of course I was the first one in and I sat in the sit and neatly took out my needed materials. Time passed and students started filling in the seats.

The bell finally rung and class was about to start. Ms roger took attendance, and wrote our work for the class period. My seat was in the corner at the far right and I had two empty seats next to me and 3 seats around me that were occupied. The kids seated by me were James, Rebecca, and Jane. More mundaneness...


James was a real ladies man and was hot in “girls” terms. Don't say he's hot, just describe him and make him come across that way. He had brown hair and dark brown eyes. He was muscular and tall, and every girls dream. Not every girl dreams of a muscular tall guy with brown hair and eyes. Just sayin'. It's a little cliche to say that. He played almost all the sports in the school and always dressed well. He was very popular and people always seemed to care what he thought. I wondered if he used his brain at all. He seemed to me the dumb jock in all those movies who broke all the girls hearts.

Rebecca was one of the prettiest girls in the school. She was known for her filled out body Like, as in curvy? I'm a bit confused. and her long locks of blonde hair. She was the cheerleader everyone dreamed about being but secretly hated. Stereotype... She had dated James but was too wild to be tamed and refused to be tied to one guy. This made her appeal even more to guys that wanted only one thing, and Rebecca would most likely give in to their wish.

Jane was like Rebecca’s slave, and I took pity on the girl "many times"- Not necessary. I would watch how she looked up to Rebecca’s perfect ways and dangerously attractive voice when she spoke. She was pretty but not more than Rebecca and that scared her. She had brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. She was slender but didn’t have curves as big as Rebecca and the crowd they chased after noticed that.

These characters are all kind of cardboard...and they are all stereotypes. You should make them more individual and interesting. Give them quirks. Try finding a character questionnaire and running them through that.


I sat in class and tried to tune out the noisy chatter and the flirting of James and Rebecca. Jane watched and studied as she tried to stay as much in the conversation as possible. Not once did they look at me or talk to me, and frankly I preferred it that way. I had no desire to have useless conversation and try and score points of popularity.

15 minutes passed and I accomplished my work fast and without difficulty. I was proud of my paper and handed it in with ease. I wasn’t cocky but it was if the teacher wanted us to do nothing all class and it annoyed me. During the rest of class I usually read or drew, and I took out my book and sat down. Mundane and unnecessary.

I had read 3 pages when I heard the door open and I glanced up without intensity. Standing by the door was the most ravishing and alluring creature I had ever seen. It was as if the gateway of hell had opened and in walked a gleaming angel. My stomach filled with butterflies and my throat burned like when you try to swallow all your tears. Her figure was slender but was balanced with great curves. Her body was fantastic but I could only stare into her soul searching eyes. They were blue and seemed to go on forever. Her long black hair glistened and fell on her back like the first snow of the season. Isn't snow white? I grew aware of my dumbfounded expression and quickly adjusted it. Your characters shouldn't be abonormally gorgeous unless this is going to be a fatal flaw in some way. It makes them seem unrealistic if they're just amazing looking for the hell of it.

The classroom fell silent and everyone’s eyes seemed to burn into her, and yet her confident and peaceful look remained. Run-on. Ms. Roger stood up, and walked over to meet her. “You must be the new transfer student,” she said with a welcoming smile. The girl simply nodded. Make a new paragraph after when someone says something. “Well, you can have a seat right next to Seth,” she said, pointing toward me. When I heard her name leave her lips my heart exploded. How could I stay cool and not act like a total fool sitting next to her? The girl glided to the seat next to me and seemed to not even move her feet. The other students whispered but I didn’t pay attention because she had me paralyzed. She sat down and looked ahead as if she had been there the whole time. “What is you name,” the teacher asked. “Athena,” she replied with a delicate yet sharp voice.

My eyes studied her features more and more. Her cheek bones more stunning and the rest of her face were perfectly symmetrical. Her hands were small and seemed to move as if they were moving to a tune. Her lips were glossy and pink and her legs seemed to go on and on.

