Young Writers Society

CIPHER


Danny was quite surprised to see the head. It was dead… finally. We had slaved long and hard over hot machine guns to get this one. Matty slipped me the pay: ten grand. Gonna buy me a new pair of shoes.

Not many of us were left in Alpha Section. It felt like me and Danny were the only ones who could get stuff done around here. Everyone else was doctors, lawyers. It paid to be a hitman.

I checked to see whether my revolver was loaded. It was, as usual. Time here had done stuff to my head. This place was crazy. The siren interrupted my thoughts. Again? Crap.

There were only ten this time, enough to deal with easy. I got two on their head, one against the shoulder. Grenades knocked out the rest. Supply Man was down the hall, so I took an early break.

“Hey, Man. Where’s the stuff today, huh?” I could see Supply Man felt guilty.

“We’re low. Got nothing’ for yah.”

Low? That was new. “What the hell?”

“It’s those damn Cipher. They got the warehouse yesterday. It’s getting bad round here.”

“I’ll say.” I stuck a cigarette in my mouth, and reached for my lighter.

“Cigger’s havin’ a shortage too.”

“Let’s not let this one got to waste, shall we?” I handed Supply Man a cigarette and passed him the lighter. He shook his head in refusal. Fine then.

“So, when we takin’ the house back?”

“We’re not taking the warehouse back, if that’s what you mean. You got your pay, you don’t need anything else, Hitman.”

Matty had come behind us. I didn’t hesitate to flip him off: it was something of a greeting for us. But he seemed different. His hair was dirty and grayer. Had it been that long since he’d seen him? It was only a few hours before. And he spoke sternly. He must have had a rough time with the Ciphers. Damn them!

Supply man began down the hall. He had noticed the change in Matty too. Must’ve been scared. He was only thirteen.

Matty grabbed at my revolver. Huh? I yanked it out of his hands. “Whats the deal?”

“Didn’t Supply Man tell you, shortages.”

“To hell with them, that’s my Bessy!” I had remoistened my revolver.

“Don’t you dare say that!” Matty was fuming.

“It’s just one name! You’ve got one, and…”

The siren broke out. Matty took the revolver out again. I lashed out at his arm, but it was too late: he tossed it into the ruble.

“No names! Your frontline, Hitman.”

My fist seared as in contacted with Matty’s jaw. He retaliated with a kick against my stomach, as we reeled back in pain, shouting cusses and rude comments about the other’s mother.

Fire could be heard through the door now. Bullets glanced of the wall.

Matty grabbed his twin pistols from the holster. “These aren’t meant for you, but dammit don’t get in my way!” He ducked behind a nightstand, and let lose a barrage of bullets. I could hear the wolves shout with pain.

A solider was on the stairwell now, shooting of an SMG. Slugs turned the door to cheese.

“I hate you!”

That was the last I saw of my father. Damn him! I bolted to the passage. Fresh air was in reach.

A Cipher reached out his arms.

“Stop-or-be-kill-ed, hu-man. What-is-this.”

“This is Jonny, bitches. And if you don’t kill everyone in their I’ll knife you right in the heart!”

The wolf smiled. I was on his side now. I was the winner. I was Jonny.

Hm. Not badly done. I like your narrative voice in this piece. It helps us get to know your character quickly. The John of CIPHER is rather a step up from the John of Dangerous Ink, character-development-wise. (BTW, are all your male protagonists named John? XD)

As for crit... let's see here.

His hair was dirty and grayer. Had it been that long since he’d seen him? It was only a few hours before.

Now, perhaps I'm naive and inexperienced in the ways of the world, but I'm pretty sure, in most cases, hair doesn't gray quite that quickly. A few days, I can maybe see, but hours?

Supply man began down the hall. He had noticed the change in Matty too. Must’ve been scared. He was only thirteen.

Wait, Matty's 13 and he's already going gray? Or did you mean Supply Man was 13? I'm confused.

In fact, a lot of the piece was... kinda confusing. I dunno. Maybe that's the point?

In any case, nice job. I look forward to reading more. ^_^

Dude. You swore in your writing for once. Nice job, dude.

I've gotta say, this is going to be a favorite of mine, my friend. Only a few things;

How old exactly are your characters supposed to be? I mean, I've had ten year olds with gray hair, but it's slightly confusing in this part.

hey!

another good piece for a 14 yr old!

but here's the stuff I picked up:

Danny was quite surprised to see the head --- here explain what kind of head it is. I was knew it was gonna be a wolf, but your other readers will not know this --- . It was dead… finally. We had slaved long and hard over hot machine guns to get this one --- why was he surprised to see the head, then, if he had been slaving over it long and hard? (((that sounds sooooo wrong *laughs*)))---. Matty slipped me the pay: ten grand. Gonna buy me a new pair of shoes --- LMFAO!.

Not many of us were left in Alpha Section. It felt like me and Danny --- Danny and I, unless you are trying to make the storyteller sound illiterate --- were the only ones who could get stuff done around here. Everyone else was --- were --- doctors, lawyers. It paid to be a hitman.

I checked to see whether my revolver was loaded. It was, as usual. Time here had done stuff to my head. This place was crazy --- you've gone off on a tangent here - first he checks his revolver to see if it was loaded, and then he thinks this place was crazy? Ahem - he's the hitman killing Wolves, of course it's gonna be weird ---. The siren interrupted my thoughts. Again? Crap --- if I was in his place, "crap" wouldn't suffice. I mean, I guess Johnny's a military-ish guy, right? Even if he is young (guessing around 16?), he'd still cuss better than a Marine ---.

There were only ten this time --- this would be a great place to descirbe the Wolves. I haven't read any more of your work (that'll change) but Raw Dog and this, and other readers might have read less, so I suggest describing the characters and Wolves in every seperate story ---, enough to deal with easy. I got two on their head --- very grammatically incorrect, "I shot two between the eyes, a wave of nausea washing over me as I saw the pink and grey spray exit the back of their heads, and another shot from my revolver had a Wolf down with a torn shoulder." sounds much better, eh? --- , one against the shoulder. Grenades knocked out the rest --- "scattering animal body parts" ---. Supply Man was down the hall, so I took an early break --- I don't get this; are they fighting in a building? If so, I think barakades could have been put up, and 2) what is a civilian/non-fighter doing only a hall away from the fighting?? ---.

“Hey, Man. Where’s the stuff today, huh?” I could see Supply Man felt guilty --- better said as, "A look of guilt slid across the Supply Man's face ---.

“We’re low. Got nothing’ for yah.”

Low? That was new. “What the hell?”

“It’s those damn Cipher. They got the warehouse yesterday. It’s getting bad round here.” --- again perhaps this is where you should explain what/who a Cipher is ---

“I’ll say.” I stuck a cigarette in my mouth, and reached for my lighter.

“Cigger’s --- cigarettes doesn't have a ' so neither sould ciggers --- havin’ a shortage too.”

“Let’s not let this one got to waste, shall we?” I handed Supply Man a cigarette and passed him the lighter. He shook his head in refusal --- why would he accept the cigarette, but not light up? Maybe you mean, "I tried to give Supply Man a cigarette from my dwindling pack, but he shook his head in refusal." --- . Fine then.

“So, when we takin’ the house back?”

--- here should be, "Supply Man opened his mouth to speak, but the words came from behind me." so that we know Supply Man didn't say the following, and it also introduces Matty back more smoothly ---

“We’re not taking the warehouse back, if that’s what you mean. You got your pay, you don’t need anything else, Hitman.”

Matty had come behind us. I didn’t hesitate to flip him off: it was something of a greeting for us. But he seemed different. His hair was dirty and grayer. Had it been that long since he’d seen him? It was only a few hours before. And he spoke sternly. He must have had a rough time with the Ciphers. Damn them! --- confusing paragraph. With it I think you were just trying to get you're word count up. Maybe if you link it with some more history about the Ciphers ---

Supply man --- Man --- began down the hall. He had noticed the change in Matty too. Must’ve been scared. He was only thirteen --- "too young to be delivering supplies to an active army. --- thus avoidin confusion about who exactly is 13 - the Supply Man, or Matty.

Matty grabbed at my revolver. Huh? I yanked it out of his hands. “Whats --- What's --- the deal?”

“Didn’t Supply Man tell you, shortages.”

“To hell with them, that’s my Bessy!” I had remoistened --- remoistened? FTW? --- my revolver.

“Don’t you dare say that!” Matty was fuming.

“It’s just one name! You’ve got one, and…”

The siren broke out. Matty took the revolver out again. I lashed out at his arm, but it was too late: he tossed it into the ruble --- rubble. I also don't understand why he tossed a perfectly good revolver into the rubble when they were facing a war ---

“No names! Your --- You're --- frontline, Hitman.”

My fist seared as in contacted with Matty’s jaw --- "The skin over my knuckles split as my fist contacted with Matty's jaw." more description is needed throughout this ---. He retaliated with a kick against --- instead of "against" have "to" --- my stomach. *as - not needed* we --- We --- reeled back in --- "almost similtaneous" --- pain, shouting cusses and rude comments about the other’s mother --- "at each other" ---.

Fire could be heard through the door now --- "Rifle fire" instead of just fire - unless something is burning, and you're refering to the crackle of burning wood ---. Bullets glanced of the wall --- "near us, causing us both to cringe and duck." ---.

Matty grabbed his twin pistols from the holster ---holsters ---. “These aren’t meant for you, but dammit don’t get in my way!” He ducked behind a nightstand, and let lose a barrage of bullets. I could hear the wolves shout with pain. --- can wolves shout with pain? You really need to describe for us the wolves, what they are and how they became that way ---

A solider was on the stairwell now, shooting of an SMG --- doesn't make sense. "shooting OUT of an SMG"? And for those at home who don't know what a SMG is, please explain ---. Slugs turned the door to --- Swiss ---cheese.

“I hate you!”

That was the last I saw of my father --- nice twist, but it must be awfully hard times where a father kicks a son in the stomach ---. Damn him! I bolted to the passage. Fresh air was in reach.

A Cipher reached out his arms.

“Stop-or-be-kill-ed, hu-man. What-is-this.”

“This is Jonny, bitches --- strange. Doesn't fit, and sounds ridiculas ---. And if you don’t kill everyone in their --- there --- I’ll knife you right in the heart!” --- I don't get it. If it had been a long and hard battle between them, and Johnny had just been paid for that, why would he be joining the side of the enemy? Confusing. ---

The wolf smiled --- what? It accepted Jonny's words just like that? No questioning? No thinking that Jonny might be a spy? Not realistic ---. I was on his side now. I was the winner. I was Jonny.

---------------

overall, a good read - I like critiquing your work, as it is easy to do - you don't make many mistakes, and when you do, they are only tiny.

keep on keeping on!

jai

A solider was on the stairwell now, shooting of an SMG. Slugs turned the door to cheese.

It sounds like you have a ray gun that turns stuff into cheese. If, say, a very naive teenager were to read this, they might think the enemy is throwing slugs at the door and that the slugs are making the door turn into cheese.

“This is Jonny, bitches. And if you don’t kill everyone in their I’ll knife you right in the heart!”

I think you mean 'there.'

Overall, I think it was great.