Young Writers Society

hey, my first PG-13 work! lol! this is just a short story i wrote, and i know that parts of it are pretty rough with grammar and wording, so feel free to rip it apart *coughjabbercough*. it won't be continued!! oh man! i'll have to use a bunch of my hard earned points for this...oh well, i'll get more! lol. enjoy!

Friend or Foe? Life or Death? Cougar or Crab?

Dillon was at James’ house, and as he waited for James to finish his second taco he casually asked, “So, I, um, heard that you have some werewolf power thing? What’s that?”

“Oh, that,” James said, wiping sour cream off his lower lip. “Yeah, this guy gave it to me for free, as a test, so I thought it’d be cool. So yeah, I took it.”

“But what does it do?”

“Oh, there’s this thing. I turn into a cougar every full moon, but I can also change whenever I want, too.”

“Where’d you get it?”

James instantly became suspicious. “Why do you want to know?” he asked.

“Because—I’m telling you this ‘cause I’m your best friend—I want to try it.”

“No! Really, Dillon, you don’t want it. It hurts whenever you change, and full moons are not fun at all. And there’s this thing… sometimes I just randomly turn into a cougar. It’s not all it seems like, ‘k? And you can’t take it back. Just, just forget it.”

A flame of malice appeared in Dillon’s eyes for a moment. Then he sighed. “Okay, James… ok,” he said, and walked out of the house.

--

James was walking down the street, going to the grocery store because he needed some ham for his supper. He mingled with the crowd, also heading down the main street: Peterston. He wondered about Dillon and the way he was acting. James knew it would be better for him if he forgot about it. Why couldn’t Dillon listen?

James was yanked back into reality—literally—by a huge red claw. It pulled him into an alleyway and Dillon found himself being attacked by a giant crab. It was huge; twice James’ size, and James struggled and dropped out of the claw. Immediately, he switched to his cougar form. “What the heck do you want?” the cougar growled.

The crab seemed to smile and said, “You, James, what else?”

“Dillon…? But it takes nearly a week to change, how could you have even found the flippin’ dude that fast?”

“James, I had changed already, you didn’t know that? Remember my trip to Germany? There wasn’t one, I spent that week changing. I’m just glad I didn’t accidentally change when I was talking to you today.”

“Why were you asking me if you already knew?” James shook his head, obviously confused.

“It was a test. I was seeing if you trusted me.”

“I trust you! You’re my best friend, Dillon.”

“No, you don’t trust me. You don’t trust me to make my own decisions, only what you want me to do.”

“Dillon, I had my reasons! You know why I didn’t want you to!”

“Huh. I can take a little pain; you think I’m a wimp or something? This is so worth it. And switching at odd times? Heck, makes it tough to get a girlfriend, but I wasn’t going to get one anyways.”

“Dillon, I’m sorry, but I really just thought I was doing what you’d want.”

“Sorry. Such a simple word. Anyone can use it. And anyone can lie. You failed my test. You wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know, even though we were best friends. That’s another meaningless word: friends. Anyone can change their mind. And I have.”

“C’mon Dillon, please. Quit it!”

“No!” The crab’s claws reached out to James, and the cougar jumped between them, diving for the other side of the crab. He kicked out and hit the stalked eyes of the crab.

The crab briefly turned into Dillon, just long enough so that he could turn around, and now Dillon saw that he was trapped against the back of a brick building. There was no escape, and James jumping between the eyes wouldn’t fool Dillon twice in a row.

The crab hissed and said angrily, “You caught my weakness, why didn’t you attack my eyes?”

“Because!” James yelled. “You’re my friend, Dillon!”

“I’m not your friend!” Dillon bellowed, then suddenly changed and hissed quietly, “I’ll be your death….”

A huge claw slammed towards the cougar, and he barely dodged it. A hole opened in the building, and a young man sitting in a cubicle cursed loudly.

Dillon dodged to one side, but the crab followed his every move, now focused on one thing. He wanted his best friend dead.

The buildings surrounding the alley were ripped to shreds that day, deep tears that would be marked forever. James grew tired quickly, and finally, the cougar was caught between two sharp, red shells.

The crab lifted him up and slammed him into the wall… once… twice… three times. James heard a crack and felt blood pour unstoppably from his head. His back was covered in bruises, and he could feel blood coating his fur. The jeans and t-shirt that still covered his lean, golden body were ripped in scores of places. How the heck am I supposed to replace these? James thought. They’re freaking designers! He could tell he was going crazy by thinking thoughts like that at a time like this. His life was worth a crapping lot more than the clothes!

The crab threw him in the air, and the cougar flailed helplessly in the air, but the crab caught him and did it again. Then he threw him into the wall. James wished that it was like the movies, and the building had dented. But that wasn’t the case. James almost fell out of consciousness; it was only his were-cougar strength that saved him. That and the will to live. That will seemed stronger now.

James slid back down the building, and the crab laughed. Suddenly, James saw his chance to escape. He acted without hesitation, as the hole would close if he waited.

