Young Writers Society

As the battle continued to streak on, Firecrow snuck under the rough raised section in the lower right hand section his village. As he crawled under the hatch and across the section of the no longer chasm, Firecrow noticed the princess dressed as a boy ready for war. The one he secretly loved. As the archers continued to shoot their arrows at our village, Chief Cenacle came out into the center of things. He ordered men to find out what the Canos were planning next. “I will get credit for this,” thought Firecrow, “and maybe Myakka’s hand in marriage.” The young man was overwhelmed with joy and determination. He was thinking so much that he didn’t notice the Cano’s leader in front of him.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here, a little spy? Thank you for showing us a way across, but those trees will do just fine…Wildwood!”

“Yes, Boss?”

“Take this man away.” As Wildwood tried to take Firecrow away, he thought up an idea.

“You don’t understand. I want to join The Canos’ tribe! I’m not a spy.” The puzzled expression on the chief’s face made Firecrow think he had a chance.

“Fine, but to prove your loyalty, you must let a poison dart frog sit on your arm, with a slit across the elbow. If you even twitch, you will become the Canos’ new target practice.”

As Firecrow was taken back to the Canos’ village, he thought about what this might mean. He thought of the things that might happen while he was gone. Would his village be destroyed? Would the Ankhs’ be destroyed? Would his chances with Myakka be destroyed? Would his family be separated, or worse, would one of them die? The chances were against Firecrow. Firecrow started wondering if he should forget his old life. No! He mustn’t. As the world spun around him he noticed something strange. The pole he was tied to wasn’t spinning, something was utterly wrong! But it was too late; he didn’t see the Fer De Lance with its mouth open, fangs dripping with venom. A drop dripped into his mouth, and barely nicked his tongue. As soon as it hit his tongue, his head flipped back as if he was a marionette and a string had just snapped.

When he awoke the pole he was tied to was stuck in the ground with archers loaded and staring at him.

“Wait, I’m alive! Don’t shoot, don’t kill me!” But none besides Wildwood seemed to notice.

“FIRE!” was yelled by a deep voice behind the row of archers.

“Wait, he spoke, the target, he spoke!” Wildwood yelled. Fortunately the arrows weren’t flying at Firecrow, but now they were flying at the one who had saved his life. Luckily all the arrows missed, besides one that hit him in the lower thigh. Wildwood screamed out in pain.

“Who shot that arrow?! Get Wildwood to the medical center! As for you archers, you will all be in the same test as this Firecrow, unless one of you admits who shot him.” This was the voice of the chief. The archers forced a younger one forward who was tied to the pole Firecrow was tied to. Luckily for the boy, his arrow tip cut right through the rope and he ran away. Firecrow never saw him again.

Firecrow was untied and was brought to a village he had never seen before. The village had huge trees inside and outside of buildings. There were stairs leading up in the tallest tree he had ever seen. It ended at a hut on the top. In the room he saw a birdcage which had a magnificent hawk that was as red, orange, and yellow as Firecrow’s Mohawk.

“His name is Bull’s Eye. He was named this because he rips out his prey’s eyeballs, makes holes in them and uses them as decorations on his cage. Once they rot, he eats them.” said Wildwood. Firecrow could see lines of eyeballs on the bars on the other side of the cage. Wildwood was now staring at him like a star of a three ring circus and the show was about to begin. Firecrow was pushed into the room and heard the key clink chink in the doorknob. Firecrow was locked in a room with a deadly bird. Bull’s Eye started screeching and opened the lock of his cage. He flew at Firecrow with intense speed. Firecrow did the only thing he could think of, he started whistling! The bird stopped and hovered in position for a second then started flying straight at Firecrow. “I guess my goose is cooked, goodbye world.” Firecrow said. Then unexpectedly Bull’s Eye swooped up and instead of poking out his eyes, he grabbed Firecrow’s arms and carried him through the window. They flew straight to the Ankh village to find a huge battle roaring on.

Firecrow climbed onto one of the trees that were laid across the chasm. Then he found the Canos’ chief and Firecrow’s father, Avatar, in a deep swordfight. Then the Canos’ leader took at swing at Firecrow’s fathers’ legs, who jumped over it. This was just what the chief wanted. Using the sword as a baseball bat he knocked Avatar right off the log. Avatar was able to grab unto a vine clinging to the bottom of the log. Firecrow was furious. Pushing off some of the Canos, he reached the chief. His fathers’ blade was stuck in the bottom of the log. Firecrow started whistling a melody. Bull’s Eye, who had become Firecrow’s best friend, started tearing at the chief’s eyes. Meanwhile Firecrow swung around on the log and grabbed his father’s legs. He threw stab after stab at the chief who was nimbly dodging them. Then Firecrow remembered what the young archer had done. “Pretend to lose, only to win!” Firecrow thought to himself. He pretended to fall off the log yet hung on to the bottom. He shimmied across the underside of the log. He then swung himself back up and stabbed the Chief right in the back. The chief fell and shared a grave with his father. Firecrow had won the battle! He was granted Myakka’s hand in marriage and became the first Ankh village guardian

I'm Grif and I'm here to help.

The first thing I noticed about this story was that it was very hard to follow the movements of the characters. This is because the setting isn't established well.

It isn't clear if it is day or night, if they are in a forest, a desert, a valley, or on a mountain. We don't know if their enemies announced their intentions, or if they attacked by surprise.

The first sentence tells us where he is in the village, not what the village looks like, or where he is in relation to the battle.

There are other things, there isn't a description on weather, or seasons.

Because of this lack of description, this is what your world looks like to the reader.



So, your character can move in any direction you want, but in the end we're stuck with this blank grid.

It's like you had a map of the village with you when you were writing. All I want is for you to do is to put that map into words.

I also noticed that you're telling us what the character is doing, instead of showing us.

This is a pity because showing expresses more than telling. You can tell your character is a soldier, or you can show us his weapons. You can tell us he's in love with someone, or you can show him looking in her direction.

It takes longer than telling, but the result is that the story is told clearly and concisely. It looks like a mental movie, instead of some person talking to you.

If you make the story more clear, then it might make it easier to find some of the more difficult errors.

HOLY Quacimoli!!! This is way to fast for a reader to understand. Who is Wildwood? Where is Firecrow's village? Is it in the montains or the desert? What does Firecrow look like? Why is his village being attcked? These questions must be answered, otherwise your readers will go on lost or not go on at all. I know I'm not going to continue reading your story until I can understand the beginning of it.. No offence, just trying to help.

Jearjioe.

Red = Replacement
Blue = Comment

blackwings_angel wrote:As the battle continued to streak on, Firecrow snuck under the rough raised section in the lower right hand section Get rid of one of the 'section's in the sentence, and I think you're missing the word: 'of' his village. I don't understand what you mean by raised. Raised like hilly, or raised like on stilts to avoid flood damage? Being able to sneak under it would mean the latter? Explain if you would. It needs to be reworked, never the less. The setting isn't established well because you're using right/left to show us where things are. 'Firecrow snuck under the rough, raised section at the southeastern edge of his village.' for example. But I still don't understand the rough, raised part. As he crawled under the hatch and across the section of the no longer chasm, I'm only getting more and more confused with the setting as you go. [tell-ish]Firecrow noticed the princess dressed as a boy ready for war. The one he secretly loved. [/tell-ish] As the archers continued to shoot their arrows at our village, Where are these archers? Where is Firecrow? Is he in any danger? Chief Cenacle came out into the center of things. [tell] He ordered men to find out what the Canos were planning next. [/tell] “I will get credit for this,” thought Firecrow, “and maybe Myakka’s hand in marriage.” The young man was overwhelmed with joy and determination. He was thinking so much that he didn’t notice the Cano’s leader in front of him. Where are we!? Where is the Chief in the center of?

“Well, well, well, what do we have here, a little spy? Thank you for showing us a way across, but those trees will do just fine…Wildwood!” Going straight from the chief's address to a hostile confrontation without a transition that somehow explains what is going on is a no no. Something about trees?

“Yes, Boss?”

“Take this man away.” As Wildwood tried to take Firecrow away, he thought up an idea. Take him away from where? Why? Is this in the middle of the war, if so, why wouldn't Wildwood have immediately slaughtered or captured Firecrow without needing orders? Is Firecrow alone, because by the dialogue it seems like they're alone in an empty house as opposed to a tribal war battlefield. Setting. Work on it. Don't detail every step, just clarify the basic surroundings. 'There were two men, one taller then the other, standing like statues opposite the village. They stared as the arrows flew down to sow death-from-above throughout his tribal land. Firecrow knew the garb that the taller one wore, it was the Canos' tribe leader, this was his chance. *Insert random 'he went there' sentence here.*' Something to that effect. Seriously, I don't know what's going on.

“You don’t understand. I want to join The Canos’ tribe! I’m not a spy.” The puzzled expression on the chief’s face made Firecrow think he had a chance.



“Fine, but to prove your loyalty, you must let a poison dart frog sit on your arm, with a slit across the elbow. If you even twitch, you will become the Canos’ new target practice.”

As Firecrow was taken back to the Canos’ village, he thought about what this might mean. He thought of the things that might happen while he was gone. Would his village be destroyed? Would the Ankhs’ be destroyed? Would his chances with Myakka be destroyed? Would his family be separated, or worse, would one of them die? The chances were against Firecrow. Firecrow started wondering if he should forget his old life. No! He mustn’t. As the world spun around him he noticed something strange. The pole he was tied to wasn’t spinning, something was utterly wrong! But it was too late; he didn’t see the Fer De Lance with its mouth open, fangs dripping with venom. A drop dripped into his mouth, and barely nicked his tongue. As soon as it hit his tongue, his head flipped back as if he was a marionette and a string had just snapped. When in the story did it say he was going to be tied to a pole? When did it say he was being tied?

