Young Writers Society

(I haven't written in a while, so this is my coming back story. I don't know if it's that good. Please critique. Also, I don't have MS Word so I have no way to spell check besides using my own brain.)

The cold winter air blew through the quiet town, making the snow covered trees quiver violently. A hooded figure jogged down a street, making no noise at all. With a disheveled sigh, the figure pulled down the hood, revealing his shadowy face. His messy, midnight black hair fell over his dull grey eyes. He had stopped jogging, now he stood still in the darkness. He ran a hand through his hair, yanking at some of the knots he didn't bother to comb out. Black jeans clung tightly onto his skin, matching his black tank top. He saw a teenage girl around his age sitting alone at a stop sign. A wicked grin formed on his thin lips, and a tingle ran through his entire body. The girl leaned against the pole, looking quite scared. She cradled her bulkly, leather purse in one hand while holding a cellphone to her ear with the other.

He approached her, his wicked grin had faded into a mere friendly smile. He extended a hand to her, "I'm Harkin."

The girl looked up at him, mesmerized by his good looks. She had almost forgotten that she was still talking on the cellphone. Quickly, she put the phone back to her ear.

"Nikky, can I call you back later?" She said into the phone speaker, waiting for a response. Once she said goodbye, she snapped the phone shut. She reached out her hand and took Harkin's hand. "I'm Vala."

Harkin's smile grew wider as he heard her name. Vala means Chosen, Why would her parents name her Chosen? He pondered the thought in his mind for a few seconds.

"You have a lovely name," He let go of her hand, letting it fall gently back to her waist.

"As do you," Vala replied, a confident tone in her voice as she looked deep into his eyes.

"Can you tell me which way Darke Street is?" Harkin asked, shifting most of his weight onto his other foot. He glanced over the girl for the first time. He noticed that she was rather beautiful, but it didn't matter, she would be just another meal for him.

"Sure," Vala said, a smile upon her lips aswell. She turned and pointed straight ahead. In that moment, Harkin was on her. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, his grey eyes had now turned into a crimson color.

"Did your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?" He murmured quietly as his fangs slid from his gums. Before she could scream, Harkin's fangs had penetrated the skin on her neck, the blood already flowing rapidly into his mouth. The taste of the girl's blood was so addicting, like a drug. Like lightning, Vala's hand shot out, grabbing Harkin's neck. She pulled him away from her own body, digging her nails which felt as sharp as claws into his neck. He struggled in her grip, his breath coming out in ragged gasps, even though he didn't need to breathe.

"Didn't your parents ever tell you not to bite strangers?" Vala chuckled, licking her lips. Her eyes turned a transparent, silver color and the bite mark on her neck healed as if by magic.That's when Harkin realized it, when everything made sense. Vala was a werewolf.

The cold winter air blew through the quiet town, making the snow covered trees quiver violently. A hooded figure jogged down a street, making no noise at all. With a disheveled sigh, the figure pulled down the hood, revealing his shadowy face. His messy, midnight black hair fell over his dull grey eyes. He had stopped jogging, now he stood still in the darkness. He ran a hand through his hair, yanking at some of the knots he didn't bother to comb out. Black jeans clung tightly onto his skin, matching his black tank top. He saw a teenage girl around his age sitting alone at a stop sign. A wicked grin formed on his thin lips, and a tingle ran through his entire body. The girl leaned against the pole, looking quite scared. She cradled her bulkly, leather purse in one hand while holding a cellphone to her ear with the other

You can capture our attention better than this. You had a good start, but it seems... I don't know... *deep forboding voice* "In the dark of the night..."
We don't need to know his hair or eye color at this time. In some characters, it isn't even relevant. In your case though, you reveal his more prominant features later, so you can nix that here, along with the descriptioni of his clothes
Vara doesn't act scared later....

The girl looked up at him, mesmerized by his good looks. She had almost forgotten that she was still talking on the cellphone. Quickly, she put the phone back to her ear

She would probably recognize a vampire if she saw one, with the events you reveal later. Give us some defining features here. What makes him good looking? Maybe she thinks his eyes are pretty, or simply finds his demeanor attractive.

Harkin's smile grew wider as he heard her name. Vala means Chosen, Why would her parents name her Chosen? He pondered the thought in his mind for a few seconds

You can reveal this a lot better. Perhaps later, when they become partners ;)

"Can you tell me which way Darke Street is?" Harkin asked, shifting most of his weight onto his other foot. He glanced over the girl for the first time. He noticed that she was rather beautiful, but it didn't matter, she would be just another meal for him.

"Dark street" sounds a little.... cliche, considering he is a vampire. Of course, you could make this a common question asked by vampires. That would be interesting....
The part in bold... I think you should reword it. "She is so lovely." he thought. "A shame I have to kill her."
We need some emotion from him.

"Sure," Vala said, a smile upon her lips aswell. She turned and pointed straight ahead. In that moment, Harkin was on her. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, his grey eyes had now turned into a crimson color.

Personally, I think that the eyes are a little too obvious. You could make it something more subtle, like his pupils dilating, becoming more romantically minded... etc....

"Did your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?" He murmured quietly as his fangs slid from his gums. Before she could scream, Harkin's fangs had penetrated the skin on her neck, the blood already flowing rapidly into his mouth. The taste of the girl's blood was so addicting, like a drug. Like lightning, Vala's hand shot out, grabbing Harkin's neck. She pulled him away from her own body, digging her nails which felt as sharp as claws into his neck. He struggled in her grip, his breath coming out in ragged gasps, even though he didn't need to breathe.

Why would she scream? She knows what he is. You know, there's always one thing that's bugged me about vampires... how do they drink the blood? People tend to focus on the bite alot. You switch characters in this paragraph.
THIS^^^^^^ would be a good side-effect of the vampire about to kill. Maybe he needs air to stimulate his fangs... or whatever. Give us some details.

"Didn't your parents ever tell you not to bite strangers?" Vala chuckled, licking her lips. Her eyes turned a transparent, silver color and the bite mark on her neck healed as if by magic.That's when Harkin realized it, when everything made sense. Vala was a werewolf.

Again, the Vampire/Werewolf thing is kind of cliche. X( Why don't you use another creature, such as a... uh... can't think of anything right now Also, there has to be some sign that she's a were wolf. Does she wear a hat all the time? Does she... excell in her sports? Like raw meat? We need to know these things

Overall, it was pretty good. Interesting, but a bit inconsistent. Read it out loud to yourself, and see what you think. Uh... feel free to PM me for whatever you need :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Thanks. About the whole there has to be signs that he is a vampire, she knows he is a vampire. She is really an assasin, sent to kill vampires, but I wasn't going to reveal that until I did the next chapter of this...So I guess I had to tell you now...

Well, you don't have to reveal it now, you CAN reveal it later. Just have her react differently, like she's not phased at all by his "Where's Darke Street?" thing.

Also, if she know's that he's a vampire, he should notice that she doesn't react the same, or have her react like "dark hair... grey eyes... wandering at night... this must be they guy." or something to that extent. We need to know why she knows he's a vampire. Does that make sense?

If you want her to be an assasin, she would probably be lurking behind him, following his trail, whipping out her knife... you know, normal assasin stuff. She probably wouldn't need him to attempt to attack her unless vampires come out of hiding when they see food... or something. Just need some details. That's all.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Yes, I see your point.

i think you have a good story line going. it got my attention from the beginning. with a little work, this will be great. keep going on it.

kim

That was very good,how ever i do agreee witha previous comment, give some hints about Harkin being a vampire.
it was very good and it gripped me from the beginning.

seraphTree went on saying how the beginning didn't catch her interest, saying it was good, but could have been a little more catching. This beginning, however, is quite intersting to me. I have comments that are mostly against seraphtree's. I like the vampire/werwolf thing, it seems like a book I would read just because of the vampire/werewolf thing ( I don't find many out there that are good). About the Darke Street, it actually makes me sort of intriqued ( mainly because my brain- as soon as it read the words' darke street' made me wonder if there was anything odd that had happened on this street... I also like the word darke). I agree with the two people ahead of me though, giving hints about harken being a vampire would be great. At one point you were in harken's point of view. Maybe in the begining you stick with 'The cold winter air blew through the queite town' ( excuse spelling please) and continue with your description, but have harken smell something sweet ( you know, I bet he's attracted to the smell of blood) and looks up and sees valva. This is sorta like a hint he's a vampire guess. But if your fixing that paragraph so that its just valva's point of view that nevermind that last coment. I like your names, they're cool. Great job, and continue with this, I really want to read it. PM me when you get the newest addition so I can read it.

Thanks everyone who has given posited feedback on this.

I'm probably going to edit this tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

~Spirit

I'm an idiot. Where i said, the thing about 'must notice something about being a vampire' I ddin't see your point. Sooorrry!! *looks down at feet glumly*

Lol, It's okay.