She moved her arm and touched her hair making sure it was in place and as she did a smell of fresh flowers filled my nose, and made me close my eyes. She was like nothing I had ever seen, and it wasn’t just her beauty that drew me she was different and I could feel it. More super-prettyness...make her seem beautiful to Seth, but in interesting, legitimate ways.

I wasn’t the only one who had noticed her stunning outside, though. Almost all the boys had turned there heads and stared at her since she arrived. I knew she wouldn’t notice me, and she would probably just add to the stupid group of preppy sluts in the school. Her life would construct of gossip, shopping, and cheerleader. I knew I shouldn’t judge but I had seen it happen to so many Split sentence here. innocent people change there ways to fit in and I was tired of it.

The rest of the class went on and people seemed to forget about the new kid in class, and she never seemed to look up. I casually glanced at her, hoping she wouldn't notice. Minutes passed and I took out my notebook and began to sketch out my thoughts. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw her glance at my paper but I shook the thought at once. When it happened the second time I was sure she was staring at me, and I looked over to her. In that moment we stared into each others eyes and as we did her lips slowly spread into a small smile. “Hi,” she said with an angelic voice. Shaken by her voice I answered “hey.” “Nice picture,” she said with a mesmerizing tone. “Thank you, by the way my name is Seth and yours is Athena right?” “Yea, I just moved here from out of town,” she replied. “Oh, that must be tough adjusting to a new school.” “Well I guess but I am used to moving around a lot.” “So are”… Just as I spoke the bell interrupted our conversation. Small talk-also mundane. They can have small talk, but cut it down. How about having her begin to speak to him, but have the bell cut her off before Seth can say anything?


Everyone bolted for the door but my attention stayed focused on Athena. She grabbed her bag and turned to leave. “See you later,” I yelled. She faced me for a heartbeat and smiled but then walked out the door. Desperate for one last look at her I ran out the door pushing and shoving as I went. Once in the hallway I looked at faces and noticed her slowly fading away in the busy crowd of people. Her long hair bouncing as she walked, and all I could do was stand in awe of her.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped around to the face of Jack. “Hey buddy what happened to you I thought you were in a trance.” “Oh sorry didn’t get much sleep last night,” I lied. “Oh well me and Kathy are going to the movies Saturday, are you up to it? Here comes Kathy I will talk to you later.” Before I could make a sound he disappeared. “Bye,” I answered frustrated. It was like as we grew older jack and I fell apart. Our interests had changed and nothing was really the same. This sentence doesn't really feel like it fits with the dialogue before it.

Running through the halls I tried frantically to reach my class, and in minutes I became successful. I stepped in and looked at the surroundings, wondering if there was I chance I would see Athena in any more of my classes. My hopes were high but fell flat because I did not see for 6 more periods, and now it was 7th period and I was happy the day was almost over.

My mind ticked like a bomb how long would I have to drag myself through the day. I hated the feeling I got when at was at school Split sentence. it was as if I was in prison locked up for everyone’s amusements and pleasure. They would all look down on me like a criminal and judge me in seconds. I would cry out but no one would hear and if they did they simply ignored. I was a lost soul no one wanted to find and my depression and outlook on life only grew worse as I became older and gained more knowledge of its treachery. This sounds like something out of an emo song. It's a bit irrelevant to the story.


Finally lunch arrived (after seven periods? How many periods does this school have?) and I walked into the cafeteria glancing at familiar faces and empty shells of people. I walked to the far back of the room and made sure that I was alone. Jack and Kathy occasionally sat next to me but hadn’t in almost a week. I pretty much forgot about them and gave up on them sitting by me. Maybe it was because I was unpleasant but I felt so shut out, and I felt so under standards of people expectations of others. Who was I to change myself for others though, and I knew I couldn’t stop being different and being my self.

As I sat by myself I heard someone sit across from me, and I looked up anxiously. There sat Athena sparkling as if she came from inside the sun. Like Edward Cullen? Sorry, when you mention sparkling I have to say that. Most of the time, people don't sparkle. She was so intimidating and I couldn’t figure out why.

