Young Writers Society

(sumthing i just came up with) comment if ya like.



His skin was burnt charcoal black. There were cracks of yellow and red in his flesh as if his very blood was made of molten lava. His eyes blazed red like furious balls of fire and his hair stood up like
Burnt straw. He was on his knees, in terrible pain, and before him stood a tall hooded man who seemed to be surrounded in shadow.
“Make it stop! Make it stop!” screamed the man in pain. Even though the tall man was hooded, you could tell he was smiling.
They were both in a graveyard. The number of graves went further than the eye could see. There were no clouds or stars in the sky, just black nothingness.
“You have endured endless suffering.” said the hooded man. “I assume, you would like to end this terrible curse that I placed upon you all those years ago?”
The man on the ground let out a horrible scream which seemed to echo through the endless number of graves.
“Y-Y-YOU D-DISGUST ME!” shouted the man in agony. “W-W-WHY DO Y-Y-YOU K-KEEP DOING THIS TO ME!!!!”
The hooded man did not move or stir even slightly.
“You are not the first to have endured curses like these.” He held his long shadow-like arms up. “Look around you! All of these poor souls have been inflicted with pain similar to yours.”
The man collapsed and started to writhe in agony. The hooded man took no notice. “You, as did most of the other souls, in my opinion are taking this the wrong way. If it were me I would look at it like a gift more than curse.” The man on the ground tried to stand up but collapsed again. His very veins were red hot pipes of magma.
“At this point I would usually kill you and send you to your resting place. However, I have decided to offer you a choice.” He produced, from under his cloak, a long black staff with a small skull at the top. The man on the ground rolled over and blindly grabbed a tombstone.
“You can either continue to bear this curse and continue serving me and continue to transform into this abomination every so often,” the man let go of the tombstone and left a black burn mark where his hand had been.
“Or,” continued the hooded figure. “You can pass this curse on to another soul, another man, and then retire to your grave,” the hooded man pointed to a tomb about five metres away. “And rest in peace”
The man on the ground let out a ear blistering scream, unsteadily got to his feet and then blindly charged at the hooded man. The hooded man however simply stepped aside and avoided the oncoming strike.
Then the hooded man turned around and swiftly brought his staff upwards. There was a horrible slicing noise. The other man let out another scream and fell to the floor. There was a huge jagged slash on his chest. It was glowing bright burning yellow.
“Don’t try that again” said the hooded man. The man on the ground tried to stand up but was pushed down by a foot on his head.
“Choose Now!”

It's fairly good story line wise and nothing really sticks out in the grammer department, but it's hard to read. Add an extra space between paragraqhs and you'll probably get more reviews.

This is a good start. I love the descriptions and the graveyard gave it more effect.
I couldn't find much to critique.

His skin was burnt charcoal black. There were cracks of yellow and red in his flesh as if his very blood was made of molten lava. His eyes blazed red like furious balls of fire and his hair stood up like
Burnt straw.

this bit was really good but you used burnt twice. maybe when your talking about his hair you could find a different word.

“Make it stop! Make it stop!” screamed the man in pain. Even though the tall man was hooded, you could tell he was smiling.

you could tell he was smiling doesn't really fit with the tense in the rest of the story. try explaining from what the burnt man is seeing like:
He could tell he was smiling
or
it was clear that he was smiling.


other then that the rest of the story was great.
your grammer and the space between the paragraphs is fine.
hope to read more soon

Fairy

This was a very good beginning. I found the story easy to follow, but hard to read. Try spacing out the lines. Couldn't find much else wrong with this, you did a good job. Can't wait for more.

not a bad storyline great description. keep it up!!!

ooooo...really good and descriptive...will there be more?

great start of a story

as said space it out more

e.g. paragraphs with a few lines inbetween

i look forward to reading more