Young Writers Society

I haven't a clue, lol. But, I think it may be in the future.

If you don't continue i'll, i'll uh... Assasinate you! I only wish she was not so dumb. Creepy lieing guy. I hope she kills him.
I wuold say oh... 9/10 (i never give 10/10s)

JesseJames wrote:He's done lots of work with assassin stories.

Who's Ryan?

She was nervous.

The room had an adjoining bathroom, so as soon as the man walked out, she crept in there and began to turn the knobs. She had expected, if she were lucky, a little bit of cold water and maybe a grubby basin. It was much better. She marveled at the sink, the faucets, the mirrors.

The mirrors...

One of her eyes was swelling rapidly. Both her ears were a bright red, and she could see her face begin to bruise. She touched it gently, with almost a reverence. It hurt.

She washed off her face and then her hands, wiping both on her night gown. She didn't trust the fluffy towels in the corner. She ducked to peak at the room, but then retreated to the bathtub. She didn't want to be surprised again.

It was a little while longer when she heard a little knock. She was dozing again, but at the sound, she sprang up, her hand automatically going to her waist where her weapon was normally kept.

It wasn't there.

The door opened. Inside came a woman, looking horribly cheerful and very fat. "Hello!" she called out.

She didn't move. Instead, she crept to the door and locked it defiantly. Then she looked around the bathroom. The perfect tiled floors, the spotless counters. It was strange; the absence of mildew nearly burned her nose.

She hated this place.

She ran her hands along the walls. She still heard the stupid fat girl in the other room, but she ignored her. Now... how could she escape?

no offence, but for an assasin this girl seems kinda dumb to me. you'd think an assasin would know humans better and therefore be able to make logical decisions when faced with an obviously rich and important man.

I don't know all the little details though, like if it were a desolate future in which human existence has finally hit rock bottom than maybe i can see her charcter being the "best assasin".

one more thing, there wasn't much visualization. like you didn't really get a fealing for location, character etc. it was still interesting enough to read so it would probably be REALLY good if there was some more description.

hm, i like the thing where the dude is like the godfather, in a way.
Good i like the idea of a femail assassin, reminds me of electra.

The only thing i would like better is if she wasn't so much a weakling.

You should also try it where she has a problem such as the only thing she can do well is kill, but she hates killing. so it adds to the delema.

If you haven't read electra, the book not the movie. I sugest reading it.

I also find that most of the assassins where taught like self defense from a really old master and they keep getting thier butts kicked whenever they test themselves agains't him.

anyway, just add some zest, assassins usually have some sort of mental ability, like getting unstoppable anger from the memory of thier mother being killed or something.

if you find none of these good, thats ok. its your story, keep it that way.

Cool! I dont really knew what else to say... Oh, ya! Like the guy above me said, what time fram is this in?

Well done, snoink. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. It was really well written, and If it goes on I would like to read it.

umm...good story i think. is it a novel? because if it is... well... it's very fast paced, a little too fast. things are going way too fast if it's going to be a novel. OK... the girl seems a little too dumb to be a successful assasin. if she was successful and that dumb...well... no need to go further. OK... next. Assassins don't use rope. they could use chicken wire to cut the head clean off... or nylon string, cause that's hard to break... not that i would know or anything of course

next... it's a well written story. good description. but there is one part i'm confused about. it says that she fell unconcious...why is the eye just STARTING to swell up? You should've made the intro start with a succesful assassination and her going back to her home/base/hideout. Also, why did she kill the man in the begening? kinda strange... Also, the man that hires her. you should describe what he looks like more.

Arn't assassins suppose to be stealthy? like moving with the wind and shadows? so this assassin is suppose to be successful... and why would he want her? only assassin around? if he wanted to kill someone for a million dollars...he could just hire a contract killer... or just a regular assassin... who is actually SMART. contract killers are the best tho...since he wants to pay 1 million dollars. don't ask how i know so much about this...

Use more description and imagery that actually make sense

Before you go on about how much it sucks, etc., please please please note that this was written two years ago as a way to fight writer's block and I really don't care about it anymore. XD

As it seems, jennnafina caught all the grammatical errors so i only have positive things to say XD.
I like the particular language usage for the both of them using a slight marxist style to divide a difference in social class. The rich man's use of "proper" english and the assassin's use of ebonics let me use literary analysis to already determin their character.
Its a great story, keep it up

It was certainly interesting, but I noticed some odd sentences:

She recognized it as chloroform before going unconscious.

'Going unconscious'? That's just... awkward. If you want to keep it simple, I'd suggest 'falling unconscious', but if not, you could try something like:

"She recognized it as chloroform just before she fell into the depths of her subconscious.'

Even that is... a little odd, but it sounds better then 'going' unconscious.

"It's too late for that. I will turn you in now." He walked towards the door.

Oooh, awkward again. x_x
He sounds too... cardboard-y. How about something like....

'"Oh, it's too late for that. Time to get this little vixen to jail!" He started for the door.'
That sounds kind of odd too, but I believe it's slightly better.

They went near to his car. She tried to run, but he caught her quickly and then forced her in.

Yikes! Could you rephrase that, please?

'As they neared his car, she tried to run, but he caught her quickly, forcing her inside.'
Just a suggestion. ^^

“Now get up.” He gestured the gun and she slowly got up. “Let’s go.”

Repetition! Agh! My only advice is to get rid of 'got up' and put it like: 'and she rose slowly.'


Overall, I like the way you write, and it seems the only problems you have (that I noticed,) are repetition, (not very often, but enough that it's noticeable...) and some awkward sentences.
Still, that hardly detracts from the story, as far as I'm concerned. Just keep an eye out for those two little problems, and you'll only get better!

Bestestestesties of lucks, ( )

-Sela

Pretty good!