“Hey stranger,” she said with a smile. “Can I sit here?” “Oh yea of course,” I answered. “Thanks,” she replied. “So how’s the rest of your day been going you like the school so far?” “Yea people have been pretty nice to me and I like my classes,” she said as she took a bite of her lunch. I smiled “that’s good.

The conversation went on and we discussed our interests in life, our hope, and goals. We also talked about the ugly color of the cafeteria and how the food tasted of rubber and plastic. Soon the bell rang and Athena and I went for the door. As we turned our separate ways we waved at each other. Mundane again.

It was then in my next class that I thought about how her name seemed so familiar. Athena, Athena, Athena; I said over and over trying to remember. Then it hit me Athena the Greek goddess. I knew I heard it before we had just started talking about Greece and its gods in history and I had been so fascinated by it all.

Quickly I tried to remember everything I had learned about the Greek goddess Athena. Her name Athena stood for the Greek goddess of Wisdom or War. She had many names and was also known for her ability to sew, and her compassion on mortals was great. She didn’t like war but if she had to fight she always gave it her all and tried to do the right thing in every circumstance. During a battle she would use her wisdom to strategize about what to do. She was Zeus favorite daughter and the only child that knew where he kept his lightning bolts, and other secrets he had never revealed. Before Athena was born he had eaten her mother so that she could not have her baby because he feared that she would have a son that would be more powerful than him and take over. Although he tried Athena found her way out and came out of his head, and she came out as not a baby but a young women probably 18 or 20. She was beautiful and powerful, and had a mind of a genius. Athena was known for being loving but was very independent and didn’t need a man in her life. Infodump...try to say this information, if it is actually needed, in short bursts throughout the story instead of one big paragraph.

I pondered about Athena and her similarities to the Greek goddess. Soon I gave up on thinking and listened to the boring lecture my teacher was giving. What's the point of this paragraph?

The end of the day soon came and I was finally free. I walked outside and headed for the bus. I looked at the ground and watched different colored shoes pass me by. As I looked I saw a pair of feet stop next to me and I turned to look up.

There was Athena staring at me like I had two heads. “What the heck are you doing,” she asked as she started to laugh. I blushed and answered ‘You know just staring at people’s feet.” “Oh that’s cool,” she replied. We laughed and as we did I noticed a brown bag she was carrying. It had brown leather and had a picture of a white owl sewed onto it. “Nice bag,” I commented. “Thanks I made it myself,” she said triumphantly.

Well I have to go to my bus, so bye,” I said. “Bye,” she replied and smiled. We both went to our buses and soon couldn’t see each other. A memory randomly popped into my mind from my history class.

“Listen up class pay attention (redundant) this will be on your test this Friday on the Greek gods and goddesses,” Mrs. Peters yelled. “The Greek goddess Athena in an old picture holds a white owl and stands with robes and a shield. Often times they would make limestone statues of the gods to praise them or make temples named after them.”

I snapped out of the memory and thought about the information I had just obtained. Athena said she made the bag herself and it had the symbol of the owl just as the Greek goddess did. They both were beautiful and had this tough independent yet graceful feel to them. Then I remembered one more thing Athena was said to not fall in love because she didn’t need a man nor did she want one. At this I sank but then I released how crazy I really sounded. I was comparing a normal girl to being a methodical Greek goddess in my small high school. “Impossible,” I murmured.

The roar of the bus came to a stop and I got up and out of my ripped leathery seat. I liked the description of the seat. The door of the bus creaked and screeched and I walked down the tall steps into a cold rush of wind.

I continued walked and got a sudden urge to run "and without another step I did." Not necessary. I ran towards my house and reached it out of breath and thirsty. I went through my pockets eagerly and tried to find my key. Suddenly my hand touched the coldness of the key and I fiddled it in the lock. My door swung open and I went inside forcing the door shut with my firm grasp on it.

