Young Writers Society

Frederich struggled to find a hand hold on the slippery slope of which he clung to desperatly. The rain was pouring down, harder and harder every minute. He felt his fingers start to slip, and suddenly his life flashed before his eyes. He saw his unfortunate childhood, his father beating him tirelessly. He saw the first time he went to school, and when he graduated from college. Last he saw himself begining his journey, setting off for the deathly cliff which he was about to climb, never dreaming something like this would occur. Then he came back to reality, holding ever tighter to the dirt and rock that were his only support, and his only chance to save himself from 2,000 feet of free-falling, where he would meet his doom amongst the jagged rocks. He saw bolts of lightning, and heard crashes of thunder. The thunder was so loud that it shook the cliff where Frederich was dangling. He found another hand hold farther up, the adrenaline pumping his heart, and urging him forward. Suddenly, a large lightning bolt stuck the cliff where Frederich was clutching. Frederich was flung from the cliff, and he started to fall, down, down, down. All at once, everything went black.

A few grammatical and spelling errors at the beginning and end, but all-in-all I'm pretty impressed.

softballuvr13 wrote:Last he saw himself begining his journey, setting off for the deathly cliff which he was about to climb, never dreaming something like this would occur.

begining should be beginning
I think he should be setting off for the deadly cliff

will this be continued?

Positives: I liked this story. When you said short story, you meant short story, and I mean that in a good way. You gave the story a beginning, middle, and end. Clear and definite endings are often forgotten in short stories, which makes them more like a chapter in a non-existing novel (I tend to do that myself). Your story read through easily. It was nice.

Editing: I would sugest going a little more in depth with the piece. Perhaps you could describe in a paragraph what home life was like for your character, and then have him flashback to reality. You could do this with several topics you covered including, but not limited to: the first day of school, college graduation, the journey to the death cliff, etc. If you give the reader more storytelling, the short story will be pretty complete.

This is very short so my first piece of advice is to extend it. Not loads because it will work best as a short story but add a few details to the aspects of his life that he thinks on. Perhaps give the reader a little false hope. Maybe he sees a helicopter fly over head or another climber just above him but he/she is too late. In fact, this would be a great dramatic monologue. Perhaps have him hanging onto the cliff near the top and a civilian is trying to calm him down by asking questions about his family and past and things. Anyway, a few specific suggestions -

Frederich struggled to find a hand hold on the slippery slope [s]of[/s] to which he clung [s]to[/s] desperatly.

Then he came back to reality, holding ever tighter to the dirt and rock that were his only support, and his only chance to save himself from 2,000 [Better to type it as two thousand.] feet of free-falling, where he would meet his doom amongst the jagged rocks

He found another hand hold [s]farther[/s] further up, the adrenaline pumping his heart, and urging him forward.

_________________
Overall a great start but this has the potential to be even better so add more description, more plot and it will be great.

This is quite the little short story. I'll see if I can disect it.

Frederich struggled to find a hand hold on the slippery slope of which he clung to desperatly.

Should be desperately, and slippery slope is rather an overused term. Better ideas?

The rain was pouring down, harder and harder every minute. He felt his fingers start to slip, and suddenly his life flashed before his eyes.

Do lives actually flash before ones' eyes? I think not.

He saw his unfortunate childhood, his father beating him tirelessly. He saw the first time he went to school, and when he graduated from college. Last he saw himself begining his journey, setting off for the deathly cliff which he was about to climb, never dreaming something like this would occur.

Bit of an infodump, can't you develop this a little better? Make us connect to your character a bit more?

Then he came back to reality, holding ever tighter to the dirt and rock that were his only support, and his only chance to save himself from 2,000 feet of free-falling, where he would meet his doom amongst the jagged rocks.

What absolute idiot would climb 2,000 feet with no support in the storming rain with jagged rocks below and not ever imagine "something like this would happen?

He saw bolts of lightning, and heard crashes of thunder.

I will always and forever tirelessly preach the "show, don't tell" doctrine.

The thunder was so loud that it shook the cliff where Frederich was dangling. He found another hand hold farther up, the adrenaline pumping his heart, and urging him forward. Suddenly, a large lightning bolt stuck the cliff where Frederich was clutching. Frederich was flung from the cliff, and he started to fall, down, down, down. All at once, everything went black.

*sighs* K. For one thing, a "large" lightening bolt? Is there no better descriptive term than "large" that you can think of?

Also, I don't believe it. I absolutely do not believe it. I don't. You've failed. Frederich did not climb a cliff for no known reason alone in a storm with no support. He didn't. Frederich's father didn't beat him, he never went to college, he didn't have a flashback. Frederich does not have [insert color of hair here], his hopes and dreams were not [insert hopes and dreams here] his intentions were not [insert intentions here], I don't care about him because [insert a reason I should care here]. Frederich did not climb a cliff because Frederich does not exist. You made a character up and had him climb a cliff, and had him fall, and there was no reason for it. Try again. Always try again. Tell me if you do.

also
you made a mistake in posting this immediately. You should have gone to the writing tips sections and gotten involved there, started reviewing, asking questions, gotten to know people. I suggest doing that before posting again.

