Young Writers Society

It is not a stress reliever or hobby. It is an addiction that has consumed my mind for as long as I can remember. The impulse comes as often as a drug addict desires coke. I know I cannot control it. I know it cannot be stopped. I do everything at night, plan everything in seclusion, and carefully elude those who tried to stop me. This flaw is the only thing that keeps me awake and the only thing that gives me happiness. It helps me. It soothes my weary mind and takes all the tension, the sadness, and the loneliness away.
Tonight its an old, empty warehouse on the outskirts of what used to be a trendy neighborhood. It is the perfect stage. There are few people around. But I know, where ever those people are, they are tucked into their beds, at peace. It has been too long since I have slept like that: a long, dreamless sleep. Sleep seems to run from me. Like everything else. And because of this, I have learnt to trust only myself and to rely on my own instinct.
The air is warm for such a late night and the moon casts its pale blue light into every corner and alleyway it can find. There are no trees near the warehouse. It sits alone, yet it looks majestic. My hand already reaches into the inside of my over-sized coat as I approach the warehouse. It pulls out two familiar items. The first is a silver lighter. The metal is scratched from use. The second is a matching shining silver flask. The liquid inside sloshes around. It is the key object in my performance.
The inside of the warehouse is dark and filled with misty blue moonlight. At the top of the high walls are glass windows, from which the light enters. It is mostly empty, other than a few destroyed wooden crates and one cracked, full-length mirror propped up against one wall. Around me, the shadows giggle in delight and excitement. My audience is ready. I flash a smile. It is meant for the audience but also for myself. The audience's excitement rolls through me and I find myself laughing. Deep belly laughter from the centre of the warehouse swirls through the lifeless air. Opening the flask, I take in the strong scent that burns into my nose. I walk over to one of the wooden crates, listening to my feet hit the cement floor with each step. I pour the contents of the flask onto the wooden remains. Then, I open the lighter and touch the orange flame to the wet and dripping crate. Around me, the audience shifts in anticipation. I watch as the flames feast up the wood. Soon, they will lick up the walls of the warehouse. I take a bow; blow my audience a kiss goodbye. I tell them I will be be back again. As I begin to walk out of the warehouse, I hear sirens in a distance.
They have come to witness the final act. They always do.

Hello Ace!
My name is Rose and I shall be reviewing your work this morning.

It is no stress reliever or hobby.

I would reword this as "It is not a stress reliever or hobby", yet still the sentence is rather awkward. Perhaps use "the fire" or "the flames".

Remember good grammar! It is = it's, not "its".

You use "it" too much. I would suggest finding more creative ways to express your meaning.

The air is warm for such a late night and the moon casts its pale blue light into everyone corner and alleyway it can find.

Be careful! Simple mistakes like "everyone" distract and turn off your readers.

I pour the contents of the flask onto the wooden remains. Then, I open the lighter and touch the orange flame to the wet, dripping, crate.

Comma-usage error here! Follow this link (topic19162.html) for advice on comma placement.

Overall, a nice idea. I liked it. Just be careful about technical mistakes. Also, you seem to skip around a bit in your storytelling. Make the writing engaging and fast-paced without unnecessary fillers to maintain your reader's attention. Keep writing, Ace! You seem to have quite a bit of skill and a broad imagination.

Sincerely,
S.S. Rose

Man, this is so cool, I just had to review!
You describe the mid-set of your MC brilliantly, especially in the first paragraph, the emotions were spot on. You also do a great job of adding an eerie atmosphere to match the craziness of your character, the setting of an abandoned warehouse, an alley, the description of the moon, it was brilliant. Another thing I liked about this is the originality, it’s something that hasn’t been done before, and that just makes it even more interesting as a piece.
Anyway, I don’t know if this is just a one chapter story, I hope it isn’t because you’ve left me wanting more! Good luck with this and thanks for the read!
DM.

What I'd like to know is if you know where you are going with this. It's clearly not as short as it appears - oh, no, the story is quite a bit longer (a short story, yes, but not a novel - well, I don't know that ), and if there is more, I want to see it. It will help it become more complete as opposed to a series of paragraphs that are the hypothetical ramblings of the author. Though, I must say, I like it.

For specific advice, it would also help me know how voraciously you like to read. And what genre, and what authors, and what century, if applicable. All these affect your writing. How you read is how you write!

It is not a stress reliever or hobby. It is an addiction that has consumed my mind for as long as I can remember.

Okay, normally, I would not applaud such bare, blunt sentences, but in this case, they work to your advantage. They hook the reader in - we want to know more!

However, as with anything and everything, it's better to SHOW not TELL us what to think and feel. Bluntness is okay, but it needs to be coupled with imaginative abstractions to make it more...real, as bizarre as that may sound. If it's too to-the-point, it's actually hard to identify with a character so different from any of us. Hence:

The impulsive action comes as often as a drug addict desires coke. I know I cannot control it. I know it cannot be stopped. I do it at night, plan everything in seclusion, and carefully elude those who tried to stop me. It is the only thing that keeps me awake and the only thing that gives me happiness. It helps me. It soothes my weary mind. It takes all the tension, the sadness, and the loneliness away.

This above paragraph is over-the-top direct. Too direct. Too...intimate for a starting paragraph. 'I do it at night' is creepy enough as it is. You don't need to repeat that it is impulsive, that it is like what it feels to a druggie. We KNOW that, we understand the hidden meaning after your opening line. Readers don't like to have assumptions about their level of intelligence made about them. And the whole: 'only thing that keeps me awake...only thing that helps me...soothes me...'could be reworked a LOT more craftily. Show us, don't tell us. Give us an action your character is doing in the present. Give us a memory. Don't bombard us with fact.

It is the perfect stage.

Nice line. Short, neat, compact. COuld be even better: after the first line in that para, just put: The perfect stage. Compare the sweetness of this line to:

Tonight its an old, empty warehouse on the outskirts of what used to be a trendy neighborhood

Too many words clamouring to be heard, here. Old, empty, outskirts, trendy...a bit overwhelming. I'd probably change the first couple of lines to: 'Tonight: a warehouse on the edge of a neighbourhood. Formerly chic, now abandoned. The perfect stage.' This gives it more of an edge, heightens the drama, and the short, snappy lines pack a bigger punch than a long convoluted one. I've removed 'old' and 'empty' because they're unneeded - if it's night, we assume it's empty as no one is going to be there anyway! I don't think you need 'outskirts' when 'edge' does the job just fine. Shorter lines also help make the whole act more clinical. We kind of lean in, fascinated and horrified all at once at what's going on. I think that THAT's the effect overall you're going for.

Oh, and you don't need to say:

There are few people around.

It's understood. Look at the hidden meanings behind what you are already saying. You've said it's old, empty, or abandoned, so we assume there's no one likely to be around.

It has been too long since I have slept like that: a long, dreamless sleep. Sleep seems to run from me. Like everything else. And because of this, I have learnt to trust only myself and to rely on my own instinct.

First line is brilliant. I love the idea of the pyromaniac not sleeping at night. And nice use of shorter lines - 'Like everything else. - as well. I don't understand why you would only trust yourself if you were an insomniac...maybe I'm missing something here???

The air is warm for such a late night and the moon casts its pale blue light into every corner and alleyway it can find. There are no trees near the warehouse. It sits alone, yet it looks majestic. My hand already reaches into the inside of my over-sized coat as I approach the warehouse. It pulls out two familiar items. The first is a silver lighter. The metal is scratched from use. The second is a matching shining silver flask. The liquid inside sloshes around. It is the key object in my performance.

Okay, first time round I read this, I thought that the pretty imagery of the warm air, the pale blue light, mention of the trees, the majestic warehouse looked totally out of place. Like, seriously out. But then I realised...here's a different facet of your character's personality - not only are they clinical about this, but also deeply emotional about it. Interesting combination, and I'm still not sure it works as well, but a good idea. Play around with it. See what you come up with.

Also, good use of shorter sentences here, broken up by medium ones to give it good flow. (I'm not bothering to critique grammar or punctuation here, as that's the least necessary part, I reckon.)

The inside of the warehouse is dark and filled with misty blue moonlight. At the top of the high walls are glass windows, from which the light enters. It is mostly empty, other than a few destroyed wooden crates and one cracked, full-length mirror propped up against one wall. Around me, the shadows giggle in delight and excitement. My audience is ready. I flash a smile. It is meant for the audience but also for myself. The audience's excitement rolls through me and I find myself laughing. Deep belly laughter from the centre of the warehouse swirls through the lifeless air. I open the flask and take in the strong scent that burns into my nose. I walk over to one of the wooden crates, listening to my feet hit the cement floor with each step. I pour the contents of the flask onto the wooden remains. Then, I open the lighter and touch the orange flame to the wet and dripping crate. Around me, the audience shifts in anticipation. I watch as the flames feast up the wood. Soon, they will lick up the walls of the warehouse. I take a bow; blow my audience a kiss goodbye. I tell them I will be be back again. As I begin to walk out of the warehouse, I hear sirens in a distance.

Well, this is certainly an eyeful. Break it up into two separate paras, if possible. I think it's interesting how the story shifts mood - from anguish to a clinical feeling to and almost poetic feeling, and lastly to pure drama, as he does the final act. However, I don't think it works for me in such a short space of writing. You need to expand more, give the man a history, a name, a face, a place, a time. A childhood, even. All would make it more accessible, and add another layer to the story. Plus, they would give you extra room to expand on all the things your character is - insane, perfectionist, artistic, theatric. It kind of does him no justice, squashing all that into a short number of words.

I'm also unsure why he's hear sirens immediately after he lit the fire - or is it his imagination, maybe? This needs to be clearer.

Also, you put a comic twist on it AS WELL as all the other effects you're trying to cram in one. 'deep belly laughing, delight, smile, excitement, giggle...' - you're kind of overdoing it. That line 'I flash a smile' is perfect. It's funny, and it kind of means we side with him, we egg him on. You've got us rooting for the bad guy here!

Anyway, I like the way the piece overall makes me feel. Intrigued, disgusted, horrified, darkly fascinated, delighted, daring, military almost, flabbergasted, like I-really-don't-want-to-know-what-a-pyromanica-gets-up-into-the-night-but-okay-now-that-you've-got-me-started-I-might-as-well-see-this-through--to-the-end.

Speaking of which, about this ending: it seems like a court case. You've used the word 'witness' - that's why. Wrong word choice. Doesn't tie in very well with the rest of the four or five feelings we've been getting at throughout this piece. Good ender, though ' They always do.' Brilliant. Perfect. Just needs a bit more character development in the middle, a bit more planning into the history and the future, and better restructuring so that you can combine all the theatric, clinical, poetic elements in one, instead of leaving them hanging upside down in the air.

Overall, what can I say - a great start and a fascinating idea!

Strange and Interesting premise. This is an original idea, wrapped up with good description, excitement, tension, and realistic ideas. Make it longer!!! Keep on writing!

Nice! I like your description of the warehouse and the moon. The whole thing with the shadows, though? I'm not digging it. The main characters thoughts were very...into is and crazy. Altogether, I loved the originality of this piece and I hope you write more!

I liked this, your descriptive narrative was exciting and emotions top-notch awesome. It really gave me a insight how pyromaniac mind works and it was crazy ride. All in all I loved. Thank you for the read!

Comments in red.

ace1996 wrote:It is not a stress reliever or hobby. It is an addiction that has consumed my mind for as long as I can remember. Good beginning. The impulse comes as often as a drug addict desires coke. Impulsive action didn't work well, IMO. I know I can't control it. I know it can't be stopped. I do it at night, plan everything in seclusion, carefully elude those who tried to stop me. Taking out the "and" makes it work better for me. It is the only thing that keeps me awake and the only thing that gives me happiness. It helps me. It soothes my weary mind. It takes all the tension, the sadness, and the loneliness away. Personally I like this so far but can you try and not start sentences with "it"? It's getting repetitive and monotonous.
Tonight it's an old, empty warehouse on the outskirts of what used to be a trendy neighborhood. It is the perfect stage. There are few people around. But I know they are tucked into their beds, at peace. I cut out the words that slowed down the sentence so it wouldn't be so hard to get through. It has been too long since I have slept like that: a long, dreamless sleep. Sleep seems to run from me. Like everything else. And because of this, I have learnt to trust only myself and to rely on my own instinct.
The air is warm for such a late night I don't think it should be "such a late night". For so late in the night also sounds clunky though. :/ I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be for such a late night. and the moon casts its pale blue light into every corner and alleyway it can find. There are no trees near the warehouse. It sits alone yet it looks majestic. My hand reaches into the inside of my over-sized coat as I approach the warehouse. Removed the already because it slowed down the sentence. It pulls out two familiar items. The first is a silver lighter. The metal surface is scratched from use. The second is a matching shining Matching shining isn't working very well for me. Revise. silver flask. The liquid inside sloshes around. It is the key object in my performance.
The inside of the warehouse is dark and filled with misty blue moonlight. The first part of this sentence is awkward. Revise. At the top of the high walls are glass windows from which the light enters. It is mostly empty, other than a few destroyed wooden crates and one cracked full-length mirror propped up against one wall. Around me, the shadows giggle in delight and excitement. I love that sentence. My audience is ready. I flash a smile. It is meant for the audience but also for myself. Awkward sentence. Revise. The audience's excitement rolls through me and I find myself laughing. Deep belly laughter from the centre of the warehouse swirls through the lifeless air. I open the flask and take in the strong scent that burns into my nose. I walk over to one of the wooden crates, listening to my feet hit the cement floor with each step. You consecutively start too many sentences with "I". Mix up your sentence patterns. I pour the contents of the flask onto the wooden remains. Then, I open the lighter and touch the orange flame to the wet and dripping crate. Around me, the audience shifts in anticipation. I watch as the flames feast up the wood. Soon, they will lick up the walls of the warehouse. I take a bow; blow my audience a kiss goodbye. I tell them I will be be back again. I know I told you to fix the sentences starting with "I" but don't touch these last two. They're good. As I begin to walk out of the warehouse, I hear sirens in the distance.
They have come to witness the final act. They always do.

Very good.

Fix those sentences starting with "I" and I love this piece.

PM me if you have any questions. Everything up there is my opinion so don't take it as a definitive decision or something.

Sincerely,

Kara