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Silver Sandwich



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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 5
Thu Dec 27, 2007 8:51 pm
Shredderman says...



The lady in the fur coat slipped her sunglasses on. It was time. She paid the bill for her untouched coffee and stepped out of the shadow cast by the street lamp towering over her and silently walked onto the damp cobblestone street of downtown Paris.

Hot dog carts and mini pizzerias lined the sides, taking any of the space available. The aroma of cigarettes and freshly baked bread rose up to the misty air. It had finally stopped raining, and the stars twinkled through the remains of the clouds above. The lady’s destination was at the end of the street, and she strode towards it in a purposeful way. She had an air about her that wasn't anything above ordinary, yet was one that made people part away from her subconsciously and make way for her long, leather boots as if some otherworldly force pushed them back, the scent of Albin du Roy overpowering their senses. She reached the building, briefly glanced up to the towering mass of marble and steel, and pushed the mahogany doors inside.

The lobby of the building was grand and spacious. Large, towering columns of the finest granite rose up imposingly from the cream tiled ground, thrusting upwards into the domed ceiling as if an omnipotent being was holding it up itself. Exotic plants and trees lined the sides, and all the flags of the world showed off their colors, hanging in huge canvas banners from the glass dome, or "Le Plafonte du Monde" as the building staff affectionately called it. The lady ignored all this and walked right to the ladies' restroom, looking back and peering through the black lenses before marching in.

Slipping into one of the cubicles, she put down her purse, slipped her coat off, and put it beside the toilet in a small heap. Unluckily there were a few other people on the restroom with her, so she had to do things speedily and silently.

She looked up at the mirror in the door and stopped. She had the clothes of a rich and pampered woman, from her Liz Claiborne trench coat which lay in a crumpled heap beside her, to her diamond earrings, and her silk gloves, which housed a set of long fingers, one of them which had been wrapped around a handgun in the left pocket of her pants. She was tall and slim, a small but pointed nose accenting her smooth and blemish free face. She had long curving eyebrows and piercing dark blue eyes, and if one looked into them it would feel as if they were looking at the depths of a calm, dark ocean, yet today they seemed sad to her, almost pleading. She quickly looked away, shaking her head a bit and taking out her gun.

She loaded it, trying to make as little noise as possible, yet her long, frail fingers were trembling horribly. I have come all the way here, she thought, and I'm not going to give in to fright. She took a deep breath, and stepped out of the cubicle.

Miles away, an alarm blared. A handsome man in his thirties pulled himself from the couch, stumbling about for a while in a daze. After tripping on a few soap opera tapes that Madame Bladina had been watching, Garonce stood at the end of his couch for a few seconds trying to clear his head, when it all came rushing to him. He twirled around, his eyes dancing around and locating the clock. 7:30. Merde! Why was he so stupid? He rushed downstairs and slipped on his coat, grabbed his wallet, and seeing that his car keys were missing, ran outside instead for there was no time to look. He called for a taxi in the busy street, and after 5 minutes of desperate shouting, one of them slid to a stop. He dashed in it, almost tripping on the street lamp and breaking his ankle. "Plaza Aenir, s'il vous plait," he said, out of breath, falling back into the taxi's seat and staring out the window as the taxi sped away from the small flat. Please don't do anything stupid, he thought desperately as he shut his eyes.

"Mon dieu!" exclaimed the lady, stepping back in surprise. The man before her was… no, that wasn’t right. Why was he here? She stared at him for a few seconds when realization sank in. Her shoulders sagged a little, yet she had been prepared. Damian had warned her about this, but, but, the man in front of her was Damian! Her mind slowed down with the information. The very man she had trusted, relied on, her friend, her leader. All this time. "Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise," he said in his deep, gravelly voice. He looked up at her with his large green eyes, and she seemed drawn forward and almost took an involuntary step forwards but stopped herself in time. A distraction, she needed a distraction, but couldn’t think of any. Damn! Where had all the other occupants of the restroom gone? She glared at him coldly, trying not to shake, and slowly raised her gun. "So it was you all along, wasn’t it?”

~*~

Garonce stuffed a few bills into the taxi driver's waiting hand and sped out. After stumbling and sliding through the wet sidewalk he pushed through the heavy doors of the Hotel de Crillon, the most luxurious hotel in Paris. Heavily panting and heart racing, he looked around, his eyes darting here and there wildly. He was about to run to the receptionist when he heard a gunshot. Stopping hard on his tracks, he saw a cloaked man dashing out the ladies' washroom.

The world stopped suddenly and he saw several things happening at once; a small pool of blood started seeping under the restroom door, a couple of people ran in through the door, a woman screamed in surprise, and the cloaked man slipped through the mahogany doors. Garonce stood, stunned for a few seconds, before his body sprang into action. He quickly jumped past the surprised receptionist standing agape in her chair and skidded to a stop outside. His eyes flitted through the throng of people in the street and quickly spotted the culprit running to the other side of the street, taking off his coat and dumping it aside. Garonce ran like he had never before, forcing his way through until he was starting to gain on the man. He was not getting away from him today, not today, not after he had hurt Lucienne-


With a mighty leap and a cry, he tackled the man to the pavement just as an explosion that had emanated from what seemed to be the man’s abandoned trench-coat rocked the street, a fireball scorching anything unfortunate to have been in its path. Garonce neither felt nor heard anything, the people screaming, windows shattering, the cars crashing into one another. The man had slipped from his grasp and had started to run again, speedily crossing the street and disappearing down a dark alley. Shaken and disoriented, Garonce stumbled around a bit and followed suit, and seeing that the man had run through the alleyway and was starting to cross the street ahead, sped up. He saw the man run into another alleyway and vanish, and Garonce, intent on catching him, forgot to look both ways before racing across. He heard the loud blaring of a horn, people shouting, and a giant truck slammed into his side.


The world spun into a stream of colors crashing into each other, he heard the screech of tires and the sound of glass breaking as he felt what it was his entire body being torn to pieces. He tumbled in the asphalt for a while until he smashed heavily into the side of a nearby car.


The last thought that crossed his mind before he slid into unconsciousness was,


“Why…”
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 39
Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:58 am
Lancrist says...



This was an interesting piece and you have the right idea in setting the premise for your story.

I felt it was a little crowded with information and needs to be refined, but I'll get to that later. Firstly I would like to address the actual wording.

Shredderman wrote:The lady in the fur coat slipped her sunglasses on. It was time. She paid the bill for her untouched coffee and *stepped out of the shadow cast by the street lamp towering over her and **silently walked onto the damp cobblestone street of downtown Paris.


* The street lamp would cast light, not shadow.

**This sentence makes it seem as if Paris has only one street.

The last sentence in this paragraph is too long; it should be broken down into several sentences. It will flow better that way.

Shredderman wrote:*Hot dog carts and mini pizzerias lined the sides, taking any of the space available. The aroma of cigarettes and freshly baked bread rose up to the misty air. It had finally stopped raining, and the stars twinkled through the remains of the clouds above. **The lady’s destination was at the end of the street, and she strode towards it in a purposeful way. ***She had an air about her that wasn't anything above ordinary, yet was one that made people part away from her subconsciously and make way for her long, leather boots as if some otherworldly force pushed them back, the scent of Albin du Roy overpowering their senses. She reached the building, briefly glanced up to the towering mass of marble and steel, and pushed the mahogany doors inside.


* I don't think this section does an efficient job at describing the woman's surroundings. Nor does the description make me think of Paris--especially hot dog carts and mini pizzerias lining the road. My girlfriend (who has been to Paris) thinks you should talk more about cafes, restaurants, etc; these give more of a Parisian feel. Also, I think you should describe the street more; the noises of the people, or cars, or whatever, the people themselves, etc.

** This sentence does not need to be so complicated. You do not need to say she was walking toward the end of the street--if you are walking down a street you are, by that action, heading toward the end of the street. You should say where she is going, what the building is called: the bank, for example. She walked purposefully toward the bank at the end of the street.


*** She had an air about her that wasn't anything above the ordinary... ...as if some otherworldly force pushed them back.

This sentence is awkward, and I don't agree with the phrasing (such as "an air about her that wasn't anything above the ordinary). You can make it more concise. For example:

She did not appear to be out of the ordinary, but the crowd parted for her nevertheless, as if repelled by some unseen* force.

*otherworldly does not seem to fit in with the tone.


Shredderman wrote:The lobby of the building was grand and spacious. Large, towering columns of the finest granite rose up imposingly from the cream tiled ground*, thrusting upwards into the domed ceiling as if an omnipotent being was holding it up itself**.


You give a good impression of the lobby of the building--again, the building itself should be specific--but again I feel the phrasing is a little off.

* Buildings do not have 'ground' in them, unless they are incredibly derelict; so you should avoid the term even if you are saying it is tiled. Rose up imposingly from the cream tiles is much more eloquent anyway.

**As if an omnipotent being was holding it up? Firstly, talk of omnipotent beings, even as a simile, is out of context with the rest of the story. Secondly, you already said that the ceiling is being upheld by pillars, so this sentence does not make sense.


Shredderman wrote:*Exotic plants and trees lined the sides, and all the flags of the world showed off their colors, hanging in huge canvas banners from the glass dome, or "Le Plafonte du Monde" as the building staff affectionately called it. The lady ignored all this and walked right to the ladies' restroom, **looking back and peering through the black lenses before marching in.


* The sides of what? Lined the walls sounds much better.

** Peering through the black lenses suggests she hasn't been looking through her glasses the whole time, which I assume she actually has. Why not try something like threw a cautionary glance over her shoulder? And if she is nervous, would she "march" in?


Shredderman wrote:She looked up at the mirror in the door and stopped. She had the clothes of a rich and pampered woman, from her Liz Claiborne trench coat which lay in a crumpled heap beside her, to her diamond earrings, and her silk gloves, which housed a set of long fingers, one of them which had been wrapped around a handgun in the left pocket of her pants. She was tall and slim, a small but pointed nose accenting her smooth and blemish free face. She had long curving eyebrows and piercing dark blue eyes, and if one looked into them it would feel as if they were looking at the depths of a calm, dark ocean, yet today they seemed sad to her, almost pleading. *She quickly looked away, shaking her head a bit and taking out her gun.


The plot is speeding along (which is fine) and then you have this long paragraph full of description. It does not fit. In the last paragraph the character notes she has to be fast; she does not have time to examine herself in the mirror. Sure, mention one or two things; she has wealthy clothes, an attractive face, an dark blue eyes that reflected the uncertainty inside her. Short and sweet. We don't need all this information, especially if she's about to die.

* I have never liked "a bit". It sounds kiddish. You only need: She quickly looked away, shaking her head... Also, I feel that instead of her gun you should use a gun, because this is the gun's introduction.


Shredderman wrote:Miles away, an alarm blared. A handsome man in his thirties pulled himself from the couch, stumbling about for a while in a daze. After tripping on a few soap opera tapes that Madame Bladina had been watching, Garonce stood at the end of his couch for a few seconds trying to clear his head, when it all came rushing to him. He twirled around, his eyes dancing around and locating the clock. 7:30. Merde! Why was he so stupid? He rushed downstairs and slipped on his coat, grabbed his wallet, and seeing that his car keys were missing, ran outside instead for there was no time to look. He called for a taxi in the busy street, and after 5 minutes of desperate shouting, one of them slid to a stop. He dashed in it, almost tripping on the street lamp and breaking his ankle. "Plaza Aenir, s'il vous plait," he said, out of breath, falling back into the taxi's seat and staring out the window as the taxi sped away from the small flat. Please don't do anything stupid, he thought desperately as he shut his eyes.
Shredderman wrote:
If you are going to put this paragraph here you need something to indicate that it has nothing to do with the current scene.

Use your ~*~ thing above and below this paragraph to separate it from the woman's half of the story.

You should make this paragraph a lot shorter and more concise; it disrupts the speed of the story and the way it has been drawn out lessens the suspense rather than building it.


Shredderman wrote:"Mon dieu!" exclaimed the lady, stepping back in surprise. The man before her was… no, that wasn’t right. Why was he here? She stared at him for a few seconds when realization sank in. *Her shoulders sagged a little, yet she had been prepared. **Damian had warned her about this, but, but, the man in front of her was Damian! **Her mind slowed down with the information. The very man she had trusted, relied on, her friend, her leader. All this time. "Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise," he said in his deep, gravelly voice. ***He looked up at her with his large green eyes, and she seemed drawn forward and almost took an involuntary step forwards but stopped herself in time. ****A distraction, she needed a distraction, but couldn’t think of any. Damn! Where had all the other occupants of the restroom gone? She glared at him coldly, trying not to shake, and slowly raised her gun. "So it was you all along, wasn’t it?”


This paragraph should also be less crowded. I don't feel that you need, or should revise, the parts that I have highlighted in bold.

* I think you should emphasize this reaction.

** Instead of her mind, it might be more dramatic if the world around her slows down; like the dripping of a nearby tap slowing down to a ponderous thunder. Boom. Boom. Boom.

*** I don't think you need this sentence.

****She needed a distraction, but couldn't think of any. You don't need "but couldn't think of any," we will see that she can't think of any when she doesn't. Her wondering about the other occupants emphasizes her inability to devise one. She glared at him coldly, trying not to shake, and slowly raised her gun, I think this sentence can be more eloquent. For instance: She glared at him, trembling as she levelled her gun.

I think the rest of this, where Garonce becomes the focus, is crowded with information like some of your earlier paragraphs. Garonce is rushing to save this woman's life (or meet her, or whatever) and then sees her dead, and then chases the perpetrator. These paragraphs should be fast and hectic, reflecting their content.


Like I said at the start, I did actually like this, I'm sorry if I gave a different impression in my critique. It just needs work.

Send me a message when/if you revise it and I will take another look if you like.
"Death will not make my end."
  








Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi