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Dark



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Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:28 pm
jonathanmckinley says...



Dark

Chris was scared to death. He just watched the scariest movie, he had ever seen. Why did he go out and rent it? He was alone in his house and there was no sound at all. Chris hated scary movies, and why he saw that one? I don’t know. Where adults allowed being scared in movies? He sat upright in his bed from where he watched the horror film the turned off TV sat ten feet away from him. He was scared to death. Chris needed some sleep, the movie ran to midnight and he was tired. The only light that was shining was a small lamp by his bedside. Chris reached over to turn it off but something inside kept him. Light is the only protection we have against the bad things that come out at night. It was only a stupid movie, he told himself as he turned of the light.
He laid back in his bed and looked up to the ceiling above him. The moonlight that came through his bedroom window let it barely enough light for Chris to see the swirling ceiling fan. He could not get over how scared he was feeling that at any moment a killer would pop out of nowhere. It was just a stupid movie, there is nothing to be scared of, he thought to himself. He closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep.
A noise startled him. It sounded like a loud crack. His eyes opened and he sat up in his bed. He looked around in his darkened room, but there was nothing that he could see. He reached for the light by his bed and turned the switch. The light didn’t turn on. He made a mental note to get new light bulbs, and ignored the sound and lay back down. The sound came again. Chris sat up, and rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t see anything. There was no more moonlight shining through his bedroom window. The TV in front of him turned on. He wasn’t anywhere near the remote. A bright static was shown on the screen and its hiss was ear shattering. Chris got up and ran to the TV to shut it off. He pressed the power button and the static died.
His heart beat at a quickened pace. He didn’t know what was going on. He got back into his bed and sat up. Everything was black, he held his hands in front of his face and he could barely see them. The light near his bed suddenly turned on. It shown brighter than it ever had. Chris reached the knob to turn it off but it wouldn’t. He reached down and pulled the power cord but it remained lit.
Chris heard another noise, very different from the first one. This noise sounded like dripping water. He grabbed the lit lamp and stood up. The drip started to get louder and louder. He followed the sound with his lamp and it led him to the window. He could see a dark liquid drip from the bottom onto the floor. He walked suspiciously over to the substance. Chris put his finger in it and put it under the light. It was red, blood red. The dripping quickened and turned into a steady stream. The blood drenched the carpet below and sat in a puddle.
The back of Chris’ head felt wet. He mustn’t have been sweating that hard. He put his hand on his moistened head. Using the light, he looked at his hand, which was red with blood. Chris screamed and he dropped the lamp, shattering the bulb. Chris ran to the bathroom a few steps away. He opened up the door, ran inside, turned the light on, and closed and locked the door behind him. He was panting hard now and he looked at his bloodstained hand. He wiped it off on his shirt. How could this be happening?
He looked at himself in the mirror, and at the red handprint on his shirt. I need to take a shower. Chris stripped naked and went to the shower knobs and turned them on. He stepped in once the water had warmed and started to scrub all of the blood off of his body. He grabbed the green bottle of shampoo on a rack, and squeezed a cupful of goop into his hand. He closed his eyes in fear of getting painful suds in his eye, and scrubbed the crap out of his hair. When he was done and opened his eyes, he was shocked to find that the water coming from the nozzle was now shooting blood and he was covered in it. Startled he jumped out and fell onto the floor. There was a white towel hanging from the rod that held the shower curtains. He grabbed it and vigorously tried to wipe it off.
The bathroom door flew open, cracking the wall behind it. An intense wind flew into the bathroom, knocking him on his butt. What is this! He screamed but no one could hear him.
Chris heard footsteps. They were approaching him. He heard a crackly voice screech, “Chriiiis, come out, come out where ever you are!”
He screamed and ran out of the bathroom, naked and covered in thick blood.
The man was waiting for him with a knife in his right hand. Chris’ greatest nightmare had come true and he was about to die.
When he saw the man, Chris fainted and collapsed to the floor.

His eyes opened, he was in his own bed. It was daytime. The lamp was where it should be, and there was nothing dripping from the window. It was a dream! Only a dream! Chris drew a smile on his face and took a sigh in relief. He was fully clothed and there was no blood on his hands. He got out of his bed and ran to the bathroom. There was no blood coming from the shower nozzle.
Chris thought he saw something in the mirror so he looked behind him out of the door. There was nothing everything was back to normal. The man with the knife stood behind him and whispered, “Come out, Come out where ever you are!”
  





