Young Writers Society

Okay people...so this is my first story on TYWS...I'm nervous, I must admit, but I thought it'd be good for me. Please critique this and be honest. Thanks! (OH! And I'm sorry about the lack of breaks.)

She sat on the cold, damp rug. Wherever she was, she knew it was dark and the only light came from a small crack in the ceiling. She looked towards the light, attempting to find the source. Just the minute light hurt her head. She grumbled and put her head in her hands and rubbed her eyes a bit, but the pain did not go away. Slowly, she stood up and tried to take a step forward, but her foot did not move. She looked down and tried again, but she was too dizzy to see the problem. Her foot was chained to a rusty metal pole that appeared to be an old water pump.
She sat back down and slightly cocked her head at the sight of the metal trapping her ankle. She ran her finger along the edge of the chain. She pulled on the lock and hit the keyhole on the pump. Failing to do anything more than frighten herself more, she let go of the lock and looked around the room, or whatever it was.
What the hell is going on, she thought to herself.

The only things she could clearly see were a few boxes, what appeared to be a thermostat, a small table, a rug, and a small couch. She thought about getting up to go to the boxes and seeing what was in them, but she was scared to find out and didn’t know if the chain would allow her.
She’d seen this on television before. She saw the girls screaming and the capturers killing them for it. She had to take the risk. Through all will power, she screamed, “Help me! Please! Somebody! Anybody! Help me! My name is Alyse Smith! Help me! I don’t know where I am and I-.” Just then a tall, lanky man came down the small stairway to the place she was on the floor, holding a belt in his hands. She shuddered. He smiled and came to her, kneeled and tuned the belt in his hands. She opened her mouth to speak, but he put his finger over his lips.

“My name… well, my name,” he hesitated, “is Eric. Now Alyse, darling Alyse,” Eric said in a voice so tender, she could’ve mistaken him for her father, “don’t scream, don’t yell, and don’t try to escape. I WILL catch you. You WILL suffer.” He shook his head, eyes cast downward. He looked up, making sure to keep his head down. “Alyse, darling, don’t be frightened. I’m a nice guy.” He smiled, enjoying her pain. He took the belt and began looping it around his blue pants. He looked up at her, his bottom lip protruding. “Please believe me.” He picked up his hand to brush aside a piece of hair from Alyse’s face. She jumped back, tripping over the chain.

“Where am I?” Alyse demanded to know. She waited, but he didn’t answer. Rather, he stared at her foot. “Hello? Where am I? Please…” she said between sobs, “…tell me. I have a family. I-” He slapped her across the face, throwing her to the ground in tears.
“YOU LIAR! YOU GODDAMN LIAR! YOU THINK YOU CAN LIE TO ME? I KNOW YOU ALYSE!” Eric’s face was red with fury. Alyse buried her head in her arms and turned onto her stomach. “Tssk Tssk” He scolded. “Eat your goddamn food. I made sure the chain can reach the table. Learn to behave, and maybe it’ll come off.” With that he went back up the stairs and out the door. She heard the click. She was trapped and she knew it.
Alyse knew she had lied, she knew she had not had a family. Alyse was an orphan, both parents dead, no husband or even boyfriend, and definitely no children. She told people she was happy, but in truth, she was miserable. She would sit for hours crying and saw therapists regularly, but to no prevail. She was still depressed. She was still angry. And she was still lonely.

She saw the table at the foot of the couch, only an arms length away from her. She reached for the small plate, but her arm recoiled in pain. Slowly she stretched out again and grabbed the plate. She stared at the sandwich on the plate and took off the bread to inspect the fillings. Lettuce, tomato, ham, and cheese.

Hmmmm… Should I eat this? Alyse wondered. If it’s poison…
It was only then she realized how hungry she was. She took a small bite and began to cough and spit the piece on the floor and put the plate back on the table. The plate made a loud clank against the metal strip in the table. The door swung open and Eric stormed down. He had a tie on and one arm in his jacket. As he stormed down the stairs, his arm slipped out of the sleeve and fell to the floor.

“What the hell is going on down here?” Eric screamed at the top of his lungs. “Karissa is having a fi-“ He stopped.

“Who’s that?” Alyse asked. “Who’s Karissa?”

“NO ONE!” Eric screamed. “Damn! Damn! Damn!” And with that, Eric turned around, and walked up the stairs, violently scooping up his jacket on the way. Alyse smiled for the first time in a while. She had knowledge. She knew something she wasn’t supposed to know. That was power.

Upstairs, Alyse could hear Eric screaming at himself and throwing things. Then an unfamiliar voice caught Alyse’s attention. A break in Eric’s rambling. A woman. Could it be Karissa? Alyse thought. She couldn’t hear very well, but she heard bits and pieces.

“You did what? –Why? –You-I can’t believe! – Eric! – She’ll know - about the- THIRD- Consequences!” Alyse heard the woman say.

Then she heard something different, another voice, another man. “Are you helping us or her? This girl is not the type to make friends with! And you know that, especially not now!” He yelled loudly. Alyse knew Eric had made a mistake by mentioning Karissa.

“Shut up! She’ll hear you!” the-might-be Karissa yelled.

Alyse’s eyelids began to droop and she fought to stay awake, but was sleeping in a matter of minutes.

Alyse was woken by a sharp pain in her ribs. She went to wrap her arms around her stomach, but was kicked in the arm. No wonder She thought. Alyse sat straight up and attempted to stand. At first she tipped into the wall, but after swaying and wobbling a bit, regained her balance. Eric stared her in the face, smelling of alcohol and smoke. Just like the first guy Alyse thought. Always smoking. He was a nice guy under it all. Good old Scott.

“What the hell are you looking at?” Eric spit at her. He obviously had too much to drink. His breath was rank and he was staggering about, seemingly tripping over his own feet. Alyse looked down at his aggressive footwork. He smiled victoriously. He looked at her and Alyse saw something she had not seen in a long time; sorrow, compassion, and understanding. He is human. She thought. “What?” He laughed, seeing her holding her stomach, bent over in pain. Maybe not, She thought silently.

“I’m hurt… bad.” Alyse said in a barely audible whisper, and then added, “You know if you unchain me, I won’t try anything. I promise.” She watched him weigh the pros and cons of releasing her.
“No.” She began to argue, but he held up his hand. “Not yet.”

She accepted it, hoping that her good behavior would get her points with Eric. Maybe he’s just the middle man. Maybe he doesn’t want to do this. Alyse thought. He stared into her big green eyes with squinted brown eyes. She felt her plan was working. She wanted him to think that she felt bad for him. Inside, she wanted to slit his throat. He turned to leave.

“Wait!” Alyse yelled. He spun on his heels. “What are you going to do with me?” Her eyes began to water and before she knew it, she was in tears.



MORE TO COME IF YOU LIKE THIS!!!!
Pandora

Now it seems to me how you're trying to display the situation is that she wakes up, is confused, ponders a bit, looks around the room, and then realizes her situation is similar to those she's seen on TV. Now she starts screaming!

That doesn't seem right...any real person, waking up confused, and then finding themselves chained. Wouldn't look around the room pondering, but start screaming immediately. At least I would. Obviously she is dazed and wouldn't take time to use common sense and figure out that maybe screaming isn't the best idea. Play along natural human tendencies a bit more...

Okay, now you say she starts screaming and this lurpy dude comes down the stairs with a belt in his hand. You say she shuddered...thats it? She shuddered, are you kidding me? I would really get scared, maybe back into a corner, start crying as he talks. And, maybe even attack the guy, heck obviously she's confused, don't you think she's a little out of her mind at the moment. Plus you state that she is in therapy later on.

To me, it sounds like he has one of those voices where its an evil yet patronizing voice. Which are two opposite ends of the spectrum, making it even scarier.

Now you have her freak out a bit later, crying, and such. But for me, I think the reaction is a bit late, possibly.

Okay, now she starts talking about a family...is this significant? What is the purpose, of her lying about this. It seems to me, that the only reason you have this is because you're trying to show that she's an orphan, and then you show us that this guy is spastic about her lying. Seems like its kind of a weird way to show these two things to me. Unless of course having this is very significant, if it is than you can tell me to eat my words.

Maybe show that she is an orphan in some other way. Like when the guy leaves she breaks down into tears, knowing that nobody cares about her because she is an orphan. Just a suggestion, there is nothing necessarily wrong with how you did it.

She looked towards the light, attempting to find the source. Just the minute light hurt her head.

Just the minute light hurt her head...now either I'm stupid (which is likely) or this is written wrong. I have no idea what you're trying to say with that sentence.

Hmmmm… Should I eat this? Alyse wondered. If it’s poison…
It was only then she realized how hungry she was. She took a small bite and began to cough and spit the piece on the floor and put the plate back on the table.

Umm...why did she cough? Was it poison? I'm a bit confused here...you just kind of left me hanging not knowing whether it was poison or she just sporadically coughs at random in her life

Next bit...Eric storms down the stairs and is pissed off again... Does this guy have anger management problems? I mean to me, it was just a plate.

“NO ONE!” Eric screamed. “Damn! Damn! Damn!” And with that, Eric turned around, and walked up the stairs, violently scooping up his jacket on the way. Alyse smiled for the first time in a while. She had knowledge. She knew something she wasn’t supposed to know. That was power.

To me...this paragraph seemed kind of retarded at the end. That was power? She hears the name Karissa, and thats power? That doesn't sit right with me, maybe she becomes curious, but I don't think she's cocky and stupid enough that she thinks knowing the name Karissa brings her power. Not how you describe her with the therapy and being an orphan.

Shut up! She’ll hear you!” the-might-be Karissa yelled.

Alyse’s eyelids began to droop and she fought to stay awake, but was sleeping in a matter of minutes.

Okay, you are having her fall asleep after she is really trying to listen to their conversation? I don't think anyone in her situation would really fall asleep, she may be tired. But her situation is very dire and so why would you fall asleep when listening to your captors. They could say something important.

If you really want to have her fall asleep, have the captors leave the room above and then she falls asleep while thinking what to do or something. But how you did it was awkward.

Eric stared her in the face, smelling of alcohol and smoke. Just like the first guy Alyse thought. Always smoking. He was a nice guy under it all. Good old Scott.

Just like the first guy? This is all a nice flashback, but it takes away from the situation at hand. It diverts the reader's attention and doesn't belong there in my opinion.

I don't like this section...

“What the hell are you looking at?” Eric spit at her. He obviously had too much to drink. His breath was rank and he was staggering about, seemingly tripping over his own feet. Alyse looked down at his aggressive footwork. He smiled victoriously. He looked at her and Alyse saw something she had not seen in a long time; sorrow, compassion, and understanding. He is human. She thought. “What?” He laughed, seeing her holding her stomach, bent over in pain. Maybe not, She thought silently.

“I’m hurt… bad.” Alyse said in a barely audible whisper, and then added, “You know if you unchain me, I won’t try anything. I promise.” She watched him weigh the pros and cons of releasing her.
“No.” She began to argue, but he held up his hand. “Not yet.”

Its confusing because I'm not sure whether in Eric's drunken state he's mad or sad, or happy? You say he spat what're you looking at, and then he laughed saying what. Then on top of that you say she saw sorrow, compassion and understanding in him...You have five different emotions in one guy at once, I realize the guy's drunk, but I don't think anyone's emotions should change that much in a pargarph

She accepted it, hoping that her good behavior would get her points with Eric. Maybe he’s just the middle man. Maybe he doesn’t want to do this. Alyse thought. He stared into her big green eyes with squinted brown eyes. She felt her plan was working. She wanted him to think that she felt bad for him. Inside, she wanted to slit his throat. He turned to leave.

“Wait!” Alyse yelled. He spun on his heels. “What are you going to do with me?” Her eyes began to water and before she knew it, she was in tears.

Again, you fluctuate emotions a lot. First you have her accepting the guy and seeing that maybe he's just a middle man, but then you tell us she wants to slit his throat, and finally, you tell us she's bursting into tears. You have acception, hate, and sorrow all mixed together.

Whoooeee...What a story! I actually liked it, you definitely have talent, and with some editing this story could be a lot better than it already is The whole thing is interesting, and I'm wondering how things will turn out.

I'm sorry that I kind of rambled, I tend to do that while I'm reading through the story. But now I'll sum up on some major points that I noticed.

#1- You have so many mixed emotions in your character that I'm really quite unsure what to feel for her...

#2- A lot of your character's reactions don't seem like how a regular person would react. Very present in the beginning for me.

#3- Basically all I've determined about your character's so far is...we have this orphan girl who can't decide on her emotions and how to react, and then we have this spastic guy who loves to freak out.

Overall it intrigued me, keep up the great work. Hopefully my points made sense, sometimes I'm wrong, so feel free to correct me

Well, I wrote that she only shuddered, because like I said before, she was chained. She could barely move, let alone back into a corner.

Also, the word 'minute' does not mean only time, it also means very small.

I did have a bit of trouble with emotions.

And the reason he freaks out when she lies is because he's watching her, and the orphan thing is because she finds out later in the story that her father is in on the kidnapping.

I didn't really want to give it away.

Pandora

I reread my message earlier ^^^ and saw that in the explanation of the orphan thing, I said her father was in on it, but in the actual story, I said he died. Let me explain it better.

Her father was said to be dead, along with her mother, but it was not her real father who was dead. Her REAL father was just scared to come forward.

Pandora

First, don't just continue it because we like it. That would be bad. Continue it despite what we like because you like it. That's a better method.

In the beginning there are too many she's, especially in the second paragraph. Okay... I lied. It's not the she's that make it so awkward, but it's the fact that she did this, she did that, sort of thing. After a while, the repetition gets a little much (and this is from the queen of repetition talking!)

Next, you're going to have to show us what the conflict is better. It's a little confusing at the moment...

And OMG. Eric. We should probably go into that, no?

Right now, he's the evil sadistic guy. But he's not quite sadistic either because he keeps on making mistakes, such as the Karissa one. Which makes me wonder how Eric's pulled it off in the first place. And then the drunk scene...

Now, I've researched alcohol (I was considering making a bad drunk), but there are so many other types of drunks besides abusive drunks that it's kind of strange that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who is evil and who drinks suddenly because even worse. I don't know... slightly too cliched of a character, I guess? And remember, if you do want to make him abusive, that there are many forms of abuse. You might want to research that. So figure out what he does when he gets drunk and try to flesh out his character a little more.

Good start though. ^_^