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Young Writers Society


Heated Tears



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Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:26 pm
Fictionstories101 says...



"Gia... Darling stay with Gramama for today, OK? Mommy and Daddy will be going away for a while..." Gia's Mother said, with her soft brown eyes looking at her, most likely trying to conceal the humor of seeing her pouting daughter. She had a hand wrapped around her husband, and she tightened her grip as to make her little girl angrier.

A little girl seemingly five years old with shoulder long hair looked at her parents with fear in her unusual light blue eyes. "Mommy, Daddy! Don't go! You never listen to me! Don't go!"The little girl turned around and saw her grandmothers seventy year old wrinkled face, looking down at her with her brown eyes also holding some humor that seemed as if she didn't want it to be found, both mother and grandmother saw humor in every little thing, and her wiry white hair dangling loosely down to her waist.

"Gia, if you stay I'll let you play with my hair," She was leaning on her cane, her voice raspy, and quiet, but still soothing.

"Yes that is a brilliant idea!" Her mother said, then looked at her husband, gave him a strong look then turned back to her daughter and mother.

"Yes that's right!" Gia's father said as in response to her mothers nagging when she elbowed him a moment before.

"But-" The little girl didn't finish her protest, because her grandmother grabbed her arm and guided her away from her parents. She looked back to see her parents looking at each other lovingly walking away from her and shutting the door behind them.

"...my hair is so damaged, but a little touch of your little hands and it should be completely better..." Her grandmother said as they walked along.

"But-" What is it that the little girl wanted to say, its but a vague memory, yet i still remember 'but-... if you leave you'll die before you arrive...' that's what she wanted to say, she knew what would happen to them, but they never listened... they just thought that she was a blabbering kid. She saw what happened, and after she did it awakened a turmoil inside her, or maybe something more... something dangerous...

"Gia! Wake up!" A familial voice yelled "Gia, get up! A fire!"

"What!" Gia yelled as she got up to see her Grandmother with bloodshot eyes, "How!"

"The cottage next to us, a lighting bolt stuck, and it ignited, its already caught many other houses on fire, hurry we have to get out." Her voice had become quieter over the years, and now it was almost a faint whisper. But even then many things remained the same, she still has a cane, and was still the beautiful, sweet grandma that she had been raised by even after her parents had... disappeared

Gia got up, and scurried as fast as her grandmother could to get out of the house, smoke was creeping in through to Gia's room, and she saw that the whole house was filled with smoke, she grabbed her Grandmothers hand and they started down the stairs. Her grandmother started to cough, but Gia could still last, they reached the bottom of the stairs. Debris had begun to fall making even walking dangerous, her grandmother had continued in her coughing spree, but now they were out the door and in the fresh midnight air.

Now you could hear the people in the small village murmuring to each other not knowing what to do other than watch the houses burn they continued to walk to get as far away from the fire into safety.

Someone turned to see them, with worried eyes, then started to walk towards them, it was the Doctor. "Gia? Come here, you and Ms. Ketter must have inhaled a lot of smoke, it can be dangerous for your lungs. We both walked over to him,and he inspected us, murmuring to himself as he continued. "Gia please go with Mrs. Enwrig I need to talk to your grandmother."

Gia just stood there, first, the houses where burning. Second no one was doing anything to help keep from having the houses burn, and then they wanted her to go away so that the adults could talk, she was no longer a kid, and she didn't need to be protected. "No." Gia stated simply.

"Gia listen to your elderly and leave." Her grandmother whispered to her.

Gia although she wanted to be there to help her grandmother she know what she could do to help, Gia didn't argue, she would never win, she never did, as she had realized, she had never been strong enough to convince anyone of anything, not even if it meant that it would cost them their lives... no one ever listened... She soundlessly left without looking back, and as she went farther away, she saw an image, it was her grandmother... but she pushed that image away, and continued walking... but already she knew what would happen, she always knew what happened. A tear slipped down her cheek, and fell through the black hole of midnight... Just like her grandmother.

The doctor that night found somewhere for her grandmother to sleep, and she must of thought that it was so peaceful, that she didn't want to wake up... ever.

All along Gia knew.
  





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Mon Apr 12, 2010 12:16 am
fairygirl says...



Ohh, cool story!!!
Bits and peices are a little confusing. After her paretns leave her with her grandma, does she fall asleep? Where does she wake up? Did it switch over to first person?
If it did, how much did Gia age? Did she age at all? cuz I just read that part that said
"she wasn't a little kid anymore."...? Just a little confusing.
Don't forget your details!
Other than that, I totally LOVE your story and I can't wait to read more! PM me when you post the next chapter!
Peace!
~*~fairygirl~*~
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
~Jack Sparrow, At Worlds End
  





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Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:21 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello there!

This was a little confusing in some places. Is some of this a memory? How much time passes between Gia staying with her grandmother and the fire? Take the time to slow down a little and let us know what's going on one step at a time. Was her parents leaving a memory? Why does the doctor want to talk to her grandmother. Did her grandmother die? As is, it all sort of runs together and I feel like I got lost.

A couple of things that jumped out at me:

~ You capitalize "Grandmother" and "Doctor" a few times when they don't need to be capitalized. If you are using them as a name (ex. "Hello, Grandmother.") then it is capitalized. However, when you are just referring to them as a noun, it is uncapitalized (ex. Gia hugged her grandmother.).

--
~ In a few places, the dialogue needs to be bumped down. Every time a new character starts speaking, their dialogue needs to begin a paragraph of its own.
ex.
"Bobby, have you seen my keys?" Kia asked as she rooted through the dirty laundry. Bobby didn't look away from his reflection in the mirror as he dragged the razor over his cheek.

"Woman, I swear, you lose your keys every five minutes."

--
~ In the beginning, when you are first introducing Gia and her grandmother, you give them this huge line of description within the first few words of us meeting them.
A little girl seemingly five years old with shoulder long hair looked at her parents with fear in her unusual light blue eyes.

Not only is this just an information overload (too much too quickly), but it is also a huge honking sentence that is just hard to read. Why does it say "seemingly five years old"? Is she actually five years old? If so, the "seemingly" is not needed. If not, why mention that she looks like she is five? Why not just say that she was little?

Also, is it really incredibly important that we know that she has long hair and blue eyes at this point? It seems to just be holding this up. Why not spend a little bit more time describing the character of the little girl, then start to tell us what she looks like.

This story intrigued me though. I want to know what's going on. Are you going to continue this? What is up with Gia? What's going on with all of this? Tell me! Tell meee! *sob*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind