Young Writers Society

I was sitting at home with a book in my lap. You know the kind. The kind of book where your the person who doesn't have anything, a boyfriend, "popular" friends, any of that. I was reading this book again, for the third time this week, trying to see why somebody would write a book like this one. Why would you write a book about a girl who doesn't have anything? And then i realized why. Because we are all like that, we all think that we are the "unpopular kids" and that nobody likes us. That is why someone would write a book like this, because it's all true.

So I am sitting at home, Andrienne, just me, and I realize that I am 18. Fresh out of High School and with nothing to do. I realize that I just bought a brand new apartment and I don't have a job and that, I'm a nobody! That's right, I am a nobody.

I know that if I am going to sit here until I'm 21 and then realize what i should do, it would be to late. So i know that i need to do something. And that is how i got here. In a clock shop, looking for a job. And this is where my story begins.

To be continued...

You need to really expound on this idea. Give us more background and flashbacks. A bit of dialogue would help to :D:D:D:D

As Seraph said, you need to expand on this, give the reader an idea of what kind of person the character is, aside from 'a nobody'.

The kind of book where your the person who doesn't have anything

You need to change 'your' to you're'.

and I realize that I am 18

Always type your numbers out, so in this case, 'eighteen' instead of '18'.

and that, I'm a nobody!

Take the comma out.

I am going to sit here until I'm 21

Twenty-one.

Aside from that, it's good.

-Billy

Well, it's kind of boring. I really like clockwork/clock makers, especially if there is steampunk (or clockpunk) involved, so I guess I kind-of had my hopes up. This was a let down.

Your narrator is incredibly self-absorbed, for one. This can be written well (see: The Catcher in the Rye) but in this case, she sounds like another bland outcast kid. Lame. Why hasn't she accepted that she's apparently an introvert and that it's cool for her and move on? Why is she so worried about what the "popular" kids are doing? I would never have guessed that she was out of high school: the way she talks about boyfriends and popularity as things she is "supposed" to be doing to be normal, I thought maybe she was fourteen ... maybe sixteen, but no more than that.

How is she renting (people don't usually buy apartments) an apartment if she has no job? How does it - and her other basic needs, such as food, bills, transportation, etc. - get paid for? Why isn't she living at home if she isn't working to support herself? Did she get thrown out?

What does she mean when she says she "realize[s]" that she's eighteen and just out of high school? Is it one of those epiphany moments, when you're like "wow, this is for real!" or what? If so, why not get into depth about how that feels? I graduated in June 2007 and it was a little bit scary to realize that I was eighteen and out of high school for real.

I'm also curious about her motivation. Were I in her place, fresh out of school and looking for a job, I think a clock shop is one of the last placed I would look, so I'm really interested to know why she picked that. Hopefully her motivation will be explained as the story goes on.

I will read if you continue posting (like I said - clockpunk fan), but in the future I hope to see more character development (for which I am a stickler) and at the very least, better editing ... why did you not consistently capitalize "I"?

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Also: hello and welcome to YWS? Why don't you go over and introduce yourself (and maybe check out the Buddy System) and don't forget that there is a required minimum of two reviews for every story or poem you post. So far, you've posted four pieces, but zero reviews.

i thought this has the potential to become something very creative. Nice work but a little non-descriptive