Young Writers Society

"Can you swim?” Igor yelled over the sound of crashing waves against the side of the plane as Thomas and Charlie clasped to the edges of the window and sheltered their eyes.

After mere moments which seemed like an eternity, Charlie nodded and carefully began exiting the window first while Igor positioned himself to carry him on his back. Rows upon rows of swimmers were heading towards the rope ladders of the Hungarian ship, which was having problems of its own trying to stay balanced against the heavy currents. Although they had tried to position itself to shield the plane from those exact currents, the anchors were wearing and the ship was slowly veering towards the plane in what surely would sink them both completely.

After climbing the ropes and having Charlie delivered safely to the deck of the ship, Thomas and Emma watched as Igor turned to jump once more only to have his shoulder dragged back aggressively by a much older crew mate.

“Igor, you are wanted below.” The man said sternly before turning to look down at Thomas and Emma with little contempt in his pale and cold-hearted face.

“But sir! Huskies travel in packs, let me rescue those below,” Igor finished in Hungarian.

The man turned his head briefly to his left revealing his gray goatee and murmured, “The ship is getting crowded if we don’t leave now we too will become crippled.” Igor continued to stare as he watched his teacher and master continue to walk along the black grates that lay among the deck.

“Are the others coming?” Igor shouted towards his master but it was useless he had taken the staircase down and was beyond the range of hearing. “Pentele,” he called out to the boy beside him.

“You are distraught Igor,” he murmured wiping his pale face with his right hand.

“I want you to head downstairs and take over for me. Do you understand?” Pentele bowed as he picked up his scarlet towel from the deck and began heading towards the staircase.

Jogging briefly on the spot Igor refocused his concentration on the task at hand knowing that if he hurried, more lives would be spared, and with that in mind he proceeded to dive into the freezing waters below.

He gulped breath after breath of fresh air as he swam closer towards the plane and received the girl second. Thomas looked on as he carefully clung to the side of the window for support. More water was entering the plane and it was getting increasingly harder to remain upright against the vigorous currents that would inevitably swallow the metal frame.

Back on the ship’s deck chaos was at its height as small group of students who would not head downstairs without their friends finally gave in to the pleas of some members of the Hungarian crew.


After leaving Emma in the safety of another crewmate, Igor, made what he hoped would be his final dive and plummeted head first into the frigid sea below.

Thomas looked behind him surprised at his findings. The other students had made it safely onto the ship above.

“Get on my back,” Igor said, beginning to feel the effects of exhaustion as he swam closer to him.

Thomas nodded cautiously as he lowered his head to observe the moving water below and began to exit the window. Suddenly the plane shook, jolting him into the sub-zero water. Had the Hungarian ship collided? Air bubbles were rising to the surface as he struggled to swim away. The ship was sinking, but in such a manner that he would have sworn it was a submarine. Igor called out to Thomas angrily as the plane began to be sucked down by the enormous water displacement the ship had caused. They quickly reached out to grab one of the few remaining rope ladders as the sound of the ship’s awakening engine filled the air. Despite being a member of the Hungarian crew Igor’s face was blazing with fury and shock.

“Bajnok!” he screamed as their ladders were raised swiftly.

Climbing up the railings to the deck, Igor quickly thanked the men at the ladders and rushed Thomas down the staircase as the Hungarian ship became shrouded under the darkness of the sea.

"Can you swim?” Igor yelled over the sound of the crashing waves against the side of the plane as Thomas and Charlie quickly clasped to the edges of the window and sheltered their eyes.

- Okay, this is way too much to take in as one sentence. I think if you took out “the sound of” and “quickly” you’ve suddenly simplified this by a huge amount which makes it a lot easier to understand.

After mere moments which seemed to stay like an eternity Charlie nodded and carefully began exiting the window first as Igor positioned himself to carry him on his back.

- You need commas before and after “which seemed to stay like an eternity” – even then, I would suggest taking out “to stay” as it is merely filler here and jams up the sentence a little. I think you can remove “first” here and add a full stop. You have some long sentences here, I think if you tried making them shorter it might work better. I would suggest the sentence to be something like: “As he did this Igor got into position to carry him on his back.” I think this works better, but is just a suggestion.

