Young Writers Society

Anyone on Earth would think Roc a freak. He had long, silver-streaked black hair, pale skin and a tall frame- nearly six feet.

The pale skin would have smacked of albino, if it weren't for his piercing blue eyes. A friend once described him as "a tiger behind that cool face." And, like the tiger he was called, he was restless. He wanted to break free of his small colony world. His greatest dream was to study at Earth University.


Like his namesake, the roc bird, he was a loner. He tended to be aloof, and could be seen walking the streets lost in his own thoughts. He tended to sit alone in school. His best friend, Mike, would say, "It's another silent treatment."


Now he paced his room, compupad in hand, tallying up his money. "Sixteen credits yesterday, plus four, subtract three..." He came up with a solution and sighed. "Not even a hundred yet. I might as well start selling lemonade."

That cynical remark, though, sparked an idea. He needed a business. Considering his natural talent with machines, he thought a repair shop should work.

He chuckled at the irony of that. A natural at mechanics, what a joke! The chuckle became a laugh. "I have it! Toby will love this."

He stopped by Circuit Shop that afternoon. The neon-green sign read "Open."

The door chimed as he entered. He went right to the counter, where old Patrick held sway.

"Well, look what the shockwave brought in," he said with a laugh. "What can I do for you, Roc?"

"I'm looking for work."

"You've come to the right place! I saw that robot you fixed. It was amazing!"

"Yeah, well, I practically had to scrap the memory banks. It wasn't easy."

"You're a born talent," Patrick chuckled. "Come on, let me introduce you to my assistant."

He nodded to a serious-looking teenage girl, who was tinkering with a mobile com unit. Every so often she'd enter a string of data on her comupad.

"This is Naylor, but you can call her Nail."

The girl nodded and resumed working. Roc leaned over and pointed at a data cylinder. "That should go here."

"Thanks," said Nail curtly, and adjusted the cylinder.

Now Patrick seemed put out. "Nail, you should be more polite."

"Why?" asked Nail. "Machines aren't any nicer when you say 'please.'"

"But people are! Stop acting the clone and greet Roc properly!"

"Hello, Roc," she coolly.

Knowing that she wanted to be left alone, he nodded and stepped back. "Well, see you around."

"Before you go," Patrick said, "I have something to show you." He led Roc to the garage behind the shop.

There, resting on a cushion of air, was a fighter.

Roc gasped. "Whose is that?"

"It's yours if you want it."

"Thank you, Patrick! She's beautiful!" He looked at the smooth lines, the long, folded wings, and sighed. "This is my fondest wish."

Is this a short story or the beginning of something longer?

IMO, either way, it leaves off in a bad spot. Plus it moves too quickly. I hardly have an image of who this guy is and why he needs money. You should definitely expand this a bit more and allow the reader a chance to bond with the character. Just jumping right in with something is not always a good thing to do. If the reader doesn't bond with the character, the reader just stops caring and won't continue reading. Also, you don't want to have to have the reader force themself to turn the page and continue reading. Not healthy. People tend to frown on that. If you need some examples, pick up a few books and see how their authors open things up and immediately bond you with the characters. An emotional connection is crucial.

Also, you kicked off with an info dump. Which is bad. It slows down the action and tends to deter readers. If you want to include physical descriptions of your characters, do it in creative ways, like "She shook her blonde hair out of her face," or something along those lines. It keeps the action moving and lets the reader know, oh, okay, she has blonde hair and it's long enough to invade her face. People like that more. Much more subtle, and they're not being lectured.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a PM.

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I *really* like your comparisons, and your drawing from mythology to emphasize. However, you don't explain that mythology.

Take, for instance, this:

Like his namesake, the roc bird, he was a loner. He tended to be aloof, and could be seen walking the streets lost in his own thoughts.

Personally, I know what a Roc is. But not everyone does! Assume your reader is mythologically ignorant, yes? Explain the myth. Describe the Roc. Tell us, as readers, how his namesake relates to him! I think it would add a great depth to him.

Here:

The pale skin would have smacked of albino, if it weren't for his pirecing blue eyes. A friend once described him as "a tiger behind that cool face."
...
And, like the tiger he was called, he was restless. He wanted to break free of his small colony world. His greatest dream was to study at Earth University.

Your tiger analogy works. And works well! But the context in which it is used, does not. Instead of just telling us he is called a tiger by one of his friends...write a scene where his friend DOES call him a tiger. Does that make sense? Let me know.

I don't like how he's talking to himself--is it s personality peeve? Could it be a thought, instead of a dialog with himself? I think that would work better.

Your setting is very vague. Before writing a scene like this one, you should set it up. Show us where you're coming from. Show us more of this setting that is very, very interesting, given the info you HAVE given us.

Not bad, a few spelling mistakes but I think is a book that can go further.

The others have said most of the stuff that needs to be improved, but here are a few more...

And, like the tiger he was called, he was restless. He wanted to break free of his small colony world. His greatest dream was to study at Earth University.

Why do you tell us that it is his ambition to go to school there, and then totally forget about it? You describe him to us a lot, but he doesn't act like that once the story part begins.

"Why?" asked Nail. "Macines aren't any nicer when you say 'please.'"

"But people are! Stop acting the clone and greet Roc properly!"

Does this take place in the future? It almost seems like there are robots or something...

Also, I have no clue where he is. If you added more detail, I think it could be much better.

""a tiger behind that cool face.""
Ugh. Bad nickname. Plain ol' "Tiger" would be beter.

"Like his namesake, the roc bird, he was a loner"
SHOW DON'T TEL!!!

"Now Patrick seemed put out. "Nail, you should be more polite.""
Does not seem like real conversation. Change it, maybe into something like "Patrick bent down and whispered something into Nail's ear. He looked crossed." This is because the point of view of this story is Roc's, so you must do it as if he can't understand. It's also Show, not tell, PLUS it makes the reader feel smarter because they'll understand what Patrick said to Nail when she replies.

DESCRIBE. I didn't see any description in the whole piece.

SHOW DON'T TELL. The whole story was telling.

Also, you must have a beginning that gives us information that is relevant. I don't think the connection between mythology and names was relevant, because you did not elaborate on that as much--not that that will do you much good, either--it'll be all telling.

I liked this as a beginning of a story. It was also clear to understand, but it was not in any way superb. Just work on it.

PM me for questions!