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Young Writers Society


In The Line Of Fire (removed from story)



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Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:53 am
EliteHusky says...



“Would everybody please rise and welcome, the Athlone Greeneyes!”

Thomas covered his ears as the building erupted in cheering. They had just entered the room in which the game was being played except it was the other way around, the café was never the central point, that was this stadium and the door connecting the two merely acted as passage between the two at which William told him was there to probably stop non-magical folk.

The chanting grew louder as the team entered the stadium through the café door. Thomas couldn’t help but stare at them as they came out in their bright green and white uniforms, which included a dark green cape. One by one they came out holding their broomsticks, as the announcer read their names,

“Number four, Audrey Ramsey!”

The cheering grew immensely loud as the brown-haired player named Audrey walked past Thomas, who was merely five feet away, the number four was clearly marked in green on his white shin pads. He got into position on his broomstick as every eye in the stadium gazed upon him and waited until every other player was called out. Then, they took off, flying in a straight line around the field in circles.

“Why are they called the Greeneyes!” Thomas shouted towards Charlie, who had just bought himself a pair of shin pads with the number four written on them.

“There’s a rumour,” Charlie shouted back while keeping his eyes on the field, “that all of the players on that team cannot see the colour green, well okay they can, but it doesn’t stand out much for them!”

“Why on earth does that matter!”

You’ve got to be barking mad Thomas!” Charlie smiled giving a weak attempt of a cheer as the Greeneyes landed outside of the line of fire and rested their broomsticks on the short grass. “The entire field is green, even the dark parts within the line of fire with forests are dark green! Sighting the coins shouldn’t be a problem for them.

Thomas gripped the rails that were ahead of him as he stared down at field. There were two long poles on opposite ends and at the top of each a basket rested securely attached. The line of fire was directly below Thomas but he could barely see into the forest that was within. Surely he had to be at least forty if not fifty feet above it.

“Would you now welcome, the Nottingham Griffins!”

On the other side of the stadium through a similar door, players wearing brown uniforms and similar dark green capes entered, one by one.

“Number fifty-seven, Boris Serpentine!”
When all of the teams were on the field a horn blew to signal the start.

Cheering once more enveloped the building as the players from Athlone slowly disappeared within the forest wielding their wands.

Everybody was now watching from the two giant screens placed at either side of the stadium. Each screen would only focus on player for about five seconds before moving on.

Thomas continued to watch from the giant screen across from him as he tried to follow the game. So far six players from Athlone had jumped on their broomsticks and had deposited each a yellow coin inside their basket. Everybody rose to their feet as the player named Audrey slid out of the forest and crawled to his feet as he clutched a brown coin that was magnified on the screen ahead. The player named Rory wasn’t so lucky. As he left the forest a snare came out of the ground and snared his left ankle, before he met the Line Of Fire. Everybody stared aghast as he fell and one by one goblins came out cautiously and dragged him back inside, his face bearing blistering red slashes as they whipped him along the way. The screen immediately switch to Rory as the crowd saw the sky above, before it switched back to a player from Nottingham called Robin Iverson. Suddenly he felt his muscles contract, as he was drained of all energy as he tried to resist.

“Looks like the wand-cams are working fine today,” William muttered towards Charlie who moved closer towards him.

“I reckon they’ll lose the feed of one player at least,” Charlie countered as the silver-domed roof above started splitting open as sunlight poured onto the field.

“We should go home, Mum and Dad asked us to when it stopped raining.” William said as glanced towards Thomas who seemed to be still.

“Thomas, you don’t mind if we head home do you?” Charlie shouted over the cheering as he walked back towards him.

Before he could reach Thomas however two hooded men came passing by the lane behind him.

For a second Charlie thought nothing of it as one of the two strangers in the black cloak passed by casually but something wasn’t right. They were lifting him together from both sides and as William and Charlie ran towards them they threw him over the railing and started to run.

Thomas fell until he had entered the forest and was no longer visible from above. Screams erupted in parts of the stadium as the announcer reported out loud that help was on the way. Branch after branch flipped and dealt blows to him as he landed on his back and finally felt the moist green grass ram him.

Up above, William and Charlie had jump-tackled the two hooded strangers as an officer came and helped pin them down.

“I’ll kill you I swear I will!” William shouted as he pulled back each of the two hoods revealing Gregory and Elizabeth.
Last edited by EliteHusky on Sun Dec 23, 2007 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:25 pm
wellmanwriter says...



It'd help if you explained a little more about what's going on. I have no idea what the line of fire is- but apparently it's important since it's the title.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
-Oscar Wilde.
  





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Fri Dec 14, 2007 9:09 pm
Gladius says...



Good story- can't wait for more. ^_^

You've done well with all the technical stuff so far, but one thing that tends to bug me (personally) is run-on sentences- one of which you have in the first paragraph. >_>

Also, there are some places you need punctuation (ex., the last paragrah, William says, "I'll kill you I swear I will!"- it should be "I'll kill you. I swear I'll kill you!" or something like that). Early on, you also have a few places like this: "Why on Earth does that matter!" It should end in a ?.

Oh, Oh, a cliff-hanger! Gotta love them for their ability to instil suspense in readers. :P Can't wait to see what happens to Thomas- and who Elizabeth and Gregory are...

So, good job so far!
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

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"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn
  





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Sat Dec 15, 2007 4:02 am
MidnightVampire says...



I can't do the little quote thingys so here it is. When it says "Before he could reach Thomas however (comma) two hooded ...." and the paragraph after that, I got a little confuzed about what was happening. For those two paragraphs I sorta felt like you had everything you needed and put it on tv. Then pressed the fast forward button. Either that or you just left out a few clarifying details.
  








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