When he awoke the pole he was tied to was stuck in the ground with archers loaded and staring at him.

“Wait, I’m alive! Don’t shoot, don’t kill me!” But none besides Wildwood seemed to notice.

“FIRE!” was yelled by a deep voice behind the row of archers.

“Wait, he spoke, the target, he spoke!” Wildwood yelled. Fortunately the arrows weren’t flying at Firecrow, but now they were flying at the one who had saved his life. Luckily all the arrows missed, besides one that hit him in the lower thigh. Wildwood screamed out in pain.

“Who shot that arrow?! Get Wildwood to the medical center! As for you archers, you will all be in the same test as this Firecrow, unless one of you admits who shot him.” This was the voice of the chief. The archers forced a younger one forward who was tied to the pole Firecrow was tied to. Luckily for the boy, his arrow tip cut right through the rope and he ran away. Firecrow never saw him again. We don't know anything about what Wildwood or the chief look like. Or how, in this war, these tribes are differentiated from each other in battle.

Firecrow was untied and was brought to a village he had never seen before. The village had huge trees inside and outside of buildings. There were stairs leading up in the tallest tree he had ever seen. It ended at a hut on the top. In the room he saw a birdcage which had a magnificent hawk that was as red, orange, and yellow as Firecrow’s Mohawk.

“His name is Bull’s Eye. He was named this because he rips out his prey’s eyeballs, makes holes in them and uses them as decorations on his cage. Once they rot, he eats them.” said Wildwood. Firecrow could see lines of eyeballs on the bars on the other side of the cage. Wildwood was now staring at him like a star of a three ring circus Is this simile relevant to Firecrow as a tribesman, presumably a 'savage', would he know what a circus is? and the show was about to begin. Firecrow was pushed into the room and heard the key clink chink How does one ascend stairs up to a hut without a single sentence saying so? clink chink? 'click twice', maybe? in the doorknob. Firecrow was locked in a room with a deadly bird. Bull’s Eye started screeching and opened the lock of his cage. He flew at Firecrow with intense speed. Firecrow did the only thing he could think of, he started whistling! The bird stopped and hovered in position for a second then started flying straight at Firecrow. “I guess my goose is cooked, goodbye world.” Firecrow said. Then unexpectedly Bull’s Eye swooped up and instead of poking out his eyes, he grabbed Firecrow’s arms and carried him through the window. They flew straight to the Ankh village to find a huge battle roaring on. Why is Firecrow in the cage with Bull's Eye? Did he pass or fail the test? What's going on!?!? ... Mommy... ?

Wasn't Firecrow in Bull's Eye's clutches the last time we knew? Firecrow climbed onto one of the trees that were laid across the chasm. Then he found the Canos’ chief and Firecrow’s father, Avatar, in a deep swordfight. Then the Canos’ leader took at swing at Firecrow’s fathers’ legs, who jumped over it. Umm, wasn't the Canos' leader back at the village, since he was there to attend to Wildwood being shot? This was just what the chief wanted. Using the sword as a baseball bat Is this a relevant simile in a tribal battle? he knocked Avatar right off the log. They were on a log? Avatar was able to grab unto a vine clinging to the bottom of the log. There were vines in the chasm? Firecrow was furious. Pushing off some of the Canos, he reached the chief. His fathers’ blade was stuck in the bottom of the log. Firecrow started whistling a melody. Bull’s Eye, who had become Firecrow’s best friend, started tearing at the chief’s eyes. This seems much too abrupt. If Firecrow had been forced to lodge with the bird for days, and gradually befriended it, this might not surprise me, since it was in a cage because of the Canos' tribe. But it just seems to happen for the sake of the story. Meanwhile Firecrow swung around on the log and grabbed his father’s legs. He threw stab after stab at the chief who was nimbly dodging them. I thought the chief was being clawed at by Bull's Eye. Then Firecrow remembered what the young archer had done. “Pretend to lose, only to win!” Firecrow thought to himself. We never found out that Firecrow took notice of this archer that demonstrated this lesson. I don't even know what you're talking about... What archer? He pretended to fall off the log yet hung on to the bottom. He shimmied across the underside of the log. So, this log is over the Chasm? He then swung himself back up and stabbed the Chief right in the back. The chief fell and shared a grave with his father. Firecrow had won the battle! Telling isn't -so- bad at the end of a short story... He was granted Myakka’s hand in marriage and became the first Ankh village guardian.

I really just don't know what is going on. I can see this being written well, you have some good ideas. Sadly, it's not being shown well, or at all in some cases.

Good spelling, good names, good ideas, relatively good grammar.

Little description, names thrown at us, confusing, tell-ish.

Think about showing the reader, rather then telling. Also, read through what you write, say it out loud, does it make sense?