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Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:39 pm
Blue Fairy says...



This story was so great. it really scared me. *shivers

I could only find a few small things to critique.

Where adults allowed being scared in movies?


I didn't understand this sentence. do you mean- Were adults allowed to be scared by movie?

in the first few sentences you flip from your opinion to what chris is thinking. it's a bit confusing trying to understand who's thinking what.

Chris heard another noise, very different from the first one. This noise sounded like dripping water. He grabbed the lit lamp and stood up. The drip started to get louder and louder. He followed the sound with his lamp and it led him to the window. He could see a dark liquid drip from the bottom onto the floor. He walked suspiciously over to the substance. Chris put his finger in it and put it under the light. It was red, blood red. The dripping quickened and turned into a steady stream. The blood drenched the carpet below and sat in a puddle.


this bit i thought was really good. it set the scene more and started to become a more darker story then just a man scared by a movie. well done. the only thing I think you could have made better is 'sat in a puddle'.
i think there should be a stronger word then sat.


and at the red handprint on his shirt


it wouldn't really be a handprint if he had wiped it.


There was nothing everything was back to normal


you need a comma after nothing.

I enjoyed reading this very much. :D

Fairy
  





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Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:17 am
MidnightVampire says...



Scared. Scary. Scaries. by the first five sentences I got sick of these words,they sound to much alike and are frequent. Maybe make some of them different, like frightened. this will help. Ok, I like the dripping noise. This would be something that would definetly scare me, a noise that you just keep on hearing. I got a little confuzed with the sentence (sory I have to type it because I can't get the quote buton to work):

He could see the dark liquid drip from the bottom onto the floor.

The bottom of the window? That was what really confuzed me, otherwise that paragraph really was helpfull to imagine his room. I also like the sentence 'Chris screamed, but no one could hear him'. Very good sentence. Dramatic. Plus, there should be a comma after screamed. The details you put in here were very helpful, it made the story all the more chilling. Good ending. Classical O Henry ending (has a twist.) I like those. I hope you write more of these, they're really good.

MV
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)
  





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Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:05 am
Sleeping Valor says...



He just watched the scariest movie, he had ever seen.

remove the comma

Chris hated scary movies, so why did he watch that one? He didn’t know. Were adults allowed to be scared by movies? He sat upright in his bed from where he'd watched the horror film and [s]the[/s] turned off the TV that sat ten feet away from him. He was scared to death. Chris needed some sleep, the movie had run until midnight and he was tired. The only light that was shining was a small lamp by his bedside. Chris reached over to turn it off but something inside stopped him. Light was the only protection we have against the bad things that come out at night.


He could not get over how scared he was [s]feeling[/s] that at any moment a killer would pop out of nowhere. It was just a stupid movie; there is nothing to be scared of, he thought to himself. He closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep but noise startled him
.
He made a mental note to get new light bulbs, and ignored the sound and lay back down.

If he's so scared, why isn't his first reaction to be afraid someone is in the room?

A bright static [s]was[/s] showed on the screen and it's hiss was ear shattering.

He got back into his bed and sat up.

You sit up if you are lying down, but why would be get into bed, lie down, only to sit up again? Try: "He got back into bed but didn't lie down, remaining sitting upright."
It glowed brighter than it ever had.



He looked at himself in the mirror, and at the red handprint on his shirt. I need to take a shower, he thought.

I'm sorry, he's terrified so he has a shower? o_O I would be hyperventilating.

"What is this?"


There was nothing, everything was back to normal.


Space out your paragraphs more plz, it makes it easier to read.

Nice story. There were some issues I had with your phrase structure at the beginnng, but otherwise it was very good. You described things very well and I especially liked how you eneded it.

^_^ Good work!
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.

And apparently I also write a blog.
  





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Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:18 am
Porcelain Angel says...



I enjoyed this throughly, scared me a good deal ( and I was raised on horror so not much phases me.) The only thing I had an issue with was in the beginning
Where adults allowed being scared in movies?
Other than that, and a few misplaced commas this was very well done.
If I give you my hands, will you lead me into the fire?
  





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Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:53 pm
DoubleTake says...



horror. something really hard to do!! but not bad, maybe the next one will give me nightmares!!!
  





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Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:41 am
gurockian says...



the story defiatly scared me strait i definatly wouldn't want to read this at night, but if you described the man a little more it would be even scareier
  








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