Immediately I went to the fridge remembering that I had forgotten to eat at lunch today due to the new guest. I found a snack and walked to my room. I laid myself out on my bed and stared at the ceiling and I wondered what Athena was doing and if she was a Greek goddess. Mundaneness.

Athena walked down the bus steps and outside into the cold. POV change? You should make it more obvious, put an extra space between this paragraph and the one before it. She looked up at the bus and watched it slowly move farther and farther away. Finally it was no longer in eye sight and she swiftly looked around searching for any sight of living beings. Seeing no one was around she jumped into the air and soon vanished.

Up in the sky she reached the huge yellow gates and wondered if her father (sounds more diginified, like a goddess would be) Zeus was angry with her. She knocked on the gate and the doors opened with a loud boom. She flew over to mount Olympus seeking out her father and finally found him checking up on his hidden stash of lightning bolts and other warrior tools.

“Hey daddy I wasn’t gone to long was I?” she asked. “No, but don’t forget Athena they are mortals and I don’t want you spending too much time they are nasty little creatures. If I had my way you wouldn’t be in contact but I only want to make you happy,” he answered. “I know thank you for giving me a chance to see what its like to live there and not all of them are bad you just need to give them a chance.” Athena said with a smile. “I met this boy his name is Seth he seems really nice.” “Don’t forget your independence no falling for boys don’t let these mortals change your rules about falling in love. The last thing I want to deal with is you getting your heart broken,” Zeus replied. “Don’t worry I wont I have promised myself after all I am a virgin goddess it’s in the rules I have no choice,” she said with a frown. “Listen Athena you always have a choice you can do anything you set your mind to. Have you not seen all the wars you won or all the heroes you helped? You are great warrior and an amazingly perfect daughter and I love you,” he said as he walked over and hugged Athena. “I love you to daddy,” She said. Make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks!!!

Hours passed and Athena and Zeus talked more about her travel to earth and how different people acted down there. Athena had decided to stay a full year and just see the normal mortal high school experience. Athena had always been so drawn and captivated by there strange ways, and that night when she drifted off to sleep Seth’s face entered her mind.

Night lingered on and as it did I dreamed and dreamed. POV change again...what I said before. In my dream it was Athena and I side by side but we were not alone. We were in the sky and looking frantically around, and as we searched everywhere someone sneaked behind us. I heard a shuffle of feet and as I turned I saw Medusa standing there. As I looked up into her eyes I immediately turned to stone, and Medusa looked at me and smiled. Athena screamed, and knew it was too late. How could Seth know she knew something if it was Seth's POV?


Medusa was once an alluring woman and she was going to be married but she was found worshipping in the temple of Athena. She was punished by Athena for violating her sacred temple and medusa had wanted revenge for as long as she could remember. Infodump, not needed.

I woke up and sat upright in my bed Two separate sentences. I was sweating and jumpy. That dream was extremely vivid and it scared me. I didn’t know what the future held but as long as I faced it with Athena I realized I wasn’t scared.


Meh...this was all right, but it was a little slow because of the mundane stuff. I can see now what the conflict is, but you should make it more than just a broken heart if it is to do with things like gods and goddesses. Also, the dialogue was trite and a lot of it was just small talk.

Grammarwise, you should brush up on how to use punctuation, because I had to fix a lot of it. Also, like I said earlier, every time someone new speaks, make a new paragraph.

Overall, it needs work. You should definitely take a second look at this and revise it.

~Ryllie
"It's my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 193
Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:56 am
Lydia1995 says...



Hello,

I like the idea for the story although I thought it dragged a bit because of the every day mundane human stuff.

My one major problem with it, is the lack of commas... I would have suffocated had I been reading some sentences aloud because you didn't give me a chance to breath. You should read it aloud back to yourself and you'll see where the pauses naturally fall. Also there where a lot of mistakes in this (typos) which could be easily corrected with a quick proofread.

Other than this its a good story with a lot of potential, just proof read and edit and it will make reading it a lot more enjoyable.

:D Keep Writing
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?
  








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