Rows upon rows of swimmers were heading towards the rope ladders of the Hungarian ship which had problems of it’s own trying to stay balanced against the heavy currents.

- “it’s” should be “its”. “which had problems of its own” firstly needs a comma before “which” and you’re writing in present tense here, so it should be “which was having problems..”

Although it had tried to position itself to shield the plane from the currents, the anchors were wearing and the ship was slowly veering towards the plane in what surely would sink them both completely.

- Okay, the ship didn’t try to do anything itself. So what you want to say here is that “although *they* had tried to position the ship...” You also repeat “currents” within the space of a sentence, avoid this because it stands out as a repetition. “From the currents” isn’t even needed, I don’t think, as you establish earlier that it is about the currents. Again, you repeat “toward” to close together perhaps “closer” would be an alternative. And this part of the sentence is confusing. What would surely sink them quickly? Perhaps adding a few words along the lines of “in a move that would…”

After climbing the ropes and having Charlie delivered safely to the deck of the ship Thomas and Emma watched as Igor turned to jump once more only to have his shoulder dragged back aggressively by an much older crew mate in uniform whom appeared to be his superior.

- Comma in between “ship” and “Thomas”. Full stop after “more” and “a” instead of “an”. “dragged” is a slow movement, it implies heavy slogging, while “aggressively” implies a harsh quick movement so here they conflict in meaning. Chose which action you want more and change the other to suit. “Who instead of “whom” here… Why did he appear to be his superior? It seems an important point, but is done in a way that suggests you just threw it in for the facts.

“Igor, you are wanted below.” The man said sternly before turning to look down below at Thomas and Emma with little contempt.

- I’m not sure you mean “little contempt” here. I feel like you mean that he’s looking down with a level of contempt, but “little contempt” doesn’t seem to work. I suggest removing the “little”. The repetition of “below” here creates some confusion, delete the second.

“But sir! Huskies travel in packs, let me rescue those below,” Igor finished in Hungarian.

The man turned his head briefly to his left revealing his gray goatee and murmured, “The ship is getting crowded if we don’t leave now we too will soon be crippled.” Igor continued to stare as he watched his teacher and master continue to walk along the black grates that lay among the deck.

- The use of “his teacher and master” makes it sound like there are two people there – this could just be me, I’m not sure.

“Are the others coming?” Igor shouted towards his master but it was useless he had taken the staircase down and was beyond the range of hearing. “Pentele,” he called out to the boy beside him.

- Comma in between “useless” and “he”


“You are distraught Igor,” he murmured wiping his pale face with his right hand.

“I want you to head downstairs and take over for me. Do you understand?” Pentele confirmed as he picked up his scarlet towel from the deck and began heading towards the staircase.

- Here it is more than slightly confusing as to who is speaking. I know –now – that it is Igor and that Pentele is confirming he understands, but it was terribly difficult to come to that conclusion. Perhaps if Pentele nods in assent or something, instead of “confirmed” which makes it ambiguous as to what he is confirming.

Jogging briefly on the spot Igor refocused his concentration on the task at hand knowing that if he hurried, more lives would be spared, and with that in mind he proceeded to dive into the freezing waters below.

- Again, a long sentence, separate this into two, or even three.


He gulped breath after breath of fresh air as he swam closer towards the plane and received the girl second.

- The “second” here makes it sound as though there was one –immediately- before her. Delete it to help the flow.

Thomas looked on as he carefully clung to the side of the window for support. More water was entering the plane and it was getting increasingly harder to remain upright against the vigorous currents that would inevitably swallow the metal frame.

- “Increasingly” and “harder” together make one of the words redundant as they both indicate an increase in difficulty, I would suggest making “harder” into “hard” – it simple and effective.

Back on the ship’s deck chaos was at its height, as small group of students were not heading downstairs without their fellow friends finally giving in to the pleas of some members of the Hungarian crew.

- This was incredibly confusing with a lack of punctuation. Firstly, remove the comma after “height” and add a full stop after “friends” – delete “fellow” Then turn the next sentence into “they finally gave in” and your meaning becomes clear.

After leaving Emma in the safety of another crewmate aboard the ship Igor made what he hoped would be his final dive and plummeted head first into the frigid sea below.

- You want a comma after “ship” here.

Thomas looked behind in surprise only to discover that everybody else had made it safely onto the ship above.

“Get on my back,” Igor said as he swam closer to Thomas, beginning to feel the effects of exhaustion.

- The repetition of “Thomas” here isn’t needed.

Then the plane shook, jolting him out and into the sub-zero water. Had the Hungarian ship collided? Air bubbles were rising to the surface as he struggled to move away. The ship was sinking, but in a manner that he would have sworn it was a submarine.

- The question here needs to be put as a thought or a shout, to make it seem less conspicuous, as it is it looks slightly odd. “in a manner” I think you need to add “such” to make this part make sense, as in “but in such a manner”.

As they climbed up the railings to the deck Igor quickly thanked the men at the ladders and rushed Thomas down the staircase as the Hungarian ship became shrouded under the darkness of the sea.

-To avoid the repetition of “as” here I would suggest altering the first part of the line to a present tense motion “climbing up the railings”.


Wow, okay. I know I was very thorough with this, but that was only because I liked it, as in, I would like to read more at some point.

You have a small issue with repetition, nothing that can’t be altered and a little problem with comprehension, as it is a little hard to understand what you’re trying to say at some points. Both of these can be fixed relatively easily.

I like your character especially, I can already feel for Igor, and you put emotion in well.

It’s an interesting piece, and I hope you PM me when you put up more, as I’d love to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Now I am not going to get too technical here, I like to focus on the story, and then specific grammar, well I am not the best at that, so I will comment on the story as a whole. Now you did a vary good job, the story kept your attention, but as the ship started to sink, the emotion of the event was not that clear. He was shocked, and he was rushing to hopefully save the life of those two pilots. But what was the atmosphere of the ship, you said there was constant movement, but was in all panic, were the men able to stay calm, or did all hell brake lose on deck. There are some things to think about. You have the readers attention, but if you can fill that captivated reader with emotion, that is what will really get them to like the story. Now if you can get it so the reader has the pages pressed against his/her face like it was glued and they are jumping up and down in their seat, (sorry I exaggerated there.) that means you sold it, they are putty in your hands and you will get nothing but praise. Just remember to give emotion, and that scene will be like a scene in a movie.
But anyways, good job I liked the story, and I am wondering how Thomas and Emma turn out, are they okay or was it too late. Ooh. haha. But good job, I had fun. Awesome job.

"Can you swim?” Igor yelled to his companions over the crashing of the waves against the side of the plane as Thomas and Charlie clasped to the edges of the window and sheltered their eyes.

After [s]mere[/s] moments which seemed [s]like[/s] to be an eternity, Charlie nodded and carefully began exiting the window [s]first[/s] while Igor positioned himself to carry [s]hims[/s] Charlie on his back. Rows [s]upon rows[/s] of swimmers were heading towards the rope ladders of the Hungarian ship, which was having problems [s]of its own[/s] trying to stay balanced against the heavy currents. Although they had tried to position itself to shield the plane from those exact currents, the anchors were wearing and the ship was slowly veering towards the plane in what surely would sink them both completely. [This last sentence is awkward and unclear. Either make it clearer or get rid of it, you probably don't need the whole thing about the currents. It's almost info-dumpy]

After climbing the ropes and [s]having[/s] getting Charlie delivered safely to the deck of the ship, Thomas and Emma watched as Igor turned to jump [s]once more[/s] again, only to have his shoulder dragged back aggressively by a much older crew mate[s] in uniform who appeared to be his superior[/s].

“Igor, you are wanted below.” The man said sternly [s]before[/s]and turn[s]ing[/s]ed to look down at Thomas and Emma with [s]little[/s] contempt [s]in his pale and cold-hearted face[/s].

“But sir! Huskies travel in packs! let me rescue those below,” Igor finished in Hungarian. [does it really matter what language he is speaking?]

The man turned his head briefly to his left revealing [s]his[/s] a gray goatee and murmured, “The ship is getting crowded, if we don’t leave now we too will [s]soon[/s] become crippled.” Igor continued to stare as he watched his teacher and master [s]continue to[/s] walk along the black grates that lay among the deck.

“Are the others coming?” Igor shouted towards his master [s]but it was useless he had taken the staircase down and [/s] no answer came because he was beyond the range of hearing. “Pentele,” [s]he[/s] Igor called out to the boy beside him.

“You [s]are[/s] look distraught Igor,” he murmured wiping his pale face with his right hand.

“I want you to head downstairs and take over for me. Do you understand?” Pentele bowed [s]as he picked up his scarlet towel from the deck [/s]and [s]began heading[/s] headed towards the staircase.

[s]Jogging briefly on the spot[/s] Igor refocused his concentration [s]on the task at hand[/s] knowing that if he hurried[s],[/s] more lives would be spared, and with that [s]in mind[/s] he [s]proceeded to[/s] dived into the freezing waters below.

He gulped breath after breath of [s]fresh[/s] salty [just a suggestion] air as he swam closer towards the plane and received the girl second. [recieved the girl second? im really not sure what you're trying to say. try reprasing that.] Thomas looked on as he carefully clung to the side of the window for support. More water was entering the plane and it was getting [s]increasingly[/s] [its not necessary (or wise) to use adjectives just for the sake of using adjectives. sometimes the sentence quite simply doesn't need it] harder to remain upright against the vigorous currents, currents that would inevitably swallow the metal frame.

Back on the ship’s deck, chaos was at its height [wordy] as small group of students [s]were not heading[/s]who would not head downstairs without their friends finally [s]giving[/s]gave in to the pleas of[s] some[/s] members of the Hungarian crew. [what? you need to elaborate on what is going on, or leave it out completely. the reader has no clue who the students are, why they are resisting, where their friends are, ect.]


After leaving Emma in the safety of another crewmate [s]aboard the ship[/s], Igor[s], made what he hoped would be his final dive and[/s] once again plummeted [s]head first[/s] into the frigid sea [s]below[/s].

Thomas looked behind him [s]in surprise only to discover[/s] shocked that everybody else [who is everybody else?] had made it safely onto the ship above.

“Get on my back,” Igor said as he swam closer to him, beginning to feel the effects of exhaustion. [who is feeling the effects of exhaustion? igor or thomas? specify, and if its igor then why in the world would he endager his life and thomas' life by putting thomas on his back?]

Thomas nodded [s]cautiously as he lowered his head to observe the moving water below[/s] and began to exit the window. [s]Then[/s]Suddenly the plane shook, [s]jolting[/s]throwing him [s]out and[/s] into the sub-zero water. Had the Hungarian ship collided? Air bubbles were rising to the surface as he struggled to [s]move[/s] swim away. The ship was sinking, but in such a manner that he would have sworn it was a submarine.[too wordy again, and over all just an awkward sentence] Igor called out to Thomas angrily as the plane began to be sucked down[s] by the enormous water displacement the ship had caused.[/s] They quickly reached out to grab one of the few remaining rope ladders as the sound of the ship’s [s]awakening[/s] engine filled the air. [s]Despite being a member of the Hungarian crew Igor’s face was blazing with fury and shock. [/s]

“Bajnok!” he screamed as their ladders [s]began to be[/s]were raised swiftly.

Climbing up the railings to the deck, Igor quickly [s]thanked the men at the ladders and[/s] rushed Thomas down the staircase as the [s]Hungarian[/s] ship became shrouded under the darkness of the sea.


Ok, well you have a tendency to be slightly infodumpy. This means you say stuff that isn't relevent to the plot and overall doesn't really matter to the story. Don't worry, it's common. I do the same thing sometimes. My advice to you read over your work and eliminate anything that isn't absolutely necessary to your plot. We don't care about the cloth that the random man dropped onto the deck (unless of course your main character trips on it and falls into the water and is promptly eaten by sharks, then we care very much). Also, this type of story would work better in first person. Much much better actually. It's your call though.