Young Writers Society

“Thumps wake up!” A large rabbit called out. A white rabbit with grey streaks wearily looked up and stared at her mother.

“Mommy, why did you have to wake me up?” she whined and looked around and saw that a bunch of cabbage leaves were lying in their burrow.

“Food!” Thumps cried and shook her brothers and sisters awake. They were raising lumps of fur as they sleepily got up. She bounded happily towards the succulent cabbage leaves until her mother pushed her back. Thumps were confused and saw that terror filled her eyes. All of Thumps’ siblings crept back to the other end of the burrow. Thumps blinked and then she heard snarling outside and sensed danger was approaching.

“Mommy-“she was cut off when her mother put her paw against her mouth.
“Shush, Thumps.” Then they saw a hound run past their burrow and they all sighed in relief.
“Thank goodness that that monster hound didn’t find us here. If we were found then we’d be hound meat!” She sighed and all of them ran to the leaves and started nibbling at it.

“Mommy, is this all the food we have?” Thumps inquired, her ears perking up. She looked up and nodded.

“I couldn’t get anymore since the hounds are out and if I went further into the farmer’s garden then I’d be a goner!” she then stopped and looked at her daughter in an inspecting way. “Why do you ask dear? Have you not had enough to eat right now?”

“No, I have plenty to eat but you’re not eating.”

“I already did.”
“You’re a liar mommy. Here.” she generously gave a whole cabbage leaf to her mother.

“Thank you Thumps.” Her brown eyes soft as ever. Thumps, you’re so kind. It’s a pity that I can’t give you everything that you need.
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After the rabbits were done with their meal they were allowed to go exploring and Thumps ran towards the farmer’s garden, determined to get more food. Thumps cautiously walked towards the fence and saw that the vegetables and the fruit were guarded with electric fences. So not knowing what to do next she simply sat there, thinking of a solution. Then she crawled to the other side of the fence and saw that there was a small gap between the fence and the wall. The small bunny sized on how big it was and if she could fit inside quickly. Unfortunately there was a large dog sleeping in front of the entrance.

“I have to find a way to lure that fat dog over here and to get him distracted.” Then an idea popped into her little head.

“Got it!” she ran over to the dog and hopped onto his head.

“Wake up stupid head! Wake up and chase me to my bed!” she laughed loudly and sure enough the canine jerked its head up and snarled at her, his large fangs gleamed wickedly in the sunlight and drool slid down from his mouth. Thumps’ whole body quivered with fear but she gulped and remembers her mission and darted under his belly and between his legs. As she ran under him her large ears brushed his belly and he was hysterically ticklish. This bought Thumps the time to slip into the gap and she hid behind some tomato vines.

“Where are you, you little pest!” He snarled and started sniffing around. She then spotted a large sack and started taking the ripest of tomatoes, the juiciest of carrots, the crunchiest of cabbages, the sweetest of all fruits, and the largest of melons. Thumps then dragged the sacks with her and climbed onto one of the melons and leapt out. She landed with a thud and hurriedly dragged the food to her burrow. Meanwhile, Thumps’ siblings were worried about their sister.

“Where is she? Mommy will be so worried if she’s missing!” Perky cried. Perky was the youngest child.

“Wait, I see her coming! What’s that?” Riverine looked out on the wide landscape.

“It’s food! She’s saved us! Thank you Thumps!” Timber cried as he started thinking about all of the delicious foods they would have.
Thumps’ siblings were staring at her with awe. She triumphantly showed them her accomplishment and they hopped up and down. Suddenly the same dog stood before them. All six of the little bunnies quivered under his threatening shadow.

“There you are!” He cracked a malicious grin. As he lunged for the rabbits their mother leapt onto his head and used her paws to cover his eyes.

“Aaaaahh! Get off!” He howled and tried to buck Thumps’ mother off but she was clinging tight.

“Run!” Thumps nodded and they dragged the food and slid into the burrow. After that Thumps’ mother bit his ear with her bucked teeth and she scampered away. Then when Thumps was in the burrow with her family feasting on the foods she had taken she heard her mother’s voice calling to her. Thumps looked around and saw that her mother was happily gnawing on a carrot and then the food started tasting flavorless. Thumps then saw that everything was fading, her family was gone…
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She woke up suddenly and realized that it was still dark outside of their burrow. She looked at her family and they were munching on carrots and tomatoes.

“Dear, you wouldn’t get up when we called.” Thumps nodded and realized that it was only a dream. Thumps looked disappointed; she was only a hero in her dreams.

mintantlers:

Just b/c you're my friend doesn't mean that my review isn't going to be easy on you!

It's a great beginning to a longer story--reminds me of Watership Down- read it sometimes--it involves bunnies too!

Some grammar mistakes and there could have been a little more action.

Check out my stuff and review me too!

“Mommy, why did you have to wake me up?” she whined and looked around and saw that a bunch of cabbage leaves were lying in their burrow.

Two 'and's in the same sentence like that isn't a very good way of phrasing it. Try "...she whined until she saw." or "...she whined as she looked around and saw.."

They were raising lumps of fur as they sleepily got up. She bounded happily towards the succulent cabbage leaves but her mother pushed her back. Thumps was confused and saw that terror filled her mother's eyes.

The use of and in the last phrase kind of takes away from her confusion, because at the same instant she becomes confused by her mother's actions she sees the cause, so we feel like her confusion ends there. Try "Thumps was confused until she saw that terror filled..." or "Thumps was confused, not understanding why terror filled..." Or something like that.

“Shush, Thumps.” Then they saw a hound run past their burrow and they all sighed in relief.

You killed the suspension =P. Just as they should start waiting, holding their breath, the danger passes. It doesn't feel like they have anything to be releived about because we didn't feel the tension or fear build up.

She looked up and nodded.

I've seen this more than once I think, so I will only mention it once: If the last name or character you indicated was Thumps, then any she following it, unless otherwise specified, is Thumps. In this case, we wonder why Thumps is answering her own question with a nod. "She looked up and her mother nodded." Look through your text and look for places you might have confused readers with your pronouns.

Thumps, you’re so kind. It’s a pity that I can’t give you everything that you need.

Is she saying this, or thinking it? Find some way of making that clear to us.

The small bunny sized on how big it was and if she could fit inside quickly.

I think it's "The small bunny thought on how big it was..."

I didn't do the rest, there are really only little mistakes and I think with what I've given you, you can find them all.

Just some structural questions:
a) If the hounds are out, meaning her mom can't go get the food, then why would she let her children out to play? This is especially a question since she obviously isn't watching them otherwise Thumps wouldn't have gotten as far as the garden.
b) Their mom, near the end of the first part, tells her children she might have bee a gonner. Maybe that's just her personality, but if I was the mother of a bunch of baby rabbits, I wouldn't scare them by telling them I nearly died. Thumps is obviously of strong personality, but her younger siblings might be worried if they heard there mom talking that way. Maybe it's just me, though. And since she didn't actually put herself in that situation it's not really an issue, just a comment.

i think you should talk more about the dog because i didn't get a picture in my head, so could you expand on that? other than that the story was great nice twist at the end

Hey guys! On my other works I'll try and brush up on my description, plot, characters, and grammar! Please read and review my other works! Thanks!