Young Writers Society

*note* I had posted this story about an hour ago, but it was the first draft. Here's the real thing, Raw Dog

RAW DOG


A metal slug whizzed through the air, burying itself in the concrete. Fire illuminated the scene: gunfire, pounding through the door like it was glass. Matty shot off a burst from his pistols. An scream came out from behind the door. A momentary cease in fire followed, then more bullets. TOne found it's mark: Matty's arm. The open wound gushed blood, and the dusty air scratche the cut more. Matty’s face contorted, pain blazing through him.

“Dammit,” he shouted.

A voice came over the speakers. “Loy-al-civ-il-ians,-we-urge-you-to sur-ren-der. Drop-your-arms, and-we-will-hurt-none-of-you.”

“A load of crap!” cried a soldier from the staircase. He fired his rifle at the source of the command: a speaker mounted against the wall. The sparks hung in the air, surrounded by the depression of the words. "Are we really surrounded, you think?"

“Soldier, of course we’re surrounded. What the hell else are we supposed to do but surrender?” Matty reloaded his twin pistols as he spoke.

“I’m not going’ down in prison, sarge!”

As he spoke, he jumped down from the banister, young and bloody. A scar dominated his face. Matty ducked behind a couch and grabbed at the boy's leg.

“Get down or they’ll shoot you!” I cover his body, and then popped up and shot a burst, the ducked down again.

The boy was crying now. He was loading his rifle, and adjusted the gunblade.

Matty’s gaze turned away from the door and at the soldier. He knew what he was about to do. He wouldn’t stop him.

The boy charged from behind the couch. Bullets tore through his body, and he lay limp on the floor.

From the cover of the couch, Matty solaced in a cigarette. The door wouldn’t hold up much longer. He let his pistols drop to the floor, and he took some of the white fluff from the couch and held it out.

“He-sur-end-dured. Cease-fire.” Their voices were unnatural and robotic to Matty. How strange the new world would be, with them around, he wondered to himself.

One approached, and he pushed away from the couch.

“I give up.”

----

Matty was the last one left. He looked over the ruins of his hometown, now ablaze. He couldn’t help thinking if this was mankind’s fault. And it was. Too preoccupied with their war to notice the threat all around them.

Matty’s cell was cold and made of stone, but that didn’t matter now. The guards were outside the door, growling. That didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered now.

He took out his wooden spoon, the last thing he had. It had been painstakingly whittled down to a point. Matty had found a way out.

A wolf saw him, holding the spoon to his heart, and burst in, howling.

“Stupid little creature!”

“Stu-pid-litt-le-hu-man.”

A metal device spoke the words for it. A gun slung over its shoulder. It stood upright on it's paws, and towered eight feet high. Its forepaws resembled much more a human than a dog.

"You-thought-you-were-cle-ver. Look-at-you-now. You-all-thought-that. Now-your-dead. “

“We’ll see about that.”

Matty stuck the spoon through the creature’s heart. He unslung the rifle from it's dead body.

“Look who’s top dog now.”

Matty steeled himself up for antother fight.

Wow. This is only the first part, right? There will be more? Only found one typo, and some thoughts,.

Guns tore through his body, and hey lay limp on the floor.

When I read this, I had an image of guns flying through this boy's body. It was pretty gruesome. It was also strange because the enemy was throwing their guns at him. However, that image lasted only for .1 seconds before it clicked, so it's fine. It was just a strange image. Oh, and I think you meant 'he'.

Other than that, it was good. It grabbed me at the first sentence. It was full of action, but it was the fact that the action felt relevant tot he story that kept me. If I think it's all bombs and screams and it doesn't move the story forward, I get annoyed. But you kept things moving with the surrender command. Again, it was good.

Keep it up!



Dreamer

A metal slug whizzed through the air, burying itself in the concrete. Fire illuminated the scene: gunfire, pounding through the door like it was glass. Matty shot off a clip from his rifle. An scream burst out from behind the door. A momentary cease in fire followed, then more bullets. They tore through Matty’s arm. The open wound gushed blood, and the dusty air infected the injury. Matty’s face contorted, pain blazing through him.

