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Broken Promises



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Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:55 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Broken Promises

[Note: This was originally a story called Time Walkers, but sadly that story was lost and this scenario can into my head. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense yet.]


We continued walking down the corridor of the catacombs and the smell once unbearable began to wither away. I wasn’t to distracted though I followed her and the small flame of fire she carried.

I wondered how old she was, what was the story behind The Woman of the Tombs? I was glad that she covered herself in her ancient robes cause I was scared to see her face. Not that I could so easily because her back was greatly hunched not of deformity but from old age.

Around me the walls were covered in spider webs and dust and I began to wonder if I was going to get some sort of super germ bug. Suddenly I almost tripped on something stern, and I nearly dropped my torch.

The Woman of the Tombs looked back at me but kept walking I couldn’t see her expression but some how I felt it would have been vacant. Like her whole face was stuck like that from years of being down here preserved until she was needed again.

The air seemed to get steeper as she stopped. I could see anything before us until she wiped the dust away and pointed at the wall. I took a step closer it was not a wall but a door.

It took a few minutes to examine the Hieroglyphics but it made no sense to me. But I could tell it was an ancient story of a love triangle, what they had to do with me I wasn’t too sure

“ What does this door bear?” I asked.

Her word came out hissed and low , “ It is what you came for, behind this door is knowledge. It hold the future and that past.”

I shook my head in confusion, “ Why ..and how can I have the past and future.”

Suddenly she sounded angry, “ You can have the past and future because for you they are the same. To stop the curse all you have to do is remember,”

I looked at the door some more and in more deep thought, “ So you mean this door shows me who is real? Who is the evil one?”

“ It shows you what happened , the secrets, and your love.”

I took a deep breath touching the door, but hesitant, “ But I-”

“ It’s the only way if you do not go now, your struggle was useless and the past and the future well be the same always. You’ll die and live again forever.”

“ Forever?” I gasped Cane and Abel needed me to do this. I needed me to do this. Yet I was scared to see, and in the put of my stomach I though maybe they had the wrong person.

Suddenly I thought of the beginning,
  





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Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:02 pm
Ego says...



Interesting. It's pretty vague, though that might be what you were going for. Your opening sentence makes it sound like the middle part of a larger piece. Is it?

We continued walking down the corridor of the catacombs and the smell once unbearable began to wither away. I wasn’t to distracted though I followed her and the small flame of fire she carried.


If this is supposed to be a beginning, I would recommend you change it from "continued walking" to just straight "walked."

It took a few minutes to examine the Hieroglyphics but it made no sense to me. But I could tell it was an ancient story of a love triangle, what they had to do with me I wasn’t too sure


This is a contradiction. If the hieroglyphs made no sense, how did your main character decipher them? Do they have an education in hieroglyphs? Are they not Hieroglyphs, but Pictographs that tell a story? Give us some details--let us know.

Also, we have no idea of your main character's appearance. Was that intentional?

Just somethings for consideration.

--Hunter
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Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:12 pm
October Girl says...



Court, I think Hunter is right about the character. What does he/she look lie? I think you could add just a couple more sentences.... maybe if you'd like. Hope this helps!

-Max
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I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™
  





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Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:18 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Hey *Courteny feels the top of her head in amazement* you didn't chop my head off!

And yeah I guess I kind of did lope on the description of the character....;(.

But I do I agree and will use everything you said in my next post thanks! :).
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 1:02 pm
just_intoxicated03 says...



this was nice, although i would have liked to know about the whole plot of the story. the words "super germ bug" seemed out of place to me. i dunno maybe it's just me. anyways, this was good, and it leaves me wanting to find out.arrrgggg!!!good work.keep on writing..
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is. --Homer Simpson
  








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