Young Writers Society

TREVIAL: THE PREVIEW

Trevial is a strange, dustless, some what maroon place. if you only new what that meant to me. the middle country is mostly desert, the outer are a combination of long somewhat wild planes and prairies. huge field of wheat grow on these. while the other kind is a rotting wasteland of a smart marsh. extremely dense swamp land. bogs that eat all and give back nothing. not even bones that can be found thousands of ears later. imagine Trevial as a gigantic island, shaped somewhat like a horn. the bottom tip is the most populated, its called Sartinas. the city of wonders. and it deserves that name. many famous ship builders make their bread there, host their families and bear arms in time of war. the southern tip is peaceful... but not many countries are that peaceful. Trevial is composed of about six different countries. and two islands that call themselves independent. Trevial is about 400 miles from tip to top. and about 200 miles wide at its widest point. the very tip is a separate country and there are two above it that are long and follow the coast to midway up the top. the rest are in the middle. and the top, its said that no one even lives there, for mountains combined with dangerous deadly creatures that inhabit carnivorous swamps. yet, there is peace, at least for as long as we know it. but it will not be polite and stay at our residence, no it will sneak in on us while we are sleeping and stab us in the back. for the middle king is dieing. he rules the very middle and the largest country of all six. his twelve sons are fighting and killing themselves in a exaggerated hurry to the throne. yet, they cannot become king by them selves. each have called a country to support them, promising great rewards. so... they have dragged the rest of the once peaceful Trevial into war. raging like a bear defending its cubs, to the death...and where does our young hero come into this? why at his home in harper. the county to the very top left. one of the islands can be seen from there. and several uninhabited smaller islands are scattered around it.

our young hero is a boy, two weeks in age right now. his family is in great chaos, the war has finally come and knocked at their door. our hero's father, a military leader, is being called up. to bear arms for his country. and his country is bearing arms for their beloved prince, who might make the throne if he is wise, strong, and above all cunning. he is the seventh son of thearle, the middle king. he is... shall we say, handsome is not the word, he is... beautifully. and he promises that if he makes the throne, he promises hamper that he will make hamper a most wondrous country, giving dreams to the poor folk.so they have backed him, to the death if need it. yet this may sound disturbingly peaceful, it is not. for the evilest of the sons, the youngest, is asking for the people of the black swamps, the northern swamps the people who supposedly, "do not: live in the black mountains, actually do, they are trained assassins, they purposely live in the carnivorous swamps, they live for the danger, to get used to it, to love it... they train the deadly creatures to obey them, not fearing them, they do not chain them, they do not keep guards on them with spears pointed at them the entire time, no. the "dangerous" creature are allowed to live inside the huts of the swamp people, to guard the family members, company the young. and are trained to kill the enemy. now... something you do not know, hamper territory runs strait into the black swamps.our young hero's family is being taken to war, the prince has called for it. his mother, is being sent for medical reasons, she knows medicine, the hero's three older brothers sworn to protect him until he is mature, are being taken. only him and his older sister remain. she is not taken because of him. hamper has selected our hero to be Trained by the people of the swamp. and it is his sister's duty to take him there. her heart is filled with hate, the country has taken all she has ever known. and they will come for her after she has completed her duty. so she shall, she must complete it. her name is Gabia, and our hero is known as Chanse. Chance Salinas.

Spiderman Here.

Let's start off with some grammar.

Trevial is a strange, dustless, some what maroon place.

Should be "Trevial is a strange, dustless, and somewhat maroon place."

if you only new what that meant to me. the middle country is mostly desert, the outer are a combination of long somewhat wild planes and prairies

Please have some respect for the arts and capitalize each letter at the beginning of the sentence.

Trevial is a strange, dustless, some what maroon place. if you only new what that meant to me. the middle country is mostly desert, the outer are a combination of long somewhat wild planes and prairies. huge field of wheat grow on these. while the other kind is a rotting wasteland of a smart marsh. extremely dense swamp land. bogs that eat all and give back nothing. not even bones that can be found thousands of ears later. imagine Trevial as a gigantic island, shaped somewhat like a horn. the bottom tip is the most populated, its called Sartinas. the city of wonders. and it deserves that name. many famous ship builders make their bread there, host their families and bear arms in time of war. the southern tip is peaceful... but not many countries are that peaceful. Trevial is composed of about six different countries. and two islands that call themselves independent. Trevial is about 400 miles from tip to top. and about 200 miles wide at its widest point. the very tip is a separate country and there are two above it that are long and follow the coast to midway up the top. the rest are in the middle. and the top, its said that no one even lives there, for mountains combined with dangerous deadly creatures that inhabit carnivorous swamps. yet, there is peace, at least for as long as we know it. but it will not be polite and stay at our residence, no it will sneak in on us while we are sleeping and stab us in the back. for the middle king is dieing. he rules the very middle and the largest country of all six. his twelve sons are fighting and killing themselves in a exaggerated hurry to the throne. yet, they cannot become king by them selves. each have called a country to support them, promising great rewards. so... they have dragged the rest of the once peaceful Trevial into war. raging like a bear defending its cubs, to the death...and where does our young hero come into this? why at his home in harper. the county to the very top left. one of the islands can be seen from there. and several uninhabited smaller islands are scattered around it.

The rest of the paragraph has tons of grammar mistakes which could have been solved with a simple grammar check. (If you don't have word, get the free version of open office.) This paragraph is also a huge infodump which bores the reader.

our young hero is a boy, two weeks in age right now. his family is in great chaos, the war has finally come and knocked at their door. our hero's father, a military leader, is being called up. to bear arms for his country. and his country is bearing arms for their beloved prince, who might make the throne if he is wise, strong, and above all cunning. he is the seventh son of thearle, the middle king. he is... shall we say, handsome is not the word, he is... beautifully. and he promises that if he makes the throne, he promises hamper that he will make hamper a most wondrous country, giving dreams to the poor folk.so they have backed him, to the death if need it. yet this may sound disturbingly peaceful, it is not. for the evilest of the sons, the youngest, is asking for the people of the black swamps, the northern swamps the people who supposedly, "do not: live in the black mountains, actually do, they are trained assassins, they purposely live in the carnivorous swamps, they live for the danger, to get used to it, to love it... they train the deadly creatures to obey them, not fearing them, they do not chain them, they do not keep guards on them with spears pointed at them the entire time, no. the "dangerous" creature are allowed to live inside the huts of the swamp people, to guard the family members, company the young. and are trained to kill the enemy. now... something you do not know, hamper territory runs strait into the black swamps.our young hero's family is being taken to war, the prince has called for it. his mother, is being sent for medical reasons, she knows medicine, the hero's three older brothers sworn to protect him until he is mature, are being taken. only him and his older sister remain. she is not taken because of him. hamper has selected our hero to be Trained by the people of the swamp. and it is his sister's duty to take him there. her heart is filled with hate, the country has taken all she has ever known. and they will come for her after she has completed her duty. so she shall, she must complete it. her name is Gabia, and our hero is known as Chanse. Chance Salinas.

AGAIN capitalize every letter at the start of the sentence. You're still dumping info at the bored to death reader. Show it don't tell it.

The story part was okay. It seems like it could be a good story.

Trevial is a strange, dustless, some what maroon place. if you only new what that meant to me. the middle country is mostly desert, the outer are a combination of long somewhat wild planes and prairies. huge field of wheat grow on these.

Trevial is a strange, dustless, and somewhat maroon place. If you only knew what that meant to me. The middle country is mostly desert, the outer country is a combination of long and somewhat wild plains and prairies. Huge fields of wheat grow here.

while the other kind is a rotting wasteland of a smart marsh. extremely dense swamp land. bogs that eat all and give back nothing. not even bones that can be found thousands of ears later. imagine Trevial as a gigantic island, shaped somewhat like a horn. the bottom tip is the most populated, its called Sartinas. the city of wonders.

While the other kind is a rotting wasteland of marsh: extremely dense swampland. Bogs that eat all and return nothing, not even bones that can be found thousands of years later. Imagine Trevial as a gigantic island, shaped somewhat like a horn. The bottom tip is the most populated: Sartinas, the city of wonders.

-What is the other kind? I don’t see a mention of an ‘other kind’.

and it deserves that name. many famous ship builders make their bread there, host their families and bear arms in time of war. the southern tip is peaceful... but not many countries are that peaceful. Trevial is composed of about six different countries. and two islands that call themselves independent. Trevial is about 400 miles from tip to top and about 200 miles wide at its widest point.

It deserves that name. Many famous shipbuilders make their bread (bread?) here, host their families and bear arms in time of war. The southern tip is peaceful...but not many countries are that peaceful. (watch that ellipsis. There’s no space between it.) Trevial is composed of six different countries, and two islands that call themselves independent. Trevial is 400 miles from tip to top.
- Try not to say “Trevial” so much. It gets tiring.
- Sound more certain. Instead of “about six different countries”, just make it “Six different countries.” If the narrator loves this land so much, he should know more about it.

and about 200 miles wide at its widest point. the very tip is a separate country and there are two above it that are long and follow the coast to midway up the top. the rest are in the middle. and the top, its said that no one even lives there, for mountains combined with dangerous deadly creatures that inhabit carnivorous swamps. yet, there is peace, at least for as long as we know it.

- Don’t start so many sentences with the word “and”. It’s fine if you’re using choppy writing, but it should be used rarely even then.
- Please, please, please start capitalizing things that need capitalization! Names, places, things with importance...the only thing I see you capitalizing is Trevial.

The very tip is a separate country and there are two above it that are long and follow the coast from midway to the top. (I’m starting to get bored.) It’s said no one lives in the middle and top, for mountains combined with dangerous, deadly creatures inhabit carnivorous swamps. Yet there is peace, at least for as long as we know it.
but it will not be polite and stay at our residence, no it will sneak in on us while we are sleeping and stab us in the back. for the middle king is dieing. he rules the very middle and the largest country of all six. his twelve sons are fighting and killing themselves in a exaggerated hurry to the throne. yet, they cannot become king by them selves.