He dived under the crab, the only place besides its eyes were it was weak. He reached up as he scrambled through, feeling the pale pink skin rip through his claws. He felt blood soak into the fur on his paws. He ran out from under the crab and jumped out of the alley, changing back into a human in the air. He sprinted out into the street, ignoring his torn clothes, the blood covering his half-naked body, and the frozen people who had watched the fight.

He heard sirens, and thought, Someone called the cops. Then he heard a horn and glanced to his right. An ambulance was flying straight towards him. He was close enough to examine the grill.

His last two thoughts were: An ambulance, how ironic, and Well, at least it wasn't the frickin’ crab that killed me.

He was slammed into the intersection of Peterston and 4th, the upside down and backwards AMBULANCE his last living sight.

lol. So I just saw the bulleting thingy you put on, no clue how you did it though. =P But as requested, here I am! I'm going to leave the grammar for now (*coughjabbercough*) and just focus on the general opinion-ness.

[s]Dillon[/s]James dodged to one side, but the crab followed his every move, now focused on one thing. He wanted his best friend dead.

“No!” The crab’s claws reached out to James, and the cougar jumped between them, diving for the other side of the crab. He kicked out and hit the stalked eyes of the crab.

The way you phrased that makes it sound like a random cougar showed up out of nowhere and saved James. Try and make it more clear that it's James turning into a cougar.

Interesting story, I liked how you sort of introduced the whole shape-shifting thing in the first bit; it was very casual, which isn't usually how it's approached. Also, you did a good job of the fight scene, though maybe it could benefit from a little more description during the dialogue (rather than just showing us what they said, also tell us what they did or sounded like when they said it. tags would be good, some readers might have trouble keeping track of who says what sometimes).

=P I'm not sure this is my type of story, but I wouldn't know until the plot developed further. (Kind of like tMoC, the first chapter wasn't my style, but I wanted to know what would happen so I kept reading and found I liked it more. ^_^)

Carry on! Lemme know when you get up the next bit (if there is one).

well...sorry, it isn't going to be continued, i messed up the last sentence, it's supposed to be

"He was slammed into the intersection of Peterston and 4th, the upside down and backwards AMBULANCE his last living sight."

so yeah, James dies right there...

thanks for the corrections, i had trouble getting the names Dillon and James confused in this, and i'll fix the cougar thing. maybe i'll post the edited version up sometime. i'll also try to fix that dialog a bit--thanks for reading

Woz

nice story
it kind of cracked me up by the last part
They after him getting away an ambulance runs him down.

haha, thanks. i liked that part too...

and i know that parts of it are pretty rough with grammar and wording, so feel free to rip it apart *coughjabbercough*.

What am I supposed to say to that?? You're lucky I was surfing through the forums and found this. Ohh, when I see you next...

Anyway, this critique was actually sitting on my desk for a couple days. I'll try to remember everything I mean behind the red marks here. It'll be an adventure for both of us.

“Because—I’m telling you this ‘cause I’m your best friend—I want to try it.”

That doesn't sound like something a teenager would say, but that's just me. It seems almost cliche, especially 'cause of the ending...? *shrug*

It’s not all it seems like, [s]‘k[/s] 'kay? And you can’t take it back. Just, [use the dash instead] just forget it.”

I guess that chatspeak rule we know oh-so-well goes for writing as well.

A flame of malice appeared in Dillon’s eyes for a moment. Then he sighed. “Okay, James… ok,” he said, and walked out of the house.

The 'okay' nit-pick I'm making is more based on opinion. I've seen authors use OK instead of okay, which I prefer. However, her you use okay then...ok? Stay with the flow, don't go all versatile with that word. Pick one you like (either OK or okay) and stick with it.

James was walking down the street, going to the grocery store because he needed some ham for his supper.

After all the good sentences you had earlier, you cranked this out? I don't like it at all. Please rewrite this. It will help your writing sooo much more.

He mingled with the crowd, [s]also[/s] [having this here confused me oO] heading down the main street: [use comma] Peterston. He wondered about Dillon and the way he was acting. James knew it would be better for him if he forgot about it. Why couldn’t Dillon listen?

Um...I'm pretty sure he...was? Also, I'm not so sure that Dillon was acting strangely. When you introduced him, he seemed to be the inquisitive character. Maybe James was unsure of Dillon's strange curiosity for James' secret? If he was 'acting' like this a lot, and it's not normal, it wouldn't hurt to put a one- or two-sentence flashback as to what happened. ^^

James was yanked back into reality [s]—literally—by[/s] as a huge red claw. It pulled him into an alleyway and Dillon [are you getting your characters confused? oO] found himself being attacked by a giant crab.

Of course literally. You're the one telling us the story!

James was yanked back into reality as a huge red claw grabbed him by the shirt collar and pulled him into the alleyway. He looked up and his jaw dropped at the sight of the giant crab holding him in the air.

It was huge; twice James’ size, [period] [s]and[/s] James [s]struggled and dropped[/s] squirmed [?] out of the claw's grasp. Immediately, he switched to his cougar form.

Maybe this is a good point to describe the cougar's appearance a little.

“Dillon…? But it takes nearly a week to change, [exclamation point or period] how could you have even found the flippin’ dude that fast?”

Remember my trip to Germany?

*squeals* Spriechst du Deutsch?

“Why were you asking me if you already knew?” James shook his head, [s]obviously[/s] confused.

Obviously we are too.

“[s]Huh[/s] Hmph. I can take a little pain; you think I’m a wimp or [s]something[/s] somethin'?

Just some suggestions to improve teen jargon.

“Sorry. [use triple dots] Such a simple word.

“No!” The crab’s claws reached out to James, and the cougar jumped between them, diving for the [s]other side of the crab[/s] crab's backside.

The crab briefly turned into Dillon, [no comma] just long enough so that he could turn around, and now Dillon saw that he was trapped against the back of a brick building. There was no escape, and James, jumping between the eyes, wouldn’t fool Dillon twice [s]in a row[/s].

The crab hissed [s]and said angrily[/s], “You caught my weakness, [exclamation point] why didn’t you attack my eyes?”

“Because!” [comma instead] James yelled. “You’re [lower case and comma in place of that period] my friend, Dillon!”

“I’ll be your death….”

Woah, don't overdo the dots. Three is sufficient. Four's reaching annoyance (and I'm not kidding ). "I'll be your death..."

A hole opened in the building,

Holes don't just...open. Someone maybe crashed into the wall, or was thrown into it, and the wall was destroyed. Think of a way to describe this wall tragedy.

Dillon [you mean James?] dodged to one side, but the crab followed his every move, now focused on one thing. [colon] [s]He wanted his best friend dead[/s] his friend's death.

The buildings surrounding the alley were ripped to shreds that day, (deep tears that would be marked forever.) [Buildings don't tear. They crumble or whatevers] James grew tired quickly, and [s]finally[/s] , as a result, the cougar was caught between two sharp, red shells.

James heard a crack and felt blood pour unstoppably from his head. His back was covered in bruises, and he could feel blood coating his fur.

Rewrite this. If his head cracked, I don't think he could make it the rest of this fight. In fact, it may be a miracle that he heals completely after the ambulance comes to the rescue. Some brain cells will be destroyed.

James felt blood pour from the gash on the back of his head. His back was covered in bruises, blood staining his [insert color here] fur.

The jeans and t-shirt that still covered his lean, golden body were ripped in scores of places.

Wait...they still wear their clothes?? That's a detail you left out.

...but the crab caught him and did it again. [comma instead] [s]Then he threw[/s] throwing him into the wall.

James wished that it was like the movies, and the building had dented. But that wasn’t the case.

Why would he want to think that? Especially in this life/death situation? It doesn't make sense.

it was only his were-cougar strength that saved him. [use a dash] That and the will to live. That will seemed stronger now.

James slid back down the building, [s]and[/s] the crab [s]laughed[/s] cackling with laughter [sounds more evil ^^]. [s]Suddenly,[/s] James [s]saw[/s] finally found his chance to escape. He acted without hesitation, [no comma] [s]as[/s] knowing the hole would close if he waited.

Oh, so the hole...magically appeared? I'm confused now.

He dived under the crab, the only place besides its eyes [s]were it was weak[/s] that was [more] vulnerable.

Something like that...lol

He ran out from under the crab and jumped out of the alley, changing back into a human [s]in the air[/s] mid-jump [or of the sort].

...and the frozen people who had watched the fight.

Wait...since when did people start watching? :p

His last [s]two thoughts were[/s] thought was, : [no colon] An ambulance, [period or question mark] how ironic, [period instead] [s]and[/s] Well, at least it wasn't the frickin’ crab that killed me.

No goosebumps?

Alrighty, you asked for this long critique.

Your characters were okay. You seemed to have gotten them mixed up? That was a little confusing, but the mystery there was solved. (you can't fool me!) However, I didn't even attach to James. When Dillon started beating him up, I wanted James to die already. Not good, lol. Develop your characters a little bit better, even if it means more than one post.

Description was lacking, though. My questions are up above, but what color fur did James have? How big was the crab? As tall as the Empire State Building? And when did the people start watching? The alley thing was a tad cliche, I thought, but if you described it well enough, I'd let that fact slide. Where are those trashcans or dumpsters? The rats/cats that scurry around the city streets? The brick wall at the other end of the alley? How did James get hurt? From falling bricks as the building was crumbling? There's plenty of ways to add your description. I could go on forever.

You dialogue made me laugh at first. You make us teenagers look bad. But it's completely true. That's how we talk, maybe even a little more confusing phrases here and there, lol. Some of it, though, wasn't realistic, and I pointed it out up above.

The ending was rushed as well as his death. I didn't much like that. I'm one who loves action, even if it means lots of blood. I understand if you aren't allowed to type that kind of stuff, but it still remains PG-13 and it increases description and imagery.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

(You asked for it )