I really like this story such
emotion and exitment I dont
see anything wrong with the
story I absoulutly loved it.

I agree, this story is really not all that bad. I think that you should develop your character a bit more (tell us more about him make us care) you know the usual. But I'm sure you've heard that enough. I'm not really for giving long gruesome critiques (no offense,but...I guess they DO come in handy sometimes). Anyways, the character needs more develpement, that's all I can think of for now. Maybe you could turn this into a prologue or something. Maybe? It would make a good story. If you update please tell.

Nice work of Flash Fiction. I was rather impressed.

however, I didn't really feel your character's fear or pain or whatever else you are trying to make me feel. Also, I would like a more in depth description of your character's past.

One thing I really want to know, though, is if the story will be continued of it this is a flash fiction thing. if it does continue, please PM me when you post! If not, well, You made me want to see what happened next, which is really really good!

great job!

First off, I would turn this into more than one paragraph. It's kind of scary to see all of that bunched together.

He saw his unfortunate childhood, his father beating him tirelessly.

I feel like repeating people here. Why are you telling us this? We don't know him, and we don't care that he had a difficult life. You're just stating the fact.

Also, he doesn't seem like a human. Name one person who could be in that position, and not be freaking out? Also, who would allow him to climb that by himself? It's a death wish.

Frederich struggled to find a hand hold on the slippery slope of which he clung to desperatly.

There are a lot of cliche phrases in here, but I like the idea of it. If you could re-word it, I think it's a great way to get the readers attention. But after you do that, you need to do something to make us care for him, instead of just telling us what is happening.

All at once, everything went black.

Aren't things usually pretty dark in storms? I think this ending could be awesome, though. Maybe saying that it all went silent instead, since storms are so loud. Just something to show that things drastically charged. But it was good that you didn't just say he died.

If you give him some more human-like qualities, I think this would be a much better read. And just because it's a short story, doesn't mean it has to be this short. Maybe not 1,00 words, but at least let us get to know him before you kill him!

I feel the need to revise my previous post. I had no idea that this was the girl's very first story, and was perhaps in an over-critiquing mode, so I made the mistake of only criticizing and not pointing out the good things in her story. Sorry, softballluver. If you post again let me know and I"ll give you a proper critique.

Egads! You ended with a cliffhanger! Literally!

That means you must finish the story. Now.

No, but that's very good because cliffhangers can lead to the next scene, and they draw the readers into reading your story. It makes things a lot more exciting. So yeah. Awesome stuff.

Also, I really really REALLY like the way that you incorrporated action with the rest of the details. Too often, writers will make these long, emotional monologues that just go on and on, but you separate the information with action, and that's such a skillful, professional thing to do that you deserve a cookie. Unfortunately, I have no cookies at hand, but when I do, you'll get one!

What you'll probably want to do next is to expand your story. Right now, you have all the dramatic elements in place. There's conflict, emotional drama, and an intensity to the whole thing. But, if you want to make the reader cling to your every word (and of course you do!) you have to show us the conflict and emotional drama in such a way that we can't forget it.

Okay. So that's easier said than done. I've been working on a novel for six blasted years, and I'm still trying to edit it so that it shows more conflict and emotional drama in an unforgetable way. But, once it's done, it's AMAZING. And face it... we love amazing stories.

So! To make this an amazing story, you have to tell us a couple of things. Frederich has an unfortunate childhood... no? So what exactly happens? And I know, you tell us that his father beats him tirelessly, but I think it would be awesome to show that to us as a flashback or a dream sequence, of him and his dad interacting with each other. And talk about drama! That flashback/dream sequence would have a lot of it!

The trick is, when you make this flashback/dream sequence, you have to make sure that you include the action of what's currently going on. As I said before, I really really like the way that you include action with your character's thoughts. So, while you can make the character's thoughts longer, you were right in making sure to space it out with action. ^_^

Also, I want to know why he wanted to climb this cliff. What made him even consider it? It's such an interesting question that it makes me scratch my head when I read this story. You have this intense situation lined up, so it needs to make sense. Fortunately for you, it looks like it can make sense! Because he had such a crappy childhood and everything, he might consider going up this cliff or something, just because he wants to escape his unfortunate life he is leading right now. You just have to tell us this. ^_^

So yeah, expand and continue! Or else...

wow. By short you really meant short. lol!

So, what, did he just die?

Anyways I really liked it. A few grammatical errors, but a story that kept your readers tense. You could turn this into a pretty wicked poem, you know that?

One thing I can tell you, though, is that I wish I could see more of his life. What was there for him to live for? Obviously, near the end, he wanted to live. What encouraged this?