Young Writers Society

Her eyes glistened with the reflection of the morning sun as it rose high into the sky. Anticipation coursed through her exhausted body, sending pulses of energy running through it, despite her condition. Instead of the jewels she deserved, blood splattered her new battle gear. All the signs of war were apparent by the appearance of the small surviving band of warriors, loyal to the end. Each one knew that death was only moments away, awaiting them over the next ridge. Yet, they stood by their princess, the last survivor of the royal family.

It was still a marvel to her that these men would risk everything they had, even to the point of death, for her kingdom.

A horn arose from the silence. The brave troops shifted nervously. The pounding of boots rang in their ears.

"Princess Adriana, surrender now and your troops, nor your estate, will not be harmed. Hesitate or fight and everything you love and hold dear will be destroyed."

She had planned for this.

Her best friend, Lael, who could have passed for her twin, stood up slowly.

"I surrender, on the condition that my kingdom, and everything in it, is left exactly as it is. Not one person is to be harmed, not one woman raped, not one child sold into slavery, not one animal killed, and not one brick carted away. Do we have an accord?"

"Of course, your highness. As long as you keep your side of the bargain, we'll keep ours." A cruel smile formed on the general's thin lips. "Take her away in chains. You never know what will happen with this one. She tends to be very deceiving. With your leave, of course, my lady." He made a mocking bow.

Watching from the heath, Adriana clenched her fists into a tight ball. You have no idea how deceptive I can be, general.

As the clinking of chains faded into the distance, the general surveyed the people and lands before him. "You know, it would be such a shame to waste such wonderful hospitality, not to mention all the free slaves and wenches just ripe for the plucking. What do you say, Gents? Shall we?"

A cheer arose from the enemy troops, an awful, final cheer. Adriana knew this would happen, no matter what she did or how hard they fought. The only way to win this battle was with the elemant ot surprise. But, they had the advantage. The general thought he had already won by capturing their leader, when in fact she lied in wait for the opportune moment to strike.

This is good. I can't wait to read more.

The over all story was good. It leaves you wanting to know the rest of the story.

Her eyes glistened with the reflection of the morning sun as it rose [s]high[/s] (I think this adjective is unnessacary) into the sky. Anticipation coursed through her exhausted body, sending pulses of energy [s]running[/s] (Someting is wrong with that sentence That verb running doesn't fit really I think that may be the problem ry rewriting it.) through it, despite her condition. Instead of the jewels she deserved, blood splattered her new battle gear. All the signs of war were (apparent by the appearance) (apparent by the appearence it is sort of redundant try to change choice of wording) of the small surviving band of warriors, loyal to the end. Each one knew that death was only moments away, awaiting them over the next ridge. Yet, they stood by their princess, the last survivor of the royal family.

It was still a marvel to her that these men would risk everything they had, even to the point of death, for her kingdom.

A horn arose from the silence. The brave troops shifted nervously. The pounding of boots rang in their ears.

"Princess Adriana, surrender now and(add the word "neither") your troops, nor your estate, will not be harmed.(If you) Hesitate or fight and everything you love and hold dear will be destroyed."

She had planned for this.

Her best friend, Lael, who could have passed for her twin, stood up slowly.

"I surrender, on the condition that my kingdom, and everything in it, is left exactly as it is. Not one person is to be harmed, not one woman raped, not one child sold into slavery, not one animal killed, and not one brick carted away. Do we have an accord?"

"Of course, your highness. As long as you keep your side of the bargain, we'll keep ours." A cruel smile formed on the general's thin lips. "Take her away in chains. You never know what will happen with this one. She tends to be very deceiving. With your leave, of course, my lady." He made a mocking bow.

Watching from the heath, Adriana clenched her fists into a tight ball. You have no idea how deceptive I can be, general.

As the clinking of chains faded into the distance, the general surveyed the people and lands before him. "You know, it would be such a shame to waste such wonderful hospitality, not to mention all the free slaves and wenches just ripe for the plucking. What do you say, Gents? Shall we?"

A cheer arose from the enemy troops, an awful, final cheer. Adriana knew this would happen, no matter what she did or how hard they fought. The only way to win this battle was with the elemant (element) ot (of) surprise. But, they had the advantage. The general thought he had already won by capturing their leader, when in fact she lied in wait for the opportune moment to strike.

Awesome story Girl can't wait to hear the second part. Just a few tweekks and you'll be all good. The plot is very well thought through and interesting. I am liking the whole princess thing instead of some masculine war story. Very cool! Quickly write the next one lol!

Thanks. Glad you like it. Also, thanks for the critique. I think this is one of my better pieces. I love heroines instead of heros! Being a girl, I tend to like the girls to do all the saving. But, of course, that's just me. XD. (And, no, I'm not a feminest.) Thank you, though. I do really appriciate the comments. Jamie Bondage.

Bravo. A very good story, with a few touch-ups, one of the most interesting I've read in awhile. Can't wait for more!!!!!

~C

This is quite a nice story. I love your amount of details and how you described your chracter. I cannot wait to read more. The amount of suspence is perfect, not too much and not too litle resulting in utter boredness(is that a word?). Please inform me when you write some more.

Heya! I loved this little section because it totally grabbed me from the beginning. Almost like at the second or third paragraph, I had a clear picture of the setting and the characters. I just can't wait to read the second part!!!!

Just a few little things and you will be as good as new!

Be sure to check out my stuff!!!