Young Writers Society

Note: It's definitely not finished, but critique away! Tell me what you think, and if it sounds interesting enough to keep writing. There's a drawing I did of Fallon too. A forewarning: you'll hardly ever see drawings of Athos or any other male characters, because I fail at drawing boys, mmkay?

Through the trees the sunrays melted like butter upon Fallon’s back. Precariously, she held the heavy wooden spear in her hands as she ducked under a large hibiscus plant. He was on her trail, and wouldn’t lose track of her now; not this close to capturing her.

Fallon gasped for air under the shade of the broad leaves, throwing down her spear to clutch her throbbing feet. She knew he would be in pain too; they had covered much terrain since Hitheros. Her hands rubbed each other now, blistered from contact with her spear. It was a bad choice of weapon- bulky, heavy and colorfully decorated. Fallon sat on the ground, wiping the perspiration off her slender face, still panting. She wished she was still back in Hitheros, in her bed, or even in the kitchens with all the other women.

Her ears perked. A rustle in the leaves. She hastily grabbed her spear and waited silently behind the large hibiscus.

She felt a harsh poke at her back.
“Got you” he said.
“No fair!” Fallon sighed, turning around. “You cheated.”
“Can’t help if I’m psychic now can I?” he retorted, raising an eyebrow at her.
“Pff. I kept you off me all day. That’s good isn’t it?”
“Sure… for a novice.” He chuckled.
Fallon narrowed her eyes. “Call me that again, Athos. You’ll regret it.”
His wrinkles flexed as he smiled at her. “Point taken. Your mother really wasn’t kidding when she said you were feisty.” Athos lowered his wooden sword, and put it back in its sheath. “There’s a small town about three leagues from here. We should be able to get back to Hitheros tomorrow and continue training in the courtyard. You always keep your back wide open.” He rolled his eyes.
“Spare me the lecture and give me lashes instead, Athos, they’re less painful” Fallon laughed, taking a drink from his water container. “Shall we?”
“Indeed,” Athos replied, “It won’t take long to get to Pernite. Erhya will be proud of you, Squirt.”

The sun was beginning to set as Athos and Fallon approached the gates of Pernite. Sweet summer air swept through the town’s quaint dirt roads, flickering the flames of the waxy white candles in the street lamps that lined the houses. Grapple trees dotted the horizon, their leaves shaking in the melodic wind. Such a sweet town, thought Fallon, removing the clip from her hair, allowing it to flirt with the breeze.

Athos tugged her along to the Inn, reserving horses to Hitheros the next morning, and a room for the night.

Hi there! As this is the literary forum, I'll refrain from critiquing the drawing too much but I think her arms are a little too long and the right goes the wrong way (should fold inwards at the elbow). Also the legs are rather long and I'm not sure about the way she's standing or how you've drawn the shoes but I love the hair, her clothes and the cut hand. Anyway, on to the story...

I think you have some pretty description and the action at the beginning is great but try to add a little more characterization to separate the boy and the girl. Also, a rough idea of how old they both are and some more character description would be nice. I think the dialogue suggests that both are young though Athos is probably a little older than Fallon? In which case, maybe try to make him sound a bit more mature.

Here's a few more specific suggestions -

Fallon sat on the ground, wiping the perspiration off her slender face, still panting. She wished she was [s]still[s] [Too repetitive.] back in Hitheros, in her bed, or even in the kitchens with all the other women.

“Got you,” he said.

“Can’t help if I’m psychic now can I?” he [Should be a capital after a question mark.] retorted, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Sure… for a novice.” [I think a comma and then a small letter might work better here.] He chuckled.

“Spare me the lecture and give me lashes instead, Athos, they’re less painful!” Fallon laughed, taking a drink from his water container. [Maybe describe the water container before this point or at least mention that he has one.]

Other than that, I think it's a good start. Feel free to let me know when you've posted more if you'd like me to take a look.

Many thanks on review
I wasn't expecting one on my drawing ^^ but still, you bring up very good points.

I think the dialogue suggests that both are young though Athos is probably a little older than Fallon? In which case, maybe try to make him sound a bit more mature.

I want to justify this bit though - Athos is quite older than Fallon. He's in his late 40's, I'd assume. Not sure though, because its not a lot of writing... yet But this is identified here:

Fallon narrowed her eyes. "Call me that again, Athos. You'll regret it."
His wrinkles flexed as he smiled at her.

If it ever gets finished, and if the concept works, there's going to be a tonne of characterization on Athos, and Fallon. Not to mention Erhya, but she's not "born" yet xD

Again, thank you for your time, compliments and critique!
*squee* ^^

Precariously, she held the heavy wooden spear in her hands as she ducked under a large hibiscus plant. ---- i think percariously should be somewhere in the middle of the sentence not the starting word.

Fallon gasped for air under the shade of the broad leaves, throwing down her spear to clutch her throbbing feet. --- okay. . . . first she's hiding and running, and now she's stopped to rub her feet? sounds stupid to me. . .

It was a bad choice of weapon- bulky, heavy and colorfully decorated. --- how would being colourfully decorated detract from the usefullness of a weapon??

Her ears perked. A rustle in the leaves. She hastily --- just so you know, words with "ly" at the end detract from ur story. . . ---grabbed her spear and waited silently behind the large hibiscus. --- u've already said it was a hibiscus, it's like saying, "I went to school with Sam. Sam and I were at school."


anyways - that's all i got time for - i'll edit the rest later!

cheers,

jai

CONTINUED EDIT

“No fair!” Fallon sighed --- she sighed the words "no fair"? talented girl

“Sure… for a novice.” He chuckled. ---- why did he chuckle?

