Young Writers Society

Taking down story sorry

Wow! Ems, this is really good. It was worth the waiting. anyways, i can find anything wrong with it, i will re-read it later to see if i can find any mistakes.

I found one:

“She didn’t say anything.” Sabe said, “I think you need to see a doctor. Maybe you should go and talk to your father.”

make sure you re-read all of your stuff for little bit bits like this.

Thanks!
I"m going to post Chapter Two after this,
now that the first of our two part Christmas is over.
And I can sit and vegetate for a while, and write and such.


LP

For Chapter Two:

post281693.html#281693

I like where this is going, I'll look forward to reading chapter two. Just a couple of mistakes in here though, I think they're mostly typos.

Series M-9, where never meant to be fighters.

This should be Series M-9 were never meant to be fighters.

They where suppose to be able to listen

Should be supposed.

where they from

You've forgotten to add in were here.

they only they could do

The only thing they could do.

The M-9 children where young then

The M-9 children were young then.

They thought that we weren’t fighters, but they were wrong, we are fighters and now we’re fighting each other.

You've changed from third person to first person here. You shouldn't change points of view unless there's clearly a change in character.

like arrows…I grabbed a pair of jeans off of the floor

You only need to use a full-stop here. Also, instead of using off of the floor you should use off the floor. It's just more correct.

I pulled my shirt over my head, making sure my MP3 didn’t get caught. I grabbed a rumpled yellow Blondie shirt off the floor, and threw it over my head, checking it in the mirror to make sure it didn’t look too bad.

I just wasn't sure what was going on here - why did she put on two shirts?

but don’t turn the music off.

You've changed from past to present tense here. It should be but didn't turn the music off.

I just had to make it just until I was eighteen

This should probably be I just had to make it until I was eighteen.

–It’s like the pound

The dash is unnecessary here.

said Lab, like to screw with the DNA

I think this should be said lab liked to screw with the DNA.

who I had ever seen before in my life.

Should be never.

–All I knew

Again, the dash is unnecessary.

it as all been downhill from there.

It has all been downhill from there

Jenni said smiling broadly.

You need a comma in here: Jenni said, smiling broadly.

I shook my head no.

Again, you need a comma in here: I shook my head, no.

they where all following me.

they were all following me.

being made in a Lab, had it benefits

You don't need a comma here.

I shook my head no

Just the same thing here as last time.

Shane who sixteen like you, and Duke who is fifteen.

It should be Shane, who is sixteen like you, and Duke, who is fifteen.

just simple questions, that would fly by

You don't need a comma here.

The base pounded in green dots that expanded and unexpanded as the base thumbed.

Unexpanded isn't a word - try diminished instead.

–I followed her in the house. –I heard shouts coming from some where in the house.

Don't start your sentences with dashes.

A boy with shaggy blond hair said glancing quickly over at his mom.

You need a comma between 'said' and 'glancing'.

in it’s custom made sheath.

'It's' always means 'it is'. When you want something to belong to it, you say 'its'.

I nodded my head yes.

Same as before.

Owen said elbowing him in the ribs.

You need a comma between 'said' and 'elbowing'.

“Because.” I said

You need a comma after because, because you're continuing her sentence later on.

one of the couples who’d come to talk to me, took me back to their house

You don't need a comma here.

he said “She didn’t say anything.”

You need a comma between 'he said' and what he actually said.

“There’s food downstairs.” Own said

I'm sure that's meant to be Owen.

I shoved my hand phones headphones over my ears

Take out hand phones.

It was a good story though, you just need to watch the typos.

Amazing amazing chapter there! keep up the good work!

Thanks you guys for taking the time to read. I know it's sort of long! But I felt it would mess up the flow to break up the Chapter into smaller bits.

Chapter Two is posted, you should check out. Chapter three, isn't posted yet. I'm out of town so I can't post chapter three yet, but I'll try to get it up soon.

Thanks for all the editing Billy. I'm really bad at catching my own mistakes, so it's really helpful when you guys point it out to me. I really appreciate a lot.

kimberykat, thanks for taking the time to look over my work, and welcome to YWS!

This is a pretty good story. Nice and interesting. You might want to bump up the rating just a smidge if there are any more potty words.

I noticed that you misuse the word "where" when you actually mean "were."

"We were never supposed to go there."

"Where is the remote?"

See the difference?

First line after "Chapter 1": "My bed shook, if I lived in California still I would have yelled earthquake at the top of my lungs."

You might want to edit this and add a period after shook. Also, "screamed" might be a stronger and less wordy alternative to "yelled at the top of my lungs."

I like your description of the ritualistic putting on of the eyeliner. That was a pretty neat character-building scene. *is jealous of eyeliner*

Yeah, Billy pointed out most of the typos that I was going to point out, so I won't now...

My one thing is when she is writing on the whiteboard. It seems to me that she, as a character, would write a little less. They would be one word answers or something. Maybe I am wrong, but because she doesn't say much, it would kind of follow that her writing would be equally concise. That is, unless she is a writer-type person who is quiet, but who writes to relieve pain or something. I don't know her character as well as you do (obviously, since you wrote her) but brevity in all things was the impression I picked up from her.

I like the last line of the chapter, where she sums everything up. "No one, and I mean no one, could ever see my back." Bam! Really like it. Sums up the character really quickly.

Anyway, I like this. Great job with it. *scampers off to chapter 2*

I'm glad you like the last line...that's Cyan for you.

I'm going to post chapter four...go check it out.