Young Writers Society

I felt a cold chill rush up my spine as the darkness touched my shoulder with his cold hands, my skin under his icy hand hurt. Fear was rushing through my body now.
“Don’t be scared I won't hurt you." I could tell from its voice that it was lying. It was going to hurt me, use me then throw me away like some piece of trash. I decided to ignore it maybe it would go away it seemed very unlikely though.

“What? You’re not talking to me?" it said moving its hand through my hair. Another chill shot through my body I felt the urge to cry again but no I didn’t want to give it more a reason to mock me. I shifted away form it.

“Oh come on lea don't be like that."

I was a little surprised by its tone, it had been louder more intimidating in my head but now it felt more like it was taunting me ,rather than trying to hurt me.

“Go away.....I mean it." I said trying to some up the reminder of my courage.

It laughed

“You’re the most interesting slave I’ve ever had." it said with a smirk on his face.
"I’m not your slave." I shouted.

"well that didn’t seem to be the case a few nights ago , I wonder what that poor boy is doing without his mother but we know where she is right Lia?."

"Stop it." I whispered, not wanting to hear anymore of it.
“Remember the look on her face when you killed her.........all that blood it makes me shudder." it said

“I said stop It." I shouted .I could feel my confidence returning. I could make it stop. It would go make it go away.

“Feeling a bit brave are we?"

It stood up and examined our surroundings.
“Where are we?" it asked

"London don’t you remember you dragged me here so you could do something." I shot back with as much venom in my voice as I could sum up.

"Yes I remember I chose quite the irritating little human as a slave didn’t I, well let’s get going." it said.

Get going? Get going where? I looked around we were in a park, a park I knew very well , every time I awoke after a killing, I would always end up here. I was hoping it would have let me stay in New York for at least a while but obviously it had other plans for me. I had no plans in leaving, there was no way I would follow that thing.
“I said get up!" it shouted and a sharp pain erupted through my body. It felt like I was on fire, like I was going to explode.

“Stop Ok, ok I’ll come.” The pain subsided

“Don’t ever forget that I control you and you will do as I say.”

I frowned, got up and dusted myself off.
“Where are we going?” I asked not trying to protest anymore it wouldn’t amount to anything.

“Somewhere we can spend the night.” It said

“So you plan on staying that way?” I said examining it from top to bottom
“Stop asking questions.” Was its reply

I kept quiet in case I got another hit of pain.

“And stop calling me it, it’s rather annoying.” It said
“You can hear my thoughts?” I said.

“Of course, like I said I’ll always be with you.” It said grinning

Hey Writerchick!

“Oh come on Lea, don't be like that."

Capital for a name, and you missed a comma

“Go away.....I mean it." I said trying to some up the reminder of my courage.

I think it's sum up not some up

"Well that didn’t seem to be the case a few nights ago, I wonder what that poor boy is doing without his mother but we know where she is right Lia?." I thought you spelled her name Lea, not Lia (?)

“Stop Ok, ok I’ll come.” The pain subsided

I think that this would look better as: "Stop, ok I'll come."

I really liked the story line and the cliff hanger ending (are you going to write more?) I think that there was too much dialogue and not enough explaining what was going on. It very exciting though and write more!

~Tamara xx

Hi!
I liked this, it's a very gripping story.

Corrections in red, suggestions in bold

I felt a cold chill rush up my spine as the darkness touched my shoulder with his cold hands. My skin, under his icy hand, hurt. Fear was rushing through my body now.

“Don’t be scared, I won't hurt you." (what was its voice like? A description would be good) I could tell from its (at the beginning you described it as 'he', not 'it', choose one, otherwise it can get confusing) voice that it was lying. It was going to hurt me, use me, then throw me away like some piece of trash. I decided to ignore it: maybe it would go away... it seemed very unlikely though.

“What? You’re not talking to me?" it said, moving its hand through my hair. Another chill shot through my body. I felt the urge to cry again, but no, I didn’t want to give it more a reason to mock me. I shifted away form from it.

“Oh come on Lea, don't be like that."

I was a little surprised by its tone: it had been sounded louder, more intimidating, in my head, but now it felt more like it was taunting me rather than trying to hurt me. (why? did Lea detect a smug laugh behind his words, or something? I would like to know more about what Lea is actually hearing rather than just her reaction.)

“Go away.....I mean it," I said, trying to some sum up the reminder remainder of my courage.

It laughed.

“You’re the most interesting slave I’ve ever had," it said with a smirk on his face.

"I’m not your slave!" I shouted.

"Well that didn’t seem to be the case a few nights ago. I wonder what that poor boy is doing without his mother, but we know where she is, right, Lia?" (earlier on you spelt her name Lea. Again, consistancy is needed)

"Stop it," I whispered, not wanting to hear any more of it.

“Remember the look on her face when you killed her......... (eeek keep with just three points) all that blood, it makes me shudder," it said

“I said stop It." I shouted. I could feel my confidence returning. I could make it stop. It would go make it go away. (I like this, the two short sentences work well )

“Feeling a bit brave are we?"

It stood up and examined our surroundings.

“Where are we?" it asked.

"London. Don’t you remember? You dragged me here so you could do something," I shot back with as much venom in my voice as I could sum up.

"Yes, I remember. I chose quite the irritating little human as a slave didn’t I? Well let’s get going," it said.

Get going? Get going where? I looked around. We were in a park, a park I knew very well, every time I awoke after a killing, I would always end up here. I was hoping it would have let me stay in New York for at least a while but obviously it had other plans for me. I had no plans in leaving, there was no way I would follow that thing.

“I said get up!" it shouted and a sharp pain erupted through my body. It felt like I was on fire, like I was going to explode.

“Stop! Ok, ok I’ll come.” The pain subsided

“Don’t ever forget that I control you and you will do as I say.”

I frowned, got up and dusted myself off.

“Where are we going?” I asked, not trying to protest anymore - it wouldn’t amount to anything.

“Somewhere we can spend the night,” It said

“So you plan on staying that way?” I said, examining it from top to bottom. (describe what you saw, so the reader can see him too)

“Stop asking questions.” Was its reply.

I kept quiet in case I got another hit of pain.

“And stop calling me it, it’s rather annoying.” It said.

“You can hear my thoughts?” I said.

“Of course, like I said I’ll always be with you.” It said, grinning.

So I think the main problem you have here is punctuation. Make sure to read through your work really well before submitting, so you can prevent all the nitpicks. Apart from that, it's a very interesting plot. However, I think that you should expand the characters more, and definitly show what's going on more. Right now the dialogue is very dominating, and there aren't many descriptions. Try to find a balance between the two.

Apart from that, it's an interesting story you've got here, and I look forward to reading more!

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia