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Mon Aug 06, 2007 2:57 am
sasquash says...



You know many would consider the human race extinct, but I know better. You see, Helion believes he is the last human being on Earth. But soon he will find he is not the only one. Far across the earth there are two other humans left on this planet, but will he find them in time before the rest of the earth does?


You see, humans were hated for enslaving most creatures of earth. You know, like goblins, elves, dwarves, etc... Eventually, they planned to overthrow the humans kingdom for there freedom. All were killed in the fire of that night, but 3 brothers.


Helion wakes up in a room in which everything is completely white. In confusion he starts yelling for help. That's when the voice sounds. Its almost an echo in his mind.

“First you must pass the phases of life and death.”


“How do I do that? Hello? What is all of this for? Whats the point??"


The room is silent except for his own breathing. The room turns dark and he falls through a trap door and lands in a black room with orange lights coming from torches lining the room. He follows the lights to find torches hanging on the walls.


“This is first of four levels that you must pass to get back to your own world. The rules are simple you will be given one weapon through out four stages, and if you break that weapon… Let’s just say you’re going to have a hard time…”


“Where’s my weapon? Hello?”
A sword and a shield drop out from above. Helion try’s to pick them up, but they are far too heavy.


“Uh… This would be the time where magic comes in handy.”


“Very well then.”


A staff dropped out of no where. As he gripped the staff, he knew exactly what he needed to do. The staff reads intentions like a book, as most humans knew. The sword and shield lift up like a feather. A thirteen foot giant with piercing red eyed appeared right in front of Helion. Slowly, he stepped back from the moss giant. Its saliva was oozing and dripping out, into umbrella sized puddles. The stench of rotting corpse and blood filled the room. In both of its hands it held a wooden club with spikes sprouting out at every possible angle. Helion tried to run, but there’s no where to go. He has to stand and fight or one third of the human race will be taken out.


“You’re kidding, this is the FIRST level?”


The Moss Giant yells and starts dashing toward him at light speed. Helion felt the urge to pick up his staff. As he did this, a blazing roar of blue fire pierced the moss giant, making a whole straight through it.If only life were so easy as for the giant to die from such things. Luckily the action seemed to be enough for The Voice because the giant vanished.


“Welcome to level two.” A voice says.


“AWWWW! You have got to be kidding me!”


A black demon with flaming blue eyes shoot out from a corner of the room followed by many others. Out of fear Helion held his staff up and the creatures backed off. He set his staff down and a blazing wind strike hits the monsters and blows them back into the corner from where they came. Helion falls yet another trap door to find himself in a black room with blue lights.

On the opposite wall he sees a door glowing white. Hellion takes a step but then realizes that that would be too easy just to walk to the door and that there is probably a catch. So……..he simply starts walking to the door. BIG mistake. A greenish sludge wraps itself rapidly around his legs and tightens.


The pressure on his legs became unbearable his mind was going blank; he didn’t know what to do. Helion heard the cracks and pops of his bones as they were torn out of the sockets. He had one thing he thought to try. Quickly thinking he raises his staff up and hit it against the sludge.


Instantly the grip loosened until it released completely. As the greenish sludge dropped back to the floor Helion’s mangled legs gave out beneath him and he fell strait to the floor. When his head hit he realized how helpless and alone he was at this very moment. While he pondered how to get out of this mess his eyesight went fuzzy and then went completely black. He awoke in the same white room he started in. Not again he thought in his head.


“Welcome you were out for an hour” came a voice in the corner. Helion doesn't even notice the man standing there. Probably because like the entire room the man was dressed in all white.Where he managed to find an all white robe, shirt, pants, belt, and boots the worlds may never know. The man swiftly approached Helion. He notices that this was no man but an elf. He had wrinkles underneath his eyes and all over his face. He had a kind but strict looking face with his eyes completely white. Elves tended to live longer than any other living being and judging by the wrinkles Helion guesses that he is around 200 years old. The elf then spoke again.


“Your fourth and final test is to see if you are worthy to live among the people of this Earth.”


“How do you plan to do that?” Helion asked.


“I will search your mind to see if you are indeed worthy.”


**tell me if its any good or not!!"
Last edited by sasquash on Wed Mar 03, 2010 3:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!
  





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Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:15 pm
Lylah says...



Interesting idea. I don't really have time to do the line by line kind of crit, but some comments I have are that you really should be showing us, not telling us. Maybe in the begginning you could describe something that is happening to the other people on earth. also, this whole thing has kindof a comic book feeling. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can get a little old after a while. In some places the emotions behind the dialogue weren't clear, and I noticed spelling/grammatical errors in a few places. I think you should develop on the idea you had more, and make what's happening a little more clear.

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Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:31 pm
Pidgin_Princess says...



It's Anelise Critique time!

Great story. I love the different phases and stuff. But you definately need some tweaking. Suggestions in BLUE, corrections in RED

You know many would consider the human race extinct, but I know better, you see, Helion believes he is the last human being on Earth.LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG ALERT!!! this sentence rambles. a lot. I just don't "feel" it. try something more like this: "Helion believes he is the last of his kind; that all human race is extinct..." this would also fit the rest of the story as it is all in third person. But soon he will find he is not the only one. Far across the earth there are two humans left on this planet, but will he find them in time before the monsters find him?monsters? what monsters? I feel left out... Helion wakes up in a room in which everything is completely white. In his? confusion he [s]will[/s] starts yelling for help. A voice comes out of thin air.


“First you must pass the phases of life and death.”


“How do I do that? Hello? Are you there?”


The room is silent except for his own breathing. The room turns dark and he falls through a trap door and lands in a black room with orange lights. What are the orange lights? lightbulbs? torches? A little expansion here would be nice.


“This is first of four levels that you must pass to get back to your own world. The rules are simple: you will be given one weapon through out [s]four levels[/s]these levels? it sounds somewhat repetitive, and if you break that weapon… Let’s just say you’re going to have a hard time…”


“Where’s my weapon? Hello?”
A sword and a shield drop out from above. Helion tries to pick them up, but they are far too heavy.


“Uh… This would be the time where magic comes in handy.”


“Very well then.”


A staff and small runes what the heck do runes have to do with this? a little explanation would be appreciated. drop out of no where. The sword and shield lift up like a feather. A Mossgiant. [s](A thirteen foot giant with piercing red eyes.)[/s] ugh. couldn't you put something along the lines of description here? "A thirteen foot beast with piercing red eyes appears in front of Helion. He takes a step back at the sight of the mossgiant..." see what I'm getting at? Its saliva was oozing and dripping out, into umbrella sized puddles. The stench of rotting corpse and blood filled the room. [s]In its right hand it held a wooden club with spikes sprouting out at every possible angle[/s]. re-wording time! this is a little too wordy. try rearranging it a bit: "It grips a wooden club..." also, the right hand isn't necessary. details don't matter in these action scenes.[/color]Helion tries to run, but there’s no where to go. He has to stand and fight or one third of the human race will be taken out. Yay! see, I like this cliffhanger paragraph. it's what keeps me reading.


“You’re kidding, this is the FIRST level?”


The Mossgiant yells and starts dashing toward him at light speed. Out of no where a fist hits him and knocks him through a wall.


“Welcome to level two.” A voice says. ok, now how did he fight that monster? it's like, fear, then BAM! fist through wall. kind of leaves me in the dark.


“AWWWW! You have to be kidding me!”


A black demon with flaming blue eyes shoots out from a corner of the room followed by many others. Out of fear he holds his staff up who holds his staff? it sounds like you're referring to a demon. and the creatures back off. He sets his staff down and a blazing wind strike hits the monsters and blows them back into the corner from where they came. Helion falls yet another trap door to find himself in a black room with blue lights.

On the opposite wall he sees a door glowing white. Hellion takes a step but then realizes that that would be too easy just to walk to the door and that there is probably a catch. So……..he simple starts walking to the door. BIG mistake. A greenish sludge wraps itself rapidly around his legs and tightens.


The pressure on his legs became unbearable his mind was going blank; he didn’t know what to do. Helion heard the cracks and pops of his bones as they were torn out of the sockets. He had one thing he thought to try. Quickly thinking he raises his staff up and hit it against the sludge.


Instantly the grip loosened until it released completely. As the greenish sludge dropped back to the floor Helion’s mangled legs gave out beneath him and he fell strait to the floor. When his head hit he realized how helpless and alone he was at this very moment. While he pondered how to get out of this mess his eyesight went fuzzy and then went completely black. He awoke in the same white room he started in. Not again he thought in his head.


“Welcome you were out for an hour” came a voice in the corner. Helion doesn't even notice the man standing there. Probably because, like the entire room, the man is dressed in [s]all[/s] white...shirts? robes? I'd like some visual.. The man swiftly comes to [s]the bedside of Helion.[/s] this makes it sound like Helion is on his deathbed. maybe more along the lines of "he approaches Helion..." He notices that this was no man but an elf. He has wrinkles underneath his eyes and all over his whole face. He has a kind but strict looking face with his eyes completely white. "completely white" has been used. "bleached white," "soft white" even plain white work as well. Helion knows elves tend[s]ed[/s] to live longer than any other living being and judging by the wrinkles Helion guesses that he is around 200 years old. The elf [s]then spoke again. [/s] begins to speak again


“Your fourth and final test is to see if you are worthy to live among the people of this Earth.”


“How do you plan to do that?” Helion asked.


“I will search your mind to see if you are indeed worthy.”

Yeah, so you need to get your story a little straightened out and expand on the action scenes. I want to feel Helion's fear.
"Do you ever think about dying?"

"No... I prefer to think about living"

--Ana's story by Jenna Bush
  





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Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:09 pm
sasquash says...



Thank you for pointing those out to me, i changed everything that you said, and i think it sounds much better!
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!
  





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Thu Aug 16, 2007 11:15 am
Squall says...



I like the idea to this. The beginning is kind of info dumpy. I think you should rephase it a bit. Just make sure that this piece isn't over the top and exaggerated.
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Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:23 pm
Vincent says...



hi.
i liked this story and ill do my best to help you inprove it.

the first two paragraphs were info-dump (but dont take it from me, i suck at info dump and do it all the time)
and i encountered a bogey:

You see, humans were hated for enslaving most creatures of earth. You know, like goblins, elves, dwarvs, you know.

i dont think you should say "you know" twice in one sentence, doesnt sound good.

whole

that should be hole, shouldnt it?


“Welcome to level two.” A voice says.

is this a different voice? if not, say "the voice"

i noticed a other grammar mistake but couldnt re-find it.

hope i helped!

vince
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Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:33 pm
Stori says...



Ai-ya-yai, that's a mess! You keep getting the tenses mixed up. Just look at the introduction of the "voice."
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Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
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