Young Writers Society

It was dark. Too dark for humans to exist in. It was the feeling of darkness that plagued the world. I was lying in bed, hoping to fall asleep and awake to the early morning singing birds and sunshine and to hide away from the blackness in the world. It was so dark and cold that even with my eyes open, as they where, I could still only see the abyss of black night. I could image the world outside of my dorm. It would be dark, no one walking about but a few suspicious men with black coats and coffee in their hands.
I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard a knock that sent me shoot up in my bed, my heart stammering. I shook my head, dismissing it as a sound made by the dishwasher. I knew the front door was locked, there for I should have trusted that I was alone but still there was an odd feeling in my stomach. Then as I laid my shaking head back into the pillow I heard the knock again, it was stronger now like someone was trying to break in. I pulled my heavy blankets over my face and squeezed my eyes shut trying not to think about the fact that I was alone. I had heard of terrible happenings in the dorm residence when young women where alone but I had never focused on it. But then there was a deadly silence that stood out among silences and made me peer over my blankets. There wasn’t even the sound of the light rain on the windows any longer; it was simply silent like time had frozen. I could only lay still in the silence and dark before my world faded and I drifted into a deep deep sleep.

I was aware of a cold hand on my shoulder it was heavy and foreign. I doubted - with out even opening my eyes - that this limb was attached to a living being. I didn’t want to open my eyes, didn’t want to see the tall looming pale features of Dracula or Godzilla standing next to me. I told myself it was impossible, that monsters don’t exist and with one more upward heave I was balancing on my elbows staring upwards in horror.
It was a man, pale with short black spiked hair and dark eyes. His face was smooth and appeared non-gender in the soft light of the moon that was cast from the window behind me. His fingers where long and he was thin and gangly, only the when he moved he wasn’t gangly he was graceful and smooth, and silent as the dead. “Hello”’ the pale man spoke.
My teeth chatter in my head “What-I mean how did you get in here?”
He smiled crookedly “I did knock” he said calmly.
I couldn’t move. And couldn’t talk.
“Please,” he said, his voice lowering, but still as luring and as smooth “Don’t be so scared” his long hand was coming towards my face now, and I was sure I had stopped breathing. As his delicate fingers pressed against my cheek bone a terrible shock shivered through me. He was cold as ice, his fingers where like early morning frost blowing on my face.
“I can’t help it.” I breathed, picturing pushing him away but still did nothing. All the years of growing up I was scared someone would break in and now all the times my Father reassured me I realized he was wrong. When I had moved out at nineteen into my college dorm, I was sure that I was safe but I doubted I would sleep again.
“But I know you can” his mouth hardened to a concerned line.
“Who are you?” I pushed myself up further into a sitting position being aware that he was watching my every movement with great pleasure.
“I am not human,” he admitted. I swallowed hard making my throat burn like fire “I am what you may call the living dead”
I examined him from my new position and there was only one thought that popped into my mind. Beautiful. His face was thin and his eyes black as the eyeliner around them and as he moved I noticed the shine of silver sparkles in his hair and on his eyes lids. I wasn’t sure that he was even as old as me.
“Vampire” I whispered not meaning to, it was like the vortex of his face willed me to speak.
He nodded, his perfect lips pressing together.
“Why me?” I asked, wondering why he was here and why he would pick me.
“You’re the one that called to me”
“No I didn’t” my mind slowed trying to think about what he meant.
“But you did, in your sleep” he looked amused.
I stopped talking for a minute, baffled again by his beauty.
“Speak,” he commanded calmly.
“Why?” I managed to breath out the world quietly.
“The sound of your voice is like………” he paused seeming to not know what to say “Sensational” he finished. A creepy shiver ran down my spine. Just four hours ago I was peacefully preparing for bed after finishing my exam prep and now I sat in bed face to face with a dead man.
I breathed smoothly, trying to control my speeding heart. His eyes silently searched for mine, I tried to move my head to stop his gaze but still his eyes starred at me waiting for me to give in. I could feel that he expected me to give in and just as he had suspected I did. Immediately our eyes where glued together.






















Part 2
“I’m not different from you,” He said smoothly, his hand stroking my cheek again. I wasn’t sure why I allowed him to touch me and make that shocking cold shiver rattle my body but when he did I couldn’t move.
“What’s your name?” I breathed, being pulled into the vortex of his endlessly dark eyes.
“Felix” he smiled at my horrified expression.
I shook my head, coming back to earth. Suddenly a surge of energy made me jump up so high it was like all the happenings of the last half hour finally took their toll on me. I threw my blanket aside and stood before him, my bare feet freezing on the hardwood floor.
He mused as he attempted to suck me back into his vortex. “You have to get out” I heard a voice say calmly; I silenced myself for a moment before I realized it was my own words.
He laughed “Why?”
“Because I don’t know you, why are you even here?” I was abnormally confident at the moment.
He looked taken aback, this time I fought the urge to smile at his expression. “I told you, you’re dream-,”
“No” I held my hand up in front of his face “I heard you the first time.” I was silent again, as I looked away contemplating weather to phone the police or not.
“I have to take you to, Eldon now you realize, or course”
“Eldon?” I asked quietly hugging my arms around myself as a cold shiver ran down my back.
“You can’t know about me and expect to roam around freely” he smiled again but this time the light reflected off his teeth which where in fact, fanged. My eyes widened and I nearly slammed into the wall behind me as I tried to back peddle out of the situation. In one swift movement he was on his feet standing only inches from my face, our noses nearly touching. I was stiff as a board standing barely propped up by the wall. He had a cold vibe almost like a frosty mist surrounded him and it engulfed me within a second. I starred into his eyes, I felt I’d known him my whole life and suddenly I felt the urge step closer and wrap my arms around his freezing body. “Stop” I said, turning away. When I breathed I could see the cold puff of misty breath leave my mouth.
“Stop what?” he asked setting his cold hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t help but to put my eyes into his again.
“That” I said taking a leap of faith and pushing him backwards. I could tell I wasn’t nearly powerful enough to actually move him but he stepped back to give me some space, still with that nasty crooked smile on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled “But I have to take you with me”
“Well you can’t” I crossed my arms across my chest trying to hide my uncontrollable fear. Still all I could think of was how pale he was, and how dark his features where. His hair was glittered and his eyes shone in the dark like a cats and no matter how much fear I had I just couldn’t stop looking at him. I realized now, as the moons reflection cast a bright light across his thin figure what he was wearing and my eyes where fixed. He had on a slick black leather coat with the collar turned up, a white shirt underneath and black pants that looked just a size too tight. It was like he was trying to pull off a gothic vampire look, and he was doing it just fine.
“Take me where?” I asked sounding almost like I was considering.
He smiled, like he had once again predicted my movements “To our home”
“And where, prey tell would that be?” I put my hand on my hip trying to sound brace.
His face lit up “You’re the most interesting human I have ever met”
I shook my head “Actually you broke in”
“Now, Cleo-,”
“How do you know my name?” I demanded.
He looked surprised suddenly “I know you,”
“No you don’t” I wasn’t sure that I even believed him yet and if he was about to go on about his physic dream reading powers I certainly wouldn’t. I mean what where the chances of a vampire breaking into my dormitory in the middle of the night, how could I know he wasn’t just a practical joke sent by one of my friends.
“When you called me in your dream, you showed me your memories.”
I froze, staring him straight in the eyes. “That’s it, you have to go now, ok?”
He shook his head “I can’t! You mortals really don’t get it”
“Why?”
“Because then, I would forced to hunt you down and kill you in front of all the courts and then take my own life willingly” he blinked slowly trying to get me to understand.
“Oh” I swallowed hard against my will. What I was supposed to do now?
I looked into his now longing eyes that where begging me to come and to understand the circumstances. “Why did you bother to come in here in then?”
“It was instinct, I had no choice to wake you or not. No matter how hard I try to control myself I can’t,” he lowered his voice “I have to sit and watch my instincts walk me through the night, killing the innocence-,”
“I’ll come” I interrupted, my mind distantly yelling no, but my body throbbing with the answer that was on my lips, yes.
His face went blank “What?”
I nodded “Just let me pack some things.”
He smiled showing his fangs again and forcing me to look away for my own good. “I’ll wait,” he said, with that he turned swiftly and glided out of my room closing the door behind him.

Comments in red or green

katecull wrote:It was dark. Too dark for humans to exist in. It was the feeling of darkness that plagued the world. I was lying in bed, hoping to fall asleep and awake to the early morning singing birds and sunshine and to hide away from the blackness in the world. It was so dark and cold that even with my eyes open, as they where,Where should be were I could still only see the abyss of black night. I could image the world outside of my dorm. It would be dark, no one walking about but a few suspicious men with black coats and coffee in their hands.
I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard a knock that sent me shoot The word "shoot" isn't right.You should replace it. up in my bed, my heart stammering. I shook my head, dismissing it as a sound made by the dishwasher. I knew the front door was locked, there for I should have trusted that I was alone but still there was an odd feeling in my stomach. Then as I laid my shaking head back into the pillow I heard the knock again, it was stronger now like someone was trying to break in. I pulled my heavy blankets over my face and squeezed my eyes shut trying not to think about the fact that I was alone. I had heard of terrible happenings in the dorm residence when young women where alone but You need to put commas before you "buts" Wrong: I was so scared I peed my pants but I found the strength to kill the beast.
Right: I was so scared I peed my pants, but I found the strength to kill the beast. I had never focused on it. But then You start a lot of your sentences "Then" "But then" ex. You could simply say "There was a deadly . .. . there was a deadly silence that stood out among silences and made me peer over my blankets. There wasn’t even the sound of the light rain on the windows any longer; it was simply silent like time had frozen. I could only lay still in the silence and dark before my world faded and I drifted into a deep deep sleep.

I was aware of a cold hand on my shoulder it was heavy and foreign. I doubted - with out even opening my eyes - that this limb was attached to a living being. I didn’t want to open my eyes, didn’t want to see the tall looming pale features of Dracula or Godzilla standing next to me. I told myself it was impossible, that monsters don’t exist and with one more upward heave I was balancing on my elbows staring upwards in horror.
It was a man, pale with short black spiked hair and dark eyes. His face was smooth and appeared non-gender in the soft light of the moon that was cast from the window behind me. His fingers where long and he was thin and gangly, only the when he moved he wasn’t gangly You shouldn't repeat gangly in the same sentance. Replace it. he was graceful and smooth, and silent as the dead. “Hello”’ the pale man spoke.
My teeth chatter in my head You need to stay in the same tence as before. My teeth chattered in my head. “What-I mean how did you get in here?”
He smiled crookedly “I did knock” he said calmly.
I couldn’t move. And couldn’t talk. This would be easier said I couldn't move or talk.
“Please,” he said, his voice lowering, but still as luring and as smooth “Don’t be so scared” his long hand was coming towards my face now, and I was sure I had stopped breathing. As his delicate fingers pressed against my cheek bone a terrible shock shivered through me. He was cold as ice, his fingers where like early morning frost blowing on my face.
“I can’t help it.” I breathed, picturing pushing him away but still did nothing. All the years of growing up I was scared someone would break in and now all the times my Father reassured me I realized he was wrong. When I had moved out at nineteen into my college dorm, I was sure that I was safe but I doubted I would sleep again.
“But I know you can” his mouth hardened to a concerned line.
“Who are you?” I pushed myself up further into a sitting position being aware that he was watching my every movement with great pleasure.
“I am not human,” he admitted. I swallowed hard making my throat burn like fire “I am what you may call the living dead”
I examined him from my new position and there was only one thought that popped into my mind. Beautiful. His face was thin and his eyes black as the eyeliner around them and as he moved I noticed the shine of silver sparkles in his hair and on his eyes lids. I wasn’t sure that he was even as old as me. The sparkles make me think about twilight to much
“Vampire” I whispered not meaning to, it was like the vortex of his face willed me to speak.
He nodded, his perfect lips pressing together.
“Why me?” I asked, wondering why he was here and why he would pick me.
“You’re the one that called to me”
“No I didn’t” my mind slowed trying to think about what he meant.
“But you did, in your sleep” he looked amused.
I stopped talking for a minute, baffled again by his beauty.
“Speak,” he commanded calmly.
“Why?” I managed to breath out the world quietly.
“The sound of your voice is like………” he paused seeming to not know what to say “Sensational” he finished. A creepy shiver ran down my spine. Just four hours ago I was peacefully preparing for bed after finishing my exam prep and now I sat in bed face to face with a dead man.
I breathed smoothly, trying to control my speeding heart. His eyes silently searched for mine, I tried to move my head to stop his gaze but still his eyes starred at me waiting for me to give in. I could feel that he expected me to give in and just as he had suspected I did. Immediately our eyes where glued together. Wonderfull breaking point!

I didn't look at the second part for bad things, but the first part is great. I like your discriptions and you show more than most people! I want to see more.

Comments in red.

katecull wrote:It was dark. Too dark for humans to exist in. It was the feeling of darkness that plagued the world. Well, you certainly have my attention. I was lying in bed, hoping to fall asleep and awake to the early morning singing birds and sunshine So the early morning is singing birds and sunshine? I have to say, whether or not it's intentional I like the way you played with words there. and to hide away from the blackness Blackness kind of destroyed the lyrical quality of your piece. in the world. It was so dark and cold that even with my eyes open, as they were, I could still only see the abyss of black night. I could image the world outside my dorm. It would be dark, no one walking about but a few suspicious men with black coats and coffee in their hands. Darkness and blackness seems to be a consistent theme. By this point though I'm beginning to get sick of the words.
I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard a knock that sent me shooting up in my bed, my heart stammering. A stammering heart. Again, new but I can't say I don't like it. I shook my head, dismissing it as a sound made by the dishwasher. She thinks someone is using the dishwasher late at night? 0o I knew the front door was locked, therefore I should have trusted that I was alone but still there was an odd feeling in my stomach. Something about the last part of that sentence made me stumble. Then as I laid my shaking head back into the pillow I heard the knock again; it was stronger now like someone was trying to break in. I pulled my heavy blankets over my face and squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to think about the fact that I was alone. Last part of this sentence is clunky. Revise. I had heard of terrible happenings in the dorm residence when young women were alone but I had never focused on it. Mind giving us examples? But then there was a deadly silence that stood out among silences Can't say I haven't heard of this before but I like the way you used it so I'll let it pass. and made me peer over my blankets. There wasn’t even the sound of the light rain on the windows any longer; That last clause felt like a tongue twister. Made me stumble. Revise. it was simply silent, like time had frozen. I could only lie still in the silence and darkness before my world faded and I drifted into a deep deep sleep. Not too fond of the last sentence.

I was aware of a cold hand on my shoulder - it was heavy and foreign. I doubted - with out even opening my eyes - that this limb was attached to a living being. I didn’t want to open my eyes, didn’t want to see the tall looming pale features of Dracula or Godzilla Technically tall, looming pale features still modifies Godzilla and I don't know about your Godzilla but the one I know definitely doesn't have pale looming features. standing next to me. I told myself it was impossible, that monsters don’t exist and with one more upward heave I was balancing on my elbows, staring upwards in horror. Good last sentence.
It was a man, pale with short black spiked hair and dark eyes. His face was smooth and appeared androgynous (Non-gender isn't technically the right word. Besides, I think androgynous would fit better with the voice of your piece.) in the soft light of the moon that was cast from the window behind me. His fingers where long and he was thin and gangly, only when he moved he wasn’t gangly: he was graceful and smooth, and silent as the dead. “Hello”’ the pale man spoke.
My teeth chattered. “What-I mean how did you get in here?”
He smiled crookedly. “I did knock” he said calmly.
I couldn’t move. And couldn’t talk. I have to say, "I did knock" is so epic it's almost beyond words. XD
“Please,” he said, his voice lowering, but still as alluring and smooth as (insert whatever you find alluring and smooth here. Just not honey, because it's overused.) “Don’t be so scared." His long hand was coming towards my face now, and I was sure I had stopped breathing. As his delicate fingers pressed against my cheek bone a terrible shock shivered through me. He was cold as ice; his fingers were like early morning frost blowing on my face.
“I can’t help it.” I breathed, picturing myself pushing him away but still doing nothing. All the years of growing up I was scared someone would break in and now all the times my Father reassured me I realized he was wrong. The last part of this sentence is awkward. Revise. When I had moved out at nineteen into my college dorm, I was sure that I was safe but I doubted I would sleep again after this.
“But I know you can.” His mouth hardened to a concerned line.
“Who are you?” I pushed myself up further into a sitting position, aware that he was watching my every movement with great pleasure.
“I am not human,” he admitted. I swallowed hard, making my throat burn like fire. “I am what you may call the living dead.”
I examined him from my new position and there was only one thought that popped into my mind. Beautiful. His face was thin and his eyes black as the eyeliner ...Eyeliner. This killed the narrative for me. T.T around them and as he moved I noticed the shine of silver sparkles in his hair and on his eyes lids Makeup...T.T And here I was thinking this was a genuinely creepy vampire story.. I wasn’t sure that he was even as old as me. There's something wrong with that last sentence though I can't tell what.
“Vampire,” I whispered although I wasn't meaning to; it was like the vortex of his face willed me to speak.
He nodded, his perfect lips pressing together.
“Why me?” I asked, wondering why he was here and why he would pick me.
“You’re the one that called to me.”
“No I didn’t.” my mind slowed trying to think about what he meant.
“But you did, in your sleep.” He looked amused.
I stopped talking for a minute, baffled again by his beauty.
“Speak,” he commanded calmly.
“Why?” I managed to breath out the world quietly.
“The sound of your voice is………” he paused seeming to not know what to say, “Sensational” he finished. A creepy shiver ran down my spine. Just four hours ago I was peacefully preparing for bed after finishing my exam prep and now I sat in bed face to face with a dead man.
I breathed smoothly, trying to control my speeding heart. His eyes silently searched for mine, I tried to move my head to stop his gaze but still his eyes stared at me, waiting for me to give in. I could feel that he expected me to give in and just as he suspected I did. Immediately our eyes where glued together.






















Part 2
“I’m not different from you,” He said smoothly, his hand stroking my cheek again. I wasn’t sure why I allowed him to touch me and make that shocking cold shiver rattle my body, but when he did I couldn’t move.
“What’s your name?” I breathed, being pulled into the vortex Word repetition. Words like these stick out so you have to be careful of using them too many times in the narrative. of his endlessly dark eyes.
“Felix.” he smiled at my horrified expression. She was scared of his name? 0o
I shook my head, coming back to earth. Suddenly a surge of energy made me jump up so high it was like all the happenings of the last half hour finally took their toll on me. I threw my blanket aside and stood before him, my bare feet freezing on the hardwood floor.
He mused as he attempted to suck me back into his vortex. Eep. You really, really, really like this word. Kill it dead. “You have to get out,” I heard a voice say calmly; I silenced myself for a moment before I realized it was my own words.
He laughed “Why?”
“Because I don’t know you; why are you even here?” I was abnormally confident at the moment.
He looked taken aback, this time I fought the urge to smile at his expression. “I told you, you’re dream-,”
“No.” I held my hand up in front of his face. “I heard you the first time.” I was silent again, as I looked away contemplating whather to phone the police or not.
“I have to take you to Eldon now, of course”
“Eldon?” I asked quietly, hugging my arms around myself as a cold shiver ran down my back.
“You can’t know about me and expect to roam around freely,” he smiled again but this time the light reflected off his teeth which were, in fact, fanged. My eyes widened and I nearly slammed into the wall behind me as I tried to backpedal out of the situation. In one swift move he was on his feet, standing only inches from my face, our noses nearly touching. I was stiff as a board, standing barely propped up by the wall. He had a cold vibe, (By the way, vibe threw me off your voice.) almost like a frosty mist, surrounding him and it engulfed me within a second. I stared into his eyes. I felt I’d known him my whole life and suddenly I felt the urge step closer and wrap my arms around his freezing body. “Stop,” I said, turning away. When I breathed I could see the cold puff of misty breath leave my mouth.
“Stop what?” he asked setting his cold hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t help but to put my eyes into his again. This is just said wrong. :\ Revise the last sentence.
“That” I said, taking a leap of faith and pushing him backwards. I could tell I wasn’t nearly powerful enough to actually move him but he stepped back to give me some space, with that nasty crooked smile still on his face. By the way, the emphasis on the crooked smile is making me think of Twilight.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. Mumbling doesn't mesh well with what we've seen of his personality - cocky and arrogant. “But I have to take you with me.”
“Well you can’t,” I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hide my uncontrollable fear. Still all I could think of was how pale he was, and how dark his features where. His hair glittered and his eyes shone in the dark like a cat's and no matter how much feared I just couldn’t stop looking at him. I realized now, as the moons reflection cast a bright light across his thin figure what he was wearing and my eyes where fixed. He had on a slick black leather coat with the collar turned up, a white shirt underneath and black pants that looked just a size too tight. ...Umm...Draco in leather pants feeling here. >>" Longcoats are awesome but uh, really this time it seems forced. It was like he was trying to pull off a gothic vampire look, and he was doing it just fine. Hahahaha. This is an awesome sentence, but I'm afraid this doesn't fit into the narrative. Or with the tone of the story, actually.
“Take me where?” I asked, sounding almost like I was considering it.
He smiled, like he had once again predicted my movements. “To our home.”
“And where, pray tell, would that be?” I put my hand on my hip trying to sound brave.
His face lit up. “You’re the most interesting human I have ever met.” Really? She doesn't seem all that interesting/unique to me right now.
I shook my head. “Actually you broke in.” What does breaking in have to do with what he said?
“Now, Cleo-,”
“How do you know my name?” I demanded.
He looked surprised. “I know you.”
“No, you don’t.” I wasn’t sure I even believed him yet and if he was about to go on about his psychic dream reading powers I certainly wouldn’t. Psychic dream reading powers? And she knows he has these how? I mean what were the chances of a vampire breaking into my dormitory in the middle of the night? How could I know he wasn’t just a practical joke sent by one of my friends?
“When you called me in your dream, you showed me your memories.”
I froze, staring him straight in the eyes. “That’s it. You have to go now, ok?”
He shook his head “I can’t! You mortals really don’t get it.”
“Why?”
“Because then, I would forced to hunt you down and kill you in front of all the courts and then take my own life willingly.” He blinked slowly trying to get me to understand. Why does he need to blink slowly while doing this?
“Oh” I swallowed hard against my will. Against her will or subconsciously? There's a difference. What I was supposed to do now?
I looked into his now longing eyes that were begging me to come, to understand the circumstances. “Why did you bother to come in here in then?” You know, I'm starting to like your protagonist. She has a good point there.
“It was instinct; I had no choice on whether to wake you or not. No matter how hard I try to control myself I can’t,” he lowered his voice “I have to sit and watch my instincts walk me through the night, killing the innocent-,”
“I’ll come” I interrupted, my mind distantly yelling no, but my body throbbing with the answer that was on my lips, yes. So our protagonist is hot for the vamp? XD I like how you make it clear she's lusting after him and not in love with him.
His face went blank. “What?”
I nodded. “Just let me pack some things.” I think she should show some signs of regret. I mean she didn't really want to go right, except for the whole you're hot factor.
He smiled showing his fangs again and I forced myself to look away for my own good. “I’ll wait,” he said, with that he turned swiftly and glided out of my room closing the door behind him.

Final thoughts:

You lack punctuation and capitalization in places, and there a number of misused words and typos there. Spellcheck would help.

I loved the beginning but towards the middle it devolved into a somewhat corny mess, but then redeemed itself in the end. You might want to fix the middle.

Makeup + vampires = weird. This is my opinion though. Your vampire sounds like some emo dude.

Your prose is amazing.

Your protagonist actually is a smart girl. Very good. Your vampire is a little on the bland side right now but it's all right. I have no idea how to help you but I encourage you to add in more of his little movements, his quirks, etc.

If your profile is right and you really are 13, this is beyond excellent (ignoring the lack of punctuation marks, of course). Your prose is wonderful apart from your reliance on the word vortex and although, like I said before, the plot is cheesy and corny in the middle, you manage to hold my interest anyway.

That's all for this review. If you have any questions at all, feel free to PM me. And if you want me to critique the next part/chapter for you, then PM me as well. I think you show promise. Plenty of it.

Sincerely,

Kara

katecull wrote:It was dark. Too dark for humans to exist in. It was the feeling of darkness that plagued the world. I was lying in bed, hoping to fall asleep and awake to the early morning singing birds and sunshine and to hide away from the blackness in the world. It was so dark and cold that even with my eyes open, as they where, I could still only see the abyss of black night. I could image the world outside of my dorm. It would be dark, no one walking about but a few suspicious men with black coats and coffee in their hands. although I like the way it starts out, try not to chop up your sentances too much. Also, God gave us comments for a reason, so we don't always have to use "and". "As they were" is an unnecessary fragment, since you already said your eyes were open. Image is not an adjective, so use "imagine" instead. I like the description, though, very good!
I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard a knock that sent meshot meup in my bed, my heart stammering. I shook my head, dismissing it as a sound made by the dishwasher. I knew the front door was locked, there for I should have trusted that I was alone, but still there was an odd feeling in my stomach. Then, as I laid my shaking head back ontothe pillow I heard the knock again, it was stronger now like someone was trying to break in. I pulled my heavy blankets over my face and squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to think about the fact that I was alone. I had heard of terrible happenings in the dorm residence when young women where alone, but I had never focused on it."focused on it" is kind of an odd phrase. Maybe "thought about it"? But then there was a deadly silence that stood out among silencesanother awkward phrase and made me peer over my blankets. There wasn’t even the sound of the light rain on the windows any longer; it was simply silent like time had frozen.great description! I could only lay still in the silence and dark before my world faded and I drifted into a deep deepsleep.

I was aware of a cold hand on my shoulder it was heavy and foreign. I doubted - with out even opening my eyes - that this limb was attached to a living being.very nice, very creepy. I didn’t want to open my eyes, didn’t want to see the tall looming pale features of Dracula or Godzilla standing next to me.I like the way this sentance is formed I told myself it was impossible, that monsters don’t exist, and with one more upward heave I was balancing on my elbows staring upwards in horror.Good paragraph
It was a man, pale with short black spiked hair and dark eyes. His face was smooth and appeared non-genderyou already specified him as a man in the soft light of the moon that was cast from the window behind me. His fingers where long and he was thin and gangly,good description only thewhen he moved he wasn’t gangly hewas graceful and smooth, and silent as the dead. “Hello”’ the pale man spoke.
My teeth chattered in my head. “What-I mean how did you get in here?”
He smiled crookedly. “I did knock.” he said calmly.
I couldn’t move. And couldn’t talk.
“Please,” he said, his voice lowering, but still as alluring and as smooth. “Don’t be so scared.” His long hand was coming towards my face now, and I was sure I had stopped breathing. As his delicate fingers pressed against my cheek bone a terrible shock shivered through me. He was cold as ice, his fingers werelike early morning frost blowing on my face.cool description!
“I can’t help it.” I breathed, picturing pushing him away but still did nothing. All the years of growing up, I was scared someone would break in and now all the times my Father reassured me I realized he was wrong. When I had moved out at nineteen into my college dorm, I was sure that I was safe but I doubted I would sleep again.
“But I know you can.” His mouth hardened to a concerned line.
“Who are you?” I pushed myself up further into a sitting position, beingaware that he was watching my every movement with great pleasure.
“I am not human,” he admitted. I swallowed hard making my throat burn like fire. “I am what you may call the living dead”

This is what I've read so far. It's very good, I like the description and the plot. Just be a little conscious of your grammer, and you should be great.

Makeup + vampires = weird

*snickersnicker*

=D

it reminded me too much of a emo-ish twilight. A few words you were a little dependant on but that's not much of a problem. You have good style, but the whole situation is a tad used up.

I really enjoyed your story, but i think you could have been a little descripted

You have very good style, I only saw a few mistakes that could easily be fixed. However, I'd like to see you write something that hasn't been done 200 times by teenage girls around the world. Vampires are very old hat.