Young Writers Society

Today , Chicken boy and Turkey boy are found to be brothers. Chicken boy,the good one and Turkey boy who is less than nice, and wants to put an end to chicken eating , more radically than his brother.

"Nonsense, Turkey boy is more than Radical , he's evil", said Chicken boy.walking along with Angie , who is looking at a newspaper while she walks along." Its a shame you two don't get along", Angie says looking up from the newspaper." He's the reason I'm here and why I'm stranded like him", said Chicken boy ,feisty. Angie looks hurt that he said that.
There is a loud sound and everyone looks up. "haaaa, humans i'm back with an army of turkeys" shouts Turkey boy way above perched in an air craft. " its him, its Turkey boy, why does he always have to ruin quiet scenes"complained Chicken boy. "well, be careful", said Angie. With that Angie goes inside a candy shop. Chicken Boy whistles and Checke, the over sized peacock comes to the spot where Chicken boy is. Chicken boy jumps on Checke,"Hal, Checke". Checke runs and rises up in the air.

"okay , Turkeys you are to eat any one with chicken or anything with chicken in it", Turkey boy shouts in his air craft. "hey , Turkey boy, you might want to cancel that. There will be no turkeys eating anyone", Chicken boy shouts on Checke.
" attack Chicken Boy, Turkeys!", shouts Turkey boy. Chicken boy jumps off Checke onto Turkey boy's air craft. Chicken boy pulls out a hammer and smashes the air craft's window shield. Chicken boy falls in and tackles Turkey boy out of his seat onto the floor. Chicken boy and Turkey boy get up, each one ready to attack the other.
Turkey boy pulls out a ketchup gun," brother, you shouldn't side with humans, they want to eat chickens"
" There is a better way to convince them to stop eating chickens , you don't have to terrorize them",shouted Chicken boy. Ketchup squirts out of the gun,and Chicken boy dodges the ketchup and it hits the metal roof of the plane.Chicken boy looks up and there is a hole in the roof, " haven't you kept that ketchup too long?Brother"
Turkey boy laughs," no, its just right, its lethal!"
Chicken boy turns to the controls with his hammer, " sorry brother- you have gone evil!" Chicken boy slams his hammers on the controls and there is crackle of electricity and the plane starts to drop.
" Chicken boy, what have you done?" shouts Turkey boy.
" see ya later , Turkey Boy" Chicken boy whistles and Checke comes and Chicken boy jumps on him. "I'll get you Chicken boy!"Turkey boy jumps on his chair and presses a button and is gone.
....MUCH LATER_
"And you didn't get me anything", Chicken boy exclaims to Angie.
Angie looks at him, "apparently, those Turkeys only liked ice cream ,anything with sugar in it and they came to the candy shop and almost ate all the candy"
" Oh,"exclaims Chicken boy, thinking about why he had attacked Turkey boy's plane.
THE END.
_____________________________
It is supposed to be funny..

Hey, CardDragon! Ok first off I like the imginative ideas that you have put into the story.
I think you need to do more "Show don't Tell."
When I read your story it seems that you seemed to tell the story. You want to use more descriptive items and word choice to show the reader your story. It's like, "Painting a picture."
Well the rest seems great except I think the ending just ends like suddenly. It was not bad.
Keep writing~ SimonCowellLuver

i agree that you should be more descreptive when writing, but otherwise, the story was very unique. i liked it, becuase ive never read something like this. its a new one!! please review back! im more in the fantasy section! thanks for using your time to post your story!!!XD

Hey there!

This is very original and you did a good job on catching my attention. However, it is slighty too action-packed, making it confusing. I advise putting a lot more descriptions in here. Remember, show - don't tell.

Corrections in red and suggestions in bold. (:

"Nonsense, Turkey boy is more than Radical , he's evil", said Chicken boy walking along with Angie, (please explain who Angie is) who is looking at a newspaper while she walks along.
"It's a shame you two don't get along", (new line everytime someone speaks) Angie says looking up from the newspaper.
" He's the reason I'm here and why I'm stranded like him", said Chicken boy ,feisty. Angie looks hurt that he said that.

There is a loud sound and everyone looks up.
"Haaaa, humans I'm back with an army of turkeys," shouts Turkey boy, way above perched in an air craft.
"It's him, it's Turkey boy, why does he always have to ruin quiet scenes?" complained Chicken boy.
"Well, be careful", said Angie. With that Angie goes inside a candy shop. Chicken Boy whistles and Checke, the over sized peacock, (okay, that's random. Describe Checke some more, I really can't imagine him) comes to the spot where Chicken boy is. Chicken boy jumps on Checke,
"Hal, Checke". Checke runs and rises up in the air.

"Okay , Turkeys you are to eat anyone with chicken or anything with chicken in it", Turkey boy shouts in his air craft.
"Hey , Turkey boy, you might want to cancel that. There will be no turkeys eating anyone", Chicken boy shouts on Checke.

"Attack Chicken Boy, Turkeys!", shouts Turkey boy. Chicken boy jumps off Checke onto Turkey boy's air craft. Chicken boy pulls out a hammer and smashes the air craft's window shield. Chicken boy falls in and tackles Turkey boy out of his seat onto the floor. Chicken boy and Turkey boy get up, each one ready to attack the other. (this is too fast - slow it down. You need to show here)

Turkey boy pulls out a ketchup gun, (? what does a ketchup gun even look like?)
"Brother, you shouldn't side with humans, they want to eat chickens"

"There is a better way to convince them to stop eating chickens , you don't have to terrorize them",shouted Chicken boy. Ketchup squirts out of the gun,and Chicken boy dodges the ketchup and it hits the metal roof of the plane.Chicken boy looks up and there is a hole in the roof, (it would be good to describe how it feels now there's a hole in the roof. It must be really windy.)
"Haven't you kept that ketchup too long?Brother"

Turkey boy laughs,
"No, its just right, its lethal!"

Chicken boy turns to the controls with his hammer,
"Sorry brother- you have gone evil!" ('you have turned evil' would sound better) Chicken boy slams his hammers on the controls and there is crackle of electricity and the plane starts to drop.

" Chicken boy, what have you done?" shouts Turkey boy.

"See ya later , Turkey Boy" Chicken boy whistles and Checke comes and Chicken boy jumps on him. "I'll get you Chicken boy!"Turkey boy jumps on his chair and presses a button and is gone.

....MUCH LATER_

"And you didn't get me anything", Chicken boy exclaims to Angie.

Angie looks at him,
"Apparently, those Turkeys only liked ice cream ,anything with sugar in it and they came to the candy shop and almost ate all the candy"

" Oh,"exclaims Chicken boy, thinking about why he had attacked Turkey boy's plane.

THE END.

Okay, so your main problem here is definitly grammar. Remember to:
-Make a new line every time someone speaks.
-Always make the first letter of speech capital - example: "Wow!" he exclaimed and not "wow!" he exclaimed.
-It's = it is - you made the mistake of putting 'its' instead.

Those are the main problems. Just keep them in mind while writing, and read over your work really well afterwards.

In terms of the actual story, it's interesting. However, it is quite hard to follow and as I said before you could do with more description, especially when you introduce new characters.

Hope I helped, and keep writing!

~Lilicia

Hey Carddragon,

I dont think this is funny. I think its quite hard to read and Turkey Boy and Chicken Boy dont feel like real characters - they dont seem well planned out. There are a lot a grammatical errors as Lilicia has said. I felt as though there wasn't a lot of description and the humor was lost somewhere in between everything.

Keep Writing.

Anger.

I guess I wasn't being clear and should have added an introduction.

Chicken Boy is from the planet Eno, in which the people there are born with an animal spirit and have clothing to represent it. Turkey Boy is Chicken Boy's brother who is more radical than him. Chicken Boy came to Earth to stop the poor treatment of chickens. Trouble ensues when Turkey Boy sneaks onto Chicken Boy's ship and sabotages it. Before he can get to his ship,Chicken Boy's ship crash lands on Earth. Chicken Boy lands in a forest near the neighborhood where Jessica Readers lives. Turkey Boy goes on all hellish plots and captures Mr.Reader, to be his henchman. Chicken Boy goes to save the hostage and encounters Jessica and her friend there. After Mr.Reader is saved, Chicken Boy and Jessica become friends
since they are both vegetarians. Chicken Boy continues to campaign for the better treatment of chickens and encounters
Turkey Boy many times along with other enemies.

I did not add much descriptions to Chicken Boy,because I was in a bit of a rush in writing this.