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Young Writers Society


Helion



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26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1066
Reviews: 26
Wed Mar 03, 2010 3:45 am
sasquash says...



You know many would consider the human race extinct, but I know better. You see, Helion believes he is the last human being on Earth. But soon he will find he is not the only one. Far across the earth there are two other humans left on this planet, but will he find them in time before the rest of the earth does?

You see, humans were hated for enslaving most creatures of earth. You know, like goblins, elves, dwarves, etc... Eventually, they planned to overthrow the humans kingdom for there freedom. All were killed in the fire of that night, but 3 brothers.

Helion wakes up in a room in which everything is completely white. In confusion he starts yelling for help. That's when the voice sounds. Its almost an echo in his mind.

“First you must pass the phases of life and death.”

“How do I do that? Hello? What is all of this for? Whats the point??"

The room is silent except for his own breathing. The room turns dark and he falls through a trap door and lands in a black room with orange lights coming from torches lining the room. He follows the lights to find torches hanging on the walls.

“This is first of four levels that you must pass to get back to your own world. The rules are simple you will be given one weapon through out four stages, and if you break that weapon… Let’s just say you’re going to have a hard time…”

“Where’s my weapon? Hello?”

A sword and a shield drop out from above. Helion try’s to pick them up, but they are far too heavy.

“Uh… This would be the time where magic comes in handy.”

“Very well then.”

A staff dropped out of no where. As he gripped the staff, he knew exactly what he needed to do. The staff reads intentions like a book, as most humans knew. The sword and shield lift up like a feather. A thirteen foot giant with piercing red eyed appeared right in front of Helion. Slowly, he stepped back from the moss giant. Its saliva was oozing and dripping out, into umbrella sized puddles. The stench of rotting corpse and blood filled the room. In both of its hands it held a wooden club with spikes sprouting out at every possible angle. Helion tried to run, but there’s no where to go. He has to stand and fight or one third of the human race will be taken out.

“You’re kidding, this is the FIRST level?”

The Moss Giant yells and starts dashing toward him at light speed. Helion felt the urge to pick up his staff. As he did this, a blazing roar of blue fire pierced the moss giant, making a whole straight through it.If only life were so easy as for the giant to die from such things. Luckily the action seemed to be enough for The Voice because the giant vanished.

“Welcome to level two.” A voice says.

“AWWWW! You have got to be kidding me!”

A black demon with flaming blue eyes shoot out from a corner of the room followed by many others. Out of fear Helion held his staff up and the creatures backed off. He set his staff down and a blazing wind strike hits the monsters and blows them back into the corner from where they came. Helion falls yet another trap door to find himself in a black room with blue lights.

On the opposite wall he sees a door glowing white. Hellion takes a step but then realizes that that would be too easy just to walk to the door and that there is probably a catch. So……..he simply starts walking to the door. BIG mistake. A greenish sludge wraps itself rapidly around his legs and tightens.

The pressure on his legs became unbearable his mind was going blank; he didn’t know what to do. Helion heard the cracks and pops of his bones as they were torn out of the sockets. He had one thing he thought to try. Quickly thinking he raises his staff up and hit it against the sludge.

Instantly the grip loosened until it released completely. As the greenish sludge dropped back to the floor Helion’s mangled legs gave out beneath him and he fell strait to the floor. When his head hit he realized how helpless and alone he was at this very moment. While he pondered how to get out of this mess his eyesight went fuzzy and then went completely black. He awoke in the same white room he started in. Not again he thought in his head.

“Welcome, you were out for an hour” came a voice in the corner. Helion doesn't even notice the man standing there. Probably because like the entire room the man was dressed in all white.Where he managed to find an all white robe, shirt, pants, belt, and boots the worlds may never know. The man swiftly approached Helion. He notices that this was no man but an elf. He had wrinkles underneath his eyes and all over his face. He had a kind but strict looking face with his eyes completely white. Elves tended to live longer than any other living being and judging by the wrinkles Helion guesses that he is around 200 years old. The elf then spoke again.

“Your fourth and final test is to see if you are worthy to live among the people of this Earth.”

“How do you plan to do that?” Helion asked.

“I will search your mind to see if you are indeed worthy.”





**tell me if its any good or not!!"**
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!
  





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Wed Mar 03, 2010 3:21 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello! I'm GryphonFledgling and I'll be your reviewer today!

A few general critiques:
- Did you skip the third test? You go from going to Level 2 to meeting the elf informing him he is to go on to Level 4. What happened to 3?

- You seem to be skipping around in your tenses quite a bit. You're going between past (he said, he hurried, etc.) and present (he says, he hurries, etc.) Try to pick one and stay with it. When the tenses bounce around, it can get very distracting and hard to follow.


- Character! Helion (I like the name) is our hero, but we don't have any information on him. He wakes up and is immediately shoved into a dangerous situation without knowing why. How does he feel about that? What was his life like before this? Does he remember any of it? Take some time to develop him as a character so that the reader can identify and care about him. This fabulous article by the lovely Writersdomain has some great information to get you started. Give us some history, something sympathetic to latch onto. As is, it's kind of hard to relate to a person we know nothing about.

Like I said, I like the basic idea of the story and I like the jump right into the action, but I want a little... more. Why did the humans enslave the other creatures? How did the three brothers survive? Who's telling the story at the beginning? More! I want more! XD Slow down and take the time to develop your story.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Wed Mar 03, 2010 7:51 pm
sasquash says...



Thanks for the critique! Only one thing. The sludge was the 3rd level. And i need to clarify that. Thank you!
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!
  





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553 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:19 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi,
- Character! Helion (I like the name) is our hero, but we don't have any information on him. He wakes up and is immediately shoved into a dangerous situation without knowing why. How does he feel about that? What was his life like before this? Does he remember any of it? Take some time to develop him as a character so that the reader can identify and care about him. This fabulous article by the lovely Writersdomain has some great information to get you started. Give us some history, something sympathetic to latch onto. As is, it's kind of hard to relate to a person we know nothing about.

I agre with her. Where he was at first and then he finds himself ina room.

Eventually, they planned to overthrow the humans kingdom for their freedom





“This is first of four levels that you must pass to get back to your own world. The rules are simple, you will be given one weapon through out four stages, and if you break that weapon… Let’s just say you’re going to have a hard time…”



A sword and a shield drop out from above. Helion tries to pick them up, but they are far too heavy.


The Moss Giant yells and starts dashing toward him at light speed. Helion felt the urge to pick up his staff. As he did this, a blazing roar of blue fire pierced the moss giant, making a whole straight through it.If only life were so easy as for the giant to die from such things. Luckily, the action seemed to be enough for The Voice because the giant vanished



So, overall, you forget to place commas which is very essential for a literature piece.
STORY: It reminded me a bit of Will Smith's 'I am legend'. It was interesting. Keep writing.

Good job !!!!!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1066
Reviews: 26
Fri Mar 05, 2010 1:43 am
sasquash says...



Thanks a lot for the critique! They all help a lot!
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!
  





User avatar
553 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
Fri Mar 05, 2010 3:00 pm
MiaParamore says...



Ya I know they help a lot.Ever since I have joined YWS, my writing skills have improved. If you can review my story then I would be grateful. Here's the link:

Finding me back- prologue

Finding me back-Chapter 1
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 739
Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:03 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



It seemed a little crazy to begin with. It felt like you were saying ‘So, the human race is wiped out… and now here’s a giant troll thing!! RAR!’ and the ‘white room’ and the ‘trials’, I just didn’t understand any of it. It would be nice to have much more background so that these things didn’t seem so strange. I don’t know why this person is chosen to be one of the three last remaining people on earth, or why he is so calm when fighting a 13 foot monster. Does this person have no fear, or what?
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis