Young Writers Society

Nice work. I liked your use of discriptive language, which made it easy to visualize the setting, but at times the plot at times was a bit confusing. One thing you could improve on is the beginning dialog. Although it didn't really impact the plot, the guards' conversation didn't really fit the situation. Their actions greatly improved the believability of it, though. Overall I thought it was a great piece. I especially liked your use of repetition in the end. It was conclusive, but at the same time left room for more.

Hmmm. There was only one thing that caught my eye:

"Credits was a certain type of money."

I feel like the reader could understand this already without the explanation, so why use the awkward sentence when the story's fine without it.

Everything else I had to say was previously noted by another critic....



Good luck with the rest!

~Lilianna~

Hey, I edited the prologue a bit and merged it into chapter one here: topic31797.html