Young Writers Society

Like I've said this is the first piece of fiction that I've attempted to write. I've not given thought to character development or anything - I'm good at that, regularly invent characters without any sort of plot. This is mainly to see how my plot works. I would like a lot of constructive critism seeing as this is my very first attempt. So please... fire when ready.

It was written for a contest, but I wanted to see what kind of reception it would get when analysed. So here goes.

Michael awoke prematurely; the beads of perspiration were running in streams down his face into his mouth – the bitter taste of salt was nothing compared to what was to come. He stumbled out of his bed; he went over to the curtains and pulled them apart, expecting to see thunder, and torrential downpour. Ironically, the sky was clear and the air was humid. Then, the clunking fist punched his door just once. Michael knew immediately what that meant.

“So, is this it?” enquired Hannah. Michael had been unaware that she had woken up; he had other things on his mind. While reaching underneath his bed to pull out his kit, Michael nodded. Never before had he worried so much. As he got dressed Hannah kissed him on the neck, knowing that he would never have the opportunity to tell her again he spoke of his “undying love” for her. Undying? His sardonic choice of words was entertaining to say the least. It was the break of dawn – the moment of reckoning! He departed without uttering another word.

“Knife? Check. Blowtorch? Check….” Michael said while he checked his rucksack, he was prepared. However, he knew that his rivals would be prepared too perhaps more so. The motorcade pulled up down the main street, in a few moments he would need to make his move.

“NOW!” A rugged unknown shouted - this perplexed Michael.
He had known that there would be competition; after all he was only one of a whole army of assassins. He hoped he would be stealth about it, that he could stick to his own plan but the rivals had pre-empted him.

“Damnit” he cursed as he charged down the street with his equipment.

The motorcade came to a halt and the bodyguards go out, the aimed their weapons at the prey.

The competition emerged from the shadows.

One down, Michael used his sawn-off shotgun to kill, the lifeless corpse collapsed reminiscent a baronets with it’s strings cut. He could see that the bodyguards had been taken down – things just got interesting.

Only three assassins remained; Michael was heavily weakened when he was stabbed to the calf. The others knew that he would be done for. The tallest of the pair walked over smugly to finish the job, he grabbed him and using his own blowtorch burned his wound. Michael tried to stifle his screams but the searing pain was unbearable, he let out a horrific squeal. Using the knife the other chopped away his two index fingers. “I’d like to see him pull the trigger now!” One laughed - to Michael’s horror - these assassins were, and always were working together.

Then, the two most angelic noises he’s ever had the good fortune of hearing. His ordeal was over, his captors were crumpled to the floor and Hannah with a smoking pistol smiled.

“Thanks, love, now… lets finish the job” gleefully instructed Michael still wincing in the extreme pain.

“No!” One solitary gunshot was fired. Michael’s eyes were still bright, but he would never see out of them again. “I’ll finish it myself.” Hannah proclaimed, as she opened the car door, looking into the eyes of her next victim.

Hey there! I really enjoyed reading this. It was pretty cool, and I thought I'd go ahead and break down my crit line-by-line. It may not be the best though; I have to leave soon. But I will give you the best I can.

I would like a lot of constructive critism seeing as this is my very first attempt. So please... fire when ready.

Aye, capi-ton. [captain]:wink:

Then, the clunking fist punched his door just once.

Word choice: 'A' would probably do much better here, since we [the reader] don't know who is at the door just yet.

As he got dressed, Hannah kissed him on the neck...

Punctuation: You need a comma after 'dressed'.

...knowing that he would never have the opportunity to tell her again he spoke of his “undying love” for her.

Eh.. you should probably re-word this a bit. You've combinded your sentences with a mixed variety of words, making it a bit hard to understand what you are trying to say here. Do you mean:

As he got dressed, Hannah kissed him on the neck. Knowing that he would never have the opportunity to tell her again, he spoke of his “undying love” for her.

Or do you mean:

As he got dressed, Hannah kissed him on the neck, knowing that he would never again have the opportunity to tell of his “undying love” for her.

It reads a bit clearer... it does to me at least. To others, your way may be perfectly fine.

Michael said while he checked his rucksack...

Word choice: Try using 'listed'. 'Said' works, but 'listed' is just a little bit better.

...; he was prepared.

Punctuation: You had a comma where either a semicolon or period was needed.

However, he knew that his rivals would be prepared too [color=blue],perhaps more so.

Punctuation: You needed a comma after 'too'.

The motorcade pulled up down the main street; in a few moments he would need to make his move.

Again, either a semicolon or period was needed after street.

“NOW!”

This could just be me being nitpicky, but it is preferred that you not use caps on your words. That is what the narration is for; tell us he yelled or screamed it. (Which you already did)

after all, he was only one of a whole army of assassins.

Punctuation: Comma after 'all'.

“Damnit” he cursed...

Oh my gosh, I just had a brain fart. But after 'damnit', there should be either a period or comma within the end quote marks. It's one of the two, I just lost my mind there for a second.

...bodyguards go[color=purple]t out; they aimed their weapons at the prey.

Mispelling: You left out both the 't' in 'got' and the 'y' in 'they'. Be sure to proofread your work before posting.
Punctuation: You used a comma instead of a period or semicolon again.

One down, Michael used his sawn-off shotgun to kill, the lifeless corpse collapsed reminiscent a baronets with it’s strings cut.

Wording again. Try:

One down. Michael used his sawn-off shotgun to kill. The lifeless corpse collapsed, reminiscent, a baronet with its strings cut.

...I think. Lol. It made sense to me! Also, when using the word 'its', you don't need to add an apostr. between the 't' and the 's' unless you using it as slang for 'it is'.

Michael was heavily weakened when [s]he was [/s]stabbed to the calf.

The tallest of the pair walked over smugly to finish the job, he grabbed him and using his own blowtorch burned his wound.

The way you have 'smugly' in here doesn't seem to fit the sentence too well. Place it between 'pair' and 'walked'. Also, you need a semicolon after 'job', not a comma.

Michael tried to stifle his screams but the searing pain was unbearable, he let out a horrific squeal.

1. Comma after screams.
2. Period or semicolon after 'unbearable'.
3. I don't think 'squeal' is the best word. Men don't typically squeal. Cry would work better.

Using the knife, the other chopped away his two index fingers, “I’d like to see him pull the trigger now!” One laughed -to Michael’s horror - these assassins were, and always were, working together.

You missed out a few commas, and I am tempted to re-word that "One laughed -to Michael's..." line, but I'm not sure how to improve it. It seems a bit... awkward, the way it is.

Then, the two most angelic noises he’d ever had...

'He'd' not 'he's'.

Then, the two most angelic noises he’s ever had the good fortune of hearing [color=purple]sounded.

His ordeal was over, his captors were crumpled to the floor, and Hannah, with a smoking pistol,, smiled.

“Thanks, love, now… let's finish the job” Again, I forget which one, but a comma or period goes after job.gleefully instructed Michael, still wincing in [s]the[/s] extreme pain.

Hannah proclaimed, as she opened the car door, looking into the eyes of her next victim.

Punctuation: Remove the comma after 'proclaimed'.

So...... it's over. Lol I hope I did that correctly; you are the first person I've crititqued. (I haven't been on in forever) Overall, I enjoyed this little piece. It had a nice flow, wasn't too rushed. *nods* Pretty good. What you should work on the most is your punctuation.

You need to know when to use a comma and when to use a period. I would elaborate more, but I've got to go now. If I get the chance, I will come back and explain a bit more... unless someone else does it for me.

Good job with this.

-Eric

Thanks for the advice, you say it didn't seem rushed. But, I wrote it in like 20/30mins. So, I'm proud that it was well recieved.

I'll review my punctuation before I get to work on another piece. And, certainly, will proof-read my work before posting - which I didn't really do.

I love the concept. Very interesting.

Your execution, however, could be better--the action seems unclear, almost as if looking into muddy water. None of the characters really get an introduction, and the setting is never really established.

You say you're not worried about character development, but it IS key to a successful story, even one not driven as much by your characters.

The story is very short, yes, but it could be benefited both in length and in content by having more thoroughly thought out characters.

The acts of betrayal and mystery are great, but they are so quick in succession that the impact is not really felt by the reader until the final shot, the one that kills Michael, is heard.

I think you should slow it down a bit, make it more paced and less BAM BAM BAM.

Make sense?

--Hunter

yeah I understand what you mean. But this was my entry in the "best ever death scene" competition. It was to not go over 700 words and we were told that character development wasn't important. I just wanted to see how it was recieved.

I thought that it was really good. I liked how you kept the reader wondering what was going on in the beginning. It made me want to keep reading.

The idea to this is good but I wasn't really impressed with this overall. It felt kind of rushed and I did not feel a connection with your story. You really need to focus on developing your characters more and expand on details. This will be a very strong piece if you do that.

Positives: Nice story line! That twist at the end was awesome, I loved it. Nice conflict between the male and female leads of your story. I love to see tension. It keeps the reader interested.

Editing: The first line where it says that "michael woke prematurely," I don't think prematurely is the best word choice for that kind of description of what is going on. I would try and find another word for it. Also, I got kind of lost as to what Michael is actually doing. Is this his profession? What might help is if you gave the reader clues to the setting and the time period your characters are in. That might make the story run a little smoother.

As he got dressed, Hannah kissed him on the neck knowing that,

That's the only thing I see.

Also, Michael used his sawn-off shotgun to kill, the lifeless corpse collapsed reminiscent a baronets with it’s strings cut.

How do you kill something that's already dead?

Your story was kind of confusing to me because I didn't really understand what you were talking about or why he was killing these people.

Nice work anyway.