z

Young Writers Society


Vereor



Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 4
Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:49 pm
whackyjacky07 says...



Vereor


Caves are Dark places, usually, dark wet, dangerous! But with new technology, 8 Special Forces marines must clear out this one cave because of a nuclear leak 4 years ago. The cave used to be a mine but not any more, now the workers, were dead, at least the government thought they were, until August, 1984, Texas…


5AM
As Sergeant Andersons eyes scrolled across the check list, he ticked each of the 8 Marines that were present, Sergeant Anderson, Corporal Jones, and corporal Hewitt, Corporal ‘black bear’ Johnson, Corporal Smith, Corporal Moore, corporal Fox, and Lieutenant Archer. These were the 8 Special Forces marines that were going to be responsible for the recon mission inside Vereor Cave. The mission was to Scout inside the Abandoned mine to check it was safe for re-opening.
Smith always wore a locket with a picture of his wife and 3 yr old daughter inside. ‘Hey black bear, how many kills do you think we’ll get today?’ smith asked black bear
‘Damn I don’t know smith, around a hundred or summit’ he chuckled
‘Damn whys it always gotta be a competition between you two? Besides neither of you’ll be getting any kills, it’s a recon mission and there aint gunna be anything down that cave, except a few bats and rats. We just gotta check there aint no nuclear waste lying about. That’s all!’ said Lieutenant Archer.
The Helicopter Hovered above Secluded area in the middle of the desert Ropes fell out of the helicopter and 8 soldier climbed down onto the hard dry land, and looked in the pitch darkness of the cave, which in a mere few hours, they would believe to be the belly of hell its self.
Black bear was a very tall, muscled man, personal weapon of choice, a huge fucking Gun, didn’t matter if it was slow or he couldn’t hold it properly because his fingers were too big, if it was too heavy for his Superiors, and it made a big noise, he liked it.
‘Ok guys even though there’s going to be nothing in this here cave, but remember it is a recon and it will be treated as a recon, so remember minimal sound and communication.’ Said Archer as he walked in to his nightmare.
‘Oh well black bear, maybe next time?’ said Hewitt patting Johnson on the back.
‘Yeah well next time I’ll be looking after my girl At home’ said Johnson
‘Oh yeah when’s she due?’ said Hewitt
‘Hell the size of her fucking belly I would say she 2 years over due’ Said Fox, joking around and being cocky
Johnson Rammed his whole body into Fox and pushed him into a wall ‘You say one more thing about my girl and I will…’
Archer interrupted ‘Guys cut it out!’ archer pointed his torch (attached to his gun) to a wall a head of them. To reveal 2 rotting cow carcasses and pool of blood ‘It’s a recon’ continued Archer, they all knew he wanted to say more, that they weren’t in this cave alone, or they shouldn’t argue, that they are a team.
‘Something tells me Bats or rats haven’t done that?’ Said Johnson as he pulled his Desert Eagle away from Fox’s face.
Archer just looked at him and repeated the same words very quietly ‘It’s a recon Johnson, Be quiet.’

6AM
As they continued through the cave they heard water trickling down from the walls, Moore had kept whispering medical and scientific facts to occupy the others, and ‘get there brains awake’ of course the others ignored him, he was the geek of the group, he was as trained as all of them in combat but he wouldn’t have the guts the shoot someone, or to actually fight. He wasn’t prepared. ‘Guys what’s that foul smell’ he asked. As they entered a tight passage in the cave, he looked to the right and dark red blood was pouring down the walls, not water like the other passages, He let out a short sharp scream. Slipped on the pool of water (or blood) and, a stalagmite landed in his stomach, blood poured from his belly. His intestines were ruptured and hanging out of his open wound created by the stalagmite.
After hearing the scream Archer sharply turned round to say ‘Guys it’s a recon!’ But by the time he had turned round Moore was bleeding to death, their doctor was dieing. Sergeant Anderson leaped into action by trying to lift him of the stalagmite; Johnson helped him but it cause him so much pain, Moore’s head tilted backwards. Jones lifted his sleeve to see his watch, ‘time of death 6:17AM.
‘Shit man, he screams like a girl’ Remarked Fox
Johnson once again turned round and pushed him into the wall, where the blood was dripping down. And said ‘dude have some fucking respect.’
‘Hey bear help me lift Moore we gunna have to share his weight if gunna get him out of here’ said smith.
‘We’re leaving him’ replied Archer
‘What, but he was…’
‘He will slow us down, and we cant be carrying around a dead body around with us it will tire us out, and if we have to fight, you guys will be dead as well, yes he was a great soldier, and we will pick him up on our way back, R.I.P. Corporal James Moore. Let’s move on’
Smith stood in their in absolute silence.
Archer gathered his team in a large room, the 7 of them. ‘Ok guys I think its very clear that we need to be extra careful in this cave, turn you safety switches off, and remember why we’re here’
‘Yeah look out for mutants’ said fox
‘To makes sure no nuclear waste is lying about’ now Johnson you can lead, me and fox are going to have a little word’
‘With pleasure’ Johnson chuckled

‘May I remind you Corporal Fox this is a recon mission and you are a Special Forces marine, make one more smart comment or crude joke, and we get back to the surface, you are off my team’ said Archer
‘Oh come on Arch…’ started Fox, rolling his eyes
‘NO! You come on!’ interrupted Archer and pushed Fox on the floor and pointed his gun at him. ‘Johnson might not have the authority to kill you but I do. Remember that.’

They caught up with the rest of the group, just as they came to a road, leading to a room full of dead bodies; they were victims, cracked skulls, battered rib cages.
‘Guys this isn’t a cave, it’s a tomb’ Said Anderson
‘Couldn’t agree more’ said Hewitt
‘Yes’ said an unknown voice they pointed their guns upwards and shot at what appeared to be skinny man with a crooked back and legs he was climbing on the walls… he fell down onto the floor.
They looked at each other.
‘Shit guys we’re in trouble’ said Jones

Archer lit a flare throw it into the middle of the room and started along and strenuous attempt to call for back up.

7AM
Archer was struggling to find a signal on his head-piece. So he devised a plan with his team mates.
‘Ok guys it looks like we’re gunna split up and try and find a signal’
‘Why don’t we just get out of here?’ said Smith
‘Because, corporal, we still have a mission to do. Hewitt, Anderson and Jones you stay in this Chamber and wait for us to come back, if we aren’t back in 4 hours start looking for us together, But don’t get lost, if you still cannot find us, get out. Me and Fox, will take the left passage, Smith and Johnson take the right.’ Said Archer
‘Damn you archer, I want to know what the fuck that thing was we shot back their.’ Said Smith
‘Smith for god’s sake it was a Mutant like the teenage ninja mutant turtles, or Spiderman or Superman’ said Fox
‘Fox!’ shouted Johnson ‘Superman wasn’t a mutant he came from space dude.
‘Guys I’ve gotta be honest with you, I think Fox is right’ started Archer ‘it possible that some miners were trapped down here when the place got infected with nuclear energy, and they have probably evolved quickly enough to use hearing to the up most advantage there sight might be weaker, so I don’t think I need to repeat myself when I say that it is a recon mission and you all need to be silent. Let’s go.’
‘Shit dude’ said Anderson
‘Looks like you might get to use you guns today then black bear’ said Smith
‘Yeah looks like it.’ Replied Johnson
‘Oh and guys silencers on please’ Archer smiled.
‘Or maybe I won’t be able to make a big boom’
**to be continued**

was wondering where this could go next just need a litle nudging was wondering weather to keep Fox or Johnson alive? i know Fox is going to kill archer, through an act of anger,

***and yes Vereor is the latin word for fear***
Last edited by whackyjacky07 on Fri Dec 14, 2007 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





User avatar
130 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2399
Reviews: 130
Fri Dec 14, 2007 5:39 am
scotty.knows says...



Okay. I don't want to complain or anything, but you really need to go back over and Capitalize names. You capitalized Desert Eagle, but no names? It's just a little frustrating.

And I know you're knew here, so I won't make a big deal out of it, but please double-space your paragraphs.

Now that I have finished ridiculing your style...

It lays an interesting format for a horrific, zombie-infested, shoot-em-up. A little cliche, but it wasn't bad. Just work on your dialogue a little more. Think how people would really talk.

Another thing to point out is that there is no such thing as Special Forces Marines. There are Special Forces, and there is Marine Force Recon. The two do not mesh.

Just on a note, I would rate this a little higher since there's all kinds of blood and you use the F-word about 6 times.
'Merikuh!
  








*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits