Young Writers Society

Reasons to Kill

"Sit. I’ll be finished in a moment.”

I cringe when I hear her voice; it has hardened so much in the years since I last heard it. Has mine done the same?

Focus.

I smile at the woman, perching on the seat in front of her. My nails dig into my palm to keep my mind on the task at hand.

Observe.

I take the room in, noting all exits and possible weapons. My eyes rest on Cameron, who is still reading the papers in front of her, a small smile on her lips.

Suspect everyone.

She recognizes me; I'm sure of it. But does she know why I'm here?

Relax.

There's no way she could know my mission. No one knows Master's plans unless He tells them Himself, and she hasn't had contact with Him in over two years.

"So," she says, pulling me from my thoughts. She rests her chin on a loose fist, looking me in the eye for the first time in so long. "Has it really taken Him two years to find me? He's really losing His touch."

Don't react.

I say nothing; simply stare back at her, nonchalant. She laughs a harsh, cruel laugh. "Thought I didn't know why you were here, Katty?"

My jaw tightens; no one calls me Katty anymore. "It's Katrina."

"Fine, Katrina." My name sounds like venom on her lips. "Why does he need me back?"

Never admit anything.

"What makes you think He needs you back?" I ask, sitting up a little taller in my chair. "He has me now."

Cameron shakes her head and speaks to me as if I were a child. “Katty, please. You’re a coward. He would never want you when He could have me.”

"How would you know? I've already stolen for Him."

"And now you've been sent here, to murder me?"

"Exactly."

"Katty," she sighs, standing up and walking around the desk. She leans against it, her arms crossed loosely across her chest. "Young, naïve, Katty. You really believe that is why He sent you here?"

"Of course!" I reply, averting my eyes from her fierce gaze for a moment. She notices.

"He sent you here to get me back," she whispers, making me flinch. I press my back into the chair, trying to add as much distance between us as possible. Desperately, I search my mind for anything that will help me in this position.

A sharp edge digs into my stomach slightly, and I suddenly remember the weapon I was given to commit this murder.

Use your weapons wisely.

I know I can’t just grab my knife; she has much better reflexes than me and I’ll be dead before I even reach my pocket. Instead I draw my hand back slowly, holding my breath and praying that she won’t notice.

Her cold eyes trace the path my hand is taking, resting on the slight bump in my pocket. She takes a step closer to me, a cruel smile on her lips once more. My hand freezes and I refuse to meet her eyes, knowing that mine will immediately announce me guilty.

“Such an amateur,” she says, letting out a harsh laugh. I make one last desperate attempt to get my knife, but her hand lashes out and grabs my wrist before I can even move it. Her nails dig into my skin, drawing a few drops of blood. I grit my teeth, attempting to hold back a scream. She pins my arm against the armrest and laughs at me once more.

"He knew I wouldn't just sit around, waiting for you to kill me." She pulls her free hand back, slips it into her own pocket, and reveals a simple silver knife, similar to the one I had not been stealthy enough to reach.

"He knew that I couldn’t just let you go after you dishonored him," she continues, examining the gleaming metal in her hand. "I’ve been trained too well. You were sent here to kill me, and you failed. Now I must punish you. You do know the punishment, don’t you, Katty?" She leans even closer and whispers in my ear. “Death.”

My eyes widen, and I desperately try to talk some sense into her. "Cammy, please, we were best friends, you can't kill me…"

”You’re right, Katty. We were best friends. Not anymore. You never should have joined Him. I told you not to. That voice in your head – I’m sure you’ve gotten it by now, why else would you be doing this? – it’s Him. I told you to get out, before He invaded your mind. You wouldn’t listen.” She raises her hand and places the cool metal of the blade against my neck.

Cameron continues, her voice barely above a whisper. “He never leaves, Cammy. I can hear Him right now. You can’t disobey Him. It’s impossible; He’s in control of your mind, of all your actions.”

“Cammy…Please…Just ignore Him…Let me go…”

“I can’t, Katty. See, now you’ve dishonored Him, and you’ve come here to murder me. I have two reasons to kill you. I was willing to do it for one.”

She releases my wrist and places her hand on the back of the blade, pressing gently, just enough to break my skin. I feel the warm blood trickle down my throat, and I struggle desperately under her hold.