It will not be polite and stay at our residence. [what will not be? Emphasize what you’re talking about. Is it the destruction of peace? You can’t be sure.] No, it will sneak up on us while we sleep and stab us in the back.

- Suddenly we get into kings. Middle what? Country? I’ll assume. That’s all I can do.

The king of the middle country is dying. [Note the spelling.] He rules the largest country of the six. His twelve sons fight and die in an exaggerated hurry to the throne...yet they cannot become king by themselves. [themselves is one word.]

each have called a country to support them, promising great rewards. so... they have dragged the rest of the once peaceful Trevial into war. raging like a bear defending its cubs, to the death...and where does our young hero come into this? why at his home in harper. the county to the very top left. one of the islands can be seen from there. and several uninhabited smaller islands are scattered around it.

Each [prince?] has called countries to support them, promising great rewards and dragging the rest of once peaceful Trevial to war, raging like a bear defending its cubs to the death...and where does our young hero come into this? [begin a new paragraph after this!]

Why, his home in Harper.

our young hero is a boy, two weeks in age right now. his family is in great chaos, the war has finally come and knocked at their door. our hero's father, a military leader, is being called up. to bear arms for his country. and his country is bearing arms for their beloved prince, who might make the throne if he is wise, strong, and above all cunning.

Our young hero is a boy, two weeks in age currently. His family is in chaos: the war has finally knocked at their door. The hero’s father, a military leader, has been called to arms. To bear arms for his country and the prince who might make the throne if he is wise, strong, and above all: cunning.

he is the seventh son of thearle, the middle king. he is... shall we say, handsome is not the word, he is... beautifully. and he promises that if he makes the throne, he promises hamper that he will make hamper a most wondrous country, giving dreams to the poor folk.

He is the seventh son of Thearle, the middle king. He is...shall we say...handsome is not the word. He is beautiful... He promises that if he makes the throne, that he will make Harper [or Hamper? Make up your mind!] a most wondrous country, giving dreams to poor folk.

so they have backed him, to the death if need it. yet this may sound disturbingly peaceful, it is not. for the evilest of the sons, the youngest, is asking for the people of the black swamps, the northern swamps the people who supposedly, "do not: live in the black mountains, actually do, they are trained assassins, they purposely live in the carnivorous swamps, they live for the danger, to get used to it, to love it... they train the deadly creatures to obey them, not fearing them, they do not chain them, they do not keep guards on them with spears pointed at them the entire time, no. the "dangerous" creature are allowed to live inside the huts of the swamp people, to guard the family members, company the young. and are trained to kill the enemy.

So they have backed him to the death if needed. This may sound disturbingly peaceful, but it is not. The evilest of sons, the youngest, is asking for the people of the black swamps who supposedly... (This ENTIRE section afterward confuses me. Reword, reword. A lot. Do they or do they not? This needs clarifying. Badly.)

now... something you do not know, hamper territory runs strait into the black swamps.our young hero's family is being taken to war, the prince has called for it. his mother, is being sent for medical reasons, she knows medicine, the hero's three older brothers sworn to protect him until he is mature, are being taken. only him and his older sister remain.

Something you do not know: Harper territory runs straight [straight, not strait.] into the black swamps. Our young hero’s family is being taken to war: the prince has called for it. His mother is being sent for medical reasons. [if she’s being sent for medical reasons, don’t list that she knows medicine. It’s a given.] The hero’s three older brothers who swore to protect him until he was mature are being taken. Only he and his other sister remain.

she is not taken because of him. hamper has selected our hero to be Trained by the people of the swamp. and it is his sister's duty to take him there. her heart is filled with hate, the country has taken all she has ever known. and they will come for her after she has completed her duty.

She is not taken because of him. Harper selected our hero to be trained by the people of the swamp. It is his sister’s duty to take him there. Her heart is filled with hate. The country has taken all she has ever known. They will come for her after she has completed her duty.

so she shall, she must complete it. her name is Gabia, and our hero is known as Chanse. Chance Salinas.

So she shall. She must complete it. Her name is Gabia, and our hero is called Chance. Chance Salinas.

OVERALL.

You’ve got a good story in the telling. The biggest issue you have is that if you start a story with those TWO BIG HULKING PARAGRAPHS, no one is going to take the time to read it. Short paragraphs invite readers. Big ones invite boredom. Chop it up into at least twenty paragraphs from that. Just to make this review, that was what I had to do.

Learn your grammar. Also, starting a story with the description you did also invites boredom. I would start at the first paragraph, then jump to describing the kings and the hero, and describe Trevial later.

I am curious to know what happens next. But like I said, that one paragraph? Confusing. Please fix that up before you do anything else. (; Keep writing! You have potential.