Young Writers Society

“GO KIRANIA! GO!” Tamada shouted to the dragon she was riding. Kirania was a black dragon with a white belly and gold glowing eyes. Kirania ran and jumped off a cliff, then she spread her wings and begun flying very fast. Fireballs where all in the air everywhere. Down on the ground was a red dragon shooting fireballs at Kirania and Tamada. Kirania and Tamada escaped the fireballs and landed on a different area.
“Well, that was quite the trip. What do you think, Kira?” Kira just snorted and steam came from Kira’s nostrils. They almost did not make it alive. The red dragon was a wild dragon. Where they were at, there were pine trees, rocks, creeks, and bushes.


Tam grabbed a peach and tossed it in the air.
“Just a light warming Kira!” The dragon used fire breath and warmed the peach, Tam caught the peach and ate it. Kirania left the campsite for about a half hour, when she came back she had a deer carcass. Kira tore at the carcass and ate all the meat leaving the fur and the skin of the young buck. Tamada took the deer skin and used a knife to scrape all the extra meat off of it and set it aside. She hung the deer skin up so it would dry out, she grabbed the scraps of meat and cooked them for herself; after a half hour of cooking the meat, Tamada ate it and they went to sleep.



Tamada was huddled up against Kira’s belly and Kira was wrapped around Tam, protecting her from any dangers. In the morning, Tam pulled a giant fur blanket with a blank spot out of a big pouch attached to the dragon. Tamada sewed the deer skin to the big blanket and laid the blanket over the dragon and she clawed under it. The blanket was almost big enough to cover both of them! They slept for a few more hours before waking up and leaving the camp area. They flew to a different island with a forest. When they landed, they came upon a cobblestone path…it was not natural. Tam rode Kira and they followed the path to a deserted town. They snooped around and found money, food, old clothes, blankets, and animal skins.


They took all those different items knowing they would use them at some point to help them both survive. Tamada sewed the animal skins to the rest of them and hopped back on Kirania. Kira made a growl noise and Tamada knew what that meant, there was a wild dragon somewhere, Kira could smell it. Kira started flying and saw a wild dragon back on the land. The wild dragon started flying and following them, chasing them. Kira turned around, blew fire, and the dragon behind went back to its island. Tamada sighed in relief and fixed a few of the stitches in her giant animal skin blanket. They flew for hours and is got really cold, Tam put the blanket on the dragon and it covered Kira and her, Tam went to sleep under the blanket while Kira flew warmly.

WHOA!!!!
You really need to break this into smaller paragraphs. At the moment it looks very HUGE.

Aye, this needs to be spaced out in order to be properly critiqued. It's a bit of an eyesore now.

Send me a PM when you've spaced this out (preferably like I'm doing now) and I'll give this a proper critique, okay?

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I don't really care how spaced out it is. Personally, I like it better the way it is. >_> So, since it seems I can critique this without worrying about formatting, I will.

First off- I know this might sound harsh, but...a plot normally has some kind of master conflict. So far, all I'm seeing is Tamanda trying to survive with only a dragon as a companion and protection from other, wild dragons. (BTW, I love dragons, so I can't wait to see how they play into your story! ) It may not be my place to judge this, though, because you could very well be introducing the problem that is the conflict in the next chapter (or post, whatever you want to call it)...
It has great potential, though, and I hope this helps!

Also, you could substitute more of your nouns for pronouns- for example, *Kirania and Tamada escaped the fireballs and landed on a different area. * could instead say They escaped the fireballs and landed in a different area.

I do think there's more that could be fixed (really, I do), but I think this should be enough to ponder for now.

Hey there FireArris,
You've got a pretty good start here. I, as well LOVE Dragons ! Here are some of my suggestions:

“GO KIRANIA! GO!” Tamada shouted to the dragon she was riding.
Wouldn't Tamada shout "Kira" since that's what she calls her the rest of the time?

Kira just snorted and steam came from Kira’s nostrils.
her nostrils.

They almost did not make it alive.
Try something like: We almost didn't make it out that one alive Tamada thought to herself.

She hung the deer skin up so it would dry out,
She would probably stretch out the hide to tan for a few days

When they landed, they came upon a cobblestone path…it was not natural.
Maybe: When they landed they came upon an unnatural cobblestone path, or, When they landed they came upon a cobblestone path. This is very strange thought Tamada.

Kira made a growl noise and Tamada knew what that meant, there was a wild dragon somewhere, Kira could smell it.
Try rewording, something like: Kira sniffed the air and made a growling noise in her throat. Tamada knew what that meant, there was a wild dragon somewhere.

The wild dragon started flying and following them, chasing them.
Try rewording this somehow.

They flew for hours and is got really cold, Tam put the blanket on the dragon and it covered Kira and her, Tam went to sleep under the blanket while Kira flew warmly
This is a run-on sentence. Try breaking it down.

Try to vary your word usage. It can help keep your readers if you don't sound repetitive. What I've found helps is whenever you come across a word that you don't know look it up. Also, read as much as possible.

In addition, be a little more descriptive of actions including subtle ones. This helps the reader be able to visualize everything.

I think this story has a lot of potential and look forward to reading more . I enjoyed reading this very much . If you ever need a critique let me know.

Hope this helps,
Falcon_Ablaze

I would say you have a great idea, but it needs alot of development. I sugest you make the character descriptions less like a list, and add more detail to the enviroment. Are the islands tropical? What is the enemy or goal of the characters? What are tyhe characters thinking? are they afraid? can all wild dragons be as easily defeated as the first two?