Young Writers Society

"I hate you mum!"

I slammed the door hard, the old and rotten building shook and the door cracked at the side. I let out a long and painful sigh. My backpack was heavy, I had stuffed in all my clean clothes and some chocolate and rolls into it. I knew the rolls were squashed and my clothes were crinkly but I didn't care. Just like I didn't care for my mum's feelings. She had hurt me too, so much more than those rollsThat doesn't make sense, why did the rolls hurt her?. Those words that came out of my mouth were 69% true, of course you'd still love them a bit even if they murdered your pet dog. That was what my mum did. But instead she tied him up somewhere, so that he could starve. Why? Does she have a reason? Or is she just insane? You should elaborate somewhere in your piece



I knew where my mum would put him, it was kind of simple really. There was an old town four miles from this one. No one lived in it anymore. I didn't really know why, something bad must of happenedShould be 'must have happened' if no one wanted to live there! I started to walk down the path, my mum opened the door and screamed my name, How did her mother scream her name? Angrily? Apologetically?

"Ashleigh!"

I ignored her, tears fell down my face. After I found my dog I was going to live somewhere else, I knew we wouldn't manage, it was impossibleMaybe you should put a defiant statement like 'But it was better than staying there'. My feet quickly paced across the lawn and onto the main street, my mum still shouted my name. I ignored her, my back stayed turned as soon as I knew she was out of siteshould be 'sight'.



The journey took a long time, my legs had become jelly and I could no longer walk at the pace I first started off atMaybe you should change it to 'I couldn't maintain the same pace' or somethign along those lines. Though I didn't stop to sit down, I carried on. He was like the brother I longed for. Okay so he was a dog, but deep inside me I knew he wasn't just that. Ryan was like my soul mate A peculiar name for a dog. Never would we spend five minutes without each other. Sometimes at school he would follow me. I smiled and carried on walking. I could suddenly smell the dampness of the old town. It wasn't long now. The countryside was beautiful, the fluffy clouds eating the green grass and the birds singin in the nearby trees. Luckly it was a beautiful day. The weather showed no depression what so ever. I found a need to use the toliet. I had never really thought of actullay peeing outsideI don't think this sentence fits in and takes the reader out of the mood you're trying to create. I saw a perfect spot and ran to it.



I ran over to the nearby trees across the sheep and their lunch. I looked over and saw a tail. It wasn't moving. I pulled back more leaves, I saw a body of the dog. My heart suddenly stopped, the markings were from my dog. My need to go to the toliet again, it takes away from the story, we don't want to know about her need to pee, we want to know about the dog suddenly vanished as I pulled back more of the leaves, there lay my dog. I let out a scream, sure he would wake up. Nothing moved, not even a flitch in his ears. I knew he was dead. I hated my mum even more. I came that way for nothing, I came to see my soulmate lying dead...



A twig snapped near by, someone was close. And I knew who it was. My mum. How does she know? Maybe describe that she could smell her mother's perfume or something

"I'm so sorry!" She cried,

I looked at her, anger only showed.

"I didn't mean to..." She continued. Why did she?

My frown disappeared. I took a step back, keeping my eyes off my brother.

"You killed him?!"

"I'm sorry.."

"Shut up! I hate you even more!" I screamed,

Tears fell down my cheeks like waves, nothing could of got worse than that. My life was over, my dog was dead.