This paragraph bothers me a bit. There's just something about it that seems a bit unrealistic. First of all...would he really expend a whole magazine of ammo in a single burst of fire? Can he afford to do that? From the situation, it sounds desperate.

Also..."they" tore through his arm? As in...more than one? Anything more than a couple bullets, regardless of caliber, is gonna rip that arm to shreds. Instead of having him take many bullets, how about limiting it to just one? Unless he's a superhero, of course.

Furthermore...he has twin pistols and a rifle? Why? If it's just to be cool...I'd cut it and reduce it to just a rifle and a single sidearm. Twin pistols are just too darn overused to be cool anymore.

What follows is a mad jumble of dialog and pronouns. You have two characters here, obviously, but you only establish Matty. I think you should take a few sentences to set the scene before you kill off Matty's sole companion. I think it should go something like this:

"Matty ejected the empty magazine of one of his pistols and jammed a fresh one in, glancing at his companion. The young man, barely more than a kid, wore an expression of pure terror on his horribly scarred face.

'I’m not going’ down in prison, sarge!' the kid said."

etc.

It shows the interaction between Matty and the kid, and differentiates them when the kid moves to rush the enemy.

A note on the speech of the robot-wolf things: It's strange, because even though you spell everything differently, the pronunciation is exactly the same as it would be speaking normally. Find a different speech pattern for them, because right now it's just a gimmick.

Otherwise, it reads well and sounds good. You could add description to establish setting, as well as giving us a more clear description of our main character and the enemy he faces. A good time to describe the baddies in this segment of the story would be when the wolf-robot thing jumps at him in the prison cell.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments on this critique--I'll be glad to try to explain it to you.

--Hunter

first of all, nice story.

second:

A metal slug whizzed through the air, burying itself in the concrete. Fire illuminated the scene: gunfire, pounding through the door like it was glass --- what? a door is a door - why would a bullet be pounding through the door like glass???

Matty shot off a clip from his rifle. An --- I think you mean "A scream" scream burst out from behind the door. A momentary cease in --- the word "in" not needed, should be "A momentary cease fire followed --- fire followed, then more bullets. They tore through Matty’s arm --- I agree with Hunter here, one bullet should suffice --- . The open wound gushed blood, and the dusty air infected the injury --- an infection that fast??? WOW ---. Matty’s face contorted, pain blazing through him.

“Dammit,” he muttered. --- I don't know about you, but if I had just been shot int he arm (perhaps several times), I wouldn't be muttering "dammit", I'd be SCREAMING it.

A voice came over the speakers. “Loyal civilians, we urge you to surrender. Drop your arms, and we will hurt none of you.” ---- I'm confused - later on in the story, the wolf-robots speak in a disembodied voice - why isn't it like that now?

“A load of crap!” cried a soldier from the staircase. He fired his rifle into the source of the sound ---- maybe you meant "He fired his rifle AT the source of THE COMMAND ---. The sparks hung in the air, as well as the gloominess of the words --- which words? the "a load of crap", or "surrender now"?.

He jumped down from the banister, young and bloody --- you should state that the other man, not Matty jumped from the banister, coz I was thinking Matty did ---. A scar dominated his face. Matty ducked behind a couch and grabbed his ---- THE OTHER MAN'S LEG ---- leg.

“Get down or they’ll shoot you!”

The boy was crying now. He loaded his rifle, and adjusted the gunblade.

Guns --- bullets? --- tore through his body, and hey --- he --- lay limp on the floor. --- when I first read this, I was like, "What?" You never said the boy rushed at the robot-wolves, so I spent a minute re-reading to see what I had missed.

“He sur end dured. Se ease fire.” Their voices were unnatural and robotic to Matty. How strange the new world would be, with them around, he wondered --- thought, not wondered --- to himself.

Matty was the last one left. He looked over the ruins of his hometown, now ablaze. He couldn’t help thinking if this was man’s fault --- who's fault? Do you mean "mankind's" fault? that would make more sense --- . And it was. To --- too --- preoccupied with their war to notice the threat all around them.

Matty’s cell was cold and made of stone, but that didn’t matter now. The guards were outside the door, growling. That didn’t matter now --- repetitive.

A wolf saw him, and burst in, howling. --- a wolf saw him, so he burst in howling? Didn't the wolf see him before? Maybe it should be, "The wolf guard saw Matty clenching something in his palm, and tore open the cell door." ---

A metal device spoke the words for it. A gun slung over its shoulder. --- I fail to see how a normal wolf can even fire a gun. And a gun slung around a wolf's shoulder would hang to the ground.

Matty stuck the spoon through the creature’s heart. --- there's too much action happening in that one line for it to be only one line, you know what I mean? If i had been speed reading, I would've missed the wolf's death --- He grabbed its rifle. --- but I thought the rifle was slung over its shoulder? If so, Matty would have had to lift the wolf up to remove the rifle.

“Look who’s top dog now.” --- nice line, but I would be more worried about the other guards standing outside the prison cell.

-----------

anyway, that's me - I hope my critique helps you in some way

cheers!

jai

Jonny--in response to your PM...

I think a good way to describe the speech of the creatures, after talking to you about it, would be to type it out normally, then break it up from there. For example:

"Yue thot yue wer cle ver. Lok at yue now. Yue all thot that. Now yur dead."

The actual sentence, sans broken speech, is this: "You thought you were clever. Look at you now. You all thought that. Now you're dead."

Try this.

"You-thought-you-were-cle-ver. Look-at-you-now. You-all-thought-that. Now-you-are-dead."

Since the sentence is mostly once syllable words anyway, it's hard to see the difference just using that, so let's use a sentence with some bigger words.

"He sur end dured. Se ease fire."

Changed to:

"He-sur-ren-dered. Cease-fire."

Now that I understand where you're coming from, I can see why you're having trouble with the speech. It's kind of an odd concept to write on paper, even if it's easy enough to do in person. Again, let me know if I can help in any way.

Thanks for the help! I'm almost finished editing. Check out the Companion story, Cipher!

Good job, here. You had me intrigued for the majority of the story; a combination of realistic dialogue and high-octane action. Some of your descriptions, however, are difficult to follow/read and are too...unconventional. Like this:

TOne found it's mark: Matty's arm. The open wound gushed blood, and the dusty air scratche the cut more.

It would be so much easier to say that he was shot in the arm rather than going through all that unnessecary step-by-step description. But don't be too blunt; we want art and sophistaction along with a good story. Consider reworking to say something like this: "Grunting, Matty's shoulder jerked back, pain bayoneting up his arm like a white hot poker. He was hit. Blood immediatly began trickling down his arm, the dusty air inflaming the wound." That's totally my voice and my style, but pull off those sentences similarly. Just say he was shot.

Yeah, follow Hunter's suggestions. He's the firearms authority here at YWS. Twin pistols are overused.

Dialogue good, characterization good. However these portions are a tad unrealistic:

"Stupid little creature!"

You've made it quite clear these wolf-things aren't small. They're massive, in fact. Why is calling them little? To irritate them? Why would he need to irritate them? They're robots. They don't have emotions.

Matty stuck the spoon through the creature's heart. He unslung the rifle from it's dead body.

Two things wrong here. A.) You just raced through this part. Elaborate, please. I want to know more. Make this a fight scene or something. B.) This thing is a robot. Do you really think a wooden spoon is going to go through it's metallic armor. If it's not metal, tell us that.

Good stuff here. Keep up the good work.

-Kylan

I really liked it, i think when you use wrods like 'sur-ren-der' etc. i get the feeling it is a robotic voice speaking without you having to tell me, its a good way of creating imagery.