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A piece from "For your consideration"



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Gender: Male
Points: 2313
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Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:29 am
efrainhernandez says...



Here is a very short piece from my work in progress. The story follows a high school senior who is attempting to make up four years of lost opportunity with a series of outrageous activities that he hopes will earn him a "legendary" status. Meanwhile his drop-out best friend is helping him work on a graduation prank that will just as equally become "legendary" and if not anything else more "infamous". I hope you enjoy my little snippet. I should be done with my story by the coming month. -EH

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From "For your consideration"
Written by Efrain Hernandez

Leigh chased the footsteps ahead of him in pursuit of an escalating raucous. He swung his body around the corner and bolted up the stairwell, shadowing several other bodies who take three steps at a time. The noise pounded louder against his ears and consequentially excited him with every passing second. Bursting through the second floor doors, the group were immediately assimilated into a collision of crowding high school students. The noise was fantastic in the hallway. Leigh struggled to continue tailing but the shoulders crashing against his collar bone push him back out. He looked at where the crowd is going. Every single soul was buzzing with uproar and were pushing towards the cafeteria ahead. Seeing how the entrance was already beginning to stiffen with a blockade of backpacks and compacted bodies bottle-necking into the two door entrance, he wasted no time in pushing back into the crowd towards the stairwell again. He noticed a girl squeeze past the traffic holding a cupped hand over her forehead with a hot, wet face. He finally saw a dark red gash on her that was pooling blood between her fingers before climbing up another flight of stairs.
The third floor was quieter but heat from the activity below had traveled upwards filling this hallway with an uncomfortable musk. Leigh settled with another cafeteria entrance that led to the catwalk. He braced himself and entered an arena of chaos and uproar. Traveling across the catwalk he was able to see the cafeteria below and with it a grin stretched wildly across his face.
The cafeteria was being destroyed. A massive brawl of food and blood was ruining the newly polished floors and equally damaging the tables and chairs. Bodies struck each other and were sometimes equipped with trays and plates. Some students had managed to escape but others were unsuccessful in their attempt as they were thrown back into the fight by the oncoming audiences. The students who tried to get the closest seat tried their hardest not to get caught inwards. They all had the same dazzling and horrified faces. Fists smashed against heads and their knuckles were crackling white with every touch.
Leigh stood over the railing and watched, observing every moment in perfect detail. His eyes were ablaze with a thirst for more action since that was all that he had left.
"Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est."

~ To great talents no era is closed.----Seneca

ɪ́f áj wəz ə lɔ́jər áj wʊ́d ɑ́rgju fɔ́r ðə rájt tú kɪ́s jú pǽʃənətli!
  





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Thu Feb 18, 2010 3:18 am
Misamiera says...



First of all, very cool story.

Now, onto the review. You have good grammar and a knack for action scenes. I don't know if I've ever written something that exciting. The only thing I'd say you need to improve on is probably your sentence variety. Most of your sentences are subject-verb sentences. I would probably work on more variety, since variety adds flavor to your writing. Good job, though. Your excerpt certainly makes me want to read more.
  





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Sun Feb 21, 2010 1:10 am
PenNPaper says...



Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
the shoulders crashing against his collar bone push him back out

This doesn't flow too smoothly, perhaps say 'the shoulders crashing against his collar bone was pushing him back out'?
He looked at where the crowd is going

This is supposed to be in past tense, so 'was' instead of 'is'.
Every single soul was buzzing with uproar and were pushing towards the cafeteria ahead

You used the word 'was' then used 'were', please be consistent, use the word 'was'.
Okay, this doesn't seem to be the beginning of the story, I know it is part of your whole story.
I liked this, you know how to describe your actions and settings well. Just remember your past tense as I have corrected above.

Good luck and keep writing, bye for now! :D
Writing is all about imagination~
  





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Gender: Male
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Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:10 am
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efrainhernandez says...



Thanks to you both! Sure, there are some grammar issues. I thought I had worked out the kinks but I'm going to go through the first chapter again just to make sure.
"Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est."

~ To great talents no era is closed.----Seneca

ɪ́f áj wəz ə lɔ́jər áj wʊ́d ɑ́rgju fɔ́r ðə rájt tú kɪ́s jú pǽʃənətli!
  








I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short