"Are you afraid?" she asks, taunting me in my last few moments.

Forget all emotion.

My mind is screaming yes, but He won’t let me give her the satisfaction of hearing that. He won’t let me die a coward.

“No.”

“You should be,” she whispers. She gives a final push, and the metal slides into my neck.

The room begins to fade to black, and I hear my Master’s voice one last time.

Pathetic.

I think it's really good, very creepy. Perhaps you could have Cameron show a stroke of remorse at the end but to be honest, I don't think there's anything wrong with them both being evil. You write well enough that the reader can imagine the friendship they used to have and how it is the circumstances and the Master that have led to this. You have some nice description and I love the use of italics and those short, dramatic sentences. Very effective.

I think my main suggestion is for you to add a little more description of the setting. I'd love to know where this takes place and what Cameron is doing before the conversation between her and Katrina develops. Also, a few minor points -

I cringe when I hear her voice; it has hardened so much in the years since I last heard it. Will mine do the same? [Perhaps rather than will mine do the same, you should use has mine done the same? I think that would make more sense.]

She raises her hand and places the cool metal of the knife against my neck. [Instead of repeating knife all the time you could have 'the cool metal of the blade' or even 'the cool, metal blade' here.]

Other than that, I think it's an excellent piece of writing, especially for a person of your age. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the critique, kitty15!

I changed a few small things in the story, and reposted it above. I am also debating whether or not to make this into a chapter story. If I do, I'll have to change a lot, but I have an idea of what to do, so I probably will, as long as I can make myself actually get around to writing it.

If I do write a chapter version, I will still keep this as a short story version, though I'll probably edit it a few more times still. I'm never completely satisfied; this is my seventh version, and each time I change a ton.

Hey, this is good. I can't ever recall assassin-driven sequences 13-year old girls , but this was good. It was kind of Tomb Raider/Aeon Flux/Blood Rayne-ish. Not bad, not bad at all. I was intrigued by the content and it flowed well.

Just a few things, really.

I was a little confused towards the end.

”You’re right, Katty. We were best friends. Not anymore. You never should have joined Him. I told you not to. That voice in your head – I’m sure you’ve gotten it by now, why else would you be doing this? – it’s Him. I told you to get out, before He invaded your mind. You wouldn’t listen.” She raises her hand and places the cool metal of the blade against my neck.

Here you make it sound like Cameron is against the ominous "Him".

“I can’t, Katty. See, now you’ve dishonored Him, and you’ve come here to murder me. I have two reasons to kill you. I was willing to do it for one.”

But in this paragraph, she says she's punishing Katty for dishonoring "Him."
It was just a little weird, that's all.

Cameron continues, her voice barely above a whisper. “He never leaves, Cammy.

Since this is Cameron talking, it should read, "He never leaves, Katty." This is one of the strongest sentences in the piece, but it loses its punch with the wrong name in it.

Just on a further note, I agree with Kitty that you could have used more details at the beginning. Of course, you don't want to turn it into an info-dump, but I'd like to know at least where they are. The picture in my head is in an office in the top of a high-rise skyscraper, but it could be anywhere, from the lack of details.

Anyway, that's all. Other than the things I noticed, it was really, really good. Keep up the good work.

This was an unusual piece, I must say. Although, that does not mean that I did not like it. It was quite good, albeit a bit confusing.

The story left you with a lot of questions, like; who is 'Master'? Why did it end like this? Did 'He' really send Katty to be killed? Was it a test? and so on.

Agreeing with the previous comments, there was a lack of details, but it also made the story a bit more cryptical. like it was all supposed to be kept a secret.

First, when I read it, it sounded like they were in their late twenties, but they sounded younger in the end. It may have just been me, but I just thought it was a bit odd.

God... there isn't much I can say that the one's before me have not already said... well, after about half of the story, you could quite easily figure out how the end would be, but that is, sadly enough, the case of most books/stories out there.

It was a good little piece, and I think that if you make it a chapter-story, don't change too much, it was good as a stand-alone, too. Well, except the part where she said the wrong name... but it is not like I have never done that, either.

I am sorry if it is a horrible 'review' of your story, I usually only write stories... but practice makes perfect, right?

Good work, and good luck with the piece if you turn it into a longer story. ^___^

(sorry if there are any spelling mistakes)
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Joe