His wrinkles flexed --- he can flex is wrinkles?

"We should be able to get back to Hitheros tomorrow and continue training in the courtyard. You always keep your back wide open.” ---- what? he was talking about hitheros, and suddenly he's talking about her back? maybe put in something that will indicate a pause in the conversation before that back wide open part.

The sun was beginning to set as Athos and Fallon approached the gates of Pernite. Sweet summer air --- the air tasted sweet???

Grapple --- apple? --- trees dotted the horizon, their leaves shaking in the melodic wind --- melodic wind???? sure. . .. --- Such a sweet town, thought Fallon, removing the clip from her hair, allowing it to flirt --- flirt!?!??!?! ---with the breeze.

Athos tugged her along to the Inn, reserving horses --- for the trip to --- Hitheros the next morning, and a room for the night. ---- reserving horses fpr a trip to hitheros and a room for the night? the sentence needs to be rearranged.


----

anyways - it's a good start.

keep on keeping on

jai

Okay, as you (sort of) stated in my little forumn-like-thingy, 'long critiques aren't my thing'. Well, actually, they are when I'm in the mood and not tired. So, before I forget all about your story and have to re-read it. Let me briefly edit/critique :

1. In my opinion (not so much everyone's opinion), you were not repetitive at all. So Monki ish very happy about that! Yay! Every sentence should be different, no matter how you word it.

2. Wow, use of big vocabulary! That's a plus! A+

3. There are some places in your dialogue that need a comma instead of a period at the end. But, other than that and one other thing that I'll mention below, I found major flaws.

4. The only other thing was your use of punctuation and capitalization. There are some places where you could use a certain punctuation mark or a capital letter, but... I'll get to the nit-picky stuff tomorrow. ... When I'm awake... After I drink coffee. Then I'm like that! *pokes devil smilie*

5. The drawing is absolutely perfect-I have nothing bad to say about it. It's just awesome!

Okee dokee. Well, tomorrow I'll get to the nit-picky stuff and edit your other excerpt.

Remember : Monki luffles P.!

tehe thanks monki ^^ I dont bother much about punctuation and stuff til I'm done the grunt work lol.
<3
Glad you like it and my drawing though :]

The first sentence seems to be written backwards to me, not to mention unnecessary. If you're gonna keep it, I'd rephrase it, or at least throw a comma after "trees" or something. Right after that, "precariously" definitely should not be the first word in that sentence. Personally, I'd change it to clumsily, but regardless of that, it should be before "held" or after "wooden spear." The sudden introduction of this "he" guy threw me off a bit, because you've declared the main character to female all of twice before you suddenly throw in a male pronoun.

That brings us to the fact that, immediately after stating how close her pursuer is, she stops. And she does it loudly, too, with gasping and clattering spears. Not too bright. The "her hands rubbed each other now" line is just sort of strange. I would just say that she rubbed her hands together, or "the blisters on her hands ached as she rubbed them together" or something. Last in that particular paragraph, the word "slender" is unnecessary; I'd leave it just face. It's a little too out of place to be describing her like that now.

"A rustle in the leaves" should come before "her ears perked," and the latter should have an "up" at the end of it. "Hastily" doesn't really need to be there, since "grabbed" already sort of implies that it's immediate and quick, but if you're going to keep an adjective, I'd make it "quickly" instead.

"Got you" needs a comma after "you," and "he said" doesn't introduce the character very well. Describe his voice better--establish the character immediately. "Got you," a gravely voice said behind her.

"Sighed" should probably be "accused," and there should be a comma after "psychic."
Instead of actually writing out "pff," say something like "Fallon scoffed" after the eyebrow line.

There should be a comma after "novice," which obviously would make He into he (but I don't need to tell you that).

You might consider changing "flexed" to "contorted" or something similar, but it really isn't necessary; it's fine the way it is.

Why does a wooden sword have a sheath? That seems slightly...foolish.

Rolling his eyes doesn't seem like the actions of a wrinkled war veteran or captain of the guard or whatever he is. "Admonished," or "shook his head" would be better. Probably the latter there.

Replace the comma after "Athos" in the next line with a period. It really should be a semicolon, but I don't think they look right in dialog. Your call, though. Also, there needs to be a comma after "painful."

Where did the water container come from? And what is it? A flask? A bladder? A sport bottle? Give it an introduction into the scene and a better description, even if it's only changing what you call it.

"Athos replied" should end in a period.

At the end, it seems rather sudden that you skipped their entire trip. Try to make it more apparent that you jumped; put an extra line between it, or a line or some asterisks or something.

For the amount of flowery description you give the town (plenty of alliteration), there really isn't much information about it, and the inn definitely comes out of nowhere. Give a little more concrete description of what the place looks like; what kind of buildings are there, how big is it, is there anyone in the streets, etcetera. I get the feeling that's it's sort of a medieval type place (because isn't it always?), but maybe it's more of a classical Greek design? Or maybe it's a Long Island Suburb. All I know is that there are dirt roads and candles.

The last line should really be a lot longer than a single sentence. Rather than telling us that they got a room and some horses, show them doing it. It seems lazy the way it is now.

Her hands rubbed each other now, blistered from contact with her spear.

Only one question: blister=pain, so why is she rubbing her hand together!? o_O Doesn't that hurt??

Fallon sat on the ground, wiping the prespiration off her slender face, still panting.

On last thing, you should definitely help us with the ages. I get the impression he's an older man and she's a youth, but you can't be sure and that makes it harder to grasp the relationship between the characters. At first I would have thought they were friends of the same age, but now he seems like a youthful teacher. =P

Otherwise it looks good! Keep it up.

the story is good and i wish that you would talk more about Ahtos and i hope you make it longer